Ah,I have one for yer jest-fest,Jemstone…
I’ve been measuring fat people for new trousers,today.
I haven’t got the business fully running yet-but I’ve made some huge strides!
…or;
Harry Potter should start a boy-band and name it Wand Direction…
geddit? eh?
Ok,try this one…Neil Diamond’s name used to be Neil Coal
. . . until the pressure changed him…
oh,ffs-wossamatta wiv yooz lot,hmm?
Right - last try - - -
Due to the sudden rainfall causing floods and disruption,DFS are selling record numbers of sofas - apparently,they have a sail on…
Sofa, so good.
“Huge strides”
An excellent selection of originals there Pug old mate, I’ll work them into a silly little script, thanks for that help.
They are all regulars and easily pleased, they know me well so I get away with murder, usually I’m a bit nervous, but once I get a few into me I’m away in a hack. They have a little square platform at the end of a long table for whoever is singing, tap dancing, reciting poems or whatever, actually it’s not one table, it’s several tables pulled together. They also play music for dancing to later on.
The management provide the grub and the drink every year, lifts home are provided too, either by private car or taxi, a nice gesture as not many do this type of thing for pensioners anymore over here, as one very old lady said to me recently “The nature is leaving the people” I have to say I agree with her.
one for RJ in the mode of Uncle Vivian!
[B]My father came from North Derbyshire and they don’t call it constipation there - it’s costive. My father found that cheese made him costive
At a big family do to celebrate my great grandmothers 90th birthday I disgraced myself. My great grandmother came round the party with a plate of cheese nibbles. She offered me some and I was told a few years later by my parents, who were in fits of laughter, that I replied “No thank you great grandmother - it makes me cock stiff”
[/B]
how about this one?
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the social world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied,
“Mum, I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain …
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties -
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied:
“My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
But down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same –
She stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit –
But now he was wearing a black condom…
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied,
“I want to offer my deepest condolences”…
See,Jemstone? We’re all givin’ it max thinkability,here,so YOU can fall between the tables with a merry quip left in place to keep your orjunce laughing until your return…so,wiv that in mind…
Should Snoopy annuals carry a health warning…ie…‘may contain peanuts’…
Y’know that Particle Collider? I can’t think about it without getting a Hadron!
I have a sarcastic washing machine-it takes the piss out of my undies!
I bought Mrs Jemstone a fridge last Xmas-she loved it-when she opened it,her face lit up!
And as for that new ‘ABBA’ toilet…WHAT a loo!
Ai thenkyoh…[psst-play me off while theyre’ still asleep…quick!]
SEE? They ol’ folks’ll never forget you,Jemstone
You’ll be in the annals of comedic history,bruv…just like my Welsh mate,Dai Laffin!
Talking about loo’s there Pug, I recently had a toilet installed in my shed/workshop, saves me going all the way down the garden to the house in emergencies, I have a hand-painted sign above the door “Leisurely Dribbles”
Everything went well at the do today, thanks for your help lads.
I was talking to an old lad today and he was on about old Indian sayings so I looked up a few, very interesting but I don’t always understand them, like the Fox and the Rabbit in this lot.
Every animal knows more than you do. -Nez Perce
To touch the earth is to have harmony with nature. -Oglala Sioux
When a fox walks lame, the old rabbit jumps. -Oklahoma
A starving man will eat with the wolf. -Oklahoma
A danger foreseen is half-avoided. -Cheyenne
The coward shoots with shut eyes. -Oklahoma
It is easy to be brave from a distance. -Omah
I looked through my family history to try to find some family sayings or mottos, Here are a few from the McJem Clan.;-)
"Follow not those who know not where they are going” One of my ancient ancestors quoted this when Columbus asked him to sign on as a crewman back in 1492.
“Never swallow anything with hair on it” (My Granny, the best cook I ever knew)
“Don’t be afraid to go out in the dark, some Vampires may be gummy” (Our family dentist)
"The Eagle is quick but he can never outrun you” (Cousin Colin the coward)
"You don’t need a hammer to break a heart” (Rudolf McJem, the ladies man in the family)
“If you have skeletons in the closet you may as well make them dance” (Aunt Mary, the author, who picked all the juicy family scandals for her novels.
You all know that old song “I Wonder”
“I wonder how each mother knows
What baby tries to say
Why little children learn to walk
And someday walk away”
Well there’s a chap who sings this every year as his party piece, he’s not a bad singer as pub singing goes, but he tries to sing it in an operatic voice and when he comes to the bit above about the little children it always makes me titter, it comes out like “Why lee-tal children learn to walk” Lethal children? God forgive him, you’d think he was singing about the kids in the Village of the Damned.
Sad to hear Walter Swinburn has died aged 55, Son of great Australian jockey Wally Swinburn Walter is probably best known to non racing fans for his win on the ill fated ‘Shergar’ in the 1981 Derby, he was nick named ‘The Altar Boy’ on account of his boyish looks, thank’s for all the thrills and rest in peace Walter.
Life goes on. There was an an old 1960’s film on Talking Pictures last night, forget the name of it, one of those crap romantic things, anyway I was on the computer and wasn’t minding it but the wife was dug into it. Then I heard something that made me laugh out loud, I’m easily amused when I have a few ports down me, the hero asks the pretty girl he meets in a pub if she’s married, she says she’s divorced, “Well you don’t look it” says he ever so seriously. Am I going mad or what? how can you LOOK divorced? How did they get away with scripts like that back in the 60’s?;-)
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?”
The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”
“OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.
Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.”
“Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”
Love it Gumbud, strange how I never heard that one before, me being Irish an all, pity you hadn’t mentioned that one before the do in the local, the parish priest was sitting next to me and he would have enjoyed hearing that one.
Just a thought, funny how the prods and the cats got on great together in Dublin, never any bother whatsoever. We had a Mr. McCann and his wife living next door to me granny’s house, his missus was a real lady and a terrific cook and he was one of the jolliest men I ever knew, I think he was a civil servant, they had no children but he used to take a pint with an uncle of mine and on Saturday nights the pair of them and a few others would come back from the pub with a ‘carry out’, in those days that was six bottles of beer in a brown paper bag under each arm. anyway they would all have a sing song much to the granny’s delight and old McCann would be showing the older brother and me card tricks and telling us jokes, It wasn’t until he died in 1962 and the service for him was held in the local protestant church that I knew he was a left footer, God rest his happy soul.
There was a very interesting program recently on BBC4 presented by Ian Hislop, all about the founding of the boy scout movement, the title of the program was the same as the title of Baden Powell’s best selling book “Scouting for Boys” I make no comment on that, just to say that after watching the whole program I think Powell was a bit of an all around nut case, daft as a brush, his life story would make a good film, plenty of humour there, he was fond of telling a joke or two, I wonder who they could get to play the lead role, they would have to have the right legs to be wearing shorts for the best part of the film, any suggestions lads?
I didn’t join the scouts here, I got as far as being a ‘Cub’, I had to leave after a few weeks as we couldn’t afford the whole uniform, all I had was the skull cap and a little brown woggle.
Baden Powell told all his boy scouts
To keep busy and never be louts
But there was a bit of a rumpus, when he lost his compass
Now he can’t find his own whereabouts.
Jem, you’ve just gotta stop it, there is no need for a Compass on the Campus.
The thing about ol’ Baden Powell
is,he didn’t fall down and call ‘Foul’.
When kids fell apart,
he took them to heart
and taught them the ‘Arkala’ howl.
He taught children from near and far,
that it matters not what class you are.
BP taught them first-aid,
and although they weren’t paid,
all those kids could give real CPR!
Hi Scribs, the Post Office is on strike today, will my Telephone stop working?
Nice one Pug.
Only land lines are affected Spitty.
“Be Prepared” was the old scouts motto, our old greengrocer used to sell pre pared turnips, the rough bits were pared off before they were weighed and sold by the pound, I like the baby turnips, hate the stringy type, come to think of it I used to have turnups at the end of me trousers years ago.
You don’t hear the word ‘pare’ anymore, have we stopped paring things? Whenever I had my haircut as a boy the granny would comment “I see you had your mallet pared Jimmy” The ad tells us to “Go compare” yet nothing is pared, pencils used to be pared now the come prepared like skinny scouts.
A chap was in a Spanish restaurant one day, suddenly the kitchen doors are flung open and a band appears accompanying the waiter who was bearing a large silver dish with dome cover. There is great ceremony around the customers table and a great flourish as the dome is removed revealing two large spherical objects steaming in a delicious rich sauce.
The chap called the waiter over and asked what all the fuss was about, to be told that each week after the bullfight, the bulls balls are marinated in a secret recipe and served in a unique sauce as a renowned local delicacy. The chap asked if he could order the Same but was disappointed to find that he had to be put on a waiting list for a meal some months in the future.
He was eventually summoned to the restaurant when his turn came round and attended with some special friends who he was treating. In great anticipation they watched the kitchen door burst open, the band and waiter attended the table and the dome was removed with a great flourish.
To his amazement, on the dish were two small spheres floating in the sauce. He complained to the waiter that the previous meals he had witnessed comprised two large balls, why small ones for him.
The waiter replied - “but Senor, the bull sometimes wins”.
Your on top form Gumbud.
While I was rolling newspapers to light the fire today an ad caught my eye, funny how a paper can be lying there all day and only when you begin to discard it you notice something and start to read it, reminded me of the times in the granny’s outside toilet at the end of the garden, you would pull a sheet of paper from the stack hanging on a string to wipe your backside and an article would catch your eye, it was most annoying when you couldn’t finish it because the end bit was probably flushed away.
This is the part of the ad that I was interested in.
“Skin elasticity is the skin’s ability to stretch and then go back to normal once the need to stretch is gone [source: Columbia University]. Along with wrinkles and gray hair, reduced skin elasticity is a fact of aging for most people. The condition is known as elastosis and can be especially easy to see in parts of the body that have been most exposed to the sun. In fact, elastosis is seen most noticeably in people who spend most of their time outdoors; it can cause a leathery, weather-beaten appearance” [source: Dugdale]
So no more lying out in the sun for me come the summer, don’t want to lose me elasticity, I love putting a bit of bread on me arm, pulling back the skin, and flicking it at the dog when he’s asleep ;-), besides who wants to be a leathery weather beaten old git.;-)