when I was a young sprog in me teens and lived in the old country I would need to get up at 6ish to do a ‘paper round’ - we only had a coal fire in those days which had long gone out by 6. must have been tough in those days girding me loins getting on me push bike then around to the newsagents which we actually called paper shop not deli - stood in the freezing cold shop waiting for ‘our delivery pack’ and then out in the snow and ice deliverying papers for a few pence - they don’t make em that tough anymore!:shock:
I’ve been pondering the attraction of uttering foul language, so common these days. I don’t often swear myself but I have been practising on my own in the shed down the garden.
I have up until now been rather holier than thou, putting chronic users of swear words in the “lack of vocabulary “ bracket.
HMMMMM
Consider the F word. Be aware of how it is formed in the front of the mouth. The upper teeth clench the lower lips and in an explosion of force, the upper lips form a vessel to assist the release of the F followed quickly by an ugly but powerful UCk.
The C word, reminds me of a rep I knew at Grace Brothers (aka JLP), who revelled in the name Dick Hunt. Just try to say that after a few WINE GUMS
I never know what’s gonna pop into my head next do I. Innit
Yes it takes some practice to do justice to the F word and give it maximum effect, otherwise there is no point in using it just for the sake of using it.
The popping of thoughts into the head is a very important process in the advancement of mankind RJ so pop away, it’s only natural. Just think of all the gadgets and machines we would not have today if we didn’t have thoughts popping into clever heads.
My take on this is that many are called but few are chosen, the chosen ones have thoughts or dreams sent to them direct by cosmic beam from he who maketh all, the great engineer up in the sky. If one happens to be in the company of a chosen one when the signal arrives you will see his face smile, light up and an aura will form around his head, just like Moses when he descended from the mountain with the ten bits of bad news, a truly wonderful sight as I had the privilege to witness when my eldest brother smoked his first joint.;-)
owh you are areful -[slaps RJ left shoulder] but I do love you!!
My take on this is that many are called but few are chosen, the chosen ones have thoughts or dreams sent to them direct by cosmic beam from he who maketh all, the great engineer up in the sky. If one happens to be in the company of a chosen one when the signal arrives you will see his face smile, light up and an aura will form around his head, just like Moses when he descended from the mountain with the ten bits of bad news, a truly wonderful sight as I had the privilege to witness when my eldest brother smoked his first joint
I like your take on life Jem - very prophetic - have you ever thought of getting a long shaft??:shock:
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his predicament.
A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup… We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A spiffing good read today fellow fifth columnists, riff raff & hoi poloi.
bona to vada your dolly old eek’
Vada the dolly dish, shame about his bijou lallies
Can I troll round your lally?
you can troll around my lally anytime duckie!
It’s a long time since I heard the toffee apple joke Gumbud, but it still makes me laugh, it has permanence as they say.
I was watching an old western film earlier on, Lee Marvin was in a gang of outlaws who had just robbed a bank, the gang leader wanted to head into the mountains to lie low for a bit but Marvin knew that hostile Indians were already there and would kill anyone who ventured into their land. He made a remark to the gang leader “You can count me out, I don’t wanna die rich” Priceless I thought.
It made me think, I don’t wanna die rich either so I tuned to the wife and said “Phyllis, I don’t wanna die rich, that’s worse than dying poor, do you want all me money now or will you wait until you get it?”
“That’s not a bad idea Jem, there’s a great sale on at Debenhams”
And I thought she loved me.
She DOES,Jem…think how miffed you’d feel had she said “I need to pop to Aldi’s”!!! [other cut-price shops are available]
Or,even worse…imagine getting a full refund from Odour Eaters,with an apology saying “Sorry squire-you’re beyond our help”.
See? It could’ve been MUCH worse!..
Don’t know what odour eaters are Pug me lad, are they related to Dinosaurs?
I got immaculate feet to go with me immaculate lily white legs, I’m in the wrong business I should have been a Spanish dancer, got the little bum and all for it.
I did apply to join Mensa but no luck, although they were very kind and generous about the whole thing, they sent me a free ticket to Lourdes with a note attached “We have decided that only a miracle could fix a brain like yours”;-)
Trade Trade Trade, it’s all the news is about nowadays, mind you, there was some newsworthy Trade story’s back in the 70s. Do the Scribblers remember when we broke the trade embargo, and sent Russia 10 container loads of Playtex Bra’s in exchange for 100 Moskvitch Cars, if I remember right, the incident was called a “Tit for Tat” arrangement.
I recall that as a child I possessed a level of intelligence way ahead of my years. I was aware from an early age that my parents had a strained relationship and sensed that I was at the bottom of it.
My suspicions began when I overheard my dad begging for sex one day and my mother rejecting him by showing him a picture of me.
This was reinforced when they took me to a giant supermarket - and gave me the slip in one of the crowded aisles. I recall asking an assistant to help me find my parents. He said it might be difficult - there were so many places they could hide there.
I think I can trace my lack of self-confidence to when I was a babe in arms. I recall my mother getting off a bus one day with me on her one arm and the folding push chair in the other. A kind gentleman standing on the pavement saw her struggling to erect the push chair and offered to hold her monkey for her whilst she did it… She laughed!
I remember as a kid that if there was an illness going round - I was going to get it. When I had mumps, my dad was such a loving father it was too painful for him to watch me suffer - so he moved out of the house and stayed with my grandparents until I was better.
I was one of the unfortunate few who had to have his tonsils out - that was so sore - and no amount of ice cream afterwards could ease the pain - wink wink!
Mind you it wasn’t as bad as being circumcised as a tiny baby - that was terrible – I was a year old before I could walk.
I was always in trouble - in those days you were just a naughty child - today you are the victim of some disorder with an acronym as a title which makes it sound worse.
I recall going to school one Monday with a black eye. The teacher asked me what happened and I told her that I had gone to church the previous day and there was a big lady in the pew in front of me.
Every time she got up from kneeling down to pray I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her anatomy - so I pulled it out - and she turned round and wacked me. The following Monday I turned up at school with two black eyes. I explained to the teacher that this time I had gone to church with my brother and the same lady was in front of us. Like me, my brother noticed her skirt tucked in her anatomy and pulled it out. However, I had found out the hard way the previous week that she liked it there - so I pushed it back in with my finger.
However I eventually grew up, left school, started work and as a young man enjoyed considerable success with numerous ladies.
It all came to a shuddering halt when one day I received a letter from an irate husband threatening to kill me if I didn’t leave his wife alone. The rotter had not signed the letter.
Hence I gave up my life of pleasure and got married, had kids and watched them go through a similar routine to my childhood experiences. I am aware that our marriage has its ups and downs and as we get older sex is less important - in fact we only indulge occasionally and usually for a purpose. Last night my wife asked me to make love to her in the kitchen. I assumed she wanted to indulge in something kinky to spice up our relationship - but it turned out she needed to time a boiled egg.
My wife has become concerned about my recent mood swings and has suggested a more tranquil activity to fill my time. She has been kind enough to enrol me in a bridge club - I am scheduled to jump off next week…….
I recall nothing, pre Glam Rock.
I enjoyed that read and the laugh Gumbud, just the tonic I needed, I caught me death of cold the other night when I got drenched in a sudden shower, but I’ll say no more about it, you all know that I prefer to suffer in silence.;-)
Come to think of it, I wasn’t exactly the white haired boy meself, I knew I had a big head but mother didn’t make me feel any better when she asked me to go to the shop and get her a stone of potatoes in me cap,
I had big ears too and on Sunday mornings she used to tie a bit of flex onto me ankle and ask me to stick me head out the window to see if I could pick up the Light Program on BBC Radio.
I used to be slagged in school about being cross eyed but she’d console me when I got home saying “They’re not turned eyes you have Jem, those are loving eyes, that’s why they can’t stop looking at each other”
“Im On the dole, I’m on the dole,
It’s enough to break a poor fella’s heart and soul
By the time we pay the rent man, the grub, the gas, the coal
Sure there isn’t much left over when you’re signing on the dole”
Part of an old song I faintly remember from the early 1980’s. There was a ballad group who used to sing it in my local back then when unemployment was at it’s height here, it always went down very well with the audience, any of you folks know the whole song? The group have long split up and I can’t remember the name they went under, maybe they wrote the song themselves, anyway it’s just a shot in the dark.
Jem, I googled it, try it
Chorus
On the (C)dole, on the dole, on the (G)dole, on the dole
It’s enough to break a poor fella’s heart and (D)soul
By the (G)time we pay the rent ma’am, the (C)grub, the gas, the coal
Sure there (G)isn’t much left over when you’re (D)signing on the (G)dole
RJ
Thanks a million RJ, I thought it was just a makie up song by the group and wouldn’t be googlable. There are a couple of new versions on it there, Seamus Moore’s version is the one I knew, brought back a lot of happy memories to Phyllis and me during tough times.
Phyllis sends her thanks too.
Glad to help, I struck gold at the first attempt.
My dear old dad used to sing an old song to us kids.
It starts off with
“There was a farmer who had an old sow” Then came unexpectedly
A snort
A raspberry
A Whistle
Then
“Srings a ringsa roo, susannahs a funny old sow”
repeat sounds
I forgot it until recently when amusing the grandaughters . It just popped into my head, kids loved it & commented one “grandad I didnt knoow you can sing”
I GOOGLED & got this
THE OLD SOW
Albert Richardson - 1928
There was an old farmer he had an old sow.
Snort ow raspberry ow whistle ide-illy-dow
Suzanna’s a funniful man
Snort an raspberry an whistle ide-illy-dan
Sing lassie go-rings re-low
Suzanna’s a funniful man
Snort an raspberry an whistle ide-illy-dan
Suzanna’s a funniful man.
Now, this old sow she some little pigs.
Snort igs raspberry igs whistle ide-illy-digs, etc.
Now, these little pigs they muddled them up.
Snort up raspberry up whistle ide-illy-dup, etc.
Now, these little pigs they had to have straw.
Snort aw raspberry aw whistle ide-illy-daw, etc.
Now, these little pigs they had some curly tails
Snort ails raspberry ail whistle ide-illy-dails, etc.
Now, these little pigs they had to be stuffed
Snort uff raspberry uff whistle ide-illy-duff, etc.
Now, these little pigs they made a bit of bacon
Snort aton raspberry aton whistle ide-illy-daton, etc.
Now, these little pigs they made a bit of ham.
Snort am raspberry am whistle ide-illy-ham, etc.