Despise don’t figure in my vocabulary, it should, but it don’t.
God is there no end to the war films on TV?
Day in day out they have them on, heroes to the left and right, the enemy above you and below you, and the other day as I sat down to relax with a bit of TV there’s Chuck Norris taking on a battalion of Vietnamese soldiers single handed and blowing everything in front of him up, as me granny would say “God! isn’t he a great little oulfella altogether”
Then today we have another one called “The War Lover”, no not starring GW Bush and Tony Blair. 
Yesterday in another war film a soldier was being decorated for bravery because he “single handedly took out a German machine gun nest” and good luck to him, but that’s the third film I’ve seen in the past week where German machine gun nests were taken out.
With all these war films on TV I actually had a nightmare last night, I had fallen asleep in the armchair and when I woke up I made my way up the stairs to bed. There at the top of the stairs was a German machine gun nest!, I woke up with me hands in the air screaming “Don’t shoot! I surrender! I surrender!.
Once on a solo mission I donned a pair of thick gloves, put a flour bag over me head with two holes for me eyes to see out, and armed with just a hook at the end of a long pole and a smoke sprayer I bravely took out a wasps nest from the shed, and do you think I got a medal? not a bit of it, all she said through the open window and from the safety of the kitchen was, “Are they gone yet?, hurry up I want to hang out me washing on the line”
Dear Lord, If ever a man suffered.
I was never a soldier long enough to get a medal, and I wasn’t even in the regular army, I just did the 2 years part time reserve and thought I’d never get out of it, armying was not for me, yes I know there’s no such word but it fits in with the army, they even tell the time differently just to be awkward, who ever heard of one day having thirteen hundred hours?, “Alright lads, set your watches to thirteen hundred hours, we’re goin’ over” yeah that’s what they say in the films.
I do love films, but I don’t enjoy war films. sports films, romantic films, and musicals, anything else is OK with me.
Talking of machine guns, how about this song about cows with guns, farming folk be afraid, be very afraid.;-)
Chickens in Choppers:lol:
I was a bit of an easy touch in the Pub Jem, Never liked to see any of the lads left out so, when they were short of a few Bob, I would buy the beer, eventually I became known as Spitty the Gatling Gun, the guy who could Buy 200 Rounds a minute.:-)
Spitty the gatling gun. 
Ah the old round system in the pub, I remember a campaign running here back in the 70’s by the temperance crowd to get rid of it because it encouraged access drinking, say for example you went into the pub with five mates and you got the first round in, you would have to hang on until the last chap got his round otherwise you’d miss out a pint on your original ‘investment’.
The campaign didn’t work because the round system was traditionally engrained in the drinking population, passed down from father to son over many generations, and anyone who went for a pint with his friends and said he was buying his own was frowned upon as being a miser, old traditions die very hard over here.
It did however slowly ease out around the early 90’s when the price of drink became too dear and folks were reluctant to risk an ‘investment’ resulting in everyone buying their own drink, or at least splitting into pairs.
I still buy the first round when I’m with my family, but I wouldn’t be able to have more than three pints for the night at my age, after that the younger family members just leave me out and carry on, that suits me fine.
Indeed that great comic novelist Brian O’Nolan, who, along with his mate Brendan Behan were probably the best authorities on Dublin pub culture that ever lived, they ought to be they spent the best part of their adult lives in tough inner city pubs, spit and sawdust kips as they were called then.
O’Nolan was a terrific observer of bar room behaviour during the 40s/50s/60’s he wrote something like this if I remember correctly.
“In a Dublin public house, a seasoned married man will treat his wife and his pint with complete indifference, unless one or both are knocked down in his presence”
How true that is in a way, I know a few well married men who take their wives out to the local regularly and both of them just sit together silently not saying a word to each other all night, but if someone accidentally spilt his pint or tried to chat up his wife, watch out.
These lads made a song and dance about getting a round.
How true that is in a way, I know a few well married men who take their wives out to the local regularly and both of them just sit together silently not saying a word to each other all night, but if someone accidentally spilt his pint or tried to chat up his wife, watch out.
In philosophical circles, they were referred to as “Stoic Suppers”, a manifestation that time and society has all but eradicated.:lol::lol::lol:
I had to look up that word ‘Stoic’ Spitty, I came across it a few times before but forgot what it meant.
Stoic: “A person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining”
It describes the situation perfectly, it’s also the story of my life so I won’t be forgetting again it in a hurry. ;-)
There was an old chap I used to know from a pub in town near where I worked at the time, Mick Delaney, a retired glazier, he always brought his lovely wife Lily in for a drink anytime he had a few bob, they were the complete opposite, no “Stoic supper” with them pair, they were both members of an amateur musical society in their younger days and were quite talented. He always referred to her as “Lady Delaney” and she called him “Squire Delaney” even though they were as poor as church mice.
