One liners and short jokes!

The Doctor comes in and says,
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…
something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “However, You’ve got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And what is the decision?” asks the doctor.

Me: What do you know about atoms?
Friend: Very little
Me: Anything else?

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I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life.
It’s an oughtobiography! :grinning:

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So, I hear Jada Pinkett Smith is divorcing Will Smith.
Hair loss…

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Just cost me a whole QUID to put air in my tires!
Guess that’s inflation for you! :grinning:

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When I was a lad, I remember running at the back of the bus to save the twopenny fare.

When I got home, mum slapped me on the back of the head and said, “Next time, run at the back of a taxi and save two quid”

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4 Likes

I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid.
But I can stop whenever I want! :slight_smile:

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In the Canary Islands there are no canaries.

Same thing in the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either! :grinning:

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“Dammit I’m Mad”

What is that when spelled backwards? :grinning:

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On board ship 2 American ladies were trying to work out the time due to crisscross the international date line. So me always trying to be helpful suggested they turned their Ipads upside down at get the time in Australia. Guess what they did ? Yes they believed me and turned them upside down.

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My mate told me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.
I said “Did ya redo it?” :grinning:

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I’ve been prescribed some gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in…

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Did Schrodinger tell you that one, RB?? :smiley_cat: :smiley_cat:

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9 out of 10 times that I lose something … it’s because I put it in a safe place! :grinning:

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Fatal!

Friend: Thanks for introducing me to Minimalism.
Me: It’s the least I could do! :grinning:

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If at first, you don’t succeed, then maybe parachuting is not the sport for you.

What do you give the woman who has everything? Penicillin.

I accidentally passed my wife a glue stick instead of a lipstick.
She’s STILL not talking to me! :grinning:

What do we want?
Hearing Aaids!
When do we want them?
Hearing Aids! :grinning: