Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
No pressure.
For all those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician. 
Well that is a shocking experience .:shock:
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
I grew up so poor we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.
My boyfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
1 Like
Argentina is surprisingly cold.
In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
1 Like
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My wife told me sex is better on holiday… that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
I was walking past a farm when I saw a sign saying “Duck,Eggs”.I thought to myself “Thats an unnecessary comma” Then it hit me.
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse!
A man ate a clock, it was very time consuming
I was just offered 8 legs of venison for £200.
Is that just too dear?
Hi
What is the difference between Brexit and WW2.
WW2 only lasted 6 years.
Very good 
Guess who I saw in specsavers!
How many dyslexics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Steven!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit!