ya a new aged man gone to far ahead! "the buttons at the side dear NOT on the feckin screen!!
That’s exactly what I said to myself!
It will soon be time to dust off my Bike.
Yes there are a lot of old geezers trying to “get with it” technology wise these days, but sometimes the “Go ahead” oldies can make fools of themselves and give the young folks a good laugh, but I say good luck to them for making the effort.
The subject of hair has always interested me Spitty, and true I have been on about it many times. Hair and the lack of it have always been big money spinners for shady dealers and out and out conmen, but the money aspect of it doesn’t interest me, it’s the hair itself, there are so many unanswered questions about it, why does it continue to grow after death? why can’t they “farm” hair like they do fish and grass then sell in on in graft on patches to the hairless instead of doing what Elton John did and have them sewn in one by one? why won’t it grow on the palms of your hands? and many more, we know more about Mars than we do about the hair on our own heads. There’s another question, every time you see a Martian he/she is always bald, why is that? Maybe hair is a scarce on Mars as platinum is here and they might invade us for our precious hair, resist my friends and hold on to your hollyhocks at all costs.
Umm…y’see,that’s a very common misunderstanding,Jem.
I mentioned once that I used to be an undertaker. Well,during that time I learned that fingernails and hair don’t actually grow…the host body stops supplying glucose,so it shrivels [or shrinks,if shrivels seems a tad unromantic] thus giving the impression of nails and hair continuing to grow.
Now -[pay attention at the back] - it is actually fairly frequent that we’d arrive at a recently deceased cadaver to find it had a stomping erection…and on occasion,even post-death ejaculate…and this is because the gasses inside the body retain their active micro-organisms and thus,continue to be active even after brain death.
I’m not going into detail,as me ol’ mate gummy is feeling a tad ‘iffy’ having read this far. However,it’s a truth that internal gasses continue to expand,thus expelling fluids and solids through sphincters that would be tight when under ‘brain-control’,but that are now merely loose muscle with no directional nor pressure control…and this includes ejaculate. Ohhh,boy-what a sudden swerve from discussing mobile smartphones,eh chaps? Er - I’ll just go over here…
don’t ya worry yaself too much Pug I did a bit of work in english hospitals once - never Irish or Anglia mind but those fartin cadivers were a thing to behear! and then the faint waft of something in the air!!
See, all this shows there is life after death, for blokes anyway, what happens to Lady Cadavers in Coventry, or anywhere else for that matter?
A handy number that undertaking game Pug, you let people down and you get paid for it.
I’d say you saw some quare things in that business, I heard the dead can fart but the rest is an eye opener to me, thanks for that information.
That made me think of coffins.
There was a chap who came into the jewellery business late in his life, The boss took a chance on hiring him when the place he had worked in for 25 years closed down, he got a job as a polisher in the workshop. His former job was in a coffin makers where he polished brass coffin knobs and fittings, a very dirty job in those days, very dusty, no face masks, bad ventilation, very unhealthy work. He took to polishing jewellery like a duck to water and in the well aired polishing room where extractors were fitted to each polishing motor he was in paradise, he had to be dragged out at 73, wouldn’t hear of retiring.
Why am I telling you this you may well ask, well it just goes to prove that losing a job of many years service is not the end of the world, like yerman it can work to your advantage and even add years to your working life, he went on to live to be 90, very rare for a polisher.
Did you know that in the 1800’s a needle grinder, the chap who used to sit on a stool bent over a pedal powered grinding wheel and puts the points on all types of steel needles, rarely lived to be 40, how times have changed.
you’ve got a point there - very sharps ya are!!
they’ve always been rather discreet about letting off spittie you should know that even after death did ya hear about the great lady who went to heaven and at the pearly gates as she was being interviewed by st paul she let one off - blushed and apologized - " sorry madam said st paul you’ve come to the wrong entrance - around the side please!"
What about female Post Mortal Erections? How does that work.
Don’t bother quoting St Clitheroe.
no no no spittie laddie [good managed to get that last bit of bacon from me molar on the spittie!]
it is much more etheral and mysterious and majestic than that - you’ve heard the song surely well more a hymn of cantarta really - any this is how it’s done - sit down besides the open coffin and sing:
When I am down, and, oh, my soul, so weary
When troubles come, and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
Amen
ps: works everytime guaranteed
If you ever get into a spot of bother while out camping a wee prayer to Pope Pious the tent always helps.
Oh dear Pious, your canonisation was a sensation for the whole nation
Now we’re stuck in a field, cold, wet, and on the brink of starvation
Let your saintly smile cast away the dark rain filled clouds
Hasten thyself oh holy one, lest our clothes become our shrouds
The wife is all drenched and she’s having a fit
Will you use all your influence to get us out of this shit.
Never fails that one. You see the thing with saints is you have to keep them on their toes, hassle them, for once they get that halo the are like elected politicians, they forget they were once human and where they came from. all they can see is a rosy future in front of them.
ah ta be sure te be sure as we say on the other side of a glass of guiness!
and it’s getting wet all over on the inside said the bishops daughter to the sailor!
brings to mind the expressions two sheets, three sheets or four sheets to the wind - you can be two or four with some degree of safety but never three!
Been out on the boards, seems there is a problem, understanding the Time/Work Continuum.
just continum with it you’ll get there!
With all these bars opening on the forum one is spoiled for choice lately, especially for a regular tippler like meself. It made me think back to “The Milkybar Kid”, remember him? To my mind milk and bar never went together, it’s a dairy for your milk and a bar for your booze.
I reckon the Milkybar kids are well into their 50’s by now, who knows one could be a member of this forum, I know there are two actors already here, no names no pack drill.
“Since the Milkybar kid made his debut in 1961, 10 youngsters have taken on the role including Terry Brooks, John Cornelius and Simon Desborough.The three men have since grown up and look worlds away from the kid who yelled “the Milkybars are on me!” in the iconic adverts.
The youngster could often be seen arriving in a Western town and surprising the kids who lived there by handing out the bars of chocolate.
Many will remember the accompanying jingle: "The Milkybar Kid is strong and tough and the only the best is good enough”
Will the real original Milkybar Kid please stand up. There’s 10 of them now, nearly enough to do a Spartacus.
Spitty your young enough to be a Milkybar Kid, is it you? Maybe it’s Pug? me and Gummy are age excused.;-)
mines a guiness bar please!
I never had the Glasses, and would not have indiscriminately given away white chocolate, to potential scumbags, They would have had to earn it.