The censors got to it, it was very explicit and with the hot weather it was decided under Elfin Safety regulations, Pornography Laws, Badger Ownership Rules and the fact that the whipped cream had gone of because of the heat to cancel the video
Well thanks very much for telling me. I’ve been laid here starkers on my sheepskin rug all afternoon!!
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The props department told me it was a badger rug….
Well thanks very much for telling me.
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A little taster…it’s too hot for this nonsense
The continuing and never bloody-ending story
The track sweeps in a broad arc around the foothills. The desert rises up around us as the mountains begin to grow. (Note: approximately 4cms per year according to the best estimates)
For the first time we see a tantalising glimpse of Chief Mups Village - in the distance. Nestling between far away outcrops we spot the top of a turret, a moat (its a very tall moat) and a portcullis our sense of excitement builds as we anticipate the big booze up that lies ahead of us. Bloody hell it was a medieval Castle.
But our hearts sink when we start to see the warning signs in the Castle carpark. "NO VISITORS’’, “AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY”, “TRESPASSERS WILL BE CLAMPED” and "NO PICNICS". Then we come to the checkpoint. slowed the truck to a halt as an armed native called Psmith stepped forward clad in a combat thong and a very official looking rifle.
I proffer my piece of Edam with the letter to Ethel Greezle inscribed thereon. Psmith falls to the ground, shouting, “ It is the Chosen One”. I quickly looked around but realised it was me, I stepped out of the minibus and executed a graceful curtsey. A somewhat risky manoeuvre when wearing spurs and a Carmen Miranda hat…
More to follow
When to I get to play my clarinet?
You play the clarinet?
No, but I could learn.
An expectant silence settles over the forum, hot irritable children stop crying, fans and air conditioners slow to a halt…the world waits …
‘Why?’
Well someone has to.
Do you still have need of a penguin by any chance? I’m sitting here with my friend and we have finished off all the whisky fishky
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Well maybe you could do a turn at the Awards Party ?
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Yes Penguins are done can you return the outfit to the props Dept
Erm…
This isn’t an outfit though…
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Oh, sorry, I thought it was a bit tight in places…
Oi you, are you saying I need to lose weight? We penguins are known for being chubby and cute, you cheeky bugger. Have we found this shed yet or are you still prancing around in the desert trying to impress the locals with your curtseying?
Not all, nothing wrong with being chubby…if you are a penguin, the extra layers provide warmth against the cold……you must be sweating a lot in this weather
I am sweating blowing bubbles 
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Anyway….
I make my entrance.
A flunkey opens the great door. (Note: Flunkey, Definition: a person of unquestioning obedience a male servant (especially a footman) Synonyms: dweeb, flunky, lackey, stooge, yes-man
See Also: follower, pushover, retainer, servant.
Related Terms: apple-polisher, doormat, footman, gofer, hanger-on, hireling, inferior, jackal, lackey, lickspittle, menial, minion, retainer, servant, slave, stooge, subordinate, sycophant, toady, underling, yes-man.
I think to myself that maybe I should get one of those… they look quite nice with the brass handles hinges and a pair of big knockers. (I got that from an old ‘Carry on’ film)
I enter the inner sanctum and I proffer my business card to the Major domo who in fact had never held a commission in his life although he had once served with the Salvation Army under combat conditions he announces me, (part of the job description)
"great chiefess, ladies, gentlemen and small furry things I have the honour to present, (a drum roll is heard), "In the blue corner weighing in at a most amazing 13 stones due to the steroids",
"Vlad the Inhaler, the chosen one, seeker of the 7 eggs of destiny, (that’s another story) master of the known universe, ruler of many things that go bump in the night , head honcho, all round good egg and evil overlord."
‘Oooooooo! Cries Princess Maree daughter of the chiefess, ‘I am impressed’!
I decide to make her my personal advisor on the basis that as a sixteen year old she will be able to spot any flaws in my cunning plan and correct them before implementation.
I sally forth (Note: Sally Forth, pen name of Ethel Greezle , author of Cheese Rules for Beginners) like a galleon under full sail, down the length of the living room to the throne of Chief Mups a difficult task with the wind coming from the port quarter and wearing sling backs. Clutching my sabre, 2 tins of Spam, a black and white picture of a piece of toast and an old army blanket, I approach the throne and with a flourish I curtsy in four different languages including the original Aramaic.
The Chiefess (Mups by name) an imposing figure clad in a pair of plus fours, a kiss me quick bonnet in a fetching shade of pink and a tattered old dressing gown frowns down at me and says in a voice designed to strike fear into the souls of mere mortals, ‘Your late!’ This worried me, Chiefess Mups had an amazing grasp of the English language it might be difficult to fool her (there again maybe not)
I decided to go for Plan B. I activated my personal self-destruct mechanism, I was to later regret having a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push’’ attached to my Carmen Miranda hat. (Note: Carmen Miranda. Late 40’s Mexican actress, noted for her Latin dances whilst wearing a fruit bowl on her head)
"*Hail O Chief Mups sez I,
"I have travelled far, braved the storms of the North Atlantic suffered at the hands of dastardly pirates, risked the embraces of my cabin girlie who played hard to get, endured the endless monologues of Silver Tabby got lost in thought, which was totally unexplored territory for me, and summer the bloody navigator, I have suffered like no man has ever suffered before".
‘Of course I am bloody late’ …
To be continued
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And us sixteen year olds aren’t easily impressed, you must be awesome, the last bloke only got a “whatever” 🧝🏼♀️