I hate waking up hungover, eyebrows shaven off, with a dick drawn on my forehead.
Especially when I was drinking on my own last night!
The function of Italyâs traffic lights vary from region to region. According to one of its politicians, they are instructions in Milan, suggestions in Rome and Christmas decorations in Naples.
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as âLuvsâ, âHuggiesâ, and "Pampersâ, while undergarments for old people are called âDependsâ.
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luvâem, Hugâem and Pamperâ em. When old people crap in their pants, it âDependsâ on whoâs in the will!
Hah, I like that one, Muddy. 
Brilliant, Muddy!
How do you repair a wifeâs watch?
You donât, thereâs a clock on the ovenâŠ
Think Iâd better run for itâŠ
A grey-headed old man shuffled into a down-town bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the âPiano Player Wantedâ sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. âIâd like to apply for the job,â he said. âI was a Navy F-4 pilot off the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at Officersâ Club happy hours while in port, so here I am."
The bartender wasnât too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.
The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before.
When he finished there wasnât a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. Itâs called âDrop your Skivvies, Baby, Iâm Going Balls To The Wall For Youâ he said after a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself.
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, âBig Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.â
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, âSpread 'em Baby, Itâs Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Center-lineâ, excused himself and headed for the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, âHey, Fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?â
âKnow it?â, the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!â
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying, âGod bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.â
The father asked, âWhy did you say âgood-bye Grandpa?ââ
The little girl said, âI donât know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.â
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, âGod bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.â
The next day the grandmother died.
âHoly crap!â thought the father, âthis kid is in contact with the other side.â
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, âGod bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy.â
He practically went into shock. He couldnât sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, âIâve never seen you work so late. Whatâs the matter?â
He said, âI donât want to talk about it, Iâve just spent the worst day of my life.â
She said, âYou think you had a bad day. Youâll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meetingâŠâ
Have you heard the news about Battersea Dogâs Home?
Theyâre in deep financial trouble.
Apparently theyâve called in the Official Retriever.
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship in orbit around the Earth.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voiceâs will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnât matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your motherâs maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.