Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

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221

Poor owd cockle! :wink:

222

The End??? Nooooooooooooo
can’t be!

Poor old Crusty
I’m sure something will activate his single brain cell into coming out of the coma :smiley:

Wasn’t Bel brave with that bull? :mrgreen:

As to putting Crusty’s Capers on once a week, I think that is a good idea, in that the stories will last longer :wink: :slight_smile:

223

Thanks Carmen. :smiley:

224

Thanks Mollie , great read and very very funny , my s.o.h keep up the good work 
 ive only done 2 Chapters , so a bit of catching up to do 
 but i enjoy it more doing a chapter a night , if you know what i mean 


225

Aw, thanks for that, Dabby. Glad you’re enjoying them. I had to work out what s.o.h meant as I don’t read hieroglyphics! :mrgreen:

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I’m trying to work out what s o h is as well :slight_smile:

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It means “sense of humour” :wink:

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Oh thanks for that Carmen, I never would have got there myself :):slight_smile:

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Sorry Girls no more s.o.h. 
 Oooooooops i mean “sense of humour”

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well I kept thinking it was something or other to do with other half :slight_smile:

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Well Mollie , just finished (3) Crusty goes on holiday , brilliant , absolutely brilliant 
 so so funny .
Love the doughnuts like fannys... http://i48.tinypic.com/14wzzuu.jpg along with new yorks big apple and not to mention his crusticles , hes becoming a tight get .

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Thanks so much Dabby. I’m so glad you’re enjoying. His poor old crinkly crusticles become a very special feature in these stories! :mrgreen::mrgreen:

I’ll have to read Chapter 3 again meself 'cos I’ve forgotten, it’s so long ago now! :smiley:

Edit: Just familiarised myself with that chapter, but you wait until he meets his Bel. That’s where the fun really starts, as I’m sure Marian and Carmen will agree! :wink:

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[B][CENTER]132

Bel Prays
(but Crusty Slumbers on!)[/CENTER][/B]

It was almost three months later that Bel was sitting at Crusty’s hospital bedside. She’d been faithful and loyal to him all that time he’d been in the coma, visiting him at every opportunity and talking to him gently, telling him made-up stories to cheer him up. She’d even tried wafting meat pies under his nose, but there was still no response. She’d more or less handed the reins of her businesses over to her Managers, explaining to them that she would be taking a large amount of time off work. She’d had to ring Herr Skoffenchomp in Berlin and Herman T Clenchgripper in Dallas to also let them know of what had happened, and she put Vanda in charge of all of her UK businesses.

Everybody was truly sympathetic and Jim and the staff at the cafe told Bel that they’d pray for him. Even Faggie, Aggie and Maggie had tears in their eyes when told of Crusty’s latest predicament and wished him a speedy recovery.

“Poor owd farty arse! I hope he’s soon better lass!”

Bel was now a familiar face in the hospital and she’d been told by the experts that some people could survive for years in a coma and then, just as suddenly as they’d slipped into one, they could come out of it again. But Crusty was sixty eight years old!

Although he was totally unaware of it, for the last three months his private room in the hospital had been filled with flowers and get-well cards. As new cards arrived Bel took the older ones down and kept them in a box at home to show him when he came back to her.

She’d spoken to him of the many jaunts they’d taken and the mischief he’d got up to in the hope that something would stir in the deep recesses of his consciousness and bring him back. But, after all this time, she was losing the strength to help him fight through this new jaunt that he’d disappeared to on his own in the subterranean cavern in which there was no night and no day. He’d probably even found a coma outfit from somewhere!

She blamed herself for his being there because she should have realised earlier that melted plastic in the form that it took produced cyanide gas, and she’d allowed him to go back home and sleep with it, thereby causing more damage than would have been necessary. He wasn’t alive, but he wasn’t dead either. He was in some sort of twilight zone in between.

She’d just been reminding him about their trip to America, where he’d joined her at her board meeting and had met the Clenchgrippers and Chuck E Egge. He’d loved that trip and had laughed his smelly socks off at all the odd names he’d heard. She tried to remember as much of it as she possibly could in the hope that it would jog him out of his long sleep.

“Come on ya fat lazy owd fart! Ya’ve bin a-kip for long enough!”

It saddened her to remember him laughing, tittering and enjoying himself scampering around and seeing the way he was now. At Christmas, she’d put a little Santa hat on his head and sung him some carols which she knew he loved. She’d tried to tempt him back with promises of succulent meals to make him slurp, but he hadn’t known about it.

The hospital staff had tried many different ways of bringing him out of the coma, to no avail, but he was still holding his own with the aid of the life support. Then she had an idea but, before she tried it out, she first of all got the go ahead from the medical team that had been looking after him to make sure they approved.

“Yes! Please try that Miss Leekey. That’s an excellent idea and I hope it works! It’s worth trying absolutely anything in a situation like this. The mind is a very strange thing and it can react to almost anything, or not at all. It certainly can’t do any harm, but we’ll have to be in attendance when you try it!”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I’ve been singing to him, telling him stories, chatting to him gently and reminding him of all sorts of things. If he can hear me at all, this time it’ll sink in, I’m sure of it! I have to try it!”

No! She wasn’t going to give him a kick in the crusticles or choke him!

She was very nervous, but she forged ahead and returned to Crusty’s bedside where he lay; only the tubes and machines keeping him alive.

“Neh then owd fettler. How are ya doing today? It’s your Bel here again an’a want ya to listen to me very carefully owd lad, okay?”

There was no response, but it didn’t mean that he hadn’t heard her.

“Think back Crusty to when we were in the covered wagon on our jaunt across the prairie. Think back to that hot sunny day when we saw the Native Americans and you thought they were after us! Remember General Custard and owd Sh!tting Bull? Can ya do that for me lad? I’ll give ya a minute or two to remember!”

Much to the surprise of the doctor who was present, she started singing, and he looked at her as if she’d gone completely mad. But nobody knew Crusty like Bel did.

“D’ya remember this song ya sung for me owd lad?”

[CENTER]Home, home on the range
Where I cook me some praties fer tea
Where seldom is heard
The owd squawk of a bird
'Cos I’ve ett thar’as well for a feed![/CENTER]

“Ya really made me laugh with that one, me smelly owd mogwump!”

She waited for a few more moments. The doctor who was with her in the room was a neurologist and he wanted to see if there was any reaction to Bel’s idea.

Then, when she yelled at the top of her lungs, she scared him to death. In fact, the whole hospital shook!

[SIZE=“3”]“Crusty! Crusty! Help me Crusty! Your Bel needs ya. We’re bein’ attacked owd lad an’a need yer help! Crusty owd fettler? Come over here and help save your Bel! If ya don’t they might scalp me then wockle I do without any hair? They might kill me owd lad then wot will ya do without your Bel? If ya doesn’t come an’ help me reet now I’ll gi’ thi’ a bluddy good duffing over ya farty-arsed owd tramp!”[/SIZE]

Bel sat back and crossed her fingers, praying as hard as she could, but there was nothing. Then she decided to call in a higher authority.

“Oh Lord. It’s me, Bel. Crustabel the Mighty, remember? I certainly hope yer listening to me today 'cos I really, really need yer help. I know I’ve not been the best person in the world, burra don’t think I’m the worst either. I’d like to talk to ya about Crusty. Remember him?”

The Lord was very surprised to hear from Bel, but He was listening and on hearing Crusty’s name He started perspiring so He thumped down in His throne and lit a cig.

“Hey up. Wot’s he gone an’ done this time?”

“It’s like this Lord. A while back I thought I’d lost him for good, but you allowed him to come back to me and, when he did, Crusty told me that it had all been a big mistake and that he wasn’t expected in Heaven till 2020! Well anyway, I don’t want to frikken ya’t deeth burra think he’s on his way to ya any time now, and it’s only 2003!”

The Lord’s beard raised up horizontally and stood on end in a point, as did His long flowing locks.

“Nor’if I can help it? Wot’s up wi’ him this time? Neh then! Let’s have a look in me book and see wot’s goin’ on!! I cawn’t keep track of everybody all’t time!”

He consulted his Ailment Book and checked the two columns which were headed DESPATCH / RE-MATCH.

He ran his finger down the columns mumbling to himself.

234

"Nibbleswick, Nibbleswick, Nibbleswick. Crusty Nibbleswick. Mmmm! Most strange. He’s not bin written in’t book, AN’ HE’S NOT BIN WRITTEN OFF EITHER! Hee hee hee! Ahem. Sorry! I will have my little joke!"

While He was doing this He was still listening to Bel’s plea for Crusty’s survival and the Lord bit down hard on His knuckles and had a think.

“Dear Lord. I’ll repeat my last prayer that I made when Crusty died for those few minutes a couple of years ago. I’ll do anything if only ya’ll bring him back to us. I know ya don’t want him up there wi’ you!”

The Lord nodded his head sagely in agreement.

“He’ll only moider everybody to bluddy death. Oh, well, he can’t actually moider them to death ‘cos they’re already dead, but ya know worra mean! He’s bin like this now for about three months an’ it can’t be doin’ him much good. He were bluddy daft to start off with, burram just praying thar’e’ll not be a bluddy cabbage when he does come round. I know I’m supposed to stand up and hold me arms in’th air burram in’t middle of a hospital an’ if I did that they’d cart me off to’t bluddy loony ward so I hope ya’ll forgive me for just this once! It’s all my fault he’s in this condition 'cos I should’ve known he’d be poorly after breathing in that stuff so I’d sooner ya punish me than him as it’s nor’is fault! Sorry about the swearing Lord burram proper worried about th’owd fart!”

The Lord shifted uncomfortably in His throne.

Another ten minutes went by with no result so she sadly got up and made her way to the door. She looked at the neurologist and gave him a weak smile and he patted her arm.

“What a pity. I’ve never thought of yelling at someone and getting angry with them before, but it was a good idea.”

“Oh well. It was worth a try I suppose. Doctor! Can somebody sit with him please while I just go for a cup of 
”

“Mnyam, mnyam, mnyam. Jusht coming Bel! I can hear ya. Am on me way! Your Crushty’ll shave ya! Weer amma? Am bluddy hungry! Bel, Bel, weer are ya owd lassh? Wor’ave ya gor’up to? Crushty’sh comin’ to shave ya!”

Paaar-rip!

Bel flew back to his side, laughing and crying at the same time.

“Calm down owd lad, calm yerself down. Yer alright. Your Bel’s here. Oh Crusty!”

She dropped into the chair at the side of his bed and threw her arms over his belly. She sobbed long and hard and Crusty couldn’t work out what was wrong with her.

“Woshup owd lassh? Worra ya shkrykin’ for? It’sh only your Crushty a-talking to ya! Weer havva bin?” Weer amma? Am proper confushed! Who are you?"

Bel started crying harder, her eyes streaming with tears and she started blubbering.

“I’m your Bel. Don’t ya know me owd lad?”

“Courshe I know you Bel, but who’sh that man theer behind ya and wot’sh everybody running round me bed like blue-arshed fliesh for? Wor’amma doin’ in bed at thish time o’ day anyway? Wot time ish it? Ish it time’t go’t work? Am bluddy hungry Bel. Will ya make me a nishe pan o’ lobbiesh?”

Bounce, bounce!

“I will that lad!”

“Weer’sh me bluddy teeth? I thowt I were talking funny!”

She looked up and noticed that a team had come rushing in when the neurologist had summoned them, telling them that at long last the Crusty had returned from his jaunt through Never, Never Land and appeared to be no worse off for his ordeal.

“Yer alreet owd fettler. Yer in hospital and these doctors and nurses are here to help ya! Oh! It’s proper good to talk to ya again me owd dumpling!”

Bounce, bounce!

"I could jusht ayte shome dumplingsh Bel, and shome chipsh and mushy peysh and carrotsh, an’ everything! Why amma so bluddy hung 
 Hoshpickal? Wor’amma doin’ in 'oshpickal? Worrava gone and done at meshelf thish time Bel? Havva bin poorly?"

“Questions, questions, questions! Try to stay calm Crusty and I’ll answer all the questions ya want but for now, let the doctor have a look at ya, okay?”

“Don’t leave me on me own Bel!”

“I won’t. I promise. I’m going absolutely nowhere owd lad. I’ll be right here at your side!”

“Ta Bel.”

Bounce, bounce!

The doctors gave him a thorough examination and were satisfied that he’d returned to being as normal as he ever could be and there was no real damage done, so they removed the ventilator which Crusty had almost swallowed when he was bouncing up and down and asking questions. One of the doctors put a stethoscope to Crusty’s chest to listen to his heart and lungs, and Crusty’s tongue dangled out.

“It’sh bluddy cowd that! D’ya keep it in’t freezher?”

The doctor hadn’t heard him properly and asked him to repeat what he’d said so Crusty lifted the stethoscope from his chest and yelled into it.

“I shed it’sh bluddy cowd thish! D’ya keep it in’t freezher?”

The doctor shot back from him and ripped the earpieces from his banging ears.

“Wot short of an 'earing aid ish that? It’sh a proper fanchy 'un that. Can I have one ‘cosh I’m deef an’ all?”

The doctor grinned at him, glad to have him back.

“Mister Nibbleswick please don’t shout down my stethoscope. You nearly deafened me. With this I can listen to your heart beat and to your lungs. Please, just lie back and relax old boy while I do this little examination!”

Crusty winked at Bel, who rolled up her eyes, and he laid back on his pillow while they completed their tests, tongue at full dangle.

She gave a little rueful smile, her eyes awash with tears.

He was back!

The doctors continued with their examinations for a couple of hours or so, including brain scans, and they checked his vital organs to make sure nothing had been damaged too extensively from the long period in the coma. Of course, his muscles had weakened from the long stay in one position in bed, and physiotherapy was going to have their work cut out to get him back on his feet and have him lolloping about again.

Crusty was getting bored but Bel had stayed with him all the time, hardly daring to leave his side.

“Worra they all doin’ at me Bel? Havva bin dead again only I cawn’t remember talking to God and Shaint Peter and John Lennon thish time?”

The medical team stared at him.

“Hush now Crusty. No lad, ya’ve not bin dead this time. Wot’s the last thing ya can remember?”

He thought for a little while.

One of the doctors pulled Bel over to one side, looking very unhappy.

“Miss Leekey. I’m sorry but judging from the peculiar things he’s saying and his actions it looks as if he’s suffered some permanent brain damage so I’ll 
”

“No he’s not! He’s always like this. That’s the normal Crusty you’re seeing!”

“Oh, I am so sorry. You have my sympathy!”

235

Suddenly Crusty piped up.

“Well I remember when you were in that bullring in Shpain Bel and ya threatened that bull. Ya towd it that ya’d carve it up for yer freezher if it came after ya an’a think ya told it that ya’d kick it in’t crushticlesh as well!”

Everybody gawped at Crusty, and then at Bel.

“Yer reet theer owd lad. I ended up patting it on’t yed! Wor’else can ya remember?”

“There wush me party at your houshe Bel. That bluddy Trevor were there! I remember him danshing me round’t room an’a were feeling proper dizzhy, burra can’t remember owt elshe after that except 
! Wor’appened to me?”

“All in good time lad. I want ya to get strong again before we go into more detail! Okay?”

“Okay Bel. Yer allersh right about everything!”

“I know!”

“Bel?”

“Wot?”

“Am bluddy hungry. How long ish it shinsh I had shummat t’ayte?”

“Well its bin a while owd lad but we’ll have to see wot the doctor says before ya can have a feed!”

Bounce, bounce!

"I don’t care wot they shay Bel. AM BLUDDY HUNGRY AN’A WANT SHUMMAT T’AYTE RIGHT NOW OR I’LL SHTINK Y’ALL OUT!"

Bel put her hand over his mouth to shut him up and his tongue flopped over her fingers.

“Shurrup and get yer tung back in yer yed! Ya’ve slavvered all over me hand! Don’t start! It’s bin bluddy quiet since 
”

She took her hand away and he slurped his tongue back into his mouth.

“Shinsh wot Bel? How long havva bin here?”

She sighed. He had every right to know.

“Almost three months, owd lad!”

[SIZE=“3”]“Almosht three monthsh? Why’ve I bin here almosht three monthsh? Wor’appeneded to me? Wor’about me lickle job at the caff? When can I go wom? When do I get shummat to bluddy ayte? How come nobody’sh bin feeding me? How much weight havva losht? When willa 
?”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=“4”]“S H UUUU T - UUUUUUP!”[/SIZE]

PAAAAAAAAA-RIP!

“Reet Bel. Shutting up now!”

During this discourse the medical staff had all backed into a corner, fearing Crusty’s outburst. They breathed a sigh of relief when they realised that Bel knew exactly how to handle him so returned to their duties.

It was amazing that he was able to speak at all considering the length of time his clack had been idle, and the fact that he was more concerned about his belly than anything else.

“Bel?”

“Wot?”

“D’ya think I could have a meyt pie Bel, pleashe Bel? Have ya not brought any buttiesh wi’ ya?”

“Listen owd lad. I’ve bin coming to see ya every day for nearly three months. I’ve hardly slept an’ave not bin to work proper because I’ve wanted to be wi’ you. There wasn’t a lorra point bringing butties every day luv!”

“Oh. Okay Bel! Ish there a caff in here where we can go for a bite then? Weer’sh me bluddy teeth! I cawn’t have a bluddy good hanch bowt teeth!”

“I’ve getten 'em in’t drawer here owd lad. They’re sat in theer grinning away, so don’t worry.”

She opened the bedside drawer and he looked inside. They sat there gleaming so he snatched them out and pushed them into his mouth.

“That’s better!”

“Look around ya Crusty. Look at all the flowers and cards and everything that people have sent ya. Jim’s been to visit ya a few times and had a chat with ya and Faggie, Maggie and Aggie and even Roy have been a couple of times too! They all miss ya, ya know?”

He started scanning round and his eyes opened wide like a child in a chocolate factory.

