Well me hearties, I shall stand and wave you all off from the shore, wishing you luck on your illustrious and exciting adventure , … wearing a Kiss Me Quick hat perched rakishly on my snub-nosed piggy head.
Harbal can keep me company as he metal detects on the beach trying to find doubloons ( and buried dog poop).
Farewell my friends …from the landlubber.
And watch out for any of Putin’s dark and deeply hidden subs lurking in Davy Jones locker.
(Who writes this atrocious script!)
Blame the Bots!
Sounds like another Pleasant Valley Sunday.
Huh - looks like I am being left behind!
Fancy keeping company with an abandoned woman, Smiffy??
I’m not sure if pirates are allowed to go now due to Covid….the arrr rate is going up…
In the event of ship wreck please grab the nearest Mae West, or other suitable inflatable. Several may be found dotted around the forum.
It would be an honour and pleasure for this muscular but thick baddie to spend what little time he has left ,with you 
I can’t be dancing…will a shuffle and slide do? Penguins are prone to flopping around like a gasping fish if their feet are off the ground. Plus that song is a major earworm…I can still hear it now, even though I have switched it off! 
Every ship needs a cat! You have to come! 
Can Silver tabby be Navigator with me because we need two people to hold the tape measure thats if the Sat Nav is out of area
Sorry I am late I missed the bus
For all thos not allocated a berth there positions in the Cast of Thousands, eg, chariot racers, Dead Sea pilgrims with Moses etc.
We will casting off in a min,
We launch… underway at last!
Ships log: Day 1
Position 52.4800° N, 1.9100° W
Wind 4 knots from the SE
The task of selecting a craft capable of completing such a momentous journey was soon easily overcome. An old sea dog called harbal signed on for the duration of the voyage and supplied a sturdy flat bottomed and wide berthed craft. ( similar to Dementia my beloved, peace and blessings on her name and worth the camel.).
To the untrained non-naval types the craft looked somewhat similar to an urban back garden but this was a cunning design trick by Vlad to avoid planning permission. The garden piloted by a comely wench called summer the navigator clad in a pair of tight fitting cycle shorts and little else finally made up the crew of the Good Ship Lollipop
Then, after making one last stop to pick up a packet of mint imperials and a book of word search puzzles for the journey, they were finally ready to cast off.
It’s not often that people get the opportunity to watch a back garden easing slowly out of a leafy suburb of Birmingham and striking out towards the M42. And, whilst it’s not the most impressive of sights, it has to be said that it is one of the most unusual, and consequently quite a crowd had gathered to see them off.
Sat at the helm in a ragged deckchair, Vlad waved graciously to his well wishers as the breeze billowed in the duvet cover that they had strung from the washing line to form their makeshift sail. Slowly, as dry land became ever more distant behind him, their cheers and shouts of encouragement faded from their ears and the crew were finally on their own. Peace at last. ……… the cabin girl Eliza, always eager to please, switched on the radio, tuned it on for the cricket and then settled back and went to sleep. (England were playing)
So endeth day 1. As the curtains close we see the Good Ship Lollipop heading into the setting sun, which was not a good sign, being that it indicated that they were travelling in the wrong direction and was extremely bad for the eyes.
(Will Captain Vlad realise the error of his ways or will he sailor on regardless?)
(The Epic, a 30-part serialisation is now available in paperback at all good bookshops)
ST you have been promoted to ‘bosun’ no, I have no idea. You main task will be to follow me around and when I give an order you will respond with ‘Aye Aye Captain. other nautical phrases you can use are, *thar she blows, iceberg dead head, * ok…got it?
No! You are just being silly.
Ummm, what happened to Roger the Cabin boy, has he gorn off with Captain Pugwash and Seaman Staynes.
Trust you to find a dancing penguin! 
My reuptation will be in ruins now and I will have to entertain the crew for endless hours!
Fear not…relax, you only appear in episode 4 so put your feet up
Im Bisexual, in other words Batting for both sides , You learn so much from listening to Cricket
Is it a little bit like this Vlad, but bigger and shippier?
