Yeh thanks for that Marian. Sorry I’ve not been around as much lately, but I’m glad you enjoyed that. 
Oh yes, another good read Mollie 
Laughed at the bit about Crusty’s bum looking like a No Entry sign 
[B][CENTER]135
Crusty Has His Greatest Sulk
(and Gets the Bird!)[/CENTER][/B]
At nine thirty the following morning Delroy once again tapped lightly on Crusty’s front door, which was flung open immediately. Crusty had been hiding behind the door with an angry frown on his face waiting for his nurse to come, as Delroy had been expected at nine.
“Yer late! I thowt ya’d be coming at nine o’clock, bur’it’s turned half past an’am bluddy hungry!”
Delroy breezed past Crusty happily and quite oblivious to Crusty’s discontent. He was H-A-P-P-Y this morning. Delroy was H-A-P-P-Y every morning. He turned to Crusty brightly, smiling with a grin from ear to ear.
“Good morning Cruthty my thweetheart. I trutht you had a pleathant evening after I left latht night!”
“How come yer late?”
“I’m not late thweety. I wath early yethterday. It’ll be nine thirty every morning from now on, tho don’t get yer thmelly old knickerth in a twitht!”
“Oh! So wot do we do today then Del Boy?”
“Well, today we’re going to thtart on a nithe breakfatht and I do detect that ya’ve had a proper washth thith morning, tho I’ll get thtraight onto it. D’ya want the thame ath yethterday?”
“Yis please Del Boy. It were bluddy good that. It never tastes like that when I cook a brekkie. So, wot d’ya want me to do?”
“You can clean thothe little bitth of thoil off the mushroomth and then put them in a bowl for when I’m ready for them. I’ll do the retht! In fact, why don’t you go and put one of yer lovely recordth on inthtead and we can thing along to the thongth while we’re working!”
Crusty’s face beamed. There was actually someone who wanted him to sing for a change, and someone who actually enjoyed listening to his records with him without whinging! He didn’t realise that this was all part of his get well therapy! He put his Doris Day LP on and he and Delroy sang along to the songs at the tops of their voices, then he put on his George Formby LP and they laughed their heads off at the songs.
Over the next few months Delroy and Crusty became the closest of pals. They’d eat, sing, eat, play board games, eat, do exercises, sing, dance, eat and, when he was almost back to maximum zooming condition, Delroy would take him on little jaunts in his car to some rather gay places where Crusty became centre of attention.
But Crusty was past caring and he wasn’t worried anymore because none of them were like Trevor. Surprisingly enough, nobody fancied him, but Delroy was a hugely popular chap. Of course, when Bel found out where Delroy was taking the Crusty she put a stop to it at once and reminded Delroy in no uncertain terms of what his duties to Crusty were.
“I am tho thorry Mith Leekey. I never meant any harm to come to our little Cruthty. I jutht thought he wath a bit bored tho I took him out to meet thome of my friendth. I introduthed him to Thethil, you know, my thpecial friend, and a few otherth and they were very nithe to him. Motht of them backed away when they got a whiff of him though! Hith feet are terrible, but you really should have told me about the lucky kipper and the thauthegeth he keepth in hith turn-upth. It wath motht embarrathing in front of my friendth!”
“Well, that’s no surprise at all. Okay Del. There’s no harm done, but no more eh Delroy, okay?”
“Wotever you thay Mith Leekey. No more tripth out!”
Crusty had been watching them, his head swivelling on his neck from one side to the other as each spoke in turn.
“Havva done summat bad Bel?”
“No lad. It’s okay. I know ya must be bored stiff so I’ll start taking you out a bit more now tharrave more or less caught up wi’ me back-log of work. Where d’ya fancy going owd lad?”
“Blackpool!”
“Er … can we not try somewhere different? I like Blackpool owd lad, burra wouldn’t mind trying somewhere different for a change.”
“Okay Bel. I’ll leave it to you. Ya can surprise me. Ya’d best ger’off now Bel as me exercises are about to start. Am doing proper weel though am’t I Bel?”
“You are lad. I knew Delroy would be good for ya an’a know he’s making ya work hard, burra ber’it dun’t feel like it ‘cos yer havin’ a lorra fun wi’ him aren’t ya?”
“I am that Bel. He makes it seem dead easy, burra must admit am knackeroonied when he goes! Anyway Bel, ya’d best be off now!”
“Are you trying’t get rid o’ me owd lad!”
“Er … not really Bel. Have ya not gor’a board meeting ya’ve got to go to, or summat?”
"No. Well I’ll treat ya to summat special soon lad. We’ll not be needing Delroy for much longer now so I’ll …
S c r e e e e e c h! S q u a w k! W ai ai ai ai l!!
“Wossup wi’ thee?”
Crusty’s eyes had filled with tears and they were rolling down his little cheeks, his bottom lip had curled right under and he was sobbing his poor old heart out.
“Wot’s up Crusty? Wotever’s to do wi’ ya?”
Delroy stood on the sidelines with a sad look on his face.
“Bel, Bel, I don’t want Del Boy to go. I’ve got used to him coming a-visiting me every day and the fun we’ve had while he’s been here!”
Bel’s heart of stone suddenly melted and she bent down and put her arm around his shoulders. She knew this might happen as it so often happens that patients can form a special bond with their carers.
“Come over here me owd maggoty little poo bag pigmy and sit yerself down. There’s no need to get into such a state! Delroy, pass me some paper hankies from over there will ya please?”
She dabbed his eyes then placed a clean extra large man size tissue over his nose into which he honked loudly blowing a hole clean through it.
Bel grimaced.
“Delroy, get me a flannel to wipe me hand with please. He’s blown his bluddy owd snotty conk on me fingers.”
“Sorry Bel!”
“Ne’ mind lad. Now then Crusty listen to me. You always knew that Delroy was only going to be here temporarily. I didn’t ger’im for ya as a Christmas present ya know like some people get little puppies. Delroy’s a nurse and once he’s finished here he’s got other people to look after and have fun with.”
“I know Bel, burra don’t know worrall do without Del Boy. I’ve getten used to having him around now. Canna not keep him?”
Sniffle, sob!
“I’ll be very thad to leave you too Cruthty my old mate. But we can thtill thee each other from time to time if you want to. I could call round thometimeth and we could jutht thit and watchth a film or thomething if ya fanthy. I like to try to keep in touch with my old patientth whenever I can, but I can’t keep in touch with all of them!”
Crusty brightened a little.
“Ta Del Boy. Thar’d be great, bur’ickle not be’t same as having ya here all’t time!”
Bel gave his shoulders a gentle squeeze, which nearly dislocated his collar-bone and almost put his neck out of joint.
"Ouch, thar’urt!
“Sorry lad! Well why don’t ya ger’a little pet to play with. Wor’about a little hamster, or a pot bellied pig … er … on second thoughts, forget the pig. There’s enough wi’ one running about in this house! But ya could ger’a nice little ferret or even a cute little rat to play with. Summat like that would keep ya company!”
“I’ll think about it Bel. Thank you for being so understanding burra still don’t see why Del Boy can’t come every day for ever!”
Sulk!
“Crusty! Have you gor’owt planned for tonight?”
“No Bel. I’ve never gor’owt planned 'cos I’ve not bin outside since I gor’out of 'ospickal, except for when Del Boy took me out in his car. Why?”
“Well, in that case, I’m going to come back later an’am bringing a video with me which we can sit and watch together. When ya’ve seen it ya’ll probably understand why Delroy can’t stay with you forever, okay lad?”
“Okay Bel! Well, ya’d best be off now then!”
“I’ve not done yet!”
She then turned to Delroy who’d watched this little scene and she noticed that he too had tears in his eyes.
“So Delroy! Wot d’ya think? Is he more or less ready to be cut loose on his own again? Is he back up to champion whooshing standards d’ya think?”
Sniffle!
Delroy dabbed at his eyes with a lace hankie.
Sob!
“Oh yeth Mith Leekey. He’th done ecthtremely well. He’th tried tho hard and at timeth he’th almotht been in tearth with the difficultieth he’th had to endure, but he’th carried on regardleth. He’th a real little trooper tho I’m quite confident now that he’ll be able to manage on hith own!”
“Thank you Del. Okay then, we’ll get the rest of this week out and then we can dispense with the rest of your services, but I’d like to take this opportunity of thanking you for everything. You’ve done a brilliant job and it can’t have been easy for you. I know wor’e’s like! It’s up to you, but if ya want to keep in touch wi’t th’owd farter here yer more than welcome!”
“Thankth Mith Leekey. Right, come on Cruthty, let’th get thtarted on yer ectherthitheth and then I’ll make a nithe din-dinth a bit later on!”
“Reet, ta-ra Bel!”
That was her dismissed.
On her way out to her car, Crusty’s next door neighbour was also just coming out wearing her thick tweed brown suit, clompy shoes, her thin grey hair tied up in a twist at the top of her head and small steel framed glasses. She was quite tall but painfully thin and was extremely religious so Bel had to mind her p’s and q’s.
“Hello Miss Persimmon. How are you today?”
“Oh, hello there Miss Leekey. I’m fine. How’s Mister Nibbleswick coming along? There’s been a rather odd looking chap coming and going from his house for the last few months.”
“Oh that’s Delroy, Crusty’s nurse and home help. I got him for Crusty privately because I can’t take care of him all the time now he’s out of hospital, but he’s coming along very well. Sadly for Crusty, Delroy will be finishing at the end of this week and Crusty will be able to manage on his own again, thank goodness. I’ve just been telling him he could do with a pet to keep him company!”
“How nice! What sort of pet?”
“I don’t know. A budgie perhaps or something like that, that he can talk to!”
“Oh I see. Well Miss Leekey, I’ll bid you good day. I’m on my way to Church to see to the flower arrangements for a funeral this afternoon!”
“Well I’ll not keep you. Nice to see you again! Er … don’t let Crusty know about the funeral though please!”
“Alright then. Nice to see you again too, Miss Leekey!”
As promised Bel returned later at around eight o’clock and Crusty was ready for her. He brewed them a cup of tea and Bel put the video into the machine. He sat on the settee next to her hugging his knees with his arms, and rocking away in his excitement to sit and watch a film with his Bel.
“Wot’s this story about Bel?”
“Why, it’s about two little children that wrote a letter asking for a nice nanny to come and look after them and their wish came true. She could do all sorts of magical things. She made them clean their rooms and made it fun and played games with them and she was really, really wonderful.”
“Wor’appeneded then Bel?”
"Well she stayed until the wind changed and …
Paaaarp! Brrrrip!
“Sorry Bel!”
“Phew … then she had to leave because there were other little boys and girls that needed her as well, but the children were very, very sad and didn’t want her to go!”
“Just like me and Del Boy?” he said, sadly.
“Yes lad. Just like you and Del Boy … Delroy! Now then, let’s sit back and watch the film. I’m not telling you any more otherwise it’ll spoil the story. It’s called Mary Poppins!”
“Okay Bel!”
Crusty thoroughly enjoyed the film and sang along to the songs, some of which he vaguely knew. Bel was right as usual. It did help him to understand why Delroy had to move on to someone else who needed him, but Crusty was still very sad.
During their final lunchtime together a few days later, the atmosphere was heavy with sadness and instead of being his usual exuberant self, Delroy was feeling almost depressed.
“I thay - Cruthty? D’ya fanthy thome rhubarb and apple crumble with thome lovely cuthtard for yer afterth? I’ve put thome lovely thinnamon in it to give it that exthtra tang!”
Crusty’s mood was no better than Del’s and he answered in a small voice.
“Yis please Del Boy. Thar’d be proper nice, ta!”
They ate their lunch in virtual silence then played snakes and ladders and other board games until four o’clock, with Delroy winning every game.
The dreaded hour arrived and Delroy picked up all his belongings, placed his sunglasses on his nose and his large black Fedora hat on his head and looked down at Crusty. Crusty looked up at him and stifled back the sobs which he knew would come.
[I]Sniffle!
Snuffle![/I]
[B][I]“OH CRUTHTY, ME FARTY ARTHED OWD PATIENT! I’M GOING TO MITH YA TERRIBLY.”
“AM GOIN’T MISS YOU AN’ ALL DEL BOY! WAAAAAAH!”[/I][/B]
With that they gave each other a hug and Delroy just checked himself in time before he gave Crusty a big kiss on the top of his head.
“Bye, bye Cruthty. I promith I’ll call and thee you again very thoon!”
Sob!
“Bye, bye Del Boy. It was a lorra fun having you around. Promise ya’ll givvus a ring sometime?”
“Promith! I’ll be theeing ya owd lad, and don’t forget to keep yerthelf clean!”
As Crusty closed the door on Delroy for the last time, Crusty slid his back down the door to the floor and onto his knees and cried and cried for ages. He was going to miss Del Boy an awful lot.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Monday morning was fresh and clear, so Crusty decided to have a stand at his back door for a five minute sulk in the fresh air.
“Good morning Mister Nibbleswick!”
Crusty’s head spun round trying to find where the voice came from, then he saw her over the fence.
“Oh good morrow Miss Percymon. Are ya alreet? Have ya seckled into yer new home now!”
“My name is Persimmon! I’m very well thank you Mister Nibbleswick, and yes I’ve settled in quite well now, thank you for asking. I was speaking to Miss Leekey the other day and I asked about you. You’ve been very lucky, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to behold!”
“Tha’ reet theer Miss Percymon bur’He does alreet by us dun’t He? He’s a nice bloke. I met Him a few year ago now when I de’ed an’a ended up in this big room where He were sat reading a golden book, burra shouldn’t’ve bin there. It had all bin a big mistake so He clod me back down here again!”
“Er … yes … quite! I’m glad I’ve seen you Mister Nibbleswick because Miss Leekey told me that you were thinking about getting a pet.”
“Aye, I wouldn’t mind a nice lickle budgie or summat like that tharra could talk to!”
“Well you are in the most incredible luck. My nephew emigrated to New Zealand three weeks ago and he had a caged bird which I took off his hands. I promised him I’d look after it, but unfortunately I find now that I can’t keep it so I wondered if you’d like to take it in!”
“Oooh great. I’ll have’t ask my Bel first though. Canna call round later on when I’ve spoken to her!”
Miss Persimmon smirked.
“Yes of course. I’ll be in all day and all evening so just pop round anytime you like and let me know about the bird!”
“Ta! Oh! I’ve just thowt! There’s a Miss Persimmon in Mary Poppings!”
Crusty scuttled back into the house full of excitement and picked up the telephone to call his Bel.
Drrrring, drrring.
“Good morning, Leekey Bathrooms. How may I help you?”
“Vandal! Is that you?”
“No, this is Linda. Did you want to speak to Vanda? She’s the Manager at Leekey Plumbing now!”
“No!”
The receptionist was a little confused which isn’t really surprising.
“Well who do you wish to speak with sir?”
“I want to speak to my Bel!”
“Your bell? Oh, that must be you Mister Nibbleswick. I was warned … I’ve heard a lot about you. Hold on a second!”
He started to get impatient but he was only on hold for a few moments then suddenly he heard his Bel’s voice.
“Worra ya moidering me at work for?”
“Sorry Bel, burra I only want to ask ya a quick question. Canna have a budgie?”
“A budgie! Course ya can. It’ll keep ya quiet. Ya didn’t have’t ask me that now ger’off the line and stop yer moidering. I’ll call round later’t have a look at it! Er … where are ya gerrin it from?”
“Ta Bel! I’m gerrin it from next door. Ya know me next door neighbour Dafty Percymon? Well she towd me she’s got one but she’s fed up of it so her’s clodding it out, so I thowt I’d have it. Wot do they do Bel?”
“They squawk a lot like you so ya’ll havva lor’in common, and yer neighbour’s name’s Daphne Persimmon, not Dafty Percymon! Now I’m hanging up 'cos I’m busy. I’ll see ya later owd lad!”
Bel arrived later that day and went to look at Crusty’s new pet. He’d wasted no time after speaking to his Bel and had lolloped around to Miss Persimmon’s as soon as he’d hung up, collecting his bird.
When Bel arrived it was sat in the middle of the tall dome-like cage, head down with its beak touching the newspaper, which lined the bottom, its eyes were closed and its arse was sticking up. Its feathers were bedraggled as if somebody had thrown some water at it and when it looked up, it had the meanest little eyes you could imagine.
Squawk!
It was the sorriest looking specimen you’ve ever seen in your life and Bel felt truly sorry for it
She rolled up her eyes and rounded on Crusty.
“That’s nor’a bluddy budgie! It’s a sodding great African Grey parrot ya daft looking bugger. Don’t ya know’t difference? I can see yer gerrin back to yer normal daft self again!”
[B][I]“Oh reet! I thowt it were big for a budgie! How was I to know? Stop shouting at me Bel! It’s not fair. Am allers gerrin in bother wi’ you!”
“Well! It favvers bluddy weel. It looks as if it could do wi’ seein’ a vet. It looks ready’t turn its bluddy toes up! Just look at the bluddy state of it. I ber’it’s owder than thee!”[/I][/B]
The parrot looked up slyly and smirked!
“Sorry Bel! I thowt it looked a bit worn out. Will ya tek me to’t vet with it then please? How much will it cost?”
“I will that, and ne’ mind how much it’ll cost. On second thoughts I’d best tek it meself otherwise the vet won’t know which of ya he’s got to examine!”
“Good poink Bel!”
“Ya’ll have’t ger’it a couple o’ perches and some toys to play with. It can’t keep sitting on’t bottom o’t bluddy bird cage like that an’ it looks bored to buggery!”
“I’ll get some tomorrer then. When will ya take it to’t vet’s?”
“I’ll book an appointment and ger’it looked over!”
She went right up to the cage and put her face close to the bars to have a closer look at the bird.
“I wonder if it can talk!”
