RJ, if I lived down your neck of the woods, was relatively well to do, with pretentious upper middle class aspiration, and an eye for politics, I would buy a Goldfish and call it Amber Rudd.
I’ve just thought of the ideal cure for wrinkles, and yes folks I’m giving it to you all for free!
Seeing that women can have silicon implants in their breasts, why not implant two well shaped silicon pads into each cheek of the bum, it would stretch the skin on the body and gravity would drag the wrinkles out of the face to facilitate the extra skin needed to fill the silicon pads, simple, you have a lovely smooth face and a well shaped arse all in the one go! No to mention every hard surface you had to sit on would be a joy, everyone’s a winner.
When you have that sorted (and the family can’t keep you off Skype ;-)) concentrate on the spare tyre, give me a few weeks and I’ll have that sorted too. Experts? who needs them, just send your personal body problems on to Gemma and we’ll have you looking like a teenager in no time. ;-)
just hit a little goldmine compliments of the net and youtube - 400 episodes of " Last of the Summer Wine" the series is very expensive to buy in OZ so enjoying trolling through them - quality is not perfect but good - ads interrupt but can be deleted and all in all a joy to watch. Love yorkshire anyway and the laid back lifestyle that used to be!
Gumbud, do you have a Kodi, or similar box there in Oz?
Good heavens chum…are we long lost twins, separated at birth?
In a parallel universe I came across a bloke in Liverpool who claimed that my Aunt Phythian (Vivian’s spouse) was also a relly
Hmmm, Jonathan Swift eat your heart out… Spitty, your alluding to anthropomorphism is more accurate than you think. Ms A Rudd lives with a certain Mr A Sparrow.
Genesis 1.28
God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
Yebbut,Genesis 1.28 DOESN’T mention woodworm!
[who tend not to fly,stroll around hillsides admiring the views,or indulge in freestyle swimming]
…which was JOLLY handy for that Noah chappie. I bet he wasn’t even the TEENSIEST bit miffed…
WOODWORM Pug! Woodworm! (spoken in the style of Dame Edith Evans in the immortal line “A HANDBAG”)
You need to read the non seminary book by Julian Barnes ISBN 9780995400120 (1989)
A History of the World in 10 1/2 .Chapters
The presence of woodworm on the ARK is covered in some depth.
we do have kodis but aren’t they just another version of a stand alone hard drive??
I just noticed that you are a new member Robert Junior, 16 posts already wow!. that’s the way to do it, Welcome to the forum and looking forward to your future posts.There are a few strange characters in this section, may take a while to figure them out, but underneath it all they have hearts of gold.
Why not introduce yourself in the introduction section? :-)
I became estranged from the forum after a major crash of my pc, afterwards finding it impossible to return to my slot, even after pm to admin, I cut the corners & re-registered.
Jem, you seem to be the only one to notice my rising from the void as a phoenix might .
BTW I am now registered as Robert Jnr (not JUNIOR as before) not that it matters.
Back to the plot, thankyou for the welcome & I hope that soon, I too will become a properly strange person complete with a heart of gold. fear I still have a long way to go.
Introduce myself? Pompous & difficult old fart…will that do?
Thanks for sorting that out for me RJ.
From one pompous and difficult old fart to another, a question, Do old farts smell worse than young farts?
The reason I ask is because I have me four year old grandson here in the sun house with me and he’s let off a right nasal bomb. :shock:
And now for something strange.
“You better be wary for I am a fairy
Up at the break of dawn
Oh goodness gracious, me name is Ignatius
Ignatius the Leprechaun” 
(From Charlie McGee’s old song “Ignatius the Leprechaun”)
I noticed your new user name Robert, we let you in through the back door 
Seriously, I guessed you had some computer trouble again and am pleased to see you back with us 
I knew you’d see me alright Mags,Jem.
Luvvit
I went to a shopping mall. Big place,like a mall,and full of shops,so it was.
It had SO many shops,some were up on the next floor.
“Hmm” thought I [for I’m no stranger to deep thought] “I shall ride the elescate…the eslacrato…elsces…sod it,I’ll use the moving staircase”.
BUT…power-cut,as I stood gripping the rail and marvelling as I rose!
TWO BLOODY HOURS,I was stuck on that elescate…escralate…soddit-THING,coz of that power-cut! Luckily I’d got my crayons with me,so I didn’t go hungry…
Pity you hadn’t your guitar with you Pug, you could have given the rest of the shoppers a few bars of “Three Steps to Heaven” ;-)
But we are inclined to take technology for granted these days.
Why did we ever desert clockwork technology? I watched a program all about things clockwork, it went back to the beginning of the clockwork age. there was some very ingenious masterpieces made for the rich and famous back then, practical items and entertainment pieces. i seriously doubt if anyone could make the same pieces today, soon clockwork will disappear forever, like the excellent work of the cooper is just a distant memory to me now.
Could it be we are all too lazy to bother winding up anything anymore, they moan and groan about saving energy, but when some people just lay about all day long saving their own energy no one says a dickie bird.
I have a wrist watch that I wind up every night, plus a mantle clock that needs daily winding, It’s a small labour of love with me, much as I try I cannot wind up the wife.
A spring is almost an eternal thing, wind it up and off it goes for hours. today we have battery operated watches, the batteries need replacing every year and they are usually left into a shop for this, costing you money every time, but we all know the battery business is a multi billion rip off game. Would you object to winding up your computer first thing in the morning? of course you wouldn’t, once you know it will go all day without a hitch, and it will never overheat, have you ever heard of a wind up clock exploding?
There are endless possibilities for the use of clockwork in modern society, all that needs to be done is set up a think tank of tech heads to get cracking on it.
And now for a glass of fine port and a few bars on “The long and winding road” 
Talking of old farts
Now where should I start?
In gath’ring the facts
‘bout these unsociable acts
Now when are farts due?
When your des’per’ate for a poo
The young like the old
Just don’t like to be told.
But In thinking ‘bout this notion
Devoid of emotion
Are you still with me?
Spare me your lip see
My farts smell of roses
And lavender posies
A fart is a Symbol
A wisp, so nimble
It denotes freedom
Ignore others tedium
It’s often explicit
Never ambiguous
Rises like the Spirit
Life extinct previous
excellent stuff Paul
here is another verse
Is farting coarse or common
Or something that is rotten
Coming out your bottom
With odour like a coffin
oh dear, schoolboy humour…