As soon as the first pint was down, the pair of them (Lily could swallow pints of stout to beat the band) would start to recite Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet scenes, then graduate to singing love song duets from famous musicals, Nelson Eddy and Janet McDonald had nothing on them pair. the regulars loved it
Mick had a nice little trick going for him to subsidise his miserable state pension, he would rise in the small hours of the morning and walk into the city centre when there wasn’t a soul about with his little tapping hammer and notebook tucked away in his inside pocket.
He would go from shop to shop checking the little square panels of thick glass that covered the grills outside, if he found one broken he would jot down the name of the shop, and if none were broken he would take out his hammer and give one a swift well aimed sharp crack and with the butt of the hammer shove the glass in.
Later in the day and armed with his tool box he would call to the selected shop and point out to the manager the dangers of a ladies high heel or a small child’s foot catching in the open square hole, the damages would run very high in a court case, and as he was just passing by and had the trained eye of a master glazier who was on his way to another job, he might be able to squeeze this job in if it was worth his while.
It never failed, I’m sure most of the shops were wise to him after a while, but their hands were tied and what was a few shillings to the then very profitable city centre shops.
God rest the pair of them, great characters and a very cheerful couple.
Mick is probably glazing away in heaven now, fixing the windows that let the perpetual light shine upon all the good souls, either that or he’s smashing the windows of hell trying to get out.
In the workplace, unusual characters were ostracised, their difference was a breath of fresh air, and for me, a certain sadness when they disappeared, you have probably departed by now, Captain Birdseye. RIP
You were Idle, as the day is long, but, you added value, that is priceless.
The TV in the sitting has been acting up lately, blanking out for a few seconds then coming back on again, sound getting lower while watching a programme, all very aggravating, it’s over ten years old now and I think it’s finally had it.
My son was over today and he was telling me about a new TV he copped on the internet, not a well known brand in this corner of the world but the reviews it got were fantastic and he had one delivered three weeks ago, (43” €350) he’s very pleased with it so far, it seems this is the most popular TV in China today.
He knows I’m on the lookout for a new 4K TV but I don’t want the usual ‘Smart TV”. they are useless as you can only download certain apps approved by the makers, this one is android and you can load as many apps as you like from where you like, I think that’s important, too many smart TVs take on a controlling role these days, we should all be able to make our own choices in the apps we download.
I told him to go ahead and order one for me, I don’t want a huge screen as we have a small sitting room, 43” will suit us, anything bigger would look ridiculous.
I’ve just finished eating a Mr. Kipling sponge cake, delicious!
Did you know Mr. Kipling had a cousin called Mr. Kiplong?
He wasn’t a baker, he was a chemist and he made exceeding good sleeping tablets. 
Boom boom!, crap I’ll admit… but original none the less.
What are ya wanting Apps on you TV For? For me, I like a TV that will fit in the downstairs Khasi, why you may ask, its simple, I like things “Bog Standard”:lol:. Said before. in 1978 the group Be Bop Delux Predicted the situation we now find ourselves in with electrical appliances, a track called Superenigmatix “There’s one in the TV, and its waiting there to please me”:lol: Bugger Apps, just want a Tele without an errant Remote Control, just want to press the button, and, the TV to respond first time, does that make a person a Control Freak?
What do I want apps on the TV for?
Well first, and most important to me, are the security cameras, I have four of them in good strategic positions covering the house and the front back and side garden, with the right app I can view the whole four together in a four way split screen using the app tools, or singly at the flick of the remote control, i can record, zoom in and out, take single still shots and change the rotating angles too.
Then there’s the Mobdro app, one of several that lets me view the two racing channels for free plus channels from all over the world, very handy that one.
It’s great to have them all on the same TV, saves having to have various boxes and wires all aver the place, the wife hates to see too many wires and the less wire you have the quieter the wife, and oh what joy that brings to a man.
You might consider getting a few security cameras in Spitty when you have all your work done on your home, a lot of sheds and out buildings are targets for thieves now, and it’s far less expensive than you’d think if you do it yourself, my cameras were less than €20 each and I have them a few years now. I’m not really technically minded, the cameras today are simple to use, just a basic understanding and anyone can install cameras and get them online so you can check your home from anywhere when your away.
Have you ever been out lazing in the garden in good Summer weather when suddenly a neighbours burglar alarm goes off?, they are away on holiday and the thing keeps going all day until the battery is exhausted.
Well good news for you, the age of the unattended alarm pest is past, cameras have taken over now and everything is there on record, so if you happened to get burgled all the evidence is on hard drive for the coppers.
Just one look and the culprit is nabbed.