Suddenly the bird leapt up from its sitting position and, fluttering up, it grabbed hold of the bars with its huge claws then gave her a hard peck on the nose with its beak.
Donk!
“P!ss orf you old bag! Good boy. Who’s a pretty boy?”
“Ouch! Me bluddy nose ya beady eyed little bag o’ bird sh!t! Tha’ll not do thar’again in a bluddy hurry and thar’owt but bluddy pretty ya ugly arsed little sod!”
She backed away from it holding onto her nose and the bird fluttered back down onto the newspaper.
Crusty jumped out of his chair and rushed over to the cage.
[B][I]“Norty birdie, that’s a norty, norty boy!”
“P!ss orf!”[/I][/B]
“Shurrup Crusty. Ya sound like summat off a bluddy Punch and Judy show!”
“Bel, Bel, are ya alreet owd girl?”
“Yes I’m fine. He’s a little sod in’t he? No wonder Miss Persimmon didn’t want him, she being a good church going woman! Wor’ave ya called him Crusty?”
“Piss orf y’owd fart!”
“If tha’ doesn’t shurrup I’ll pluck thi’ and stuff a cushion wi’ thi’ fithers, then I’ll shove some stuffin’ up yer arse then cook thi’ in’t bluddy oven for me tea! Tha’ll be alreet wi’ some chips and peys!”
“I’ve decided to call him Mister Blobbles!”
“Mister Blobbles? That’s a funny name for a bird. Why have ya called him Mister Bl …?”
BLOBBLE, PLUUUURP!
“That’s why Bel!”
“Phew, wor’a bluddy stink. It smells worse than yours! Trust you to ger’a bluddy farting parrot!”
“Beep beep, pretty good boy, cock-a-doodle-doo, p!ss orf!”
“I know. D’ya think he’s bin ayteing’t wrong sort o’ food Bel?”
“Could be! I’ll get some proper food and stuff from’t pet shop for him to get you started, but you’ll have’t see to him after that and don’t forget to buy him some toys and perches as soon as ya can, alright lad!”
“Okay Bel, ta very muchly!”
"Right I can’t stop …
“P!ss orf you old bag!”
“… burrall nip round in’t morning with some stuff for’t bird before I go to work. You can measure that cage so that ya know wot size of perches to get. It’s no good gerrin 'em too long or too short and try and teach him some bluddy manners as well!”
“Reet Bel. Will do!”
Bel called round the next morning with some parrot food and other bits and pieces and she’d also bought a little book about parrots so that Crusty could brush up on his knowledge.
“Have ya taught him any new words!”
“Am bluddy hungry!” squawked Mister Blobbles.
“Yis Bel!”
“Typical! Now then Crusty, I’ll not be able’t call round again till Friday, but ya’ve got yer little pet to keep ya company. Try and teach it summat nice to say. I’ll take ya to’t Club for a game o’ bingo if ya fancy!”
“That’s a brilliant idea Bel. I’ve nor’ad a game o’ bingo in the longest time. See ya on Friday night then!”
After she’d gone he got a little bowl from his kitchen cupboard and poured some of the bird feed into it, then tentatively went over to the cage.
“Here y’are Mister Blobbles. Daddy’s got yer din-dins.”
“P!ss orf!”
“Now don’t be like that Mister Blobbles. I’ve brought ya summat to hanch on so am goin’t open’t door and shove it on’t floor for ya!”
“Shove it up yer arse!”
He opened the cage door and the bird eyed him suspiciously, turning its head from one side to the other. Crusty put the bowl down and withdrew his hand very quickly just as the parrot was about to grab his little finger to munch on.
“There now! You have yer din-dins an’ I’ll pur’a nice record on for ya’t listen to!”
Crusty fumbled through his records again to see what he thought the bird might like and he selected one which he’d forgotten he had. He put the record on the rickety turntable and waited for the bird to react to it. The music started playing and the bird started swaying from side to side.
“Neh then! Ya likes music don’t ya owd lad?”
Then the singing started and the bird reacted again.
“Squawk, squawk, screech, ruffle, shudder, shriek, squawk! P!ss orf!”
“Wossup owd lad? D’ya not like the singing? I thowt ya’d’ve enjoyed me Lance Percival LP! I’ll pur’a nice CD on instead then. I’ve still getten me Greig CD tharra gor’out o’t newspaper a couple o’ years ago. I’ll put thar’on instead.”
“Shove it up yer arse!”
He shambled off in search of the CD and loaded it in.
The beautiful sweet music filled the air and Crusty waited to see if the bird would start squawking again, but it didn’t. It just went over to its feeding bowl and started pecking on the food.
“There now! That’s better in’t it lad?”
“Squawk!”
That afternoon Crusty ventured into Pemberton on his own for the first time since he’d come out of hospital. He went in search of toys for the bird and called in at the pet shop. He bought it a weeble, a ladder, a bell and a few other things to keep the bird cheerful. He hadn’t forgotten the instruction about the perches either, but he was having trouble getting some that were the right size, but he was determined and eventually found some the exact size for the cage, but he’d had to go to the Market Hall to find them.
He took them home and put all the things in with the bird who was trying to work out what everything was for. Crusty had a rifle through the carrier bag of booty that Bel had bought for the bird and found a cuttle fish.
“Wot’s this for?”
He sniffed at it then had a bite and started crunching his way through it.
By the time Friday arrived Crusty had noticed a rather peculiar smell coming from the parrot’s cage, although he’d religiously kept it clean for Mister Blobbles. He was worried about what Bel would say, but he didn’t know what was making it smell so badly.
When he heard her key in the lock he steeled himself because he knew, with her sensitive nose, she’d go mad.
“Hello Crusty. It’s your Bel come to take you to … Wot’s that bluddy festering, putrifying stink?”
“Hiya Bel. I don’t know bur’it’s bin like that for a couple o’ days now. It’s horrible, in’t it?”
“Where’s it coming from? Wor’ave ya bin doing’t cause a bluddy pong like that?”
“I’ve done nowt Bel, honest!”
“Wor’a bluddy stink! Pretty, pretty boy!”
“Shurrup you!”
She strode over to the cage sniffing as she followed the smell. Mister Blobbles watched her walk up to the cage and when she peered inside, he eyed her again.
“P!ss orf you old bag!”
“Shut yer bluddy hole ya moth etten owd vulture or I’ll shove a mangy owd cat in wi’ ya. Crusty! Ger’over here this instance!”
W h o o s h!
“Wossup Bel. Have ya found the problem?”
“Yes. You’re the bluddy problem! Wot’s them on’t bottom o’t bird cage?”
“It’s a couple o’ perches like ya told me’t get! I had to go to Wigan Market an’a had 'em all measuring 'em to ger’em’t reet size for’t cage!”
“Ya bluddy festering owd fart! I meant for ya’t get two wooden bird cage perches for’t bluddy bird to stand on. Not two maggoty owd fresh water fish, ya daft looking owd arsehole! It’s no wonder they bluddy stink, as they’ve gone off!”
“But they are perches Bel! I tried every fish stall in’t Market! Havva done summat daft again Bel?”
[B][I]Smack!
“Wor’a bluddy stink! P!ss orf!”[/I][/B]
© Mollie M
10.12.03
Another good read Mollie. Aw it was so sad Crusty parting with his nurse, I hope they keep in touch! Its great that he’s got a parrot to keep him company, I hope he teaches it some new words and I can’t believe that he got perch fish instead of wooden ones, honestly whatever next :-D:-D
I think you’ve really taken him to your heart now lass, and you know that anything can happen with Crusty, and a lot more will, be sure of that. 
[B][CENTER]136
Lakes and Cakes
(and Kind Words from Bel!)[/CENTER][/B]
The following Monday night Bel once again called on Crusty to take him for another game of bingo. They hadn’t won anything at all on Friday and he’d sulked for ages, so they decided to try their luck again. They didn’t go into the Club regularly during the week, but when they did there were always a few people who rolled up their eyes and started talking and tittering behind their hands. They had no idea how close they were sailing to the wind, and if Bel had heard them there would have been ructions. It was alright for her to call him names and give him the occasional kick in the gonads, but just let anybody else try!
They started whispering as soon as he came through the door.
[I]“Hey up! Get yer gas masks out! Crusty has entered the building!”
“I thowt I could smell summat, th’owd cac! Hey up! Mrs Moneybags is with him!”
“I don’t know wot she plays bingo for wi’ her money. Her’s bluddy loaded from worra can understand!”
“Aye! Her’s a millionaire, or so I’ve bin towd. I wonder wor’er sees in that smelly owd fart she’s allers gor’in tow!”
“I’ve nor’a clue, but there’s no other bugger likes him ‘cos he’s nor’a full bluddy shillin’ and he stinks like a bluddy backed up drain! I ber’a shillin’ he never washes his knickers and socks! I can smell 'em from here!”
“Yeulch! Pass me a sicky bag!”[/I]
Crusty and Bel seated themselves at a table fairly near to where Egbert and Myrtle sat. When Myrtle had spotted Bel she smiled and waved at her to go and sit with them but because of her size, she hadn’t noticed Crusty lolloping behind, totally eclipsed by the big lady.
