My old grandad hated the Germans. He proudly told us all how he had killed fifteen of them. Unfortunately it was 25 years after the war so he died in prison.
My wife complained that my life revolving around facebook has destroyed the way we communicate as a family… so I’ve blocked her!
My wife bought a new oven glove in a bright yellow colour. I kept making puns about it, and now she’s not talking to me…
I probably did take it too far, I mustard mitt!
…
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention, so I simply sat down and looked comfortable…
That did the trick!
My dog went missing after laying in the sun all day…
I contacted the local paper and put a message in the lost tanned hound section!
Always does.
My Farmer friend was showing me his massive ploughed field.
“That’s great”, I said, “but why do you have those two unploughed circular grassy areas right out there up near the end.”
Oh! He said, “Sentimental Reasons, the one on the left is where I first had sex.”
So I said " amazing!, but what about the other one?"
That’s where the mother was standing watching", he replied.
I gulped “Her mother was watching? Did she say anything?”
“Yes” he replied, she said “Baaaa”
In Wales?
I went to the Dr’s this morning.
“Have a look at this. I’ve got some kind of infection on my cock and it’s weeping pus.”
“Ooh… That does looks nasty.”
“Been like it for a few days now… Anyway, enough of my woes. What can I do for you Mr. Smith?”
Sounds like one of my old doctors few years back. I went in complaining of back pain and he just said, ‘I’ve got a bloody back ache but you don’t hear me complaining’ (In a Yorkshire accent)
Me and my mate were having a few drinks last night telling each other our best chat up lines…
Some of his were so good, I ended up back at his place
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at the Francis St traffic lights The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny?’ The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost quarter a million quid’ ‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’ ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… But I’ll stick with my Moped!’
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor… Is there anything I can do for you?’
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my braces from your feckin side view mirror’ !
Brilliant - you may consider that one nicked. 
lol!!!
You are welcome - Judd - enjoy sharing!