No practise required, creativity is OFF the cuff, no good contriving controversy.
Well,as you’re [mostly] aware,I changed occupation and now drive a coach for a,well,‘old folks’ day centre. Now-that of itself is no biggy…but the ladies who get onto the coach-JEEPERS. One lass is named Gladys,is from the Emerald isle…and is well into her 97th year. Yet,to look at and speak with her,you’d honestly say perhaps early 60s. That lass has a decidedly ‘spicy’ way of thinking-and speaking. Two days ago,as I was driving the crowded coach through the country lanes to the centre,having just collected the last person,she loudly came up with; [and this is true!!!]
“I’m 97 and on my way to Heaven.
No,I don’t mean nearly dead,
I mean tonight,when Puggy gets in my bed”.
At that moment,yer akshal Puggy [ces’t moi] was manouvering through a series of ‘s’-bends,so had to keep his attention on the road…but the laughter that little ditty invoked - OHHH boy…
I haven’t been reminded about that ditty AT ALL,at least 28 times in the last two days…honest I haven’t. The sods are ALL singing it,the moment she’s aboard…and all grinning like loons.
Just what IS it,wit’ dem Coleens,Jem???
I agree with you Spitty, and there’s no one faster off the cuff than yerself, long may you continue.;-)
“Just what IS it,wit’ dem Coleens,Jem???”
Ah I just love them all Pug, young and old, great bit of craic with them when they get going in the pub.
It’s all that anti sex stuff the church drummed into them when they were young, had them scared to death to even look at a man, everything was a mortal sin back them, doomed to everlasting flames in hell if you died with a mortal sin on your soul. Nowadays thankfully that’s all gone and the older ones i.e.Gladys are inclined to lose the run of themselves with their new found freedom, so watch out for your virginity lad.
Great to see you settlling in the new job Pug ould son, I hope you will be happy there, you sure sound happy here.;-)
There seems to be a lot of Fixations, knocking about of late.
I assume this little problem isn’t bothering any gentlemen on here , if there are any??
[B][I]On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked - you’re supposed to turn your clock back”.[/I][/B]
I bet he was a “Kiwi”.
Nurse with a bowl of steaming water, Doctor says “No, no Nurse, I asked you to Prick his Boil”.
I was watching an episode of Murder She Wrote last evening and one of the detectives was doing something I could never understand, wearing his overcoat over his shoulders, you know the way Al Capone used to wear his, the two arms out of the sleeves and the coat draped over his shoulders. What is the point of doing that? what’s wrong with carrying it over your arm if it’s too hot to wear it? I admit I tried it once on the suggestion of the wife, worse fool that I was, but the edges of the coat kept getting in the way when I moved me arms, as well as that it was slowly slipping off me shoulders, I felt like an idiot so to hell with that for a game of soldiers, if one want’s to walk around like that why not buy a cloak with a chain clasp on it to keep it on like Dracula used to do. Is it some kind of status thing? I think Robert Maxwell was a notable coat hanger. Anyway I’m delighted to see it’s gone out of fashion now with the jackets taking preference to the old Camel hair and crombie overcoats, I don’t think you can do it with a jacket, although some women used to do it with cardigans, Deborah Kerr style.
A fear of Wardrobes must affect these people, it may be one of their Hang ups.
Lord Cardigan had his hangers on too, I suppose thats what he gets for inventing the cardigan.
Things That Irritate Me
-
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time… I
know where my watch is pal, where is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? -
People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually. -
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too”.
That’s right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? -
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? -
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”.
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. -
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? -
When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it?
If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement,then there must have been something before it. -
When people say “life is short”. What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
-
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
-
cheese sandwich $2.50
-
chicken sandwich $2.75
-
hand job $10
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”
Quite right too, sure there’s nothing as bad as thumb marks on a cheese sandwich.
The BBC News presenter has just asked a French Journalist, if, Marie Le Pen could “Do a Trump”.
Watch out on future “It’ll be alright on the nights”.
Ok-my contreebooshun to the Little Johnny annals:
Little Johnny’s class was given homework:-i.e. to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports,teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny. Eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked to the front of the class grabbed a piece of chalk,made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on ‘something exciting’, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s called a period,miss” said Little Johnny. “Well, I know that,” she said, “but what’s exciting about it?” “Damned if I know miss,” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she’s missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
A senior citizen drove his brand new Jaguar XE out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the motorway, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the officer’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the officer got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Jaguar. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go…”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Traffic Officer. I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the officer.
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote control.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bugger!
Ah begosh and begorrah, tis in grand form your all in.
“Time is money” how many times have I heard that said to me by the profiteers in the jewellery game. It might have been to them but to me time was more important than money, I enjoyed my time and made the best of it while I was young, and I’m glad I did, making money could wait. Nobody in my bracket had any money to speak of so we were all in the one boat, besides there were plenty of things you could do that cost little or nothing back then, now you even have to pay for water—on and Island where it never stops raining! jaysus I ask yeh, have we all gone mad? Soon we will have to pay for the air we breathe.
There is no relationship between money and time only where business is concerned, time and age are natural and money is not.
What brings this on you may well ask, just a film I was watching about that many times told story of selling your soul to the devil. It reminded me of something that happened in the late 70’s, I almost did sell my soul to a devilish business woman from New York when I was a young married man in my late twenties, I’m so glad that I didn’t now that the devil is at the door, bad enough kicking the bucket, but when you know exactly where your going it’s a different kettle of fish altogether, It’s a long story and I’ll tell it to you someday if I’m still around that is.;-)
Well done all!
Just imagine we’ve reached one million postings
Some complimentary and others just roastings
Posts of scary Spiders and sick old Rats
Dogs with pimples and over sexed Cats
Getting spots out of tablecloths and wrinkles from brows
Choosing a partner and renewing marriage vows
Find out how to sew a seed or plant a tree
We’ll even sort out your bunions for free
Experts are here, we have them a plenty
Rich and poor, even some from the gentry
They fill us with facts and all sorts of theories
Answer your questions, they love all the queries
They’ll tell you “One million is more than you think
It would reach to Mars and back if written in ink”
Yes everything is here from a needle to an anchor
And finance is advised on by a merchant banker
So thank you all for giving me such fun
While I just sat on me chair polishing my bum.