“Best not Myrtle but thanks anyway. I’ve getten th’owd fart wi’ me so I don’t want yer blood pressure goin’ up ‘cos o’ him!”
“Yer probably reet theer Bel!”
The game started and Egbert won the first line. A few moments later Crusty started bouncing about in his seat.
“Bel, Bel, I only want one more number Bel! I’ve coloured all’t rest in. Will I win th’ouse?”
“I hope ya do lad. Be quiet and listen out for yer number!”
“Okay Bel!”
Crusty only played one ticket as he was too tight to pay for more, plus the fact that his concentration level and brain speed was approximately equal to that of a duck billed platypus! He waited ages for his number to be called out but soon after, Mrs Davies called the house on number 47 and everybody put their pens down sulking.
“It’s not fair Bel. I only wanted one number and that lady’s won AGAIN!”
“Ne’ mind lad, ya can try again in a minute. Wot number did ya want?”
“I only wanted number 94!”
“Wot d’ya mean number 94? There is no bluddy number 94 ya dim witted owd bog brush! The numbers only go up to 90! Get yer bluddy glasses cleaned. They favver frosted glass!”
Everybody turned round when Bel raised her voice to Crusty and they started tittering when she’d called him a dim witted owd bog brush. Myrtle had a big smirk all over her face.
“Ssssh! Yeh okay! Look though, it’s here Bel!”
She looked at where he was pointing.
[SIZE=“3”]"That’s number 84 ya daft looking bugger[/SIZE] an’ it went some bluddy while ago. It were one o’t first five out! Ya could’ve won’t sodding jackpot!"
Sulk!
Myrtle snickered.
“Bel? Have ya gor’a blobby I can borrer? Am sick o’ scrawpin’ wi’ this blunt pencil ya gid me! Ya cawn’t read’t numbers once I’ve coloured 'em in 'cos this black eyebrow pencil blocks 'em out alt’gether!”
“Tha’ does enough bluddy blobbyin’! In any case, ya shouldn’t scribble so hard. How’s anybody supposed to check it if they can’t read’t numbers?”
“Sorry Bel. I never thowt o’ that. Have ya gor’a blobby I can use then?”
“Yeh, I’ve getten one here, but don’t make a mess everywhere with it! Ya know how clumsy y’are!”
“Okay!”
Although he’d cleaned his glasses and concentrated very hard he didn’t come anywhere near winning anything that night. He’d missed the only opportunity he’d had by missing a number and he squawked the Club down telling everybody it wasn’t fair. Myrtle sat watching him throwing a paddy and wondered what punishment would befall him, but was surprised when Bel gently chided him instead.
“Crusty lad! It’s no use going on about it. Ya missed the number! It’s not the bingo caller’s fault, it’s yours. Now stop going on about it as it’s time’t go wom. Come on, let’s make a move!”
“Ya’ll have’t wait a bit Bel. I want a pee!”
“Naturally!”
When they got back to his house, Crusty was about to turn round to say goodnight but, as he put the key into the door, she gave him a shove and followed him through. He stumbled in and twisted his ankle, then bumped his nose on the wall.
“Ouch, thar’urt!”
“Reet. Sit down Crusty as I’ve got summat to say to you.”
He stuck his thumb in his mouth.
“Havva done summat wrong again Bel?”
“Just sit and I’ll tell ya wot ya’ve done. Right, that’s better. Now then! While you were in’th hospital all that time I kept yer house all clean and tidy for ya an’a was surprised to …”
“Ta Bel! Is thar’it?”
“No … an’a was very shocked when I found summat I didn’t like in a drawer while I were purrin some stuff away!”
He blushed but had no idea what it was she’d found.
“Wot were it?”
She marched over to the drawer, opened it, and took out a large bundle. She batted him three times around his already throbbing nose with them.
Thwack!
[B][I]“Ouch!”
“These!”
“Ouch, me bluddy hooter!”[/I][/B]
“Wot the bluddy hell have ya bin buying these in bulk for?”
“Wot’s them? Oh! Them’s me With Sympathy cards for when somebody dee’s Bel. I’ve always gor’a good stock in so as I can be’t first sending a funeral card for the dearly departed!”
“The dearly departed?”
He suddenly started tittering.
“Ya know worra did once Bel? I sent a funeral card to a bloke’s missus by mistake and her hubby weren’t even dead! I felt proper daft!”
“Ya gormless looking owd bugger! Are you still going to bluddy funerals uninvited?”
“Well I’ve not for’t last 12 months or so Bel 'cos …”
“'Cos ya’ve bin in’t bluddy hospital! That’s the reason and that’s the only reason!”
“Amma not to go to any more funerals then Bel?”
"Nor’unless it’s yer own, and ya’ve been invited special! Crusty ya can’t keep going to private do’s like that unless ya’ve been invited by the family. Wot’s so bluddy special about funerals anyway? It’s morbid thar’is!"
“Well I only go for a free feed Bel. Am just a poor owd mon so I have a snooze during’t service then I follows 'em back to where’t grub is!”
[I]Smack!
Duck![/I]
“Ya demented owd stink pot. Have ya never bin rumbled?”
Sulk!
“Only once when I went to that funeral ages ago and it turned out that Melonie were really Lady Melonie. Ya remember that big house in Birmingham where they put that sandwich board on me?”
“Oh aye. I remember now. Is that how it all started? Was it because ya’d bin to one of her relative’s funeral?”
“Yis Bel. It was her sister Sultana’s!”
“Sultana? Well in that case it served ya reet ya bluddy owd ghoul! It’s not natural to keep hovering round bluddy graveyards all’t time like a demented owd spectre!”
“Sorry Bel. I’ll try not to do it any more, I promise!”
“Okay then. Right! That was all I wanted to say so I’ll be off now. I’ll give ya a ring soon owd lad, or I might text ya. Can ya still remember how’t text?”
“Am not sure Bel 'cos I’ve not used it for ages, burrall havva practice tomorrer and try sending ya one, okay!”
“Okay lad. Now then, get yer going to bed things done and ger’an early night. Yer looking tired out and yer still nor’an 'undred percent yet!”
“Reet Bel. Yer reet as usual. I am tired tonight. Neet, neet owd lass!”
“Neet, neet. Speak to ya soon. Oh, and Crusty?”
“Wot Bel?”
“Ger’a shower in’t morning. Tha’ stinks again!”
He closed the door behind her sulking.
A few minutes later he climbed the stairs wearily and went straight into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.
“How havva managed to get this bluddy owd without killing meself? Am allers gerrin into mischief an’a cawn’t help it. Hey up! Wot’s thar’on th’end o’ me chin?”
He looked a little closer and saw that it was some egg yolk which he’d dribbled when he’d had his tea the day before.
“It’s funny my Bel didn’t mention that. I’d best ger’it washed off as its hard work keep gerrin me sand paper out!”
He filled the sink with warm water then went in search of his Lyril, which had disappeared yet again. Then he remembered the old fifties soap advert which showed a lady in a bath in the middle of the room and was surrounded by wafting chiffon and about thirty violins.
[CENTER]Get that lovely
Lyril feeling[/CENTER]
Except that it didn’t feel lovely to Crusty. It wasn’t so much the soap, but the water that inevitably accompanied it. As a matter of fact, if truth be known, Lyril stunk to high heaven as it was a form of carbolic but it smelled like a mixture of brimstone, sewers and Crusty’s feet. He found his Lyril under the bath mat as usual, so he sat down on the toilet seat de-fluffing it and when he’d done he went back to the wash basin and fearfully stuck the end of his finger in testing the water. It had gone cold while he’d been messing about so he had to let it out and start all over again.
“Hummmph! I cawn’t do nowt reet me!”
Quarter of an hour later he’d done his bathroom things then he trundled downstairs to do his kitchen things before he could go to bed.
[CENTER]–oo0oo–[/CENTER]
Several days later on the Sunday morning it was late when he woke up. He couldn’t remember ever sleeping until eleven in the morning for a very long time now so he must have been tired. In fact, he’d been rather tired all week.
“Am bluddy hungry!”
There was no Delroy to cook his breakfast now and the house was so quiet without him, except for Mister Blobbles of course, whom he could hear squawking in his cage downstairs.
[SIZE=“3”]" Cock-a-doodle-doo! Ger’up y’owd fart! Pretty boy!"[/SIZE]
Paaaarip, blobble!
Crusty had by now realised why Miss Persimmon had got rid of the parrot. It was driving him mad too, but there was nothing he could do about it.
He went downstairs and made some breakfast which he took into the living room with him to eat. Mister Blobbles went quiet for a few moments when Crusty entered the room and peered at him with beady little eyes and its head to one side.
