Some funnies for today

[Minx]

[Minx]

[Judd]

[Judd]

[Judd]

[MrFraggle67]

Back in the '80s a plane carrying gearbox components to the Nissan factory had a hatch for the hold fail, causing the cargo to fall to the ground. It is still remembered in Japan as the day it rained Datsun cogs.

[wishbone]

So I’ve just joined a book club for drinkers.

First up is Tequila Mockingbird.

[MrFraggle67]

A friend had bred a messenger pigeon with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.

[wishbone]

[Fruitcake]

Advice for old men.

It is better that you forget to zip up your flies after urinating than to forget to unzip beforehand.

[wishbone]

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

[Judd]

[Judd]

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How many times did you click on it?

[Judd]

Those on Twitter should be familiar with this woman who had the screaming ad dabs when the referendum result was announced. It’s been used as a meme to show disappointment ever since.

[wishbone]

After being sentenced to two and a half years, Boris Becker asked, “I’m sorry, how many months is that?"

The Judge replied…“30, love.”

[Percy_Vere]

Indian Curry Rhapsody (to the tune Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen)

Naan, just killed a man. Pappadom against his head.
Had lime pickle now he’s dead.
Naan, dinner’s just begun. But now I’m gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh

Didn’t mean to make you cry
If I’m not back from the loo this time tomorrow curry on, curry on
'Cos nothing really Madras.

Too late, my dinner’s gone. Sends shivers down my spine.
Bottom aching all the time.
Goodbye onion bhaji, I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiaza is so mild, I sometimes wish we’d never come here at all… [guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely, very very spicy Meat!

Byriani, Byriani, Byriani and a naan
A vindaloo …loo… loo… loo

I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me
He’s eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
In case the loo is quarantined…
Here it comes
Technicolor yawn. I chunder. No!
It’s coming up again (There he goes)
I chunder, it’s coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again. (No no no no no no NO)

On my knees, I’m on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee… poor meeee…poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel all right?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you’ll puke like a baby

Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here. …

[guitar solo]

Korma or dupiaza, bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference. Nothing makes a difference
To meee… (anyway the wind blows…shshshsh)

[Judd]

Ten priests, travelling in a mini-bus which crashed and killed all on board, duly arrived at the gates of heaven to be met by St. Peter, who said.

“Any of you who have fiddled with young boys, turn round and go straight to Hell”
Nine of the priests start walking towards Hell and St. Peter shouts after them “And take this deaf bastard with you”

[Judd]

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who’s walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: “You know what Shamus, I be thinkin’ dat maybe you should be carryin’ dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder”.

[chilledguy]

Credits: HumorNama

[Judd]

Once upon a time, Big Ears needed to go somewhere important and decided to ask his good friend Noddy for a lend of his lovely yellow car. On his way to Noddy’s house, Big Ears wondered what would happen if Noddy refused to lend him the car. Would their special friendship end? What if Noddy did lend Big Ears the car, and he got a scratch on it or even worse, crashed it? Big Ears thought hard about his predicament on his way to Noddy’s house. When he finally arrived at his good friend Noddy’s house, Big Ears knocked on the door and when Noddy opened it, Big Ears said, “Stick your f***ing car up your arse!”