Advice to MP’s.
Haven’t got enough money to send all three of your kids to boarding school? Employ your wife as your office manager and give her £60k a year to work 10 hours a week. 
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, ‘Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?’
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please… just one more time before I die.'She says, ‘Of course, Dear,’ and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. ‘Honey, I have only 4 more hours… Do you think we could…’
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning… you don’t.
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An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you sad?”
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meagre pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a solid gold club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a sterling silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
Again, the golfer replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, “Yes Lord, that’s it!”
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy.
Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Now Why are you sad?”
“Oh, Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘No’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said, ‘No’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘Yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve … so that’s why I said ‘Yes’ to Kate Upton.”
And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honourable reason, and only out of consideration for others.
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Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.
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Yep…good one 
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Don’t encourage him, Pixie. 
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My granddad was amazing. He used to put a teaspoon of gunpowder in his morning tea. He said it was the way to live a long and happy life. He lived to be 97.
He left behind a wife, 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 14 great-grandchildren and a 250 ft wide crater where the crematorium once stood.
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I especially like numbers 2 & 3
We are not taking you to hospital. We are taking you to a phone box so you can have a telephone appointment with your doctor…
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