He seems to be getting a bit more help now he’s hit 30 stone. I think that must trigger something in the NHS system. Hypnosis might be worth considering
Maree, in more normal times I think he would be undergoing counselling by now. And he probably feels so very supported by your friendship, so just keep being his friend, because it sounds like he needs a few good friends right now. And frankly, other than professional help, or thousands of pounds to go private (
) what else can anyone do to help him at the moment?
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It certainly helped an acquaintance just across the green from me. It was a last resort before surgery and after a few sessions, she no longer overeats.
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I think he needs professional help…I only wish I could offer advice that could help.
Just don’t give up on him, but tell how much everyone is doing to help…try and get his mind occupied with something, even suggest here.
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You could suggest bereavement counselling. Or just talk to him about how he feels about his mother and childhood. Cruse may offer this for free. Seems that both he has not really got over the loss. Not surprising losing his mum at such a young age. Perhaps he blames himself in some way and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy and have a good life. Self loathing, feelings of helplessness and worthlessness could be part of it. He has turned his body into a prison. Very tragic 
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Great post Annie and very insightful …
It got me at the beginning of the thread when Maree said she’d seen him crying whilst he was eating because he can’t stop himself.
Poor guy sounds in torment and it’s more than just an issue about food or eating disorders and diet.
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25 years does seem a little long to grieve the loss of a parent.
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It’s amazing how it can manifest in your life if grief is not addressed. It’s never too late to let go of guilt.
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Fair enough. People are different. Just seemed a bit long to grieve upon first inspection.
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It is …at face value … but everyone is different. I still miss my dad, and he died 50 years ago this year which is yonks ago and it’s only recently I finally figured out why I missed him more than my mum who died 20 years ago.
I never got to know my dad as an adult … my perception of him was a child looking up to this guy who was struggling with ill health … I’d love to have been able to know him as an adult to another adult.
Perhaps it’s something like that? I dunno .
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Fair enough. Both my parents died when I was in my mid to late 40s, and they were both in their 80s. Although sad, obviously, it seemed fair enough.
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I’m sure his mum dying and his dad going off with another woman so quickly started it. Plus his dad is very negative towards him, I’ve never heard him say anything positive about his son. Then there was the Gran who used food to comfort him.
I always remember once when he visited her she sent him off with a lunch box of beef dripping sandwiches for the train!
I don’t know if he’s exactly grieving but I do think he feels alone, which is weird because he has so many friends. And he feels a failure.
He’s done OK really, got his degree, holds down a job, is buying his flat, owns a car, lots of friends.
Thank you everyone for replying. When I heard his sister had thrown him out I was a bit upset and so very, very sorry for him.
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I felt a bit like that too Morti. Having dealt with early loss of a father too I can totally relate to the upheaval, confusion and long term coming to terms. Losing a parent when you are not yet mature enough to understand that loss is hard. Life never has a sure footing after that.
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@Maree , of course since he’s a man, he won’t be told even though it’s bleeding obvious to all and sundry. Sounds like he’s managed to get himself into a self defeating wilful frame of mind.
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Many years ago Ted Heath (via GP’s) set up a Walking for Heath - or Health Walks. They start with a very very short walk and continue to 10 or 15 miles. Why not see if this system runs in your area and ask your friend to commit to at least one walk a week - increasing every three months…
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I’ve done those myself in the past, Lindyloo, after an operation, they are brilliant. Sadly my friend can’t walk more than about 20 yards at the moment, and that’s with a Zimmer frame
It is heartbreaking to read about your poor friend.
Hoping this proves to be the case as he needs professional help.
Would he be willing to phone Samaritans when he gets the urge to eat, perhaps they can help him, because he is, in a way committing a slow form of suicide.
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You’re right, he is in a that sort of mindset. In a way, I think that his being such a lovely person and everyone liking him, helping him out and making excuses for him might work against him, sometimes.
Even in hospital, he had them all round his little finger and used to tell us about Janine, the very nice nursing assistant who always brought him in a nice slice of Dundee cake every afternoon!
When you see obese people on TV they always seem to have “feeders” and people enabling them, don’t they?
From my experience with an alcoholic I know perhaps his sister is right and a bit of tough love might give him a wake up call.
But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Yes, he is, and the sad thing is he knows it. He told me the other day that he needn’t bother about a pension because he won’t live much passed 50.
I hadn’t thought of the Samaritans, thank you, I’ll suggest it
Sorry to hear that - but why not contact Age UK or another volunteer group - and ask for a companion to walk with him for very short distances, which could hopefully increase in time.
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