Oh I forgot to add as a warning, one can become totally obsessed with security cameras, it nearly happened to me when I was tempted to buy the ultimate all bugles and bells 32 camera kit complete with 3 TB of recording space in the control box, thankfully I was rescued when the missus talked me out of it, it was touch and go for a while as I hoovered on the border of becoming a camera dependent freak.
Here’s a useful site for those who suspect they may be in danger of becoming a Cameraholic. “Lookawaynow@gmail.com”, you answer 12 simple questions like “Do you frequently dream of cameras?” and “Do you ever take a sneaky shot just before you go to bed”. if you say yes to 5 of them then you are a cameraholic.
The Securiy Camera Freak.
By Jem 14/7/20
There’s a camera at the entrance, just above the gate
There’s a camera in the letterbox to see if the post is late.
There’s a camera at the door, it lights up and emits a pleasant scent
There’s a camera in the window, but that’s just an ornament
There’s a camera in the kitchen, there’s a camera in the hall
There’s a camera in the mantel clock, but you can’t see that at all.
There’s a camera in the garden, to watch the birds and bees
There’s a camera on the dogs belly, to check for any fleas.
They’ll have a camera on my headstone, six feet above my head
And a camera in my coffin, to see if I’m really dead.
Nice one Spitty.
When I first got married back in the 60’s we lived for a short while in a new housing estate. There was a new pub there too and I decided to try it out one night, this is true by the way.
At the bar was a grey haired man of about 70 sitting alone, both his arms were missing and when he needed to swallow his pint he gripped the rim of the glass in his teeth, raised it to his mouth and took a long gulp, then he placed it down again, he seemed well used to doing this.
There was a good crowd in the place but yet he was left alone at the bar. I asked the chap next to me why nobody talked to the old man, was he black listed by the rest of them or what?
“No son” says yerman “It’s just that when he want’s to go to the toilet he asks the nearest to him to take him out and help him to go, unbutton his fly that kind of thing, so if there’s nobody near him to ask, one of the the barmen has to do the honours” :shock:
He also told me that those who had helped him before said he was a randy old devil and was to be avoided.
“Oh I see” says I as I finished me pint and left, thankful that I hadn’t sat at the bar, I decided to use the other older pub down the road from then on, just to be on the safe side.
There was an old joke doing the rounds just after the Korean war, about chancers who were never there but were taking advantage of it. It seemed everybody was talking about Korea when i was growing up, then came the endless war films about it.
A fella walks into a bar and calls for a pint, he’s dressed in an old army greatcoat and all hunched up, his only hand is shaking, the barman asks him is he OK and yerman says.
“Oh I’ll be alright in a minute” he holds up the stump where his left hand used to be and says “Korea you know”
The barman takes pity on him and tells him the pint is on the house.
The next day another fella comes in dressed in an army tunic thats too small for him, he has a patch over his right eye and he’s acting very nervously as he calls for a pint. “I’m a bit shell shocked, I lost me eye as well, but I’ll be alright once I get the pint down me, I was in Korea if you must know”
“That’s terrible, the drink is on the house auld son” says the barman.
The following day a chap comes into the bar and calls for a drink, his jacket is all wrinkled, one lapel is shorter than the other, and the sleeves are way too long, the buttons don’t button, and the cuffs completely cover his two hands as he places them on the counter.
The barman, now a bit grumpy at the thoughts of having to give away another free drink says “I suppose you were in Korea too?”
“No Sir, never been in the army in me life, I just collected this made to measure suit from Burtons tailors and I’m badly in need of a double whiskey after the shock.
I think you’d have to be of my generation the get that joke, Burtons suits were the worst in the world, and H Samuel were the worst jewellers in the world.
This song was one of my mothers favourites in 1952, it was featured a lot on the radio then and I remember it well, I once said to her “Hey Ma, how come Joe Stafford sings like a girl?”
What is it with dogs? Have they got more senses than we have?
My little fella knows when there are strange dogs approaching from a long way off even if he can’t see them and they are well out of smelling range.
How he knows this is beyond me, he is not allowed jump up on the window ledge so he cannot see them, the front gate is a good 15 feet from the front window, and even it the dogs are on the other side of the road he knows they are there, how is this possible I wonder?
Another thing with my dog, anytime under normal circumstances when I was returning from the local, and although he can’t see me he would start barking as soon as I arrived at the top the road, alerting the wife at a good 100 yards from my house, have dogs got built in radar or what? I am truly puzzled by this gift they have of seeing through concrete walls.
I think they should forget about going to Mars and spend the dosh on picking the brains of dogs and other animals, they obviously know plenty that we don’t know, we have lived with them all through human history and yet their thinking remains completely alien to us, I believe that if we want to advance our own thinking we could try contacting our own animal aliens here on earth, not so daft when you realise that almost all of our most effective medicines come from plants, another form of life, maybe all the answers to our problems are right here on this planet just waiting to be discovered.;-)
Some ads are really stupid, talk about buying a pig in a poke, i refer to the one about buying a used car without leaving your sofa.
