I don’t know about Carmen, but I want to meet them both :):)
Ha ha, yes I would too, but I would come armed with air freshener 
If only I could do that for you. I’d like to meet them both meself! 
I sort of fashioned Bel after my mum, but my mum wasn’t as big as her. She had that same dry humour though and sarcastic come-back, and she said things like they were without holding back. Oh, and she knew how to handle herself as well against most blokes if needed. She was a cracker. She once chased after a thief when I was little and tackled him to the ground, then held onto him till the police came. Me and my little brother sat tittering watching her. Now that IS true.
Crusty is a mixture of a few old men I’ve met over the years. 
Aw your mum sounds quite a character Mollie
Oh she was!
She came to visit my husband and I when we lived in Worcester. We were going round the town and she said she fancied a bit of fish for tea so we called at MacFisheries.
She asked for a whole cod and the young lass weighed it then started to wrap it up. My mum stopped her and asked her to gut and skin it first. The young girl said she didn’t know how.
Me mam rolled up her sleeves, went behind the counter and said: “Gimme that bluddy knife and I’ll thi’ how’t do it! Si’ thi’ wot tha’ does is …” Right there she gutted and skinned the fish! I was in pleats laughing, but it was embarrassing as well!
I can see Bel doing that :)
Now you can see where I get my sense of humour from. 
Well what can i say just finished chapter 4 , brilliant Mollie just brilliant , so many funny one liners , its worth another read later … The Breadman of Alcatraz so funny … only trouble now its made me Hungry .
well done Mollie …
Thanks Dabby. If you think those first four are funny, then you’ll definitely enjoy even more once he meets the love of his life! 
[B][CENTER]133
From One Foot in the Gravy
(to The Road to Recovery!)[/CENTER][/B]
The following afternoon, as promised, Bel returned to the hospital with a couple of carrier bags full of things for him. With his appetite back in full swing already, he’d had a normal breakfast and had eaten heartily at lunchtime so by the time Bel arrived his belly was full to brasting.
Incidentally, he hadn’t lost any weight because of the nutrients he’d been given whilst he was still in the coma thanks, in part, to his Bel. She’d made sure they fed him meat pies, barm cakes and butties that had been blended down into liquid form for his intravenous drip. Every now and then she’d prepare a special treat of lobbies which again she’d pour into her blender so that it came out in soup form. It had been a little tricky at first because of the thickness, but after it had been watered down it didn’t keep getting stuck in the feeding tube to his stomach.
He started bouncing about on his bed again when her head popped round the door of his room, giving him a big smile, teeth gleaming like the incisors of a Canadian beaver.
“Hiya Bel. It’s great to see ya again. Wor’ave ya fetched me?”
“Loads o’ stuff. I’ve fetched yer CD player and some music for ya’t listen to. There’s some earphones with it so ya don’t start blasting the whole bluddy hospital. I’ve gor’a load o’ Dandy’s and Beano’s for ya’t read that ya’ve missed, a bumper colouring book an’ a new box o’ crayons with every colour under’t sun. I’ve brought ya some butties and pies, a bottle o’ banana milkshake for ya’t slurp on. Wot’s this? Oh aye! I’ve brought ya some Curly Wurlies for yer munching moments an’ a bunch o’ bananas!”
He snatched hold of one of several meat pies out of a bag.
“Ooh ta Bel! These’ll keep me out o’ mischief and they might even keep me quiet an’ all! Canna start on this meyt pie? I’ve bin looking forward to summat decent t’ayte. The food in here’s okay bur’it’s not like worra ger’at home!”
“Ya only aytes bluddy rubbish at home!”
Gaaaaar-anch! Gaaar-anch, anch!
The meat pie was gone in two bites!
Boip!
“Do I? I cawn’t remember! Bel?”
“Wot?”
“Tomorrer when ya comes will ya fetch me banjo wi’ ya? Am thinking about learning some new songs to add to me repertoire!”
“Wot repertoire? Er … I don’t think that would be such a good idea owd lad. They’d end up clouting ya round’t back o’t bluddy yed wi’ it and we don’t want that now do we? Tha’s only just come out o’ one daze!”
“Suppose yer right. Okay then. Bel?”
“Wot now?”
“When canna go wom Bel? The doctors said tharrave got to stop here for a good while yet!”
“Well ya must do wot the doctors say owd lad. Ya’ve bin on yer back for over three months now and ya’ve not walked anywhere. Th’owd joints’ll be seized up so it’ll tek 'em a while to get ya back on yer stinking cruddy owd feet!”
“Will I be able’t walk again, d’ya think Bel?”
“Yes lad, bur’it’ll tek a lorra hard work an’ a very good while like I said. Ya’ll have to have physiotherapy because them muscles in yer skinny little legs won’t be much use after all this time, so it’ll be a long road owd lad and ya’ll just have to be patient. They’ve been massaging yer muscles and moving yer joints regularly, bur’it’ll still tek some time to ger’o’er it all. They’ll be like jelly to stand on at the moment. I’ll do everything I can to help ya though. We’ll soon have ya scuttling about all o’er’t place again. Neh then look at worrave gor’ere for ya owd lad. It’s a special surprise!”
She handed him a photograph which he studied for a second, and then his face lit up with a big beam.
“This is beltin’ Bel. Ta very much!”
She pointed something out on the picture.