[SIZE=“3”]“Am bluddy hungry! Squawk! Who’s a pretty boy. P!ss orf y’owd fart! Am bluddy hungry!”[/SIZE]
“No yer not. Ya’ve getten plenty o’ food and fresh water in yer cage and ya’ve got two nice perches to stand on now wot yer Auntie Bel bought ya, and some toys to play with so shurrup!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Givvus a kiss! Tha’ stinks!”[/SIZE]
“Sod off!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Sod orf y’owd fart!”[/SIZE]
The parrot was an extremely fast learner and only had to hear certain words or phrases a couple of times before he could say them. Crusty threw an old towel over the cage in the hope that it would keep the parrot quiet, then turned the telly on and flicked through the Cable channels to find something interesting to watch.
He stopped at one of the Discovery channels and was fascinated with two deep sea divers who had been very famous a long, long time ago. He was riveted by the fact that these two people were deep down in the wet water and they weren’t drowning because of some big tanks they had on their backs, but he did notice something else as well which he decided he must discuss with his Bel the next time he saw her.
[B][I]Knock, knock!
“Del Boy?”[/I][/B]
He’d finished his breakfast and the programme had ended, so he turned the telly off and put his plate on the coffee table in front of him, then scuttled up to his front door.
“Del Boy?”
He threw the door open only to find his Bel standing there smiling at him.
“Good morning Crusty. Wot’s up? Ya’ve gor’a face like a smacked arse!”
“Oh there’s nowt up Bel. I just thought ya might be Del Boy coming to visit me, that’s all. Come in owd lass.”
“Have ya not heard from him since he left?”
“No Bel. I think he’s forgetten all about me.”
He stuck his thumb in his mouth and started sulking, eyes watering.
“He’ll nor’ave forgotten ya lad. Once met never forgotten wi’ you. He’ll just be very busy owd lad.”
“I suppose so. Worisit ya’ve come to see me about Bel?”
“Nothing special. I just thought I’d pop round to see how you are that’s all!”
“Ta Bel. D’ya want a cup o’ tea?”
“Yes please. Crusty, ya seems a bit disorientated. Are ya alright lad?”
“Oh yes Bel, am okay. It’s just tharra slept in till eleven this morning, burrave just had me brekkie and I’ve bin watching a dead interesting programme on’t telly!”
She followed him into the kitchen where they continued their conversation.
“Wot were it about then lad, the telly programme?”
“Why owd lass! It were an owd seafaring tale about these two people called Hands and Potty Arse, and they lived most of their lives at the bottom of the sea. I thowt it were a horror story at first spending all that time in’t watter!”
She frowned trying to work out Crusty speak for a few minutes. Then it dawned on her.
“Ya means Hans and Lotte Haas, ya dim-witted owd turd!”
“That could be it Bel. Anyway they were swimming about on’t bottom o’t sea and they didn’t drown Bel. D’ya know why?”
“You tell me owd lad!”
“Why? They were wearing some tanks on their backs to help 'em breathe and they were called a-qua-lungs!”
"Well they have to wear aqualungs in deep water lad otherwise they would drown.
In any case, they didn’t live at the bottom of the sea ya daft sod! It was their job to photograph and record fish and plants and stuff that live down there. So? Wor’about it anyway?"
“Well I were thinking Bel. If ya bought me an a-qua-lung pr’aps I’d be able’t get used to water better. I could wear one when I’m under’t shower or in’t bath and that way I’d be able’t keep meself a bit cleaner so as ya don’t keep telling me tharra stink all’t time an’ it’d save me from drowning! Even’t bluddy parrot’s havin’ a do at me as well now telling me tharra stink!”
“It’s a bluddy iron lung that thy needs.”
“So canna nor’ave one then?”
“No!”
“Was it nor’a good idea Bel?”
“No!”
“Okay. I tell ya wot though Bel. Between’t pair of ‘em they did a lorra farting so I reckon they must’ve bin very fond o’ peys and beyns!”
She looked at him totally bemused.
“Wor’ever gives ya thar’idea lad? How’ve ya managed to come to that particular conclusion? Have ya bin studying higher mathematics, human biology and applied logic in order to make an assumption like that?”
“Er … I don’t think so Bel. Am not sure I understand the question!”
“Wot makes ya think they did a lorra farting?”
“Oh, well! Wherever they swam, there were loads o’ lickle bubbles floating about! You told me that ya get lickle bubbles like that when ya fart in yer bath and ya have water in yer bath, don’t you?”
“Well most of us do owd lad!”
She threw her head back and laughed, then gave him a friendly punch in the kneecap which brought tears to his eyes and he started wailing again.
“Shurrup ya soft little girly! I hardly touched ya! Them bubbles are made because they breathe oxygen from them tanks and it causes little air bubbles to escape. That’s wor’it was!”
He was holding onto his knee in pain, tears trickling down his face.
“Oh I see. I didn’t know! Thar’urt!”
“Er … by the way Crusty … where’s that cuttle fish I got for’t bird cage? Did ya fix it to’t bars?”
“Wot’s a cuckle fish Bel?”
“It’s a hard, crunchy-looking thing about five inches long! They’re for’t bird’s beak!”
“Oh is that wor’it were for?”
“So! Where is it?”
“I’ve etten it, bur’it weren’t too tasteyful!”
“Ya daft sod! Come on! Up ya get. I’m taking ya for a drive while ya looks a bit under’t weather!”
Almost immediately he forgot that she’d practically dislocated his kneecap and he leapt out of his chair.
[B][I]W h o o s h!
Z o o m[/I][/B]!
Within thirty seconds flat he was back wearing his farty little black vinyl boots and had his owd black jacket half on and half off his shoulders, tongue dangling and a great big beam on his face.
“Great! Am ready Bel. Weer is it yer taking me?”
“I don’t know lad. Let’s just ger’in’t car and see where it teks us, okay? D’ya want a pee before we set off?”
“No!”
W h o o s h!
He sulked when he saw the Volvo standing at the kerb, but tittered when he realised that Bel had probably come prepared with bags of butties and barm cakes, which she had.
He bounded onto the passenger seat and Bel strapped him in to make sure he didn’t fall out.
“When are you going to get behind’t wheel of yer own little car again, owd lad?”
“I don’t know Bel. I don’t feel as if I’ve gor’enough confidence to drive anymore ever since ya told me I was supposed’t take a driving test. I’m frikkened in case I get stopped by a bobby!”
“Well yer right there lad. I must admit, if I’d known ya’d never passed a driving test I wouldn’t’ve bought ya the car in’t first place. Pr’aps its best if ya don’t drive it anymore owd lad. Why don’t ya let me ger’it re-sprayed for ya 'cos that bright purple looks horrible. I’ll give it a good tuning so thar’it’ll run as sweet as a nut then when it’s done, ya can probably sell it for a few hundred quid. Thar’d help yer bank balance out wouldn’t it?”
“Yeh. Wor’a brilliant idea. I’ve still gor’a lorra money left from when ya sold me Mario Lanza record, bur’an extra few hundred quid might come in useful for summat! How will I go on for gerrin about though Bel?”
“We’ll sort summat out owd lad!”
Bel had just been driving along, allowing the car to decide their destination, when it suddenly dawned on her that they were on the M6 which was taking them north.
“Have ya ever been to’t Lakes before Crusty?”
“Cakes Bel? Oh aye, I’ve had cakes before! I’ve had cream horns, vanilla slices, fairy cakes, chocolate ecl …”
“LAKES ya pey brained owd tub o’ festerin’ turds, not bluddy cakes! The Lake District in Cumbria!”
He jumped in his seat.
"Sorry Bel. I’ve only ever been to’t Lakes once an’ that were a long time ago, before I met you! I was with, A WOMAN an’ her name was Breadericka!"
“Hmmph! Well that’s which way me car’s pointing so that’s where we’re goin’t end up. Is thar’okay for ya owd lad?”
“Oh yes Bel. From worra can remember it’s very pretty there!”
“Reet then. I’ll pull off the motorway in a bit and we can have a nice picnic on’t side o’t road. I know ya enjoys doing that too!”
She found somewhere for them to park and, as it was a lovely day for the time of year she spread a car rug on the ground and tipped the contents of both carrier bags out onto it.
“Wor’ave we getten then Bel? Mmmm. I luvs salmon butties especially when ya puts a lorra black pepper and vinegar on. Wor’else is there? Tongue, ham, cheyse, and wot’s in here? Meyt pies and there’s some cakes in this bag an’ all! This is a veritable feast Bel, ta!”
“Yer very welcome owd lad. I allers likes being prepared for every eventuality! I’m glad to see ya eating normally again.”
“Yeh! I likes aytein’ an’am bluddy hungry!”
“Don’t I know it? Ya know lad, it must’ve seemed proper funny when ya came out o’ that coma and a good while had passed by. It must’ve upset yer equilibrium for a bit!”
“Which part of yer body is yer equilibrium Bel? Have I getten one?”
She rolled up her eyes.
“Ne’ mind lad. Thinking about it ya could only do thar’if ya’ve getten a brain so you don’t count. D’ya want another cup o’ tea before we make a move?”
“Yis please Bel. Ya know how much I likes a cup o’ tea!”
They finished the first flask off, but Bel had another one tucked away with more food for their return journey.
“Reet! Are ya ready?”
“Just a tick Bel. I’ll just nip behind that bush for a quick pee!”
