If you prefer your “gossip” with an Australian accent:
Come on, do you seriously think I watch Murdoch’s nonsense?
That’s a tiny step lower than Mail Online, something most people think hardly possible but of course Murdoch achieves it. I can see why you go for it though.
Unlike you, I don’t “presume” … 
I don’t know about that, you certainly have a most amazing talent for derailing your own threads, the “Dame” one was a classic but your skill at this seems to stretch to everything you touch, it is an amazing technique that one cannot help but admire.
Well, you would, wouldn’t you … 
I am sure that I am not alone, it is a talent to be treasured and enjoyed by the masses. In years to come the name of “Omah” will still be whispered about in the corridors of forum legend.
There are not many who can claim to have derailed as many of their own threads as you. You are a giant among derailers.
You are too kind … 
Praise where praise is due.
At this there is no doubt that you are a master.
Of course I am … 
We sit at your feet in awe of your skill.
Of course you do … 
It is just incredible to observe the talent that you have.
Who else but you could turn a mediocre gossip about Harry and Meghan into a revival meeting discussing your own talent.
It is just uncanny how you do it
I know … 
… but I couldn’t do it without your support … 
We know you couldn’t, and, of course, it is the Mail Online that sets you apart from us mere mortals.
No problem worries … 
This is getting like the Australian Tennis Open. Deuce! Or perhaps new balls for both! 
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Let’s hope that ‘rain stops play’ 
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No, alas I have just got bored and it’s time for bed anyway.
Indeed, it’s coming up to 9 o’clock in NSW … 
Well, you know what they say - early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
I am afraid I left you to your ailments, your poverty and your Mail Online but I am back now refreshed after my early morning country walk and raring to go.