“There’s th’owd blue jumper there. Can ya see him waving to ya? And there’s Sniffy and Whiffy wi’t th’owd black jacket squeezed in between 'em. I popped a rose in his button hole to make him look posh and he were thrilled to bits! There’s yer farty little black vinyl boots as well and Jim and Jam! They all got 'gether for a group photograph ‘cos they miss ya owd lad! I took it wi’ me paranoid camera this morning an’a pur’it in a nice frame so ya can look at it from time to time on yer bedside cabinet!”
“That’s very thoughtful of ya Bel, burrave not gor’a Jim and Jam anymore! We had a funeral for 'em a long time ago. Don’t ya remember?”
“Yeh I know, burrave bought ya some new ones while yer in’th 'ospital. I’ll fetch 'em next time I come. Trouble was they weren’t stiff enough’t stand up on their own for’t picture, so they had to have a lie down on’t bed for’t photo and th’others gathered round 'em!”
“Oh reet! Weer’s Good Owd Stinky? I cawn’t see him in this picture!”
“Dunno. I spotted him crawling off somewhere for a fester burra couldn’t find him for’t photograph. Ya’ll see him again sometime!”
Just then the door opened and the physiotherapist walked in.
“Good afternoon Miss Leekey. How are you doing Crusty old lad?”
“I’m alreet ta Jack. Wor’ave ya come’t do at me this time?”
“Well I’m just going to get you into the lift and today we’ll have you out o’ that bed and sitting in a proper chair for a change!”
“A lift? Yer not gerrin me into a lift! Am frikkened of 'em. Bel, Bel, tell him Bel!”
Bel chimed in then.
“Lift? Wot sort o’ lift?”
“Oh it’s just a device to get immobile patients out of bed, that’s all!”
“Ya’ll not be needing one o’ them while I’m here lad. Go and ger’im his wheelchair an’ I’ll ger’im out of his pit!”
“Well the only reason we need the lift is because of his weight. He’s too heavy for one person to manhandle, and lifting people can cause bad backs to the carers, so it’s a Health and Safety issue as well!”
“Is that so? Get his wheelchair please!”
Jack wheeled the disabled chair to Crusty’s bedside and, without thinking, Bel threw back his blankets.
“Phew! Wor’a bluddy stink! Wor’ave ya bin doin’ under them bed clothes ya nasty owd bugger?”
“Nowt Bel. I might’ve farted a couple o’ times though!”
“Bluddy hell. Ya’ll have’t hang on a bit until me eyes have stopped watering. Good grief! Worra ya feeding him with?”
“Only the most nourishing foods Miss Leekey. He’s getting a lot of pulses, peas and beans and …”
[SIZE=“3”]“Yer givin’ him peys and beyns? It’s no bluddy wonder he stinks. Haven’t ya gor’any idea at all wor’e’s like wi’ peys and beyns inside him?”[/SIZE]
“Well I didn’t, but I’m beginning to. Phew, it does stink dun’t it?”
“Go an’ ger’a fan’t blow this pong out otherwise th’whole bluddy hospital will have’t shut down for a week for fumigation, an’ open them windows as well.”
Jack did as he was told and ten minutes later he came rushing back with a floor standing heavy duty fan.
Crusty was grinning his head off and decided to make the most of the situation. In for a penny, in for a fifty pound note!
[SIZE=“3”]Paaaarip, blobble, blobolobolobol, squeak, brrrrrip, plopple, pffffumph, paaarp, flirt, ploppety-ploppety, shiiiiiite-blobble![/SIZE]
“Oops!”
“Alreet! That’ll bluddy do ya, ya nasty-arsed owd gobsh!te! Ya don’t have’t make up for’t last four bluddy month in one go!”
“Sorry Bel!”
"No yer not! Ya was enjoying that, I could tell! Bluddy hell! We could do wi’ a bluddy tornado coming through here’t get rid o’ that smell!"
“But them’s big aeroplanes Bel. It’d knock th’ospickal down! It were one o’ them that clod me out that time, d’ya remember?”
“If ya weren’t already sitting I’d knock ya down!”
“Cor, Miss Leekey, that’s terrible. I feel sick … hang on …!”
Poor Jack took off to be sick in the nearby toilet
After another five minutes the smell had been blown out through the open window of Crusty’s little room and Jack returned, dabbing the corners of his mouth.
“Reet! That’s more like it. Neh then! Come on thee and let’s get ya into this wheelchair and ya can go for a ride.”
“Ta Bel! Bel?”
“Wot?”
“Canna have a bed pan please Bel. I want a number …”
“I don’t want to know. Ya’ll have’t wait a bit till Jack gets ya sorted out.”
With a mighty heave she lifted him like a baby out of bed and placed him gently in the waiting chair.
[B][I]Blobble!
“Phew!”[/I][/B]
Jack had seen what a large woman she was, but had no idea she possessed such gargantuan strength. Big didn’t necessarily equal strong. Jack was most impressed.
“Where to now Bel?”
“I don’t know. Ask Jack!”
Pfffummmph!
“Phew! We’re going to the Weights Room old boy, but I’ll sort yer arse end out first. We need to get some muscle tone back into yer legs so that ya’ll be able’t walk again. Wor’ever ya do, don’t fart again yet owd lad 'cos ya might follow …!”
Paaarp!
“Weights? I’m not lifting any weights. I’ll hurt meself!”
“No you’ll not. I’m an expert so trust me.”
[B][I]Paaarp!
“Phew, wor’a bluddy stink!”[/I][/B]
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Another two months later he was back home again, but during the time he’d been in hospital he’d driven the hospital staff completely stark staring bonkers with his squawking, whinging, crying and moidering, not to mention his finest farting moments, about the “hard work they were making him do in the Weights Room” but Jack endured because no other physio would take him on because of his smells.
The worst part of all though was when they tried hydrotherapy on him and at first Crusty didn’t know what it was.
That was a fun moment!
The buoyancy in the water would have speeded his recovery, but the moment they wheeled him through to the Pool Room he started screaming the place down, to the point where they gave up on that part of the treatment as they thought he might suffer a heart attack during his panicking. Even Bel couldn’t get him to see sense about the pool, so she advised the staff that it would be best not to pursue it, if there was an alternative.
One day when she arrived, she made her way straight to Physiotherapy as that was where he was spending most of his time.
As soon as he saw her he went into hysterics.
“Look Bel, look! Am on me smelly owd feet now Bel. Am nearly walking again now am’t I? Are ya proper proud o’ me owd lass?”
She was amazed.
Tears came to her eyes as she saw him standing for the first time in nearly six months. He was holding onto the parallel bars with the orderly, suitably equipped with a peg on his nose, watching his every move. He was a bit rickety, but he was proving to be stronger with each day that passed.
And dafter!
“Well done owd lad, well done! I am very, very proud of ya.”
Paaarp!
“Bel, Bel! Thanks for me new Jim and Jam. They fit me beltin’ an’ave got Sniffy and Whiffy on as well!”
“I know, I can smell 'em!”
“Ta Bel. Bel? Will I try an’ walk without holding on?”
“No lad! Don’t do that! Do wot the physiotherapist tells ya and be a good lad!”
“Okay then.”
Whilst he’d still been confined to bed, he wouldn’t allow the nurses to wash him so Bel had had to forcibly do the bits that showed; and the bits that didn’t just went unattended, so the smell from his room was like something out of a dustbin.
She’d kept his face, neck, ears, hands and even his armpits clean (I know - yuk) by scrubbing them with a scouring pad and a tub of Ajax, but she didn’t dare enter the realms of the unknown, i.e. his backside, feet and danglies or, as Doctor Fry would have put it, his arse, feet and crusticles. It was bad enough that she could smell them without having to look, touch and clean them as well.
The very thought made her go dizzy and sick, but even the nurses, who were used to that kind of thing, almost caused a strike over it as they considered that he was above and beyond the call of duty!
Now that Crusty was back in the land of the living and knowing what he was like Bel, being a very understanding, gentle natured, thoughtful, patient, tolerant type of lady, provided them all with a brand new supply of pegs for their noses and had paid out for an oxygen tent to be rigged up in a corner which they could dive into for the stinkier moments.
They were now sitting down at the table in his little kitchen. Bel had gone to great pains to keep everything clean and tidy for him. His washing was put neatly away, the house shone like a new pin and she’d fitted her visits to Crusty in as well.
She’d kept in touch with Vanda, who was an excellent secretary, but that had only occurred to Bel when she’d had to spend so much time off work, and Vanda had pretty much run everything single-handedly and most successfully, keeping in touch with Berlin and Dallas as well as all her other duties in more local areas.
The Managers managed, but they didn’t know the more intricate ins and outs of the businesses like Vanda did. Bel made the decision that, as a result of her exceptionally hard work, she was going to give Vanda a massive pay rise, perhaps even a promotion, just as soon as she could get back into the swing of things.
While she’d been tidying and putting things away at Crusty’s house, she’d found something in a drawer which made her really lose her temper. She decided that once he was back to being his usual eighty five percent she’d have it out with him, but for now she had to hold her tongue.
She turned to Crusty now who was sat patiently at the table awaiting instructions from his Bel.
“Wot do I do now Bel?”
“Do? Ya don’t do anything owd lad. I’m just goin’t put that kettle on for a nice cup o’ tea! Okay?”
His face lit up.
“Ta Bel. Bel?”
“Wot?”
“Ya know when I were in that brush thing?”
“Eh? Oh! Ya means the coma, ya daft owd duck!”
“Oh aye, comb. Weer was it I went to exacertackerly?”
She flicked the switch on the kettle then sat down opposite him.
“I don’t know owd lad. Nobody knows where people go to when they’re in a coma. It’s a sort of place between worlds. Ya weren’t in this one, but ya weren’t in Heaven either.”
“Well from worra can remember there were nowt theer an’a were bored stiff, so am glad am back! It were only when ya started shouting at me tharra decided to make a really big, big effort to get meself back ‘cos I were frikkened o’ gerrin a pelt round’t yed, bur’up till then I couldn’t manage it! I’d tried me bestest bur’it were so frustraterating being so afflicticated in that way!”
She stared hard at him.
“How d’ya know there were nowt there?”
“Eh? 'Cos I were theer weren’t I? I could see there were nowt there!”
“Just a tick while I brew this tea.”
She put the steaming mugs on the table and then decided to gently question him.
“Can ya describe it at all lad? I mean wot was going through yer mind?”
“Oh, only the usual rubbish Bel. Like worra were goin’t ayte when I could get back to where I’d went from an’a thought about you too Bel. Otherwise me yed were empty as usual!”
She stifled a snort.
