was that the biblical chord or the erh um? biblical chord in I’m an A minor
The woman in the tobacconists was overheard telling her friend that she didn’t wear knickers.
So the boys would ask for ‘Rising Sun’ tobacco, which was kept on the top shelf, where the woman would have to climb the ladders, showing everything.
Little Johnny heard about it and duly ran round asking for an ounce of ‘Rising Sun’ tobacco for his dad.
The woman was a bit busy but soon was away up the ladders.
“Is it 'Rising Sun?”
“No, but it’s throbbing”
T’is in truth amazing to ponder the antics of Little Johnny.
His name is central to so much euphemistic jocular badinage-don’tca fink?
One could almost wish there were a statchoo of him,to which homage could be paid. For instance;
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day,when his arm suddenly shot up. He yelled “Miss,I need a piss!!” The teacher replied; “Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ correctly and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a moment,then says, "You’re an eight,Miss-but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!
Where would we be, or not be without our little Johnny’s.
We had a very large female teacher for religious classes, in fact one could say she was of biblical proportions.
A proton walks into a bar and asks the barman how much for a pint, “For you no charge”
He drinks the pint, walks out then comes back again “I left my wallet in here” “Are you sure” asks the barman “I’m positive”
He walks back out again and collides for the last time…into a bus.
Stuff that in your Higgs & Boson pipe and smoke it, mines a Kapp & Peterson crooked shank briar.
thought I’d cheer you up Jem wiv an ourish joke!
Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’
Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’
Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’
Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’
Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’
Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved,
Winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs takes some doing.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike let alone ride it.
Good ones Gumbud, thanks for the laugh mate, I needed it badly, I’m a bit browned off with this depressing damp dreary weather we’re having over here. Don’t go ruining me laugh by telling me the Sun is splitting the trees where you are.
The end of another boring month and the beginning of another, if i were King I would remove January and February from the calendar for good, two useless months that don’t deserve to be in it.
I’m stuck in the warm house for most of the day, too cold to mess about in the shed, if it wasn’t for the lunchtime visit to the pub I’d go crackers altogether. Roll on a bit of warmth in the air and I’ll be off like a Hare to the Country.
Did you hear about the Rabbit who washed his thing and couldn’t do a Hare with it?
Digital brains?
One can never trust written official accounts of history, there are scores of reasons why, no need to go into them here, even events I can recall here in the city have been altered. My late Dad was a local historian with a fantastic memory right up to the end. I was thinking that if they could digitalise the brains of modern historians just before they pop off, they could simply put them on a memory stick or card for easy access to future students, they would then get a true account of the last 70/90 years without government interference. You would just have to walk into a library and select who’s memories on past events you wanted for your project, you will get that “I was there” feeling. A bit Frankensteinish I know but the truth is precious to us all, is it not.
Writing it all down is not so easy for really old people, and recording it is too laborious, you have to drag it out of them and they can’t be bothered most of the time.
Well I searched around and it seems it can’t be done yet because the brain is not digital it’s analog, so I’m afraid it’s back to the drawing board for all the analog brained experts.
“Organic brains are not like electronic computers: they are analog, not digital.* One critical distinction is simply “Granularity – for a continuously variable analog value to be represented in digital form there occur quantization error which is difference in actual analog value and digital representation and this property of digital communication is known as granularity.”*
Tell that to Captain Kirk before he steps into the transporter. There you have it, if you can figure that out your brain is halfway there.
And there was me thinking ‘granularity’ was having a granny who never suffered from constipation.
Sorry Jem, can’t compute that, having never had a Granny.
Sorry to hear that Spitty, I was practically reared by mine, I idolised the old dear.
I think society seems to overlook the great work grannies do, especially in todays world with nearly all mothers having to work, think of the huge problems there would be if grannies were not available to look after the grandkids, I know every mother is not fortunate enough to have family nearby or even family to look after them, but I would say a large proportion of grannies come into play in this field, and let’s not forget the old grandads either, I see plenty of them taking toddlers to school every schoolday.
Treat the grannies fairly and give them their dues or beware of the great granny revolt to come.
Better go now, I feel a sad granny poem coming on.
I found out that women are explosive the first time I dropped one.
If you believe all the Hype, some folks have had more than two grannies, now that’s pure greed.
No spitfire they call it maternal and paternal OK?
When it comes down to brass tacks every girl today want’s to live to see grannihood, they hope to live a long life and be well into their 90’s when they finally go, they listen to all the experts and take precautions like giving up smoking and drinking, late nights, and generally taking better care of their health than the girls of yore.
In my day most of the girls smoked and took a drink, went to weekend parties and didn’t get to bed until the wee hours of the morning. They worked hard in factories (well in my area they did) and looked forward to the weekend when they ‘Let their hair down’ as they used to say.
Strangely enough most of those girls I knew then are still alive and kicking, they enjoyed being young girls, made many happy memories, and are now enjoying being grannies and great grannies. they had their cake and ate it, so to speak, and we all want that don’t we, you gotta be tough inside to survive and enjoy being an old granny, I raise my glass to tough old birds everywhere.
well first of all ya can’t buy brass tacks anymore so there ya stuffed to start wiv. so you’ve been doin some sociological research ave ya into young girls - dirty old man I say -
old Jem 'e 'ad an old, old, old granny
as old and as old as can be
she lived in the woods
wiv little riding hood
and ate up young girls for her tea!
most of the young girls I knew never smoked or drank and never stayed out late but they would let me sit on their knee!
[quote=“gumbud, post: 1085603”]
well first of all ya can’t buy brass tacks anymore so there ya stuffed to start wiv. so you’ve been doin some sociological research ave ya into young girls - dirty old man I say -
old Jem 'e 'ad an old, old, old granny
as old and as old as can be
she lived in the woods
wiv little riding hood
and ate up young girls for her tea!
most of the young girls I knew never smoked or drank and never stayed out late but they would let me sit on their knee![/QUOTE]
Were they predominately “One Legged” Girls?
It was easy getting a slap, for Grasping the Moment.
well I only had a grasp of one leg at any one time you must understand being somewhat of a gentleman even at a young age!
What’s all this? Grab a granny week”
Well if you hung around with the ones who smoked, partied, and drank, you would have got further than just sitting on their knee, yeh missed out big time there Gummy old chum.
In my town it’s usual for the girl to sit on the fellas knee, as in this very old song revived by the Corrs. Note the word ‘Vexes’, you don’t hear that used much today.
I Know My Love
The Corrs
I know my love by his way of walking
And I know my love by his way of talking
And I know my love dressed in a suit of blue
And if my love leaves me what will I do…
And still she cried, “I love him the best
And a troubled mind sure can know no rest”
And still she cried, “Bonny boys are few
And if my love leaves me what will I do”
There is a dance house in Maradyke
And there my true love goes every night
He takes a strange girl upon his knee
Well now don’t you think that that vexes me?
And still she cried, “I love him the best
And a troubled mind sure can know no rest”
And still she cried, “Bonny boys are few
And if my love leaves me what will I do”
If my love knew I can wash and wring
If my love knew I can sew and spi n
I’d make a coat of the finest kind
But…
I hope you lot are busy working on your poems to celebrate the 1 millionth post. Mine’s already in the bag, we had to draft in extra staff at the sausage factory to complete it in time.
As we never sit in judgement of each other I’ll be very generous and offer a prize to the first in with their effort, so get cracking and keep you eyes on the countdown, an out of date card of Viagra is up for grabs, the Doc gave them to me five years ago, I think he was pushing them and probably on commission from the makers, I never used them, as they say if you ain’t sick don’t take the pills. One never knows, they might still work if one gets lucky.