“Do they Bel? All these cards and flowers are proper nice so will ya thank 'em for me? When will ya tell me why I’m here Bel? If I’ve bin here for nearly all this time it must’ve bin proper serious. Havva been asleep all that time like Rip Van Winkle in that bedtime story ya told me once?”

“Yes lad, you have!”

“I must’ve bin bluddy tired then. It’s all that work ya keeps making me do!”

“No it’s not. It was a different kind of sleep ya were in. Now then! I want you to be a good boy for me, and for the doctors, and have a nice little sleep then, when ya wakes up, ya’ll ger’a good brekkie!”

“Have a nice lickle sleep? I’ve bin asleep for three month! I’ll not be able’t go back to sleep until I’ve had a feed!”

“Alright then. I’ll speak to the doctor about it but try to lie back and rest for now. That’s a good lad!”

She went over to ask the doctor if he could have some food but the doctor shook his head. Bel put her hands on her hips and whispered fiercely to him then he sighed and nodded his head, just once.

“But only a small amount of soup, that’s all for now!”

“Thanks doctor! The staff wouldn’t get any peace at all if you’d left him there with his belly empty!”

Bel told Crusty that she was going for something for him to eat and to behave himself while she was gone so she left him lying there with a huge grin, the chimpy chops splitting his face in two, and excitement in his eyes.

As soon as she got into the corridor she collapsed on a chair and started to cry in huge braying sobs. She cried and cried for what seemed like an eternity then she looked up at the ceiling.

“Thank you, oh thank you so much. I know ya only ler’im come back 'cos you didn’t want him yet an’a can’t blame ya, bur’it’s proper good to speak to him again, even if he is bluddy daft!”

She went into the nearby toilet and swished water on her face then patted it dry with a paper cloth, and looked at herself in the mirror.

“Right! Crustabel Fairy Leekey! From now on you treat that farty-arsed festerin’ owd turd with some sort o’ respect. No more slaps, cracks, smacks or pelts round’t yed 'cos he’s bluddy daft enough!”

She went to the cafeteria and got some nice chicken soup for him and a buttered barm cake. It was handed to her in a vacuum flask to keep it hot on her way back along the many corridors to his room.

“Reet owd lad. Look at wor’ave got for ya here! I’ve getten some chicken soup an’ a buttered barm cake. I’ll pour some into the little cup for ya!”

She helped him sit up better and tidied the pillows behind him then pushed the trolley table up to his belly. Then she poured out a little of the soup and gave him just a small piece of the bread roll.

“Is thar’all am gerrin? Am bluddy hungry Bel. Givvit me all!”

“No lad. Just a little at a time. Don’t forget, yer stomach’s getten used to doing without food for a long while, and if ya starts yer bluddy hanching and grumphing it’ll only make ya sick and ya’ll throw it all back up again. Ya know ya can trust your Bel, don’t ya?”

“Yis Bel. I’ll always trust ya. Gimme me grub!”

[B][I]“If ya don’t behave yer bluddy self I’ll pour it o’er thi’ yed, now stop being so bluddy greedy!”

“Wot d’ya mean GREEDY? I’ve had nowt t’ayte for’t last three month so how can I be being greedy?”[/I][/B]

Bel was trying to calm down. She’d forgotten how difficult he could be. She’d sat talking to him for almost quarter of a year and he hadn’t been able to whine or whinge or squawk at her.

“Alright lad, if that’s the way ya want it. Here y’are. Ya can have the full vacuum flask of soup and the whole barm cake. Neh! Ger’em etten!”

“Ta Bel!”

He hanched into the barm cake and drank the soup directly from the flask until his cheeks were bulging.

[B][I]Gaaaaramph, grumph!

Boip![/I][/B]

A moment later the food hit his stomach and he turned green.

“Bel?”

“Wot?”

“I feel sick Bel.”

“Serves thi’ reet. I’ll see ya tomorrow with some nice things! Nurse! Crusty’s about to throw up!”

“Bel, Bel, help me Bel!”

“See ya tomorrer owd lad! I’m off!”

© Mollie M
19.11.03

236

Another good read Mollie :slight_smile:

Ahhhh, I hoped he would return to the land of the living :mrgreen:

Typical fella, not listening to reason about the food :lol:

237

He’s not out of the woods yet, but I’m glad you’re still enjoying reading about him. :smiley:

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Oh I do enjoy reading about him - I even feel as if I know him :shock: :lol:

239

Aw glad to hear he’s back in the land of living :slight_smile: was worried about him for a minute! Like Carmen says, typical bloke not listening to reason about food!! I also feel as if I know him very well :-D:-D

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That’s the nicest compliment I’ve had. To feel as if you know him brings him to life as if he’s a real person. Thanks so much. :slight_smile: