well well never realized you had such a wicked mind RJ! would taking her on a no9 bus and then letting her fall off be more considerate - spell in hospital and then an OPH would be good?
that’s just what I need must investigate perhaps I could share the energy?
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The Banana Watch (mark 1)
Forget about the limited functions of the Apple watch this Christmas.
Introducing the brand new “Banana Watch” not seen on TV and only from Jem’s Jewels
Let me just list a few of the amazing features of the Banana watch.
(1) Powered by the electricity of your own body so it never stops or needs batteries (Barring you don’t drop dead, but then you wouldn’t need it)
(2) Tells the time/date/weather/ racing results when you ask it by voice recognition.
(3) Tells your body temperature, heart rate, and how many calories you have consumed in the last 24 hours.
(4) Three sharp bleeps warns of ‘surprise visits’ from unwanted relatives.
(5) If in a strange town it tells you where the best pub is located.
(6) Wakes you up with a loud shrill anytime you want to, just state wakeup time before you take your afternoon nap.
(7) Comes with 100 tiny electrically charged paper stickers to attach to items like keys, specs, pipe, wife, dog etc., so it will find them for you when you need them.
(8) When in a strange eatery, a tiny green light flashes just after you have swallowed the first morsel of food to indicate that it’s safe to eat. (food poisoning is on the increase)
(9) A tiny red light flashes if it detects unpleasant body odour, (there is a lot of this in the pubs now, especially with the heat on full blast in this weather, whereas the smoking used to mask all that) just ask the watch is it close to you or is it you, if it’s you it politely tells you to go home and have a shower.
(10) A tiny amber light flashes if a fart is on it’s way, giving you plenty of time to head for the toilet.
(11) Can send a microwave beam to the wife’s vocal cords to shut her up at will.
Excellent watch and great value at 150 euros plus vat.
Sorry lads, it is my painful duty to inform you that all the banana watches are gone, and once they’re gone they’re gone, yes we have no bananas today, sold the last one to a vicar from Carlow this morning.
Dispair not, I have already ordered a large quantity of the improved ‘Mark 2’ version for next Christmas so get in early.
Ok Jem, Ill keep my Eyes Peeled.
Thank you Spitty, I always knew you were a good skin.
I think the orange Mk III is also a good all arounder! and comes with the anti blush feature
I agree the Orange MKIII has some very fine features Gummy, but the led signal lights are inclined to fail, indeed some poor unfortunate chaps have been known to shit themselves in public when the amber fart light failed, another owner of a MKIII told me the bleeper failed and he was stuck with unwanted relatives for a whole week, couldn’t get shut of them.:shock:
Bananas, and now Oranges, if I was cynical, I would make a connection to Fruitiness.
don’t you mean if you were cylindrical??
That would never happen, don’t “Cylindrical” end up on YouTube?
my tube excuse ME! I don’t want to discuss MY tube in a pubic bar if you don’t mind - I suggest you get back to concrete drilling with your cylindrical drill!
My Uncle Joe was a cylindrical man all his life, long and straight from his toes to the jet black hair on his head, he stayed that way until he died at the ripe old age of 91, no bending over with the stoop for him.
A great nature lover, he worked like a bee, ate like a horse and drank like a fish, never took any pills or portions and never had a cold in his life nor did I ever hear him complain of any pains or aches as long as I knew him.
Lester Piggott is another cylindrical man, unusual for a jockey, must be something good health wise about cylindrical folks that never lose their shape, take the Ethiopian race for example, they are nearly all tall and cylindrical and they live to be great ages.
Uncle Joe had a beautiful smile on his face in the coffin and he only looked about 50.
My girlfriend was cylindrical for a long time, then when we married she filled out.
That reminds me I’ll have to get the oxygen cylinder for me heavy blowtorch changed before I reopen the shed come the spring, I’m bored stiff hanging about the house like a Christmas chain.
Well,I hate Stannah stair-lifts.
They really do drive me up the wall!
are you talkin about the straight perpendicular type OR the curly whirly ones that curl down the curly whirly wall?
Ah Pug me oul mucker, how are you doing, I thought you got lost in the snow over there.
Forget about the stannah stair lift, we all know that there are only three steps to heaven.
I’m talking about the upright true cylinder Gummy like the ones that used to be in the old church organs, straight and unbending, organ cylinders that marched many a lucky man’s bride to be up the aisle to the tune of here comes the bride, beautiful organ music, not like the sound of my organs after a few pints.
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Doesn’t LOOK all that cold,Jem-but my poor little fingers were trying to operate the buttons/levers/switches to load three of these machines [the trailer extends to 60 ft] and the icy wind coming across the flat fenland was at minus 7c chill factor! [yes,that IS true-and even now,two days later,with that load delivered and moi safely home,my fingertips are hurting from that cold wet windy sleety CRAPPY fenland]
Oh dear what can I do
We’ve got a blocked loo
The basin’s stuck
With hairs & muck
Then the shower began
To fill with water and
The bath plughole went
For a plumber we’ve sent
Gotta wait for a few days
Have to find new ways
Of using the loo
Showering too
Not a good start
[CENTER][/CENTER]
Hi Jean
Luck is mean
Time to spend
With the U Bend
Lack of services
Is not funny
But, where’s Muck
There’s Money.
[CENTER]The Swingin Thread Arms
[opening hrs 24 mon-sun]
We’re five of a kind
And usually quite blind
To the mayhem erupting all ‘round
But when we arrive
At the Swinging Thread dive
There is no turning back at the pass
You post what you will
And take calmin pill
Cos they may rip you apart at the throat
It’s all up for grabs
Seen strong men weeping and sad
And at times referee is called in
But when dust settles down
And bruised egos abound
It’s time for a guiness of two
And then calmness descends
And we go off to mend
And get ready for another Swingin Thread night!![/CENTER]