I went to my doctor yesterday. I had a really weird ailment,that I just couldn’t cure or sort out. On entering his office,he asked me my problem,so I told him the truth…every time I blow my nose,my vision blurred-often quite badly. Gotta give him credit-he cured the problem in 10 seconds.
“Stop cleaning your spectacles on your hanky,Pug”. it worked-I’m cured!
A mother working in the kitchen was listening to her little Johnny in the adjoining room playing with his new train set. She heard the train stop and her son say “ All you buggers who want to get off at this station better get a move on and all you sods who want to get on better heave their arses quickly cuz the bloody trains about to move off”.
The mother remonstrated with her son telling him that he should not use such appalling language and that he was banned to the bedroom for 2 hours as punishment.
Two hours later she heard him again playing trains and when the train stopped heard him say “ All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we look forward to serving you again soon. For those boarding, we ask you to stow your hand baggage under the seat and we hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. Those of you who are pissed off because the train is two hours late should take the matter up with the ugly bitch in the kitchen”.
what did the foul mouthed urchin do with the two hours, confined to quarters, Tommy Tank perhaps? Was the Mother a Fat Controller?
Thanks for the laughs lads, I needed a good chuckle.
I was watching an old film the other day, well the wife wanted to see it, I was stuck with it and it was too cold to bugger off down to the shed, anyway the film was called “Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid” a scene in the film shows William Powell strolling along a beach in Bermuda on a moonlit night with a girl hanging out of his arm, then she starts to gaze into his eyes and sing a mushy song, it would never happen in real life but this is only a film after all, pure fantasy, it was torture for me to watch it but the wife lapped it up. men singing up into a girls face and the other way round on the screen always embarrasses me to look at, it’s so corny.
.
I remembered when I once fixed up a mate of mine with one of the wife’s sisters, this chap hadn’t a clue when it came to going out with girls. He took her to the local cinema and walked her home, didn’t even buy her a bag of chips on the way home, when he got to her gate they stopped and stood there looking at each other, then the gobshite suddenly bursts into ’song’, murdering “If I fell in Love with you” by the Beatles, he had a voice like a wounded Vulture, she was so embarrassed and fearing some of her friends would chance by, she made a dash for her hall door, opened it, then slammed it, and that was the end of that beautiful romance, nipped in the bud as they say.
I reminded the wife of that incident with her sister, she was not amused “Eileen never forgets that night with YOUR mate, you sure knew how to pick them, where did you dig him up from?” Always amazes me how quickly she can reverse the blame to me, quite a neat little trick that.
Serenading I believe it’s called, singing to your love did not go down well in those days, at least not in Dublin. Any of you lot ever try warbling up to your wife’s mug? Love to see some photos of that.
Always amazes me how quickly she can reverse the blame to me, quite a neat little trick that.
Tell me about it.
I’m all excited about the discovery of these seven new worlds capable of sustaining life, and only 36 light years away, a stones throw in space distance for advanced intelligent beings but out of our reach forever,. Exoplanets they call them, at first glance I thought it said Oxoplanets and says to meself “Ah it’s just old stock news beefed up by some eager journalist” (take me away after that effort)
It’s great to know that we are not alone and even greater to know that no greedy bastards from this planet can ever get to them to corrupt them and strip them of all assets.
I’m sure the inhabitants of these worlds know all about us down here and don’t want a belt of us, yes that’s what I call intelligent life, it makes good sense to avoid humans at all costs, they’re like a virus in the universe, they destroy everything they come into contact with.
And scientists keep wondering why they never try to contact us and send us signals, cop on eggheads, if you were one of those beings would you?
All these new Planets, reaching them would be a Hard Drive.
We’re having more than enough trouble trying to keep just the one planet peaceful…imagine how it’d be if we had to elect ‘honest’ politicians for several more! Ohhhh,boy-where’s that bloody TARDIS when y’need it!?!
and just think of all those false claims " I just had to pop over to exoplanet 2 and 3 for some extraplanetary council meetings the hotels were so expensive"!
