I am forever telling the machine to shut up.
Or, “I thought this system was suppose to speed up checkout” when machine says, “Item not Listed”.
“Do you wish to print a receipt”?
“Shut the F**k up”
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Not the self-serve register, but my household appliances that could only be described as “harassers” with their unnecessary bossy pings, dings, and alarms have unfairly filed a grievance against me for being “unkind.”
We’ll just see about that 
.
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Shoosh, keep it down.
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Yikes!! I’d be swiftly escorted out of the supermarket with a request to behave better the next time I shop. They’d also recommend going through the regular check out lane. 
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Never use them after the first & second time I tried, they hate me, I prefer to talk to a human being.
The blood pressure etc machine in the surgery hates me too. I always get a nurse, another human being, though with some, you wonder, as they stick the needle in. 
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That’s exactly what I say when they try to rush me while I put the receipt in my wallet, “Please take your items”… “Please take your items”…
I swear at all machines,they all hate me.
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@Bruce @Psmith When told to “take your items” “Please take your receipt”
I always say “Shut Up” 
Then there is “Have you forgotten to scan an item in your trolley”?
Sometimes there is a personal item in the trolley, the spycam notices.
I have a bit of fun now, constantly leaving a personal item in the trolley. Staff have to come and reset the register.
I am never in a hurry.
No…but I am tempted to rage at one or two places who adopt a special ‘Santa Ho Ho Ho ! ‘ style on their self check outs at this time of year .
Yes-Poundland I mean you!
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That has not happened here in Australia, well, definitely not in Perth. Yet
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Although I’m not a fan of self service checkouts, I’ve started using them more, as the number of manned checkouts, have been scaled down. The one I use in Waitrose is slightly intimidating. “Please put your items in the bag, are you ready to pay?, assistant needed , wrong item scanned, permission needed” All this by a female with a schoolmistress voice. It’s like a visit to your local dominatrix! 
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I rarely use them. One reason is that I always feel the machines are taking the place of staff/jobs. On the rare occasions we have used them, we have to push the button for personal attention, Most often because some beer is in the items and they have to confirm the over 18 years of age rule.
I’m not sure if this is in place at our local branch but I could try it as an experiment…
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Given the long queues due to a lack of staff, I feel forced to use them. I’m always happy when I didn’t have to call the assistant. But now they have introduced a new system with new software which seems to be having teething trouble, to say the least. Have a hunch that there’s no going back.
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I use the one in Waitrose too and find it very bossy. I even had to have an assistant confirm my age when I bought a box of matches!
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Yesterday at the Chandlers Ford Branch, my age had to be verified,when I bought a box of six small Christmas Crackers! 
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I absolutely refuse to use any self-service element in my shopping expeditions.
I only use the service tills in all of the supermarkets I use. If after completing my selection and loading the heavy lot into the trolley, all of the manned tills are experiencing very long queues, I simply abandon my loaded trolley and cross the road to the one opposite and shop in there instead. Their loss is the opposite one’s gain, AND of course, they will have to find someone to empty the full trolley I abandonded.
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We get our deliveries to our door so we do talk to our real machine…
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I share your frustration LD I really do.
I pity the poor sod that has to empty your abandoned trolley, just something more to do for a hard working employee on a low wage 
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lol… Oh yeah…lot’s of feck offs and bite me.
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Yes I say things like “I already have “. when it says place your item in bagging area “
And “I’ve just scanned it “. when it says “Unexpected item in bagging area”
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