Loving these @effingpot even if I did have to google h2o2, but have learnt (learned ???) something
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How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven! 
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I rang the paranoia hotline this morning. Bloke at the other end said
“Where did you get this number from?”
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As I was pushing the patient to the operating theatre, I couldn’t work out why the NHS always said they were strapped for cash.
There was still a pound in this trolley.
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Remember if you lose a sock in the drier, it comes back as a tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers!
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Anyone else noticed that this new “Omicron B” is an anagram of “No Crimbo”? 
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Chinese guy was constantly urinating. His name was Won Long Pi.
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Jokes about sugar are rare!
Jokes about brown sugar … demerara! 
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My computer’s got Miley Virus!
It’s stopped twerking!
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Scared the postman this morning by going to the door completely naked!
Not sure what surprised him more … that I was naked or that I knew where he lived!
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If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she willl be!
There’s no need to remind her every half an hour!
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The doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight!
I said “well it was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!”
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Scientists have discovered that the first two humans on earth were actually Cockneys!
Blimey! Would you Adam and Eve it? 
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This morning I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
I’m now at A&E waiting to be seen!
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I took one of my grandsons to see Santa this morning. He stunk of stale tobacco and booze.
God knows what the Santa thought.
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In the pub last night, I saw a woman get her nipple pierced right in front of me!
In other news, I’m crap at darts
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Leaving the pub, I saw this sign in a restaurant window ‘CHICKEN DINNERS £1’ went in, paid £1, and they gave me a bowl of corn.
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Divers went do to the Titanic only to find the swimming pool was still full of water
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All women have shorter feet than men so they can stand nearer to the kitchen sink n stove 
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Pros and cons of marriage:
On the one hand … you get a nice ring
On the other hand … you don’t!