“Well if ya could see there were nowt there, wot were ya thinking? Could ya hear me talking to ya?”
“Oh aye. Well sometimes when I weren’t havin’ a kip! I were listening to all them bedtime stories ya were telling me, burra couldn’t talk to ya ‘cos ya couldn’t hear me even though I tried that an’ all. I did a lorra skryking while I were theer 'cos I thowt ya’d clod me someweer on a punishment, burra didn’t know worrad done wrong.”
“Wor’a bluddy shame! Try to describe it to me please lad.”
“Well. It were like being outside on a warm day, but there were nowt to stand on and there was no sky either Bel. It were as if somebody had dropped me off in’t miggle of a cloud an’a were all alone by meself wi’ nobody wi’ me, so I’d nobody’t talk to or sing to.”
“Wor’a bluddy … Ne’ mind eh lad? Yer back now and that’s all that matters.”
“Yeh bur’ow did I get theer in’t first place? That’s wor’I’d like to know.”
“Oh yes. Well lad. D’ya remember when ya put them Pot Noodles in’t microwave?”
“I do Bel, yes. There was all this smook came out when ya opened’t door!”
“That’s right lad. Well that smoke was poisonous and you breathed too much of it in. It were called cyanide and it affected ya very badly and that’s why ya went into a coma!”
“Oh reet. Burram okay now Bel am’t I?”
“Yes you are thank goodness. The doctors managed to ger’all them nasty little toxins out of yer blood and then’t rest were just a matter o’ time. I said a prayer to yer owd mate ya know lad, asking Him if He’d help ya out.”
“I know Bel. I think I heerd that, burra thowt ya were just tekkin’t Mickey out of Him again like ya allers do!”
“No lad. Bur’He came up trumps again didn’t He?”
Paaar-ip!
“Yeh. I think He likes me a lot ya know 'cos He’s allers helping me out, making sure I don’t dee.”
Bel stifled another snort.
“I know lad but that’s only ‘cos He dun’t want ya up theer wi’ Him, 'cos He knows ya’ll only start doing yer moidering!”
“Ya could be reet there Bel. Bel?”
“Wot?”
“They said in’th ‘ospickal tharrave not to be left on me own for too long, so why’ve ya brought me wom? I thowt I’d be stoppin’ wi’ you for’t rest o’ me days!”
“Did ya? Wor’ever gave ya that idea?”
“Well I’ll need a lorra looking after now tharram out o’t th’ospickal. I cawn’t manage all by meself yet!”
“Oh don’t worry about that. I’ve gor’a private nurse that’ll come every day and see to ya. I’ve got to get back to me businesses now owd lad, burrall not neglect ya. I’ll make sure yer okay!”
[B][I]Sulk!
Grin![/I][/B]
“A pretty lickle nursey all to meself, every day?”
Bel smirked behind her hand.
“Er … yes lad. That’s right! A pretty little nurse all to yerself!”
“When?”
“Tomorrow morning owd lad!”
“Wot time will nursey be coming then Bel?”
“About nine o’clock, so be up!”
“Reet! Ya know Bel. I’ve not listened to me records in a long while. Will I go an’ put one on? We’ll be able’t hear it from here!”
“Okay owd lad, if that’s wot ya wants. Can ya manage by yerself?”
“Yis ta.”
“Well don’t pur’owt daft on!”
He trundled off slowly into the living room and he had a sort through his various rubbishy records, selected one then returned to the living room.
Just as he was sitting down the singer began to croon and Crusty had turned the volume up full whack!
[CENTER]Eidelweiss, eidelweiss
Every morning you greet me[/CENTER]
Crusty decided to join in.
[CENTER][SIZE=“3”]Small and white
Clear as shi …[/SIZE][/CENTER]
“Wot the bluddy hell hast pur’on?”
He flinched back.
“It’s me Vince Hill LP Bel. D’ya not like him?”
“Vince bluddy Hill! Go an’ ger’it off. On second thoughts, forger’it - I’ll go!”
She stormed through to the living room and lifted the needle from the record which she then returned to its sleeve.
“That long sleep’s not improved yer bluddy brain cell has it?”
Sulk!
“Why? Wot’s up wi’ Vince Hill? Ya didn’t like me Mickey and Griff LP either! How’s about Nina and Frederick then?”
She didn’t answer him.
“Well, wot d’ya think about Box Car Willie then?”
“I don’t know lad. I’ve never suffered from it, burrall tell ya wot! If ya keeps on playing yer daft records I’ll make sure you suffers from it for a long time!”
“But Box Car Willie’s a singer Bel!”
“Is it? Wor’a bluddy shame! I wonder wor’e did to deserve a name like that! Who’d name a child after a bluddy disease? It’s like somebody being called Malaria or Cholera! Just imagine, Miss Cholera Nibbleswick!”
“Burrave not gor’any relatives called Cholera Nibbleswick Bel!”
“Shaddap ya daft sod!”
“Bel?”
“Wot?”
“While I’ve been poorly will ya be takin’ me on a jaunt soon?”
“We’ll have to see. I’ve got really behind at work owd lad so I’ve gor’a lorra catching up to do. I’ve not time for holidays just now.”
“Well I could go somewhere by meself for a bit o’ sunshine couldn’t I?”
“No, ya can’t! Ya’d ger’up to all sorts on yer own!”
“That’s a poink. There’s so many places I’ve not seen yet Bel, an’ave had a couple o’ close calls, wot wi’ thar’aeroplane chucking me out, me car accident when I were on me way’t save ya in Blackpool, me Crustbuster leckocuting me an’ all sorts. Am lucky’t be alive really aren’t I Bel?”
“Y’are owd lad. Givvit a couple o’ months until yer a bit stronger. I’ll be able’t catch up a bit and then pr’aps we can tek off somewhere for a week or two. Okay?”
“Ta Bel. Thar’d be reet gradely.”
“Reet lad, I’m off now. Yer belly’s full and ya can manage’t make a cup o’ tea by yerself can’t ya?”
“Yis, ta Bel!”
“Right then. Yer pretty lickle nurse’ll be coming in’t morning to see to ya so make sure yer up and about for when ya hears that knock on’t door. I’ll give ya a ring tomorrer lad, or I might call in. Bye, bye!”
“Bel?”
“Worisit this time?”
“Thanks for everything Bel, and for being there for me in’th 'ospickal while I’ve bin proper poorly!”
“Yer very welcome me owd budgie features! I’ll see ya tomorrer!”
“Now there’s a thowt! Bye, bye Bel! See ya tomorrer!”
© Mollie M
26.11.03
Yet another good read Mollie I wonder what Bel found in Crusty’s drawer that made her angry?? 
Also wondering about this pretty little nurse…is she really pretty or is it Bel
made me laugh, budgie features indeed!! Glad to see Crusty’s home. I’m also wondering what Bel found in his drawer to make her cross!! I reckon the nurse is a male 
The nurse is definitely not Bel as she isn’t qualified, nor does she have the time.
[B][CENTER]134
Only Fools & Nurses
(and An Unexpected Visitor!)[/CENTER][/B]
The next morning Crusty’s squinty little eyes flirted open wide. He’d hardly slept a wink all night trying to picture the sweet ministering angel that Bel had picked for his nurse. He’d been dreaming about her all night and his imagination was in overdrive picturing her gentle cool hands stroking his poor old fevered brow!
Paaarp!
“Oops! I’d best not do too many o’ them while nursey’s here otherwise she might not come back again. I can’t wait to see wot she’s goin’t look like. I ber’er’s a lickle blonde wi’ big blue eyes an’ a cheeky botty an’ some other naughty bits an’ all! I wonder wor’er name’ll be! I hope her’s genkle wi’ me!!”
He put both his fists to his mouth and started tittering away then stopped suddenly, knowing his Bel would belt him for having those sorts of thoughts.
He was up and out of that bed as fast as he could go, and he’d managed to get himself dressed and shaved in the hope that he’d make an impression on her when she arrived. He’d even dabbed himself behind the ears with some eau-de-cologne that Soreen had given him about thirty years ago in an attempt to make him smell nice. It had gone off a couple of decades before and it stunk bloody rotten, but Crusty hoped she’d be bowled over by it!
“Hang on a minute! Just supposing nursey’s nor’a sweet lickle blondie type of person? Ickle be just like my Bel to get me an ugly nursey with calves like a rugby player an’ a face like a butcher’s block! No, she wouldn’t though 'cos she said that she was a pretty lickle nurse!”
He’d just got downstairs, having taken his time by cautiously holding onto the banister rail, and was about to go into the kitchen to make a brew when there were several soft taps on his front door. He started getting really excited and nearly fell over in the process. He clapped his hands with glee then slicked his eight strands firmly into place with some spit.
“Ooh! Thackle be my pretty lickle nursey come to look after me! I hope her’s getten one o’ them cute uniforms on wi’ a white pinny with a big red cross on it and some o’ them black fishnet stockings!”
He’d got these ideas into his head through talking to Miss Golden Thighs on the phone, and if Bel could have heard him she would have lamped him one, despite her promise to herself in the mirror at the hospital.
He counted to ten, prepared himself to be met by a fluffy little blonde then straightened his back the best he could.
With a grin as wide as a football pitch and tongue at maximum dangle, he flung open his front door to greet his visitor then he looked up, and up, and up, and across which took several seconds!
The grin faded and was replaced by a creased forehead and a magnificent sulk.
Who was this?
Framed in the doorway was a very close likeness of Frank Bruno! He was at least six foot five and weighed in at approximately the same as Bel, perhaps a little lighter. He was as black as the night and had a set of gnashers like an electric hedge trimmer that dazzled brighter than the searchlights of a helicopter.
Crusty flinched back when he saw the huge man staring down at him, then he stared up at him again, opened his mouth and a blood curdling scream came out of his cavernous gob.
[SIZE=“3”]“Aaaarargh! Where’s my Bel? Bel, Bel help me Bel! Am being accosticated by a giant!”[/SIZE]
He slammed the door shut and shot the dead bolt across and the safety chain, then hobbled off towards his telephone to ring his Bel, but before he could dial all the numbers the man knocked on the door again, so Crusty limped back and opened it up just a crack and peered out with one rolling watery eye.
“I don’t want to buy any encyclopaedias 'cos am nor’a very good reader an’ave not gor’any money’t give ya for yer charity. I don’t want any double glazing an’a don’t want to change me gas or lecky supplier, an’am nor’available for neighbourhood watch. Wor’else is there? Oh aye. I don’t want to join any Bible classes so bye, bye! Ya’d best go as’am expecting me lickle nurse any minute now!”
Slam!
Tap, tap.
“Who’s theer?”
Knock, knock.
“If ya don’t go away I’ll ring my Bel and she’ll sort ya out. Her’s bigger than thee!”
Knock, knock!
Resignedly Crusty opened the door again and peered up with one piggy little red eye at the big man.
“Worisit ya wants me for only am a proper poorly man? I’ve bin in a brush for nearly a year!”
“Eh?”
The big man grinned down at Crusty, but when he spoke his voice belied his size. It was most unfortunate, but the poor man had a terrible lisp and when he said his s’s his tongue stuck out a good half inch, but that wasn’t what scared Crusty even more. It was what he was wearing.
He had on a fluorescent orange satin shirt which was open almost to the waist revealing a hairless chest and a big gold medallion; yellow patent shoes and purple suede trousers. He was dripping in gold jewellery from his neck, ears and wrists and was also sporting a huge wide-brimmed black Fedora hat and a pair of sunglasses, although the day was grey and it was raining. He wore a luridly coloured cravat at his throat and he was carrying a shocking pink holdall of some kind.
He favvered a New York pimp!
The big man then took off his sunglasses and continued to grin down at Crusty.
That was when our hapless hero could see that the man was around thirty years of age and, when he spoke, Crusty’s eight strands stood up on end.
“Hello thweety. It’th Cruthty ithn’t it? I’m Delroy, your nurth! I’ve been thent here to nurth you and take care of all your needth! Let’th get thtarted then shall we thweet pea! We’ll thtart on your phythiotherapy! We’ll get your lickle legth thcuttling round again very thoon!”
Crusty’s face was like a frozzen kipper!
“You can’t be me nurse! My Bel said ya’d be pretty and lickle and wearing a proper nurse’s outfit, but yer nowt like she described ya, AND ya’ve gor’a proper softy girly voice!”
Bel hadn’t described the nurse at all, but had allowed Crusty to believe whatever it was he wanted.
[I]“Don’t thtart gerrin thtroppy with me. You mutht do ath you’re told! I’m your nurth and you mutht do ath I thay!”
Sulk![/I]
Trust Bel to send the Incredible Hulk to him instead of a sweet little lass.
“Tssssk! Well ya’d best come in then!”
Delroy thtrode, I mean strode, past Crusty who was staring at him with his mouth open, eyes wide with fear and when the nurse took off his hat his head was as smooth as a billiard ball, and Crusty eyed him suspiciously.
“Haven’t I seen you in that film about Sinbad the Sailor? You were that big genie that lived in a bockle weren’t ya! How’ve ya getten out?”
“Don’t be thilly Cruthty. I’m nor’a genie, burra can perform a few miraclth 'coth I’m a very good nurth. I come with very high qualificathionth!”
“Any road up, wot d’ya mean yer me nurse? Nurses are nice lickle lasses wi’ pretty legs and things. Are you one o’ them softy nancy boys? I’ve come across some o’ your lot a couple o’ times!”
“Now Cruthty. I hope you’re not prejudithed againtht my thort of perthon. I’m a very good nurth, but if you’re a naughty boy I’ll thmack your botty for ya!”
“Bel, Bel help me Bel! Ya’ve got me a softy nancy boy’t look after me! Ger’away from me. Yer not coming near my botty!”
Paaaarip!
“Phew! Wor’a thtink! Yer right there my old chum. I’ll be keeping well and clear away from your botty for ath long ath I can my thweetheart! It’th not the thweetetht thmell I’ve ever thmelt! Now! Have ya had a washth with thoap and water today? Ya thmell a bit whiffy to me!”
“No I’ve not an’am not doing! I can do worra want in me own home!”
With that Crusty tried to scuttle off again, but he wasn’t up to his usual champion whooshing standards yet so Delroy caught him in mid-stride round the neck.
Bel had especially chosen Delroy to look after Crusty. She knew what Crusty’s reaction was going to be, but decided that the situation needed someone like Delroy to sort Crusty out. She’d also told him that Crusty enjoyed his food enormously and fortunately Delroy was a very good cook.
“Am bluddy hung …”
“Now then Cruthty. You go and have a washth. Better thtill have a shower, and I’ll cook you a nithe breakfatht if yer a really good boy and come back thmelling like a rothe!! Yer feet thtink thomething awful. I could thmell 'em ath thoon ath you opened the door!”
“A shower?”
“Yeth, a shower. Now wot would ya like for yer brekkie? How about thome deliciouth thauthageth, beanth, eggth, mushroomth, thome lovely thtreaky bacon and thome nithe fried bread?”
Crusty’s tongue slurped out of his head and it started dripping on the carpet.
“Sounds good to me Del Boy. Get cracking then.”
“Not until you’ve been upthtairth and cleaned yourthelf up, otherwithe you go hungry. Cleanlineth ith nextht to Godlineth!! It’th up to you! And me name’th DELROY!”
Crusty was always open to bribery, especially where food was concerned.
He tapped his hearing aid.
“Oh reet, okay!”
Countdown starts.
Five, four, three, two, one …
Ignition sequence starts.
[B][I]Zero!
Z o o m![/I][/B]
Well, he zoomed as fast as he could manage.
Delroy watched him dash off then, placing his hands on his hips, he threw his head back and laughed an earth shattering high pitched cackle, shaking his head in wonder at the same time.
Crusty was worried, and very nervous.
Paaarp, paaarp!
Five minutes later Crusty called down to Delroy, who was in the kitchen singing Thwing Low Thweet Chariot in a beautiful soprano voice, while he cleaned the mushrooms.
Just then Crusty started yelling his head off which stopped Delroy’s singing in its tracks.
“Del, Del, help me Del . I’ve getten stuck!”
“Jutht coming Cruthty. Worra ya thtuck on?”
“I’ve getten stuck in’t bog seat!”
Delroy started to climb the stairs and half way up he took a huge sniff through his rather large nose.
“Wor’a thtink! Wot’th that thmell Cruthty? It thtinkth terrible! Ith it sh!t I can thmell?”
“Sorry Del Boy. I were just in’t middle of a poo-poo when me bum slid into’t bog seat an’a cawn’t ger’out! I think I’ve getten’t squits again!”
“Thquitth? Well I can’t come in with that terrible pong lovey. Ith there an aerothol anywhere near ya that ya can thpray’t room with? Me eyeth have watered up!”
“Yeh, I’ve getten one here. Will I give it a couple o’ squirts?”
“Yeth pleathe. Thquirt it about four timeth at leatht and then I’ll be able’t breathe again. I didn’t know it wath going to be thith kind of a job. It’th no wonder Mith Leekey thed she’d pay me three timeth the going rate!”
He heard Crusty spraying the bathroom so took a lungful of “fresh” air then entered. Poor Crusty was well and truly stuck in the toilet seat. His big fat pimply backside was wedged tightly, and his trousers and Good Old Stinky were on the floor at his ankles.
It had been a happy reunion when Good Old Stinky had been found and was lovingly caressed by Crusty on his return from hospital. Crusty had caught him trying to hide behind the wardrobe away from Bel fearing she’d wash him, and he’d been right. Everything else had had a good dunking except for Good Old Stinky, but he knew it was only a matter of time before Bel got to him.
Crusty went white when Delroy entered, but there was no one else there to help him. Even his Bel would have drawn the line at this! She’d kill herself laughing if she could see him, but Crusty realised that he did need help and if she’d sent him Delroy then who was he to argue with his Bel?
“Right Cruthty. Let’th get yer pantth and knickerth up shall we to cover your embarrathment then I’ll have to try to drag yer botty out of the lavvy theat. Come on! You haven’t got anything I haven’t theen before!”
“I know! That’s worram worried about!”
Delroy pulled Crusty’s pants and knickers up as far as they’d go and his eyes watered up again with the smell from Good Old Stinky, then he hunkered down in front of him, put his arms around his back under his smelly armpits and gently started tugging, but Crusty was stuck fast. At every tug the toilet seat would lift up but he couldn’t get Crusty out.
“Ooh! Me bluddy eyeth are thtreaming. Ya could do with getting them knickerth in’t washing machine Cruthty, and yer thockth as well. They thtink rotten!”
“Ouch! Thar’urts Del Boy!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Me name’th Delroy, not Del Boy, Cruthty!”[/SIZE]
Tug, tug!
“Yer thtuck fatht Cruthty! I’ll have to get thome tholution from me bag and apply it to yer arthe tho ickle unthtick ya!”
“Yer not touching me arse! I’ve told ya that once. Get the solution an’ I’ll pur’it on meself!”
Delroy grinned again.
“Wotever you thay Cruthty. Ya can thpread it round yer arthe yerthelf and then I’ll try to haul ya out! Won’t be a tick thweety!”
“Okay, hurry up though 'cos am gerrin cowd sat here and don’t keep calling me sweetie!”
He was back in a jiffy with a tube of some cream and he handed it to Crusty.
“Ya can go and stand outside’t door an’ I’ll have a do meself. If I cawn’t manage I’ll give ya a shout!”
“Okay.”
As soon as Delroy disappeared again Crusty opened the tube and spread it as best he could around where his bum had wedged in the toilet seat then, placing both hands on the bit of seat available for leverage he started rocking to and fro then he pushed and with a mighty heave he managed to un-wedge himself.
[SIZE=“4”]Schlllllluck![/SIZE]
Paaaar-rip!
“It’s alright Del Boy. Ya can go back downstairs again now and get me brekkie ready please. I’ve managed’t ger’up now! I’ll ger’under’t shower an’ I’ll be down in five minutes for me hanching.”
If you could have seen Crusty’s backside right then you’d have seen a big red ring all around the outer perimeter where the toilet seat had made an indentation. With the red ring and the rest being white and pimply his arse favvered a NO ENTRY sign.
With a snigger and a rolling of the eyes, Delroy returned to the kitchen to cook his and Crusty’s breakfast, an exercise which was to be carried out every day for the foreseeable future until Delroy’s assistance was no longer required.
This was the first of such meetings, and Delroy was assigned to visit Crusty every day between nine-ish in the morning till four in the afternoon, and there were many more weeks to come.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Just as Delroy was preparing to leave on that first day, Bel put her key in the lock and let herself in.
“Crusty! It’s your Bel come a-caaaalling!”
“We’re in’t kitchen Bel. Come on in for a cup o’ tea!”
Her head appeared around the door and her eyes popped out of her head.
Delroy and Crusty were pulling tongues at each other, but quickly Crusty slurped his back and grinned at her.
“Wot the bluddy hell d’ya think you two are doing?”
“We’re having a tongue pulling competition Bel. Who’s getten’t longest tung? Look Bel!”
[SIZE=“3”]Blaaaah![/SIZE]
They both dropped their tongues out of their heads again and Bel pulled her face at them both, sticking her tongue out at them as well.
“Pur’em back in yer bluddy yeds. Tha’ both favvers weel!”
Sluuuurp!!
“Hiya Bel. I didn’t know you were coming a-caaaalling on me today. This is Del Boy! Bel?”
She rolled up her eyes.
“I know who Delroy is. How have you two been gerrin on? Have ya been okay with him Delroy? I know he can be a bluddy handful!”
“Bel?”
“Oh yeth we’ve been jutht fine Mith Leekey, we motht thertainly have. We’ve had a thmashing time. Me and Cruthty’ve gor’on like a houthe on fire.”
“Bel?”
“Haven’t we Cruthty old lad?”
“Yeth. I mean yes we have Del Boy. Bel?”
“Well I’m glad to hear it!”
“Bel?”
“I’m afraid he stinks like an owd stagnant ditch most of the time bur’is heart’s in reet place!”
[SIZE=“3”]“B e l?”[/SIZE]
“Wot?”
“I’ve forgetten worra wanted’t say now!”
“Well it can’t’ve bin important then!”
“Ya know summat Bel, Del Boy’s a beltin’ cook. He made me a beltin’ brekkie and summat good for me dinner, burra think he’s got to go now!”
“That’th right Cruthty. I mutht make trackth 'coth I’ve got a hot date thith evening with my Thethil, burrall be back in the morning to look after you again. We’ve reached an underthtanding now haven’t we?”
“We have that. Bel! Del Boy dun’t fancy me like that Trevor did, so I know I’ll be alright with him!”
“That’th right! I’d thooner fanthy Mith Leekey than you, no dithrethpect to you Mith Leekey! Whoothe thith Trevor anyway? He thoundth jutht like my thort of guy! Ith he cute?”
“Cute? No lad, he were just a scummy arsed owd bog brush. Ya wouldn’t’ve liked him Delroy!”
“Ooh! That’th thuch a shame! Pr’apth I’ll thtick with my Thethil then!”
“Anyway, I could never understand why anybody’d ever fancy you Crusty, ya smelly owd mogwump. Now then, after Delroy’s gone I want ya to scrape that shirt off yer back and I’ll ger’it in’t Crustamatic with some of yer other nasties, especially Good Owd Stinky. Have ya introduced them all to Delroy yet?”
“No, not yet Bel. Well, he’s met Good Owd Stinky. D’ya think it’s a good idea?”
“Yes! I think he ought to know wor’e’s lerrin himself in for. Here! I’ve getten ya a new wallpaper scraper for ya, bur’if that doesn’t work I’ll have’t hire a steam cleaner’t ger’it off yer festering back, and while yer at it get them bluddy socks scraped off an’ all. They stink bluddy rotten.”
Delroy felt a little faint and started fanning himself.
“That’th wot I’ve told him!”
“Ta Bel. I’ll give it a go later on! It might tek me a bit to ger’em chipped off though!”
She then turned back to Delroy again.
“He’s not been farting again has he Delroy?”
Crusty started tittering.
“Oh yeth he hath Mith Leekey. Ithn’t it terrible how much he can fart without following through with ploppith? Can’t thay I’ve ever heard anything like it in me life before!”
“Ya’ve not bin here five minutes. Wait till he stops holding 'em in!”
Delroy went grey in the face but grinned. He was getting very well paid indeed for this job.
“Has he done owt else tharra should know about?”
“Bel, Bel, me arse got stuck in’t bog seat, but Del Boy got me some solution an’a rubbed it on an’ then I managed’t ger’out!”
“I’m not surprised ya got yer arse stuck in’t bog, it’s big enough. It’s a good job Delroy was here to help ya wasn’t it or ya’d still be theer! Why didn’t ya just have one of yer mega-farts and blast yer way out? It’s like a bluddy nuclear explosion going off sometimes Del!”
Delroy started tittering.
“I don’t know. I never thowt about that Bel! Am a bit daft aren’t I?”
“A bit?”
“And Bel, and, Del Boy and me listened to me records and Del Boy enjoyed 'em, didn’t ya Del Boy?”
“Oh yeth! He hath thuch a magnifithent collection of recordth hathn’t he Mith Leekey, don’t ya think?”
“It’s just a load of owd crap he’s getten. Why? Wot did ya listen to that you found so fascinating?”
“Well he played hith Mickey and Griff LP for me, then he treated me to hith Vinth Hill LP and then Nina and Frederick. I can remember me dad uthed to play thothe LPth when I were jutht a little boy and it brought back a lot of memorith!”
“Well at least he’s got somebody willing to listen to them with him for a change 'cos I can’t stand 'em!”
“Well Mith Leekey, I’ll be off now then. I’ll be back tomorrow Cruthty at nine-ish tho make sure yer up and about and that you have a proper wash with thoap and water nextht time, or I’ll leave ya to fethter on yer own!”
“Okay, bye Del Boy and ta very muchly! See ya tomorrer! Have a nice time with Cecil!”
“Ta! Thee ya tomorrer Cruthty. Be a good boy until I return!”
“I will!”
And he was.
© Mollie M
01.12.03
Really enjoyed that Mollie, thanks for putting it on :-D:-D Loved the bit about Crusty getting stuck in the toilet seat… too much information! Glad it wasn’t me having to pull him out though!!