A Scotsman took 2 scruffy stuffed dogs onto Floggit.
The Expert looked at them and was amazed, these are very rare specimens he said.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in better condition?
Aye said the Scotsman,
Sticks.
My grandad used to say “As one door closes, another one opens”… lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to promise a brighter future the rest to screw it up.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret?”
Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night: day.
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer…
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’Shea.
Don’t you just hate it when you think you’re buying organic vegetables but when you get home you’ve actually just bought regular doughnuts?
A lorry full of stolen wigs crashed on the motorway the police are still combing the area looking for the thieves.
If your spanners keep disappearing when working under the bonnet of your car, you probably have a tool eater engine.
Don’t want to boast but I’ve just finished a 7 day diet in 3 hours 27 minutes.
I’ve always believed that ironing boards wanted to be surf boards but stopped pursuing their dreams to get a stable job.
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
Move your vowels every day or you’ll get consonated.
I have a donor card, in fact I haven’t signed it so that someone can use it again after I’m go
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
Avoid clich!s like the plague
Don’t take the mick out of stroke victims, one day you could be laughing on the other side of your face.
I bought a charity scratchcard today, in aid of the eczema society.
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
Once you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
I WAS A VERY UNPOPULAR CHILD. I HAD ONLY TWO FRIENDS. THEY WERE IMAGINARY.
AND THEY WOULD ONLY PLAY WITH EACH OTHER
Of course I want it today, if I wanted it tomorrow, I’d ask for it tomorrow.
