That must have been very difficult.
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Welcome to the forum ConraddâŠI look forward to reading you⊠
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@Bretrick For as far back as I can remember, I always knew who I was and what my goal in life was. The only slight hiccup was becoming engaged to the wrong lass which was soon rectified when distance did not make the heart grow fonder, being our universities were many 100âs of miles apart.
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I didnât come to acknowledge my being until I was 7 or 8 years old. There were about 36 American families that lived around me and and had 3 brothers. I would fight one of my brothers just about everyday. We were one year apart. And in those five years living around those other American families I had a fight with everyone of them. That is when I become a loner. Back then I didnât care if I won or lost. I just refused to walk away or back down from a fight.
Life was like that through my school years and then joined the Army. I donât know if it was my aggressiveness that had me on the fast track for promotions but I moved up fast.
When ever there was a conflict some were I would volunteer to go. That is when commanders noticed. If there was a problem somewhere, they would (seemed like always) come get me (and my platoon). I made it clear to my commanders âwhat is the finale out come do you wantâ, donât tell me how to do it, just the final result."
I never planned on seeing 30 and somewhere in the back of my mind I was trying to meet that goal. Donât get me wrong I hated the world for some reason.
Around the age of 37, I had pissed off everyone around me in the military. I would notice, especially my seniors would see me coming and avoid me like the plague.
LOL, when they would approach me me I knew they had a hard mission to be fixed. I knew I wasnât going to get anymore promotions because I was in the best position to benefit them.
So at the ripe old age of 39 I retired out of the military. Always took jobs where I was able to keep away from making contact with other people. Got a place where there was no one around me for miles.
To make a long story short, I donât know why I am still around! At this age I just have to live what I have done. Something from my past, come to mind about every day and every night.
I donât know what my God wants from me anymore.
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I think it was when I left home - around a 18.
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I havenât experienced my true self yet but hopefully will do if I pursue a dream I have to create luxury cabins in a magical forest I will create (with existing trees). At itâs heart a stream.
My wife doesnât want to do it so I might have to find a fellow adventurer for this passion.
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A good honest post with no punches being held Robin, thanks for postingâŠ
Accepting who we are is the first step to contentment.
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That was a very moving post, Robin. It is a tough thing to have had such a history to carry with you. Sometimes you donât have to be seeking a purpose at all other than finding some peace and allowing yourself some grace. We are all just human, after all. Peace to you.
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Thank you for posting your story. Life can be very unforgiving and we somehow find ways to cope.
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I found myself, meaning I became aware of myself as an individual, in stages beginning when I hit puberty and the thoughtless stage ended and then stretching over several years with decisive turning points until my mid-twenties when I was fully cognizant of who I was. Reaching that stage had to do with people I met and experiences I had which forced me to make choices that shaped me as an individual. After that time I kept learning a lot but not about myself.
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Iâm not sure I believe that finding yourself is a valid concept, at least not for me.
My beliefs and values have not changed since an early teenager which means I was either very mature or just intransigent.
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The first time I looked in a mirror
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Iâve always been quite self-aware. But you never stop learningâevery year brings different opportunities and threats that change how we are and what we think. Thatâs how I like it, reallyâI never want to think I will stand still. Always growing.
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Yerp, being self-aware is good.
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Luckily I never lost myself, so to speak. Childhood was quite tough, and around 7 or 8 I always knew where I stood with regards to everyone around me, who I cold count on and who I couldnât. Itâs rather hard having no illusions around you at that age.
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I think it was the shock of getting to my 30th birthday, and realising I had not got much to be thrilled about, rootless, single, going from job to job, living in a bedsit Within a year I was married to a wonderful woman, managed to get a council flat, and had a lovely daughter a couple of years later. That was 48 years ago. I was lost, but now Iâm found! 
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Hi, I was 47 when a long marriage I found who I was and what I could be. No more criicising my dress sense, not liking my wish for long walks and generally forgetting my birthday.No more sensible dresses, who cares if my hemline is a bit short and I can invest in new lingerie without the " mutton dressed as lamb " opinions.
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From Baz Luhrmann
Donât feel guilty if you donât know what you want to do with your life
The most interesting people I know
Didnât know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still donât 
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Thanks Baz, for your wisdom, Mikki
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I just love thisâŠ
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