Journey to a Far Land

[Vlad]

Anyway….part of episode seeing that you are all awake

Day 5 I think…

Land oh! Or oh really?
Morticia the stowaway was doing a little fishing, but having no luck, she was fishing for trout and we were in the middle of a very salty sea, nevertheless it kept her from picking at her Black Spots.

“Not many people are aware of the shark’s extraordinary leaping abilities,” she says. “It is not uncommon for the average adult shark to be capable of leaping straight out of the bloody water and hurling itself hundreds of miles inland.”
(Note: Shark, The Shark is a very large animal with big pointy teeth and a severe attitude problem. Given these character traits it is highly likely that anybody coming into contact with one will sustain some degree of injury). Don’t you just love these learning experiences? (Point to note; Sharks will only eat you if you are wet, I do not charge for this info.)

Then, on the day of the penguins final visit, it turned up in a top hat and brought along a kebab (Note for foreign readers, Dont ask!) and a bag of nuts. And it was on this day that Pixie Knuckles finally spoke to me. She said that my journey was almost at an end; that I should turn right at the next squid we came to and that we would soon be in sight of land. I implored Pixie Knuckles the bird to stay with me so that we could enjoy victory together, the Penguin shook its beak at me and told me that she could not; that she had to return whence she came; namely, to the office of an insurance company in Reading, where she was head of marketing. And then, just as abruptly as she had arrived, she was gone. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the crew who were getting quite used to this amazing mirage.

"Lee Ho" I shouted, for no particular reason, I just thought I would put that in here because there was a space for it. I don’t normally do any of that nautical shouting stuff because it confuses the crew.
More to follow after lunch…

[Eliza]

funny you should mention them Black spots on Morty, I noticed them getting bigger, that usually happens when shes gorges herself , which she tends to do when we ignore her ,

Ive got the crew out looking for Paddington , who might be in Penzance now or may have been eaton by the SHARK

[Vlad]

I have some spray for black spot on my roses…would that help!

[Vlad]

Anyway here we are again…
Ok it was a long lunch… European…

Our navigator (still) summer followed the bird’s instructions, looking for a squid…that’s you butterscotch …hoo rah! finally we found one answering to that name and then turned right.
We wondered where the bird had really come from. Had it been a messenger from heaven? Perhaps it was our guardian angel in earthly form? Or maybe it really did work in the financial sector, who knew? It was time to carry out some research into the tribes that my plucky crew and I, their equally plucky Captain and Leader were likely to encounter.

Setting the automatic pilot to automatic we retired to the ships library bar and grill and there amongst the old copies of Men Only and Maree’s knitting patterns we found what we required. John Blashford Snell’s definitive guide to The Temple of Doom, aptly subtitled, ‘My life among the Innuits of Canada and World Curry Book’. (Note: John Balshford-Snell, famous for looking very very silly in large ex WW2 army shorts and a pith helmet)

Blashers wrote that the main tribe inhabiting Canada were led by their clan chief Mups an awesome figure of a woman much given to underwater wrestling and inventing numbers between 6 and 7.

We, meaning me of course, decided in the interests of international relations that it would stand us in good stead and secure all the mineral rights if we offered Mups gifts from the The Great White Queen of the East. (Julian Clary now playing at the Newcastle Hippodrome).
Amongst the offerings we included 2 tins of out of date Spam, a black and white picture of a piece of toast, a Prong (Note: Prong, a new number between 6 and 7, It is provisionally being referred to as ‘6a’, although ‘grimp’, ‘frange’ and ‘node’ are amongst the names that have been suggested. The current favourite is 'prong) and an old Army blanket which had been used to keep the compost heap dry
Tired, exhausted, wearied and tired again Vlad and his crew finally landed in Canada just four months after they had set out from home. They were was greeted by a tumultuous surge of indifference from the millions of disinterested bystanders who had no idea that he was coming. But that didn’t matter. He had become the first man to cross the Atlantic by garden. What’s more, he had risen to the challenge, he had defeated the obstacles, he had shown courage in the face of adversity, perseverance in the face of ruin, he had proved his point, won his bet and pocketed 50 pence, and was awarded another naval decoration, the VD and Scar

So Endeth Part 4 In part 4a , The crew discover the real reason for the day out

[PixieKnuckles]

Just to be clear…we are still searching for a shed, aren’t we?

[Eliza]

I thought we was looking for his Bear ,? im retiring to my cabin , wake me on the next chaptor.

[Vlad]

@PixieKnuckles

Just to be clear…we are still searching for a shed, aren’t we?

Well done, you are correct, there is a Blue Peter Badge in the post

[PixieKnuckles]

Hmm Wasn’t aware of a bear, but thats why I love this…so much variety! Rightyho…I’ll have a scuttle around and I’ll get you up later on. Now where did I put that fish…I swear to goodness if the dog has eaten I’ll be very miffed.

[PixieKnuckles]

The gold one. Nothing less. I am a very pernickity penguin

[Vlad]

@Eliza

I thought we was looking for his Bear ,? im retiring to my cabin , wake me on the next chaptor.

Cabin and bear in one sentence…whose a clever lil cabin girl then .

[PixieKnuckles]

Eliza! Eliza! Time to get up immediately! Chapter and verse has started and you had better make yerself scarce!

[Eliza]

ive dropped a little something in his Rum , he will sleep like a baby .

[PixieKnuckles]

Oooh, I do like a good potion…bwhahaha! But wait…who will steer the ship now? Wait…I’ll do it! Being in the financial sector as I am, I like crunching numbers and graphs and diagrams.

Behold! The Penguin shall steer the ship!

[SilverTabby]

Obviously I am still on ‘Ignore’ so am off to my bed!

[summer]

Sees a shed in the distance and points to it…(all done without the assistance of Sat Nav)…quick penguin steer over that way… points again

Me thinks this navigation thing is a doddle but thank goodness for a pointy finger

[PixieKnuckles]

To a penguin…poinitng means fish (usually) so this is encouraging…all I have eaten on this trip is half a dried kebab from two days ago. Wonder where the Cap’n is for goodness sake…he’s probably gone looking for his Bosun - who I may add is sitting patiently over there making the bow look pretty. He better hurry up and take over, I have insurance scams policies to deal with.

[Psmith]

Black Ed here.Ready for my big(and last) scene.
I’ve been wrestling poodles to keep in shape.

[Vlad]

Your big fight scene is coming up….
Mave-Rick get your guide uniform on

Vlad Enterprise inc. publication. All rights reserved. In part 6 Some interesting stuff about cheese

(due to a total rewrite, Silver Tabby’s sex scene will now be in the next episode)

Prior Preparation and Planning prevents etc…

It was extremely fortuitous that my arrival fell on the very day that Chief Mups ( Someonefind Mups and tell her she is on) was to celebrate her return from Wimbledon and the 5th International Dwarf Throwing Championship and that a great celebration had been in the planning for many minutes. The axiom of the local natives apparently being, Prior Preparation and Planning prevents piss Poor Parties
Word had spread throughout the lands, the drums had beaten through the day, signals had been wafted into the heavens, runners clad in skimpy leather thongs had run errands and messages delivered by tuna and the local penguin service had arrived at the abodes of all the local tribes men. Messages dispatched by flying bendy sticks were returned unanswered.

(Interesting fact No2, From the World Curry book of ‘Interesting facts and other useful things’
The inherent elasticity of sheep is often overlooked, and yet it is the one major factor that enabled them to survive since the Cretaceous period. This ability means they are able to weather horrific falls from large mountains, trees and public buildings without so much as a scratch.) Us Welsh have a certain affinity with sheep which you might have noticed,

Whilst attending to essential maintenance on my craft, the roses on the port bow where in serious need of pruning, another penguin crash-landed onto the bird table, the bird apparently having mistaken it for the new runway at Birmingham International. The penguin not called Pixie Knuckles but bearing a very close likeness sported a rather fetching smoking jacket (Model 2a, complete with sprinkler system) not unlike Noel Cowards. And he bore a message inscribed on a small piece of Edam.
The message read,
Dear Ethel Greezle
I was wondering what would be the most appropriate type of cheese to serve to grieving relatives at a wake. Nobody I know has died recently, but it’s as well to be prepared, isn’t it?
Mary W
Not being Ethel Greezle I thought it might be inappropriate to reply. Nevertheless I have been in a situation like this before (See my latest travel guide, A day trip to Calais with Dartmoor Prison) and I’ve always found that a four-year-old Gorgonzola usually helps them snap out of it. For best results it should be loaded into a rocket launcher and fired at a spot just three inches to the left of the grief-stricken relative’s head. I took this message to be an invite to the forthcoming celebrations and ordered my cabin girlie to prepare my accoutrements.

(Interesting fact No3, From the World Curry book of ‘Interesting facts and other useful things’) This will be of interest to SG
A recent report commissioned by the Home Office has revealed that for the year 2001/2002 the crime rate in the North Sea was practically zero. At depths of around 95 metres, instances of property crime are significantly lower than the national average, and car theft is practically unheard of).

Oh what to wear!..

My cabin girl was in somewhat of a quandary, she was not quite aux faux on the appropriate ceremonial dress for a native celebration and dwarf throwing championships. ‘Did you know, she said, the shark is not technically a fish, but a type of self-assembly wardrobe’? I sometime wondered why I had bothered to give her a part in this epic. So I hit her (again) with a house brick that I kept handy for occasions such as these.
It was finally decided that I wear the full dress uniform of the First Battalion Fireside Fusiliers. I had been Honourary Lance Corporal since the early 50’s. My uniform was in dashing off white and bemedalled with my medals, VD and Scar, WC and Chain, Blue Peter Badge and the Legion de Honoure, for services to Naafi staff. These along with my Carmen Miranda hat made me quite an imposing sight. I was ready to meet Chief Mups.

So endeth Part VII patent pending.

[Vlad]

@summer

Me thinks this navigation thing is a doddle but thank goodness for a pointy finger

One doesn’t point….one indicates

[Eliza]

Im quite familiar with Bricks Cpt VD I bear the scars from my Younger days , Did you know theres several types of Bricks , I was hit with a Common Brick ., Never felt a thing till the blood ran down my
mush .
Tonight I will be ready for your attack, I will be waiting in my Cabin with a long Scabbord which you will get to know well be time ive finished with you .