Go on outa that Pug, your still madly in love with her, she’s the light of your life.;-)
Here’s a few simple tips next time you need a master craftsmen to fix your household appliances.
The things we take for granted are always breaking down
The boilers, cookers, and washing machines can leave you with a frown
You can pay to have them fixed, when out a man will come
And you can watch him work all day while he’s sitting on his bum
Feed him cups of tea galore in a very pleasant manner
It helps to give him strength, so he can lift his spanner
Have a towel handy to wipe the sweat from his brow
Then walk slowly backwards, not forgetting to bow
When finally the job is done and it comes the time to pay
Cough up all he asks for and tell him to have a nice day.
Keep that smile upon your face though your mouth is filled with foam
Only when he’s gone and far away, can you curse till the cows come home.
This is Uncle Dave in Africa, he travelled all the way there from Ballyfarout in Donegal, he was looking for a pair of crocodile shoes, he was very disappointed when he got there and discovered that crocodiles don’t wear shoes. http://i736.photobucket.com/albums/xx4/jemflux/images.jpeg
Hi Jem
Funny you should mention uncle Dave because I was today enjoying researching my uncle Vivian. I do believe it was you that pointed out to that he was a member of the Munchausen branch of my family and in his prime wrangled with uncle Dave, aforementioned.
He is recorded as having having photographed an incredibly rare ALBINO cayman/alligator one ton male specimen. Stumbling unwittingly across this fearful vision uncle Vivian failed to save his guide & photographer, swallowed in one terrible gulp.
The animal belched up the Kodak Brownie camera, but the film was spoilt, shame…It wasn’t the first time Brigadier Sir Vivian Van der Sloot (DSO Hons) guide had been lost in this way. The very next time my uncle travelled up the Orinoco the Kreenakrori & Yanonami tribes fought over who should eat him. I think it was the first tribe mentioned. Late missionaries claimed that when he was being roasted on a spit he remarked “Turn me over I am done this side” (as St Lawrence the martyr) before expiring .
Witty to the last, what a guy, but thats not the end of my yarn
His old friend & fellow traveller, the water colorist Margaret Mee had just located the legendary Moonflower. This was her lifetimes work because this exotic flower only bloomed once in a hundred years & only when the moon was full. Pondering on her options Margaret decided to escape & save her paintings of the moonflower***
Anyway, Margaret slipped quietly away, returning to her country cottage, only to be knocked down by a number 9 bus, fatally.
*** Not to be confused with the common morning glory (Ipomae Alba) an inferior though lovely in its own right , plant…
Excellent recollection RJ, it always gladdens me heart to hear the adventures of your dear Uncle Vivian, they don’t make em like him anymore. Thanks for that lovely tale.
I am short of ideas after having to recall Uncle Vivian’s crimes against society, I have run out of ideas for my next project.
My fellow residents in this old peoples home are not totally gaga & having experienced my inventive writings formed a committee to persuade me to write & devise a PANTOMIME.
Well, anyway humour is not an easy thing to convey.
SO…
Can you? Will you? help me write something amusing to have them rolling in the aisles
All contributions gratefully received.
THankyou chums.
It has been decided to make the PANTOMIME based around the idea that, bugger Cinderella & the like
“Old age is no place for SISSIES”
got it?
good
Chums, I haven’t been so excited about anything since I held auditions for the back half of a pantomime horse.
I received so many rude messages that I gave up advertising the position, sadly because the profits were going to the Princess Royal Retirement Home for Ponies Under Going Stress
As you are well aware I’m extremely interested in Black holes and I’m always trying to find out more about them, I came across this little gem in my search recently and copied it. Interesting that they can “puke” when they eat something that doesn’t agree with them, we must be poison on this planet, they haven’t eaten us yet. What happens if they starve to death? How do you bury a Black Hole?
“Some black holes are extremely massive, and that’s to be expected, because they ingest anything that gets in their way.
