A mate and me were in the pub, when a massive brawl started. My mate said, “Pretend we’re the police, and they’ll leave us alone”
We were half-way through Roxanne before we had the shit kicked out of us.
Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza
Deep and crisp and even
How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.
My wife pointed at me and said, “Well, you’re definitely on the naughty list this year.”
“In my defence,” I replied, holding my hands up, “I was drunk, and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round.”
She stared at me for a few moments, “… I was going to say you forgot to get the sprouts.”
I took out a loan for an exorcism.
If I don’t pay it back I’m going to be repossessed.
How do you stop an elephant stampede? You make a trunk call and reverse the charge
Friend: Describe yourself in three words
Me: Lazy!
Does that work on rhinos?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan!
Insurer: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Customer: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Judge: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Defendant: Oral.
A man got ran over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry.
Police said there was no easy way to tell his family!
My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling.
I might have guest!
I just ate my Christmas Dinner.
Jeez these slow cookers are crap!
What did the mother say to her blonde daughter as she prepared to go out?
“If you’re not it bed by 10, come home.”
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, 'Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …'
If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe skydiving is not the sport for you.
Parachute failed? Don’t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If the number 666 is considered evil.
Then 25.8069758 is technically the root of all evil!
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake All night wondering if there was a dog.
I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.
My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls