A beautiful lady was thumbing a lift
Her car was broke and she was miffed
I said “Need a ride?”
Yes please she cried
Then her husband arrived…boy did I shift!!!
I had a long swim in the sea
I had a long swim in the sea
Got too cold and now wanted a pee
I had a long swim in the sea
Got too cold and now wanted a pee
So let rip in the water
I had a long swim in the sea
Got to cold and now wanted a pee
So let rip in the water
D’you think that you oughta?
I had a long swim in the sea
Got to cold and now wanted a pee
So let rip in the water
D’you think that you oughta?
Oh what a grotty tyke you be. 
I need to check my antifreeze
I need to check my antifreeze
Sounds like a sensible wheeze
I need to check my antifreeze
Sounds like a sensible wheeze
While you’re at it, check your oil
I need to check my antifreeze
Sounds like a sensible wheeze
While you’re at it, check your oil
And tyres and wipers must not spoil
Check them all, it’s be a breeze.
While waiting in the post office queue
While waiting in the post office queue
I really needed a number two
While waiting in the post office queue
I really needed a number two
Heavens above, what could I do
While waiting in the post office queue
I really needed a number two
Heavens above, what could I do
Don’t sneeze if I was you
While waiting in the post office queue
I really needed a number two
Heavens above, what could I do
Don’t sneeze if I was you
Fancy queuing when you need a poo.
It’s time we had a cleaner rhyme
While waiting in the post office queue
I really needed a number two
My “cheeks” I did purse
It’s time we had a cleaner rhyme
Something sweet and truly sublime
It’s time we had a cleaner rhyme
Something sweet and truly sublime
Words for even the Vicar to see
It’s time we had a cleaner rhyme
Something sweet and truly sublime
Words for even the Vicar to see
While he’s having his Sunday tea
It’s time we had a cleaner rhyme
Something sweet and truly sublime
Words for even the Vicar to see
While he’s having his Sunday tea
We’ll have to make it another time.
A man from Gravesend in Kent
A man from Gravesend in Kent
Took a big lass to his tent
A man from Gravesend in Kent
Took a big lass to his tent
The tent zip got stuck