I told my psychiatrist that I keep thinking that I am a dog.
He said “Get of the couch!”
Me: “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
Doc: "I don’t follow you … ”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”
“A Fender ?”
“No, she loved it…”
Robbie Williams has confirmed that wife Ayda didn’t want another child. He said…
“Through it all, she offered me protection”
I went on a positive thinking course today …
It was crap.
I didn’t understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down…
And then the penne dropped.
My little Spanish nephew can’t even say please…
That’s poor for four…
I told my Mum I’d made a car out of spaghetti, but she didn’t believe me!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re.
There so stupid.
That’s right.
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me in Tesco last night.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil 
Groan
My pleasure sir 
Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lyme disease.
I rang my wife from the shop cos I’d forgot what orange juice she wanted.
‘Concentrate’ she said, but I still couldn’t remember
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite Christian festival is.
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Lets all show our appreciation for DPD and Hermes drivers at this time by clapping on our doorsteps sometime between 7am and 9pm!
I’m worried about one of my testicles.
It’s quite a bit bigger than the other two.