As I rouse from dreaming about intimacy, I groan as I roll onto my side and look at the unused pillow beside me.
My hormones telling me that I have been too long without human contact.
I am not craving intimacy with a stranger.
I long for skin to skin contact with someone I can connect with on many levels.
Alas I made a conscious decision to live life alone, foolishly telling myself I do not need intimate human contact.
All my life I have slept alone. Waking every morning by oneself I realise now has had a mildly negative effect on my self esteem.
When the decision was made by me to shun people it was on the back of years of use and abuse to the point where it was imperative for me to block people out of my life.
I now have some semblance of control of my emotions. I can now differentiate between those who want to harm me and those who simply want friendship and benign human interaction.
So here I am, sleeping single in a double bed, craving intimate skin to skin contact but it seems I am destined to remain alone for the reason that prolonged interaction with someone still has the tendency to drive me a little bit crazy.
After a relatively short while I have the urgent need to get away. To run away and hide from the world at large.
A paragraph ago I wrote I now have some semblance of control of my emotions, the operative word being, āsomeā. I do not have control of my emotions, I have, āSome semblance of Controlā.
I think one of the worst things about being single when you donāt want to be is that people are shamed for expressing loneliness.
Everyone has needs, wants and desires and it is the decisions we have made over our life time that determines whether those needs, wants and desires will be fulfilled.
Do I regret the decisions I made all those years ago?
At the time those decisions probably saved my sanity. Today? I realise that decisions have ramifications which may not manifest for decades down the track, and I wake, alone, in a double bed when I do not really want to be alone. Not any more.
But will I be able to take the next step and make positive changes so that loneliness does not become all consuming in my later years?
sounds as if your in the middle of a depression and need to get out of it. Can I suggest you go on a singles only holiday and get a chance to meet someone you think you would like to get to know better. It is up to you to make the first move and maybe you will be surprised. Sitting at home doing nothing wonāt help.
see my PM to you
Iām surprised to read this Bret as youāve always come across as a confident person whoās happy with your lifeās choices 
One thing I will say, and often say to people I know who have been the opposite situation, is that the grass isnāt always greener - and while you may currently be focusing on the downsides, you can guarantee that there are a lot of people in the opposite situation who have an equal number of downsides to contend with 
I guess my point is, if you can, try to focus on the positives (of which I am sure there are many) but if there is something you would like to change, or improve, then start taking small steps towards it 
Maybe we should create a āsinglesā area on the site for all our single members who are ready to mingle!
Funny thing is I have thought about creating a dating site but one that is primarily focused on voice chats rather than text chats, because I think what someone is like on the inside, and how they speak, articulate and express themselves, etc is just as if not more important than looks alone.
Another idea I had was to create a ādating siteā called happilysingle.com but some dating company has signed up that domain because they know it would be a huge threat to their business (Iām pretty sure most people would rather put up a profile on a site like that where theyāre happily single but open to the idea of someone special, than go on dating sites actively looking - because then you have to deal with a huge number of people who youāre not really going to be interested in.)
No Bretrick is not depressed he is looking back and doing what thinkers do they over think normally so then the cycle goes on around and aroundā¦ that sets off these wants and wishing if only thoughts come to the foreā¦
I have a good marriage but also have a need for good mates and I have one that I put above most others in my life. I lost my soulmate Rosi when she was just 59 in 2006 March it was.
So I do have soulmate for several years now and we talk every day and share music humour we have the same and problems alsoā¦everyday chit chat it is what makes my world completeā¦Husband knows of him a lot and has no worries or issues that its a male soulmateā¦some which are few friends do though which is to me small mindedā¦I have always had male friends moreso than females it is what it is friends not anything moreā¦why does it have to be I say.
Bretrick is wanting a close contact relationship but because he has been on his own for so long is a tad lost, how to change this without loosing his own āspace;ā wanting to gain some close encounter and more I would think which is natural human behaviourā¦He talks about it but it is normal. He does not seem to know how to change this though. so needs some suggestionsā¦
come on then, fire up and help him out hereā¦
A fleeting glimpse into the workings of my mind.
Every now and then thoughts come into my mind and I deal with them as they occur.
Sharing this thought here, some other members may be able to relate and it might give them a chance to voice their thoughts here.
95% of the time I am perfectly okay living a single life.
Thoughts such as those expressed by me rarely see the light of day. This morning when they did surface I thought it might be advantageous to other members going through the same issue.
As I say, I am perfectly okay on my own. Gives me so much freedom to go out into the Aussie bush and be at peace with the critters out there.
Ah thatās good Bret 
As someone who was in a long term r/ship I quite like being single
You need to get a single Bed Bretrick, donāt solve a problem, eliminate it.
Correct, I am not depressed.
Years ago I was very depressed but managed to deal with and have coping mechanisms in place.
Honestly, I do not want to change my lot in life. Having been alone my whole life, regressing into myself, and the bottle from age 12, I have managed to survive the torments and come out the other end. Not unscathed, but a much wiser and compassionate person.
The thought of waking up with someone beside me sends me into paroxysms of melancholy which I care not to let in . 
4.50am, time for me to start work. Signing off for now.
I hope this helps Bretrick.
Bretrick
At least you donāt have to suffer ones other half snoring most of the night beside you
I never thought you had a heart just a on yer bike kinda life Spitty you are full of surprisesā¦ok not all nice but never the less fullā¦ 
IT will not always be that way thoughā¦your get someone come along just when you least expect it and Boomā¦
No one is everything to all people, you just have to hope there is enough āGutsā to be the best possible.
I have my own coping methodsā¦
Brett, from what I have read out of your posts, you are a very interesting person! I have the utmost respect for sharing very intimate thoughts here.
Have you seen the Harry Potter movies, especially when Albus Dumpledore said to Harry āIt takes great courage to stand against your enemies but it takes much more courage to stand against your friends.ā? My qoute is not 100% accurate but I am sure that you will get my message: respect for sharing those intimate thoughts with us.
It is a pity that Australia is so far away from Germany, otherwise I would love to meet you in person to let you know that you are not alone.
Thank you for all that you have contributed to this forum so far and best regards from Germany 
Those are the mighty and powerful thoughts that come at 4 a.m. that are often magnified in the dark and at that time of day, Bretwick.
It is a very human quality to want companionship and intimacy. The challenge is finding someone compatible enough to enjoy (and sometimes tolerate) all the other things in between.
I am one who is inclined that those desires and wishes do not fade with age.
If it is companionship you want, go get it and welcome to the fray!
Nicely written.