He trundled off and she pulled her face as she could hear what he was doing and then she curled her lip down and twitched her nose.
Paaaarip, brrrrip, flirt, paarp, pfummmmph, bripple! W a a a a f t!
They ended up in Keswick and Crusty was delighted with one of the roads which Bel drove down.
“In’t it a beltin’ name that Bel? Spoonygreen Lane!”
“Ya like daft names don’t ya lad?”
“I do that Bel. I wonder who makes 'em up.”
“Dunno!”
Bel parked the big car in Applethwaite then they went for a walk round and called at an inn for a pub lunch. They’d only just got through a couple of dozen sandwiches and six meat pies each, washed down with two litres of tea, but they wouldn’t be done out of a proper lunch at proper lunch time!
“Canna have a pint please Bel?”
“No lad, not in the middle of the afternoon. Ya shouldn’t sup ale during’t day!”
“Bur’everybody else is!”
“Well you’re not otherwise it’ll be bluddy midneet before we get wom through pee stops!! Now then, if yer done we’re going to get back into the car and drive a bit further, then we’ll go on a nice walk down to Derwent Water and we can sit by the lake for a while and chat!”
Crusty started quaking for a second.
"Water! Okay then. Wockle we chat about?"
“Dunno, but we’ll think o’ summat!”
She drove the short distance to the lake and parked up again. They took a leisurely walk and eventually arrived at the lakeside where there were quite a few people fishing. It was so pleasant and quiet that they were able to relax almost immediately.
Apart from the birds singing and the gentle swish of the water lapping at the bank it was virtually silent and peaceful.
“Now don’t go falling in that bluddy water you!”
“Don’t you worry about that Bel. Ya won’t let me have an a-qua-lung so I don’t want to get wet today as I got wet when I had a wash yesterday!”
She raised her fist but thought better of it.
“Crusty do you remember the other day when ya said you were going to try and text me?”
“Oh, I did didn’t I Bel? I forgot, burrall give it a go when I get home!”
“Have ya not got yer phone with ya?”
“No Bel. I allers keeps it switched off and safe in a drawer at home. I don’t like taking it out wi’ me in case I lose it!”
“Well wot’s the point in having a mobile phone then?”
“The poink Bel?”
“Oh I don’t know why I bother. In future, just make sure ya take it with ya everywhere ya go, switched on, in case I need to ger’in touch wi’ ya!”
“That’s a good idea Bel. You allers have beltin’ ideas! I have taken it out a couple o’ times though by accident, bur’only when I’ve forgot to leave it behind.”
“Tha’ talks bluddy double Dutch thee!”
“Do I owd lass? Eeee! I never knew I could speyk a foreign language! I don’t think I can speak single Dutch though!”
“So Crusty! Tell me the truth now. How do you feel?”
“How do you feel wot, Bel? If ya lets me know I might be able’t help ya! Worisit ya wants to feel?”
She was slowly getting exasperated with him again despite trying to keep her temper in check.
"I don’t want to feel anything! I were asking … "
"Well if ya don’t want to feel anything worra ya asking me how you … "
That was it! She lost it again.
“I mean how do YOU feel in yerself? Are ya feeling better now ya farty arsed steaming owd barrel o’ festerin’ farts?”
Everyone around the lake jumped a mile and turned to where Bel was standing over Crusty. It had been so peaceful up till then, but with the racket she was making the fishermen threw down their rods as she’d scared all the fish away.
“Oh! I see! Thank you for your kind words Bel. Am much better now Bel, thank you. You’re very kind! Am almost back to normal!”
“Well that’s no bluddy recommendation! Worra were thinking is that, now yer back to normal, ya could start back at the cafe again. Ya’ve bin off for twelve months now and they all still miss ya. Ya’ll ger’a bluddy hero’s welcome when ya go back!”
“D’ya think so?”
She smiled at him fondly. Or was it a smirk?
“I do lad. I’m sure of it! Why don’t ya start back on Monday? Ya’ll look a little picture in yer cafe outfit again!”
He thought about it for a moment.
“I will do Bel. Being as they’ve all missed me so much it dun’t seem fair to keep depriving 'em of me presence does it?”
“No lad, it doesn’t!”
“Reet! That’s worrall do then!”
Smirk!
© Mollie M
13.01.04
Just caught up with the last two chapters and good reading it was too
Crusty has met his match in Mr Blobbles 
How nice to read that they took a trip to the lakes and nothing disastrous happened involving Crusty 
Wonder what sort of reception Crusty will receive when he returns to the cafe?
Glad you’ve caught up, lass. Yes, he doesn’t ALWAYS get into mischief - just 99.9% of the time.
Oh so Crusty is going back to work. Wonder how he’ll get there if he’s not driving. Assume its walking distance! Fancy him coming to my neck of the woods. I’m so pleased he behaved himself as it would have been soo embarassing to hear about any mishaps :-D:-D
Yeh, the caff’s only about a 5 minute walk from his hovel!
[B][CENTER]137
Water, Water Everywhere
(and Not a Drop to Drink!)[/CENTER][/B]
“Right then owd lad, we’d best make tracks for home. We’ve still gor’another two bags o’ butties an’ another flask o’ tea to get through yet, so we’ll stop off again on’t way home. I want to be back before it gets too late though as I’ve got to be up early in’t morning, so let’s ger’a move on!”
“No probs there Bel. Am ready, burrave enjoyed me day in’t Cake District.”
They got back to the car and Bel started the engine before Crusty had managed to close his door.
“Bel? Ya’ve not fastened me seat belt for me yet!”
“Oh ger’it fastened yerself. Ya should be able’t manage that by now!”
“Okay!”
“It’s at least an hour and a half back to Wigan old lad, so I want to try and make good time, but we’ll be able’t stop off again for some more scran and have another picnic!”
“Great! Am really enjoying meself today. It’s bin a long while since I did so much aytein’ and hanchin’! Yer a proper kind person Bel, and the Cake District was nice!”
“Hmmph!”
“Bel?”
“Wot?”
“If ya were only calling on me to see how I were, how come ya had bags full o’ butties, pies and cakes and flasks o’ tea ready? Ya didn’t know ya were takin’ me out, did ya?”
“Well I thought I’d get everything ready just in case and, if we didn’t go out, we could’ve had a picnic in yer kitchen!”
“Brilliant idea Bel! How come I never think of owt clever like that?”
“'Cos tha’s getten no brains!”
“Oh aye! I keeps forgetting!”
“That’s 'cos tha’s getten no brains!”
“Oh aye! I never thowt about that!”
“That’s 'cos …!”
They drove for three quarters of an hour and then Bel found another lovely spot where they once again sat on the dry soft grass for another munch in the warm afternoon sun.
“I tell ya wot lad, me bluddy bally’s brasting now! I wish I’d put one of me bigger frocks on today. This one’s busting at the seams!”
He started tittering.
“I know Bel, I’m’t same. Me britches arse is coming undone an’a heard summat rip a bit back when I farted.”
She started tittering.
“Any road up, if we’ve etten everything there’s no point in hanging about, so we’ll get going again shall we?”
“Yis Bel but there’s just one more thing before we go!”
“Don’t tell me! Let me guess. Er … ya want another pee?”
“Bob on Bel. Yer proper clever you are! I’ll not be long! I only want a quick 'un!”
Once again he scampered off behind a bush and yet again Bel could hear him. She heard him muttering for a moment or two and she wrinkled her nose.
“Weer’s Mister Floppy gone now? Yoo-hoo! Weer are ya owd lad? Ah, there y’are ya lickle monkey. I’ve getten it now Bel!”
“Hummph! Rather thee than me! Hurry up!”
Pssssssssss. pssssssssss, psssssssssss, pssssssssss, pssssssssss, pssssssss, pssssssss, pssssssssss, pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, pss, pss, pss, psssssss, pssssssssssssssssssssss, pssssssssssssssssssssssssss, sss, sss. sss.
“Ah! That’s better. Oops!”
“Hast done yet?”
Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, psssssss, psssssssssssss,
psssssss, pssssssssssssssssssss, psssssssssssssssss, pssssssss, ss, ss, ss!
Brrrrip!
“Not quite Bel.”
“Bluddy hell Crusty! How long are ya goin’t be? A bluddy elephant dun’t pee that much! I thowt ya said it were only goin’t be a quick ‘un. I wouldn’t like’t be hangin’ about when yer having a long pee!”
“I’ll not be a minute Bel. I’ve nearly done now, I think!”
Pssssssssssssss, pssssssssssssssssssss, psssssssssss, psssss, psssssssss, pssssssssss, psssssssssssssssssssssssssssss, pssssssssss, ss, sss, ss, s!
[B][I]Drrrip!
Brrrip!
Zzzzip![/I][/B]
“I’ve done now Bel. Just coming!”
Happily he skipped back to where his Bel had been waiting patiently for him.
“Am back!”
“Bluddy hell lad! For somebody who can’t abide water ya pass enough of it!”
“I cawn’t help it Bel!”
