Oh, I’ve been out shopping and what’s more forgot to take my diazepam beforehand. I realised about halfway through the walk. It wasn’t very far - just to my local CO-OP but at least I didn’t have to go far, nor will I starve over the Holidays.
I think it was the stairs leading up to Ward 3 that did me in over Monday and Tuesday, but walking outside is different, a more gentle incline, that is until you find some steps. I had to be careful because my new (new to me, a brown pair of kicker boots I got from a charity shop 3 years ago) had to adjust to the frost somewhat,
Last night I was woken up by a severe pain in both my legs and back. Think the worst pain ever. I tried to raise myself but this took at least 20 minutes. I finally managed to reach the kitchen - which is where I keep my Oramorph. The pain was intense, excruciating I can still feel strong remnants of it all.The Oramorph seemed to do its job because somehow I got back to sleep but I took a lot of it. It reminded me of the pain I got with my first cancer (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) both in its length and intensity.
Then I thought: what if they’ve been treating me for the wrong type of cancer: Non Hodgkins versus Hodgkins…could this really be the solution.
The pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and perhaps they’d been treating me for the wrong type of cancer all along.
Food for thought and it’s put a twist on my day - I was going to see a couple of people but I was so scared (still am) that I don’t think I’m up to it. I don’t think I know what to do - this was no febrile state, nor anything I’d come against my body before.
I’m beginning to think in terms of demons being real because, during those states, nothing else makes sense.
But I’m going ton speak to one of the doctors from Ward 8 who won’t have a clue about what it is. They ask you to rate pain on a 1 out of 10 level and mine was a 10, probably a 4 by now.
Oh Dreamy I am sorry.
Please don’t push yourself too hard.
I thought you were over the worst.
I don’t know about the wrong diagnosis, I can only relate to what happened to my Mum. A different cancer evolved
Cancer is like little seeds, you never know where they will spread.
But you have had tests and scans.
I do hope things improve for you.
I know you are scared.
Just post your feelings, I will always respond. X
I will, Sweetie, it’s just tough; sometimes I think they think I’m the boy who called wolf, but it’s very real and is happening to me. If I knew it was cancer and there was one diagnosis and one treatment I’d be happy.
And a lot of it is tied in with my mental health issues too; I’m not crazy but weird things have been happening aside from pain.
I can imagine that Dreamy.
Near death experiences are common.
But it is the mind playing tricks.
I will be logging on and off as I can.
So I am here for you. X
No I agree Dreamy.
I am just going out to visit my two remaining relatives, who are both in homes.
I will pop back to support you my lovely.
Try to forget those visions. X
Ffosse, am I ever glad you had some medication to relieve your pain! It sounds horrible.
The one thing we are learning about all disease is that the brain, as a physical organ, have their own set of symptoms when you are ill or on certain mediations. You just have to keep reminding yourself that dreams and visions, aren’t real but just your brain - complaining.
You are tougher than you think you are and everyone agrees that this can be a rough time of year. Find the little pleasures in life where you can - like enjoying a good movie and a hot shower in your own place for starters. If your are worrying, try going to youtube and doing a search on your favorite performers with the word “concert” behind it. You will be surprised at how many full concerts can be online and how distracting and uplifting they can be.
Broken sleep and some nightmares but nothing like the worse I have experienced.
I’m trying to think of all the issues I want to ask the Consultant tomorrow - it’s a shame my G.P. appointment is in the afternoon; I would have preferred it the other way.
As I said, this illness has made me feel like I’ve got a demon in me. The symptoms are very similar but not the same as the delirium I had in 2016.
There was the issue last week that went on for 3 days when I couldn’t figure out the day or date. When I got accurate information I soon forgot it in about 3 hours. And the mild hallucinations, swirling patterns at the periphery of my vision, not terrifying but distressing nonetheless.
I’m convinced I’ve been treated for one cancer when the old one has come back. What cancer gives you hallucinations and an extremely sore back and legs taking me 20 minutes to get to the kitchen? I was so glad I had that bottle of oxycodone. The liquid went to work on the pain while also working on the mental health side of things.
I’ve now got an appointment with a Consultant Psychiatrist band another for a Clinical psychiatric nurse. I’d hate my mind to go completely, then I couldn’t do anything at all.
They found 3 lymph node tumours - one in each groin and another deep in my stomach. The need to do a biopsy as soon as possible. Unfortunately my doctor can’t prevent the delirius state I get nor the night terrors until they know what they are dealing with.
I’ve still got my GP to see at 4:30 so I’ll have seen 2 Consultants (one a psychiatrist) a haemotology clinician and my GP in one day.
Feeling pretty crappy - I would just like a long sleep but must stay up. One thing, it makes me care far less about other things.
