‘Real’ wit 
Aw shucks, you little sausage.
Dear Ms Apricot,
Further to the above, threats of court action and sending your brother around to give us a ‘good kicking’ is not helping the situation at all. As we have already explained and in some detail our PEL badges are made in the Republic of China which I am sure you are aware of is a very long way away. Therefore there is a small delay in our shipping department processing orders, you order being somewhere at the bottom of the pile.
You request for an immediate refund and compensation has been passed to our solicitors Kissmy Ass Ltd, this being a free offer I don’t hold out much chance of you receiving anything, but good try.
We hope that this helps and that we can look forward to further orders from you, we are doing a special offer of 12 jars of large pickled eggs for a very reasonable price to repeat order customers like yourself, please ring our premium hot line for further info.
Kind regards
Mr Rehab Customer Service Manager.
I like your style Mr Rehab Customer Services Manager.
I may very well take you up on your offer, providing you give me a GOOD price of course. {me being a valued customer and all].
Thanking you in anticipation.
MS Apricot.
x
Sorted 
Thankx
xxx
Good news.
Your item has been despatched. Tracking number 789549.
Our scantily clad courier can be identified by the black thong he is almost wearing and should be with tomorrow. Once again we thank you for shopping with us.
Eggs R Us
Sales Dept.
That is wonderful, and I look forward to wearing mine with pride. However, can you arrange for this young (?) chap to arrive after Mass and before my sons turn up for their dinner? I’m getting excited here.
Gee whiz, such wonderful service, I like the idea of the thong wearing courier, should I invite him in.?
Excuse me Emerald, you are not going to wear pickled eggs are you?Will you pin them to your bosum like a brooch I wonder?
LOL
OOPs Emerald, I have thought about your post and realise you probably mean your black thong. Correct me if wrong .
Apricot, did you realise it’s Mr. Rehab himself that comes round nearly wearing a too-small black thong?
This is why your badge is taking so long to reach you because he is such a pleasing sight, the ladies he delivers to won’t let him leave again. I saw him climbing out of my neighbours toilet window yesterday, so I know it’s true.
Well I never , but now you say it , it all falls into place .
He is such a multi-tasker . Mind you I have heard that these Brummies are a bit like that . A finger in every pie.
Still ,thanks for the low-down.
Delivery update
Dear buyer, due to very inclement weather our couriers will be changing into cold weather uniforms, but once again you will be able to easily recognise them. Each courier will be wearing a fur lined gold latex mankini with nipple clamps, and thigh length boots. Once again feel free to request any extra service you require. Our charges are quite reasonable and satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back
Thank you for your custom.
Eggs R Us, an equal opportunities provider
Apricot, I bet he’s trying his mankini on as we speak! Beware!
Well thank you Eggs R Us, I think about this overnight, because as I am sure you will be aware this has thrown me a bit. Not quite up to your usual standard if I may say so.If you say black thongs , black thongs it should be . Blow the excuse of cold weather, not good enough I"m afraid. Tell them to Man up
I will sleep on it and get back to you.
:roll:
LOl.
Have heard it is very cold in Brum at the moment so he might be giving it a miss.
It’s a bit of a tight fit…I think it might have shrunk in the wash…the mankini that is…
Now…i think I’ve wandered into the wrong place…I was looking for a stolen dvd of me in a compromising position…illegally obtained by deception.
it involved boxing gloves and a pickled egg…thats probably how I ended up here.
Dear Mr Tpin,
Welcome to Eggs R Us, I can assure that we can fufill your order immediately. Of course any order fulfilled by us will entitle you to a FREE…YES, Free PEL badge. But wait! There’s more, your dvd will be returned in a discreet brown paper envelope once the dispatch department have finished uploading it to Facebook.
We thank you for your custom.
Mr Rehab head of corporate affairs.