One liners and short jokes!

A mate and me were in the pub, when a massive brawl started. My mate said, “Pretend we’re the police, and they’ll leave us alone”
We were half-way through Roxanne before we had the shit kicked out of us.

3 Likes

Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza
Deep and crisp and even

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How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger.

1 Like

My wife pointed at me and said, “Well, you’re definitely on the naughty list this year.”
“In my defence,” I replied, holding my hands up, “I was drunk, and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round.”
She stared at me for a few moments, “… I was going to say you forgot to get the sprouts.”

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I took out a loan for an exorcism.
If I don’t pay it back I’m going to be repossessed. :rofl:

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How do you stop an elephant stampede? You make a trunk call and reverse the charge

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Friend: Describe yourself in three words
Me: Lazy!

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Does that work on rhinos? :thinking:

:slightly_smiling_face:

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan!

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Insurer: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Customer: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Judge: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

Defendant: Oral.

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A man got ran over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry.

Police said there was no easy way to tell his family!

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My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling.

I might have guest!

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I just ate my Christmas Dinner.

Jeez these slow cookers are crap! :grinning:

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What did the mother say to her blonde daughter as she prepared to go out?
“If you’re not it bed by 10, come home.”
:stuck_out_tongue:

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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, 'Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …'

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If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe skydiving is not the sport for you.

Parachute failed? Don’t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

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If the number 666 is considered evil.
Then 25.8069758 is technically the root of all evil! :slight_smile:

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Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake All night wondering if there was a dog.

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I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls

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