Leisurely Scribbles (part 5) (Part 1)

Hobbies & Pastimes Hobbies & Pastimes: Chat / Discussions
1801

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?”

The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there.

The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a British deadbeat, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. “Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God`s Boy down there?”

The bartender nodded, and the deadbeat told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus then touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

As Jesus walked toward the British deadbeat, the deadbeat jumped back and exclaimed, “Don`t touch me, I’m drawing full disability benefit!”

1802

of course not - don’t be silly but I’ve heard them playing “chopsticks in A minors”!

1803

Ohhh,yes…of course,SILLY moi…
Mind you-finding suitable names can be irksome-especially for nippers.
My grandson asked me to think of a name for his school violin group.
He’s 7;so,in a flash of unthinking genius,I came up with “The kiddy fiddlers”!

Yeah…you can imagine how well THAT was received…

1804

The way manufactures advertise their products should be truthful and honest and not misleading, an aware public will appreciate that every time and remember who they are dealing with. I am always of the opinion that if somebody has to tell lies about the product it means that product is below standard therefore no bloody good.
I was misled into buying a packet of “Fun” sized bars recently and fun they certainly were not, one bite and they were gone, you were left disappointed and sad, six bites later and they were all gone,
At first I was hoping to play a game of dominoes with them and have a bit of fun, it did say they were fun on the packet, but they just sat there on the table refusing to join it, fun my arse.
Another thing that was a lie was the name “Fun Sized” A size is a measurement and you cannot measure fun or sadness for that matter. I have written a strongly worded letter to the company outlining this and other faults I found in their labelling, the correct way to describe such bars is “Tiny bars of fattening chocolate and caramel which are not funny” I also advised them that honesty was the best policy, so watch out for the new labels.
Then I woke up.:smiley:

1805

On the positive side, it is much easier to digest a half Marathon, than a full one.

1806

Jem,m’man…you’re not seeing it from the correct persective,bro.
Just imagine it from the advertiser’s [ie,the manufacturer’s] point of view.
Then,close your eyes and imagine those people,leaping up-and-down and chuckling like maniacs,as they frolic in a mountain of money…SUCH FUN! Yes…and YOU made their joyous happiness possible! You CHAMPION,you!

1807

My mate Geordie told me “Howay man,ah’m BRILLYUNT at flirtin’,me!”

Loada crap…we went swimming-he sank!

1808

The Italian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest “I can’t get no contraception” has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to pull out at the last minute.

1809

Back in the 1970’s we had a very good local ballad group, good musicians they were too, three of the members worked in the Sewage department of the city council, the Mandolin player was a shop steward there. They called the group “The Shit Stirrers” I believe they went to Canada in the 1980’s and stayed there.

I knew there was an Irish connection somewhere in the story of the three little pigs, Cunningham was the name of the smart arsed pig who built his house with bricks.;-):slight_smile:

1810

Knocking the Rock again.

I watched Rory Calhoun in a western yesterday, I always liked his acting so I looked him up.
As I mentioned before, the missus was a great fan of Rock Hudson until she found out he was gay. Calhoun had done a three year prison sentence for armed robbery as a youth, it was a well kept Hollywood secret, well Hudson’s agent also managed Calhoun, word was slowly seeping out about Hudson’s homosexuality and the gossip magazine ‘Confidential’ was about to spill the beans on Hudson, remember this was back in the 1950’s, the agent (Henry Wilson) struck a deal with the editor of Confidential, he would let them have all the beef about Calhoun’s spell in the nick provided they bury the Hudson story. The swine!, can you imagine your own agent throwing you to the wolves to make himself more money on the bigger name actor? that’s what it boils down to whatever way you look at it.
I was telling the wife this, all she said was “I don’t want to know anything about them, gangsters and whore masters the lot of them are in Hollywood”
Well I was left with me mouth open, I mean what can you say to that, she never quite got over that scoundrel Rock Hudson, misleading all those innocent girls into dreaming they had a chance, another swine!:smiley:

1811

oh come off it Jem and Mrs Jem Rock Hudson wasn’t letting anyone down apart from himself. He was a handsome hunk of a man and swarth with it and he was simple playing a role that had been written for him and he made money from. Like any other gay person being who they are and holding down a job. get over it you two!! :shock::shock:

1812

Yes Gumbud, you are right, it’s just jealousy on my part, he was a handsome swine. I shall pray for his canonisation, who knows, he might become the patron saint of gays yet.;-):slight_smile:
Come to think of it, who is the patron saint of gay men? Is it that fella with all the arrows sticking in him, saint Sebastian? I think it’s him.

1813

…and whos the patron saint of gemsmiths??? boy George??

1814

Some folks never learn.

1815

yes spittie we know that but we give you full marks for trying!

1816

S’up gummy-someone stolen your diamante stilettos?
I couldn’t give a hoot who loves whom,or how,regardless of gender,colour or any other inconsequential difference or similarity. What gets up my nose is wankers who start wars,then stay firmly on safe territory while other people’s children/parents have to go die,as a consequence. And DON’T give me any bollocks about ‘terrorism’…they’re FUNDED. During my time in uniform,every single time my unit ended up in DS,the opponents had weaponry & ammo,along with various bits of kit,from transportation,to instruction in positioning/setting eod’s that was supplied by external supporters…and don’t forget the arms dealers,all making fortunes but staying well away.
Meanwhile,my oppos were coming home under flags. No. Just,no. We’ve had enough.

1817

I didn’t say a word puggie honestly!! but you do seem to have got ya knickers in a twist somewhat. when that happens to me my bollocks hurt a lot!

1818

Sometimes, it is better to keep yer Bollocks, above the Neckline.

1819

what ya mean hangin over ya ears?? god that would hurt wouldn’t it?

The man with the long hangin bollocks

It started when he reached his pubes
His bollocks just grew to his shoes
They would peep out his toes
Shook when he blew his nose
Had to blacken em just like his shoes

The doctor said oh my oh my
Do they bring waters; when they swing; to yours eyes
I suggest have them hung over ears deftly strung
And pierced with some gems uhm uhm!

1820

deleted - been hangin around too long - bollocks!