“Ya could’ve fillt bluddy Lake Windermere wi’ wot you just got shut of. They keep saying there’s a water shortage, but I can’t see it!”
“Ickle be all that tea I’ve bin supping Bel. I stores it up like an owd camel then I ler’it all go at once!”
“I bet that bluddy patch o’ grass ya just peed on’ll be yeller in’t morning. Tha’d kill a bluddy rain forest off thee! Talk about acid rain! It’s nowt compared to your contributions! There’s nowt that’ll grow there now!”
“Sorry Bel!”
“Ne’ mind. Now then! Have ya washed yer pinny and stuff for when ya go back to work?”
He went white. He’d forgotten all about them with being off for so long.
“Er … I’ve never gid 'em a thowt Bel. Will I ger’em washed when I ger’ome?”
“Ya’d better’t do. If they’ve nor’ad a wash for nearly a year I’ll bet they stink bluddy rotten.”
“Where are they Bel? Did ya see 'em at all while ya was cleaning me house up?”
“I can’t say tharra did owd lad. Where d’ya normally shove 'em?”
“Under’t stairs Bel!”
“Well I don’t think they’re there. I’ll help ya look for 'em when we get back!”
It was just on six when Bel pulled the Volvo up outside Crusty’s house and they went inside and began an immediate search for his work clothes. They searched high and low, but they couldn’t be found anywhere until suddenly Bel had an idea.
“Givvus yer shed key lad!”
He handed it to her and she trundled down the garden where she poked her head through the door.
“Wor’a bluddy mess!”
She searched around and eventually, as expected, she found them in a corner in a very dirty condition as he’d used his pinny to clean the lawn mower. They were stiff from months of dirt and she had to handle them carefully in case she broke them.
Returning to the kitchen she found Crusty waiting anxiously for her, stirring a freshly made brew in the cups.
He winced when he saw them in her hands.
“I see ya found 'em Bel. Will they get clean before tomorrer?”
She hit him over the head with them.
[B][I]Bonk!
Clatter, clang![/I][/B]
“Ouch, thar’urt!”
Luckily they stayed intact.
“Put some hot water in yer sink and they can be softening. We daren’t pur’em in’t Crustamatic like this otherwise they’ll bugger all’t works up!”
She gave them half an hour, then told Crusty to go and collect the rest of his crappy clothes and they could go in with the pinny to make a load up.
“Burrave not gor’enough nasty clothes to make a load up Bel!”
“Ya’ve enough’t make a bluddy load up wi’ wot ya’ve gor’on, neh go and do as yer told!”
He skidded on the tiger rug as he zoomed off upstairs, but he managed to correct himself before he went arse over tip, then struggled back down again with a pile of dirty washing including what he’d worn earlier, replacing them with his old moth eaten tartan bathrobe which he’d wrapped round him.
“How long have ya had that bluddy owd moth etten dressing gown? It favvers weel. It’s full of holes owd lad!”
“I know. I’ve had it a long while bur’it’s proper comfy Bel. I could do with a new one though, I must admit!”
“Right! Now that that lot’s gerrin a good dunking let’s go into’t living room so tharra can give ya yer next set of instructions.”
“Reet owd lass!”
They carried their tea into the living room and Crusty switched the light on after Bel had entered first.
“Piss orf!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Wot the bluddy hell’s that? Oh it’s that sodding parrot again. It frikkened’t bluddy life out o’ me. I’d forgetten all about it! I’ve spilled me bluddy tea on’t floor.”[/SIZE]
“Sorry Bel. I’ll throw a cloth and then I’ll wipe’t floor wi’ it!”
“Don’t ya mean ya’ll throw a cloth o’er it and then wipe’t floor?”
Snicker!
“No Bel!”
He covered the poor parrot again, who was always in darkness. During the day Crusty covered it over to keep it quiet and it was in the dark all night so its eyes weren’t accustomed to bright light.
“Ya know lad ya can’t keep it in’t dark all’t time. No wonder it’s so bluddy bad tempered. Ya’ll have’t start talking to it more and show it some kindness then pr’aps ya’ll be able’t wean it off all them bluddy swear words!”
“Okay Bel. I’ll give it a try! Now wot’s me latest instructions?”
“Right! I’ve rung Jim and told him that ya’ll be back in tomorrer, but he’ll be going easy on ya to start off with until ya get back into’t swing!”
“Ta Bel!”
“Then on Friday when ya finish at one I’m goin’t pick you up and take ya somewhere for a pressie, and after that I’ll take ya back to my house for yer din-dins, so don’t forget!”
“Ooooh, ta. I’ll not forget if ya remind me Bel!”
“Plus, I want ya to pack a bag. Pur’a few bits and pieces in it 'cos yer stopping overnight at my house. It’d be best if ya put quite a few different things in lad so that ya’ll have a choice of wot ya might want to wear! In fact, try and pack some of yer better stuff if ya’ve gor’any!”
“Great. I’ll try not to forget Bel. If I can just get Monday out o’t way I think I’ll be okay again provided nobody starts yelling at me.”
“Take yer phone with ya. If anybody gives ya a hard time give me a ring and I’ll come and sort it out, okay?”
“Okay. Am quite lookin’ forward to it really after all this time. Wot sort o’ pressie are ya gerrin me Bel?”
“It’s a surprise.”
Once the washing and drying was done Bel left him to it to fold his clothes and told him to do it neatly. She had to be up extra early the following morning to go to Yeovilton again so couldn’t stay longer on this occasion. She hadn’t dared tell Crusty where she was going otherwise he’d have wanted to see his old friend “The Commode” again and play with the aeroplanes so she’d kept quiet. The Air Commodore had had quite enough of Crusty the last time they were there. She was flying her helicopter there and back so she’d only be gone for the day.
Crusty had no idea that she owned an aircraft, but she’d had the chopper for several years and she was dropping it off at Thruxton in Hampshire at seven thirty for a service and compass check and was borrowing one of theirs for her trip to Somerset, then back home again the same day.
He was up bright and early the next morning as well, and he excitedly got out of bed and whooshed into the bathroom where he had a wash (yes a wash) shave, cleaned his teeth and then went to the toilet, omitting to wash his hands afterwards. Well! He’d only just had a wash!
He dressed in his freshly laundered clothes and put his pinny and baseball cap into his carrier bag, then set off for work with an enormous breakfast joggling away in his belly.
Rumble!
He approached the cafe door and suddenly became very nervous. What if he forgot his lines? What if he’d forgotten people’s names? What if he’d forgotten everything? What if, what if, what if?
Paaarp, paaar-rip!
“Oops!”
He plucked up some courage and opened the door, sliding in silently, but the little bell overhead signalled his entrance. Everybody looked up on hearing the tinkle.
“Well bluddy hell! Look who it is! Owd farty arse is back again! Look girls! He’s getten that bluddy owd black jacket on again! It’s a wonder it’s not fawd in bits by now!”
“Hello Faggie, hello Aggie, hello Maggie. How are you both?”
“We’re in better bluddy nick than thee y’owd turd. Weer hast bin for’t last seven or eight months? We thowt tha’d de’ed!”
“No, burra nearly did. Did my Bel not tell everybody wor’appened to me? You were there at me party weren’t ya when I was took badly?”
“We were lad. We’re only kidding. How are ya doing now? Are ya better?”
“I am that thank you an’am back to work.”
“Well we’re very pleased to hear it lad. We’ve missed ya, haven’t we girls?” winked Faggie, lighting up again.
“We have that! We’ve had nobody’t bluddy torment since ya went into that coma so come on and ger’agate. Get yer pinny on and ya can tek our orders. We’ve only just come in, in front o’ ya!”
“Reet lass. I’ll just get meself sorted out an’ I’ll be back in a lickle jiffy!”
“Well be bluddy quick about it! I’m dee’in’ o’ thirst!”
With a big grin, he scuttled off into the back and changed his jacket for his pinny, put his baseball cap on, waved hello to Jim, then scuttled back with his pen and pad.
Lollop, shuffle, skid!
Jim called over to him with his big toothy smile.
“I see yer back owd lad. Are ya fit enough’t work now?”
“I am that Jimmy, Jim. I’ll be as reet as rain once I get started!”
“Good lad. Don’t forget to put yer moppin’ slippers on for cleaning’t floor!”
“Oh aye. I’d forgetten about them!”
He was really enjoying the attention.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Well, he managed to get his first week over with and everybody that came in made a big fuss of him, which he wallowed in and, true to her word, Bel came for him on Friday at one o’clock.
“Reet lad. We’re going to do this in this order. Yer going back home for a shower first. Then yer …”
“But …”
“But nowt. Then yer going to get changed into yer best clothes. Then I’m taking ya shopping for a pressie. Then yer coming back to my house for a feed. Fetch Jim and Jam with ya 'cos yer stopping at my house for’t neet and don’t forget the rest of yer stuff like I told ya!”
His eyes lit up.
“Ya know Bel, I thought ya’d said that before burra thowt I were hearing things. That sounds reet grand Bel. Ta very muchly!”
