Your thoughts - why do people over give to aquaintances and have time for everyone but their family?

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Did you ever know a person who has all day to have lunch and coffee with mere acquaintances - and brags about her plans like she is Miss Popularity, yet she is too busy to grab a cup of coffee with a sibling?

This person constantly hosts acquaintances in her home, yet will attend family birthday parties HOURS late (and COMPLAINING that this is the LAST thing she has time for) and she attends with projects to get done - so she’s half involved with the party. She’ll write out her bills, clip coupons, answer emails… (She’s not playing tit for tat - Her family attends all of her events and engages. No one brings “things to do.”)

This same person buys gifts for others daily - even gifts for friends of friends - I feel like she tries to one-up everyone with her “thoughtfulness” and “generosity.” She even buys gifts for her nephew’s girlfriend - like she is trying to outdo this boy’s mom with her sweetness and generosity. WHY??? Her dining room table is lined with gifts - one for a cashier whose grandson had a baby, one for an old neighbor she bumped into, one for a sympathy gift for a coworker she barely knows… You would think she’s sweet, but she isn’t. She’s also in so much debt, and she is not getting gifts in return!

I feel badly for her because she’s throwing her money away. I don’t understand it.

This person will talk you out of sending a gift to So and So’s wedding (saying we weren’t invited so NO WAY would I EVER send one) - so you don’t send one against your better judgment. Then she will say months later - “Did I tell you I ended up mailing a gift?” So she looks so sweet and thoughtful when she was the one with the bad things to say!!

Why would a person constantly have to one up and out do and over give to meaningless people in her life, and make quality time for meaningless people? She is NOT a happy person. When I talk to her, which is rare, she is always ANGRY and in a rage over something. I Googled this and I found:

  • People who overgive feel superior to others for their thoughtfulness. She’s better than us? (This makes sense. For ex., who gives young adults little Halloween gifts? She has to outdo all of the other moms all of the time.)
  • People want to feel loved and accepted by as many people as possible - low self-esteem?
  • It’s not coming from a place of generosity and thoughtfulness - she’s filling a need. She’s doing it for herself.

What is happening??? Thank you!

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Only she knows the answer, and maybe not even her. If you ask her, she might be able to tell you. If you did find out the answer, would it make your life better?

This seems like a lot of mental energy on someone else’s problems.

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Outsiders can hardly judge this because they do not know the overall circumstances. The root cause seems to be a conflict within the family since she keeps sending signals to the family by behaving like that. She might feel disappointed by the family and/or disadvantaged and only the family members are in a position to read her.

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Some folks just have Great Expectations!

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You can chose your friends and acquaintances whereas you are stuck with your family but you don’t have to like them.

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That’s certainly not the case with our huge family. It’s family first, last and always.

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People tend to enjoy spending time with folk who make them feel good and avoid or begrudge spending time with folk who make them feel uncomfortable, whether they are family or not.

Perhaps her attitude to her close family members is a subconscious defence mechanism because she feels they are judging her and being critical of her?

Maybe her family are not as judgemental as the OP seems to be but it’s impossible to analyse the dynamics of family relationships when we know none of the people involved.

I have lots of siblings and my relationship with each of them is very different.
There is one sister I particularly love spending time with - she is a very popular member of the family and has many friends too - she is kind, tolerant, interesting, good fun and good company.
At the other end of the scale, there is one sister I particularly dislike spending time with and try to avoid as much as possible, without being impolite.
The main reason I avoid that sister is because she is always being judgemental about everyone else and trying to analyse people and show them up as “lacking something” if they do not think and act in the same way as she does.
When I hear her talking about people, criticising and trying to analyse other family members or people she says are her friends, I can’t help wondering if she is ripping me to shreds in the same way when she talks to other people.
She gets so obsessed with judging other people’s lifestyle choices, she loses sight of how uncomfortable it is for other people to listen to her unpleasant thoughts about them. I’m afraid it just makes her seem unkind and intolerant.
Her judgemental attitude does not engender trust or pleasure in her company.

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Some people are best avoided, family or not…What’s the old saying?
“There’s nowt’ as queer as folk!”
Here’s some rules to live by…

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant! They too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter! For there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and dis-enchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the council of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe; no less than the trees and the stars you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations; in this noisy confusion of life keep pace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world. Be careful, strive to be happy.

From a quotation in old St Paul’s Church. Baltimore c. 1692

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It sounds to me like she needs to be accepted by outsiders,her family accept her for who she is.

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I love spoiling my friends with gifts and phonecall, as they;are always there for me !
My 4 siblings , have been no support to me over the years , plus i dont really like any of them …

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Im not stuck with family bruce , i have nothing to do with nasty siblings

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It sounds as if she’s trying to buy popularity with friends and acquaintances but feels she can take her family as a ‘given’ and can take them for granted and they’ll put up with her worse behaviour

A poor and shallow set of values all round, really, and likely to make her unhappy

Where did it come from, we can’t know

Maybe low self-esteem, a lonely childhood, feeling she only got love and attention if she was ‘good’ and did things to please, getting rejected or bullied in her childhood or adulthood and not being part of the “in-crowd”

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I dont think we can decide “what is happening” when we only hear one side of the story.

I’m not sure why you are so invested i n why she does these things OP - are you one of her siblings and feel upset that she is spending more time with other people and doesnt have time to grab a cup of coffee with you? I’m not sure where you fit into the situation

Some people like buying gifts for others and perhaps they get carrried away at times - but whether she is throwing her money away is her call, I guess we all spend money on things that other people don’t spend it on or that other people don’t understand

Maybe she is happy doing this - if you only speak to her rarely, you only know what she seem like at those rare times.

who knows?

But one thing - dont get talked out of things ‘agaisnt your better judgement’ . If you want to send a wedding present to somebody or whatever, do it regardless of whether or not this other person is.

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