It’s sad to think that folks can live without a code, but, it is concerning that AI will step in and fill this void!!!
1 Like
The vows are necessary to get married. It’s a convention and believe it or not, they are taken in good faith at the time. Is that hard to understand? Maybe for some it is.
On a personal level, having taken the vows in a church for the reason said earlier (not religious) and ultimately feeling pretty bad about breaking them, I wasn’t going to let it happen again. Second partner and I lived together for three years before taking the plunge. Oh dear! That’s not good either is it? Guess I’m still awful in the eyes of God and those who have managed to stay the course in marriage.
1 Like
Mart, how are you in your eyes?
A mixture of good and bad like many I suppose but not a judge on others personal lives regarding relationships.
2 Likes
In good faith .
Well said , 
1 Like
Especially if they are men 
Personally I am happily married but have had several divorced friends over the years.
I’m not in touch with any of them now.
Friend 1. She met a man who was the brother of a friend which led to an affair - divorce
Friend 2. Her hubby met a woman at work which led to an affair - divorce.
Friend 3 Her hubby used to knock her about during their very frequent rows - divorce
Friend 4. (male) His wife finally got fed up of his drinking habits & left him - divorce
Friend 5 (male) Same as above but gambling - sometimes all his wages went on the horses - divorce.
I’ve been divorced twice.
My first wife was a delightful, intelligent, pretty woman but she was also very neurotic and life with her became intolerable, we separated after about a decade but remained friends.
My second wife was fine until she started to gamble, long story short, she borrowed money from other people to feed her addiction. She kept leaving me when she got into too much debt telling her friends it was because I gave her no money, their advice was based on this lie and was useless.(I wasn’t aware of her gambling) I was actually better off when she left, the amount I paid in child support was less than I gave her as house keeping. After she had done this a couple of times I decided I was better off without her and divorced her.
It cost me a house (we had several) but she gambled that away within three years. The kids came to live with me as soon as she left the second time (their choice) so she didn’t even get child support, I did, though she actually rarely paid anything and I didn’t pursue it as I was working. The child support agency didn’t try very hard either, they are used to dealing with recalcitrant husbands not wives.
The first wife died a few years ago, the second one had a stroke about a decade ago and is an old people’s home, I never see her though the kids do visit her occasionally.
Personally I am as happy as a pig in poo.
2 Likes
Some folks are built to be alone and it suits them, maybe they should never “Officially” pair up in the first place, and spare the reputation of the institution?
1 Like
I think marriage goes through stages…staying together isn’t always easy and I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had made other choices…
I’m happy with where I am but its more through luck than good management…my hubby isn’t a bad old stick…he has a lot to put up with being married to me 
3 Likes
That’s it summer, you have to look at yourself and think, how could anyone else put up with that 
if only one of the pair thinks that, usually coz of ego or arrogance, it’s doomed 
1 Like
Whether you’ve been married 5 years or 50
In a marriage it’s quality of life that counts rather than quantity of years.
Once respect has gone it’s time to move on
3 Likes
The other mans grass is always greener
The sun shines brighter on the other side 
All this is well known but why does a mouth make promises that a brain can’t keep
1 Like
Generally people do not go into marriage thinking oh well if it doesn’t work out we can get divorced .
They think it’s going to last for ever like Darby and Joan .
They say what they believe at the time the mouth usually does what the brain tells it too .
Roll on 20 years things are not the same one or both are unhappy .
No one goes into divorce lightly .
It is often sad and hurtful not to say expensive .
It is the death of dreams it causes upset to children even adult children .
It is often but not always men who instigate divorce , usually because they have met someone else .
Men rarely move on if they have not somewhere to go
4 Likes
I think when you marry, you look each other in the eye and make those promises to each other. And if you make a promise you should do your best to keep it and not let each other down
But you make that promise to the person and in the situation as it is at the time. People change, I think you should fight for your marriage and not give up on each other easily but also that no one should sacrifice themselves or their children to a life of misery
The religion thing complicates it for believers, I expect. Is breaking those promises a sin? It probably is in the eyes of some churches I wouldn’t like to speak for God
But if you believe in an all loving, all knowing, merciful God, then presumably it’s between you, God and your conscience and your God will understand what you decide and why?
I loved my first husband to bits. I don’t like to see reasons for divorce put in judgey categories ……violence, unfaithful etc understandable……bored with each other, grown apart….not so much
No one knows what really goes on between a couple
But my husband had an alcohol problem and was violent and while I might have put up with it for myself, I couldn’t and didn’t for my children
And then I met the current incumbent, trouble on two legs and my soul mate 
6 Likes
well said I agree with all of that!!
I married my second husband because I loved him deeply, but during our marriage vows, he never looked at me . Not once , I looked at him throughout mine, and his , he looked at the vicar . When we were pronounced man and wife, I looked up at him, and he didn’t even kiss me .
I divorced him 15 yrs later
3 Likes
Nobody is suggesting that anyone should be locked into a relationship, but to make a promise is something that should never be broken and in view of that, I believe marriage should only be allowed once. The God bit of the arrangement is really to rubber stamp the promises you make. In the old days God was probably held in the highest regard, so a promise with him as the presiding official is as high as you could go. Now a registrar probably carries the same weight, but you are still making a solemn promise with someone important overseeing the ceremony. Your word means nothing and is a farce if you keep retracting the thing that you promised for life in the presence of God or a registrar. It’s like welching on a debt!
1 Like
Not everybody does make a promise for life when they get married, though.
I’m not sure what happens at Church Weddings nowadays because I haven’t been to one in recent years but if you have a civil marriage ceremony in front of a registrar, you can choose your own vows (providing they are not linked to religion) or not make any extra vows if you don’t want to.
The only 2 things you have to say for a legal marriage contract is The Declaration (that you know of no legal reason why you may not marry the person named) and The Contract, where you say you are taking the person named as your lawful wedded wife / husband.
You don’t have to add the love, cherish, honour or obey bits unless you want to and you don’t have to say til death do us part or make any promise to stay together forever either.
It’s up to the couple who are getting married what vows they choose to exchange and whether they say them during the marriage ceremony or not.
To me, that makes the vows more meaningful and relevant, rather than repeating someone else’s words, which were written long ago, in a different era.
3 Likes
In the ’ olden days ’ you married for life , even if desperately unhappy , abuse , adultery, whatever , divorce was difficult , shameful. I know because I knew women in dreadful situations . The saying made your own bed was said to all . No one signes up for abuse , desperation, unhappiness , when vows are said often they really are meant, but do we really know another person when we make that promise? I thought I did .
No one should live unhappily , just because they said I Will , they said those words believing in love and kindness , it isn’t always so a few years on .
Those who have been fortunate enough to live together happily , well done both , but it’s not the same story for many .
Divorce is horrible , heartbreaking , soul destroying , financially draining and brings huge loss and heartbreak, but better than staying in an unhappy relationship
9 Likes