Calling Occupants of Exoplanetary Craft.
It’s good on this Thread, there are no PC folks, there is less chance of being “Vaped Out”.
Maybe so,spitty…but don’t forget the ‘Human Resources’ dept.
Having made one film to show how business & commerce couldn’t manage without them,I hear they’re making another one,specifically to recruit potential settlers to populate those new planets…
‘Human Resources II - this time,it’s personell’
All this Cosmic Peek-a-Boo business, geezers with telescopes, “Mines bigger than Yours”, one day normal service will be resumaid.
Well in the new old days, if you get my meaning, Captain James T. Kirk and his faithful lickarse Mister Spock, did their best to keep the peace in the known universe at that time in the 1960’s, and in true old American style the moral got through and there was always a happy ending, oh if the world were just like that. They can preach all the morals they like now and they just go in one ear and out the other because nobody has any morals anymore, it’s everyone for themselves and to hell with the begrudgers as for as I can see.
No matter how hard the crew of the Enterprise worked at solving the problems there was always another big problem coming up the next week, God they never seemed to get a break.
One thing about that old series, the Enterprise’ was a beautiful looking spaceship, not like the heaps of crap they have in the films today, floating scrap metal yards, they’ll never get to the exoplanets in the likes of them, far too much drag there, give me the sleek elegant silver rockets every time, like the one old Flash Gordon had, our Flash wouldn’t be seen dead in the one below,
http://i736.photobucket.com/albums/xx4/jemflux/5c959b8f1fd20e8a273793f0e3548f6e.jpg
well what about red dwarf - pretty good series IMO?
I often catch a small piece of some religious show in the wee hrs of the morn – and they are all basically saying the same thing which is “ believe me I have the truth and it comes from the bible – my version.”
Done a bit of bible studies meself over the years and it would seem that ranging from the old to the new testament we have countless tales of horror and gore – of sexual perversions – remember the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were every perversion and vice existed? And now we see a resurgence of the same in the 21st century.
SO? – I don’t get it – this amazing God created us “let us create man in our own image” he said – well he got that one wrong a bit or he’s is and always has been a defective God?
Then places us here on the only known habituated globe in the whole universe and then said “well get on with it then”
And we’ve been feckin it up ever since and apparently can only redeem ourselves through the blood which absolves all our sins – give me a few pints of that Jimmy!
All I see is a constant tug of war between the bad guys and the good guys and that’s it. And oh by the way we are dropping our shit everywhere on the planet and not cleaning up too well. I hear they now have a plastics problem in the small villages of the Himalayas for Gods sake – well is it for his sake ?
I
’m fecked if I know!
Very interesting Gumbud, I have read the bible a few times, and as you say everything is there, it would have been an excellent reference book on the early history of mankind had it not been “Got at” by church and political leaders over the centuries, the bibles we have today are a far cry from the original writings. Every nation, clan, and tribe in the world believes we had some intervention from beings in the heavens, maybe there were some laws laid down on behaviour for mankind and they became twisted to suit the greed of those holding power.
What we need is harmony, but greed rules that out, you sing high and someone else sings higher, greed is built into our nature, sad but true.
Take one harmonous life form on this planet, for example bees, A natural born leader is born to each colony, the Queen, easy recognisable, as are the Drones and workers, they are all happy with their lot and every thing works fine for them with this system of living together, you don’t get one greedy bee trying to stash away all the honey for himself do you?
Now who would like to be Queen?
too right Jembo, it’s best to stick to your “Own World”, and don’t allow any greed in.
heh you callin me a queen??
yes! Yes,he is-we all heard’im! [FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!]
However…away from that and continuing the thread;it’s been postulated that The Devil Wears Prada. So,no sackcloth and ashes,hmm?
So,even once you pass through the gates of Hades,one-upmanship is in evidence.
But the REAL problem [cop this’un Jem!] will be if Satan starts sporting a syrup.
I reckon there’ll be Hell Toupee’!!!