While he was upstairs though she went over to a drawer and took something out which she put into her handbag.
After he’d carried out her instructions about the shower and getting dressed nicely, she trundled him into town where she bought him a new floor length pale pink candlewick bathrobe from the market, which he was thrilled to pieces about.
After that they had to go back to Crusty’s as he’d forgotten to pick up his bedroom kippers, so while he was there he decided to try on the new bathrobe and showed off to his Bel, giving her a twirl. She put her hand to her mouth so that he couldn’t see her laughing at him. To herself she was thinking “he favvers bluddy weel in that” then she wiped the smirk off her face.
“Neh then lad. Tha’ favvers a reet bobby dazzler in that. That’ll keep yer smelly owd crackers from’t cowd while it’s coming on for winter now!”
“Ta Bel. I’ll be as snug as a bug in this! Where to now?”
“We’re going to my house. I’ve gor’another surprise for ya waiting there!”
“Another surprise? Anybody’d think it were me birthday or Crisp Mus!”
“Well its not so far off both if ya think about it owd lad, so this is a sort of early birthday present and Christmas present, sort o’ thing!”
“Bur’it’s only Septober Bel! Or is it Octember? I cawn’t remember. Is it Octember? D’ya like me poem Bel?”
He put his knuckles in his mouth and started tittering.
“Shurrup!”
“Am dead exciticated now Bel. Worisit?”
“Ya’ll see when we get there. Come on buggerlugs and ger’in’t car!”
“Reet, off we go then!”
“Er … hang on a minute. Haven’t ya forgotten summat?”
“I don’t think so Bel. Worisit?”
“Ya’ve still got yer bluddy dressing gown on. Go and put summat proper on! Yer not coming out wi’ me looking like that!”
By the time they reached Bel’s house it was dark and there were no lights on, except for some wall lights which shone brightly through the window of one room. She got out her key and unlocked the door, switching the hall light on as she went in.
“Reet lad. Gimme them carrier bags full of yer stinkies and I’ll take 'em up to yer room. You go into’t Green Room and put the lights on for me please.”
“The Green Room Bel? Worra we goin’ in’t Green Room for?”
“Well! I thought just for once we’d have a posh night in. I know ya’ll be good and not break any of me Blue John or me Meissen or Dresden, will ya not owd lad?”
“I’ll try me bestest Bel. Okay!”
He trundled off to the Green Room with a squilp and a squelch as he went and, once there, he put his hand on the handle and pushed open the door.
“Bluddy hell! Its pitch black in here! Weer’s’t leet switch?”
While he was fumbling around trying to find the switch and making dirty hand prints on Bel’s expensive wallpaper, he was suddenly surrounded in bright light as someone threw the main switch and, as he blinked, he took three steps back with shock.
Sniff, sniff!
The room was packed with people.
[SIZE=“3”]“Surprise!! Surprise Crusty! Three cheers for Crusty!”[/SIZE]
He smiled shyly.
“It’s alreet. One cheer’ll do. Am ready for a sit down! Wot’s goin’ on?”
"Hip, hip …
[SIZE=“3”]“Hooray!”[/SIZE] yelled Crusty happily.
"Hip, hip …
“Bel, Bel, wot’s goin’ on Bel?”
When everything died down Bel went over to Crusty.
“This is yer surprise owd lad. Ya dipped out last time ya had a party at my house because ya got poorly. Now look round and see who ya can see!”
He scanned his piggy little eyes around the room and they lit up brighter and brighter with every turn of the head.
“Alfred the Geek, Billy the Bonker and Fingers! How do lads? Ta very muchly for coming! Good to see ya again!”
His eyes flirted around the sea of smiling faces, acknowledging Faggie, Aggie and Maggie, who had all been in on the surprise. There was Jim, Doctor Fry and even Crispy and Flora had turned up again as had Bel’s relatives.
“Exacertackerly like last time Bel, ‘ceptin’ for bluddy owd Trevor! Ta Bel, this is brilliant.”
“Well it’s not quite exactly the same as before owd lad!”
His little red eyes were shining brightly.
Just then a figure, who had been hiding, stood up to his massive height, put his hands on his hips and threw his head back with a laugh. On hearing him Crusty spun round to where he was standing and his face beamed like a thousand beacons.
[SIZE=“4”]“Del Boy!”[/SIZE]
With tears spurting out of his eyes like hosepipes, Crusty rushed over and threw his arms around his former nurse and again gave him a huge hug.
“Hello Cruthty my thweet. How’ve ya bin keeping? Mith Leekey wouldn’t let me call on you becauthe she had thith thpecial party planned for you ath a thurprithe!”
“Oh reet. I thowt ya’d forgotten all about me Del Boy!”
“Never in thith world old lad!”
“It’s proper good to see ya again Del Boy. I’ve missed ya, burra can ger’on okay now by meself, thanks to you!”
“It’th a pleathure Cruthty. I ger’a lorra thatithfacshion in my job gerrin people better burra like to make it fun and not hard work like thome do!”
Bel had stood back beaming, knowing that Crusty would be thrilled at her throwing a surprise party for him, especially as Delroy was there as well, and Cecil.
“Right! Come on everybody. Let’s get this party swinging. Crispy! Pur’a CD on lad - summat lively. Crusty! Come here and look at worrave done for ya!”
Everybody had been more or less lined up to one side of the room and when they parted Crusty’s eyes popped out of his head.
There was a magnificent banquet spread out across the full width of the room and it was cram packed with roast chickens, York hams, saddles of beef and Crowns of Lamb, along with potatoes mashed and roasted, six other vegetables and gravies to suit. There was every kind of salad in bowls and various rice dishes that you could imagine. At one end there was an enormous drum filled to the top with lobbies and another big dish of mushy peas with side dishes of red cabbage and beetroot. There were even all kinds of pies. There were flans with clotted cream, gateaux, cakes and Bel had specially made him a trifle with hundreds and thousands!
There were also four chefs standing by at the differing sections of food, waiting to serve.
“I thowt I could smell summat bluddy good! Oh Bel! This is wonderful and it must’ve cost ya a gradely fortune. It must’ve taken ya forever to do all this owd lass and ya did it for me?”
“Yis lad, except this time I got the caterers in. Now, you scamper off and enjoy yerself, but don’t make yerself sick eating everything in sight! We don’t want ya to be poorly at yer party again!”
“Bel?”
“Wot?”
“How much did all that grub cost ya?”
“Money and fair words, now …”
“Bel?”
“Wot d’ya want now?”
“Canna give ya a big hug?”
She tutted at him.
“Ya have had a shower haven’t ya?”
“Er … yis Bel! Sort of.”
“Go on then ya daft owd gobsh!te!”
He managed to get his arms a third of the way around her and gave her a big squeeze, blushed then dashed off to stock his belly up with the glorious food.
“Ya know thomething Mith Leekey. It’th tho nithe to watch him thcuttling about. Ya’ve made Cruthty very happy and he’ll get thuch a thurprithe when he findth out wot’th going to happen on Thunday!”
She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye quickly in case someone saw it.
“I know Delroy. He deserves it and I can afford it, so that’s nor’a bad combination is it? Plus the fact that he’s more or less stayed out of mischief for a good while now!”
“Oh yeth. He’th really tried to behave himthelf an’a know that can’t be eathy for him!”
“I’m so glad you could come Delroy as he’s missed you enormously. Will you stay in touch with him as you promised?”
“Yeth of courthe I will. I planned on popping in to thee him over Chrithtmath and bring him a little prethent. Would that be alright d’ya think?”
“Yes lad, he’d be over the moon!”
Just then Crusty came screeching back to be at his Bel’s side. He had two fists full of pies and butties and a big grin on his face having already tucked in to a “proper” meal from the carvery section.
“How are ya doing owd lad? Yer not goin’t ayte me table top off are ya?”
“I’ll givvit a try Bel. Come on Del Boy and let’s get some more snap!”
He stuffed the pie into his mouth, then they skipped off together hand in hand which made Bel laugh then, while he was otherwise occupied, she went into her favourite living room to make a telephone call.
“Hello. This is Crustabel Leekey. I know it’s late but I just want to confirm my bookings for Sunday.”
The operator checked her computer screen.
“Oh yes, here you are Miss Leekey. Flights booked for Miss Crustabel Leekey and Mr Crusty Nibbleswick, first class. The flight leaves Manchester airport at 11 a.m. on Sunday morning, returning on Wednesday at 12 noon.”
“Thank you. I’ll pick the tickets up on my arrival at the airport. Goodbye!”
She strolled back into the Green Room where the party was in full swing. She spotted Crusty and Delroy doing the hokey-cokey in the middle of the room and a few others were just joining them.
Crusty still had a pile of butties in his left mitt which he was keeping a very tight hold of and he was laughing his head off.
Bel watched.
“There! That’s much better now! Much better!”
© Mollie M
22.01.04
Just caught up with Crusty. Had to read the previous couple to get back on track!! Really enjoyed the latest one Mollie and what a lovely surprise Bel had in store for him. Can’t wait to see where she’s taking him.:-D:-D