At two billion solar masses, ULAS J1120+0641 was a huge surprise for astronomers—not necessarily due to its magnitude, but due to its age. ULAS is the oldest quasar (basically a black hole puking into space) ever found. It appeared less than 800 million years after the Big Bang. That’s absolutely ancient, and it means that the light from this distant quasar had been on a 12.9-billion-year intergalactic voyage before it arrived here on Earth. No one’s sure why the black hole is so big, since there wasn’t much of anything for it to eat that long ago”
during my illustrious career with the NHS I encountered a full range of black holes [not a pretty site] but I never felt the urge to be sucked into one - patted a few and powdered them and turned them into grey mist!
Yes I would imagine you could come across some quare things in the NHS Gumbud, sooner you than me, I wouldn’t have the stomach for it to be honest with you, I can’t stand the sight of blood, especially me own.
“Old age is no place for Sissies” This would suggest to me only the Rambo types survive RJ, you can buy strap on muscles on Amazon, they also supply cave man clubs, machetes, plastic kalashnikov rifles, and bomb proof pension books. The ladies would have to be tough old birds too, it’s not easy surviving in the pensioners jungle, no makeup, they would have to smear their faces with tiger shit going out at night to meet Bazooka Joe.;-)
On the level, Gumbud has the right idea RJ, something energetic and lively would fit the bill, plenty of fish net tights, bright red lipstick, patient leather handbags, flowery hats, and that’s just for the men.
I know you will come up with a winner anyway, what do they say “Go break a leg”.
There was a big power cut all over this area last night, there we were in the middle of “Pointless” when suddenly we were draped in darkness, good job I had some candles about, I stuck fork handles all around the living room using a lump hammer to ground them, what a mess.
It was off from 5.30 pm till 8 pm. Just shows you how dependant we’ve become on all things electric, God help us all when the big bang comes and everything goes out everywhere.
I’m trying to upload an old photo from photobucket and it won’t copy it, I’ve just been told that if I try it on another browser it might work, if it does I’ll post it later when I get back from the pub.
Strange,that,Jem;we too had a power-cut last night,at exactly the same time.
I’ve since realised that light arriving here from the aforementioned ‘black hole’ is causing power-surges…and when one couples that to the ‘Silver is the new Blonde’ forthcoming panto,which will be a huge hit [ohh,yes it will!] and then add in the brain-stunning sight of granny gumbud doing the nipple-tassel-twirl,during the opening sequence of ‘The Chase’…well,it’s truly amazing the EU has allowed Christmas to be celebrated by we working-class scum. [by ‘working-class’,I obviously don’t include you,Jemstone]
[btw…just as a downer,coz I’d rather be buggered by a horse than see yooz lot happy - although photons have no mass,light,by definition of being powered by gravity, CANNOT escape the ‘event horizon’ of a super-gravitational curved-space gravity-well…m’kay?
BUT - let that not spoil your fevered anticipation of the Christmas panto known as ‘Granny Does Grimsby’…ON ICE!!! [phwooooooaaaahhh!]
Yeh just can’t beat the old gravitational pull can yeh Pug, my missus had oodles of it when she was a teenager, she pulled on the strings of my heart and dragged me off to the heavens, I’ve been there ever since…spaced out in love.
I do wish she could read that flattering compliment, if she did I’d be on the pigs back all through 2017, lick, lick. I don’t do romantic stuff, but I always get sentimental around this time of year, it’s the memory of that old Christmas card, thank you Jim Reeves and Arthur Guinness.
“Grey is the new Blonde” great title Pug, and for the really oldies how about “Withering Frights” imagine the scene, Inheat Cliff and Scatty hobbling towards each other with outstreached arms “Inheat!” “Scatty!” “Inheat!” “Scatty!” then the pair of them collapse on the hillside… dead, but together forever…THE END.
Rj. Why not get Auntie Mary on stage, and shove a Canary up the leg of her drawers, then you could insert a Ferret down Uncle Jocks Long Johns, then hit them with the classic “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a Penny, because I live near the Seaside”.