Five to one that bad things can happen when you buy a car without leaving your sofa, you could end up with a car worth less than your sofa, and even harder to get rid of, and you’ve only yourself to blame.
So if you want to buy a decent car get up off your fat arse and go out and shop around for one.
After Bonnie went, I said “No more Dogs”, but was out voted, so, accepting the inevitable, saw a picture of Maisie, my comment was, That is one very knowing Dog, we ended up with her and I wasn’t proved wrong.
She found her way back, after 24 hours in a dangerous situation, say no more.
Yes Spitty, when they get out it’s a very worrying time, I had to make a small wooden fence to fix at the end of the hedging after my lad went missing for a couple of hours, he had squeezed out under the hedge, luckily some one found him about a mile away and seen the address on his collar disc.
Spotted this on the BBC news site.
https://i.postimg.cc/qMLf0g8h/113483601-beetle-1.jpg
What was I saying about cameras everywhere?
God almighty the poor unfortunate insects are not even safe now.
What they hope to gain from observing the daily routine of yer ordinary garden variety beetle I don’t know.
Now if it was a dung beetle they might get some useful information that the civil service could use, dung beetles are experts at shifting crap from place to place.
Alright so it weighs a tenth of a playing card, but that’s no excuse, just look at the skinny legs on the poor beetle, the camera is so heavy on it’s back that it’s chest is touching the ground, that would be like a man carrying ten paving slabs on his back in the one go, excruciating work, that’s cruelty in my opinion, but then who cares about insects, it’s OK to slaughter them by the billions.
Did Yoko Ono crush the Beatles?. :shock:
They were never the same after she entered the picture, I used to love them before she came on the scene, then they began to row amongst themselves and eventually split up, such a shame for four nice lads from off the street getting a big break, who knows how many nore great song the could have written had they stayed together for a few more years. Harrison was always my favourite Beatle, rest his soul.
Just to keep you updated, I have reported the treatment of that poor beetle to the International Court of Wildlife Crime,
I got a swift reply back from them saying
“Thank you for your concern James, I can assure you steps are afoot to stamp out this practice as I write”
I’m not sure how to take that message, steps, feet, and stamping,? not exactly music to a beetle’s ears is it? :shock:
Does anyone remember a long running newspaper cartoon strip called “Jiggs and Maggie”? It was also available in comic form.
Maggie’s favourite word for Jiggs was “insect”. I remember reading it every night in the Evening Mail, a paper that closed down in the early 60’s here.
Maggie was a terror, I actually knew some men who had wives like Maggie, of course there were no complaints from them, I mean what kind of man back then would own up to being battered by a woman. ;-)
Jiggs was a martyr to the gout, just like me at the moment but I’m not complaining, it could be worse and it always passes, besides Phyllis is a bit more sympathetic than Maggie and her rolling pin has long been decommissioned.
All the health and economy experts are lining up on TV these days to tell us all what to do during this crisis, but are they really experts? What is a true expert?
Definition of EXPERT
“One with the special skill or knowledge representing mastery of a particular subject”
The key word there is “Mastery”
In my opinion the whole ‘expert’ system needs to be revised urgently, the expert market is overrun with Mickey Mouse professors and chancers, now more than ever with the internet.
I was looking at a young chap on TV described as an expert in technology explaining the way a smart TV works to a potential customer, he knew about how to stick in the connections, switch it on and off and how to tune it in, but so does almost everyone else, there is nothing expert or masterly about that.
Big electrical shops will ask you in their ads to consult “one of our experts” in the shop, well in one particular well known electrical shop I used to use (now gone and no loss either), the experts must have been on permanent holidays because all I ever got were ordinary counter hands with minimal knowledge of the products they sell, and I don’t blame them, I blame their employers for not training them properly and then expecting too much from them while paying them buttons.
Expert is a very big word to my way of thinking, the top of the game, he who knows all in his field, to be the best at what one does, not just to give one the impression that you are the best.
I think the danger here lies in the way the general public take the word of these people as gospel and wouldn’t dream of questioning them, “Professor Plum told me all about it and he’s an expert, he knows it all, end of story” Then when things don’t turn out right all the experts disappear, gone to ground, not available for comment, etc.
Bearing in mind that nobody is infallible I think the bottom line is never declare yourself an expert until you’ve proved in the field that you are expert.
Maybe they could start to grade expert status. For instance, a grade A expert, then a grade B,C, and so on, with possibly an F for the chap who just makes the tea. Fat chance methinks, not doubt it would only be the same ‘experts’ grading their pals in a closed shop situation.
Yes I can truly say I’ve had me belly full of experts lately, especially since this coronavirus thing, wear a mask, don’t wear mask, for Christ’s sake they can’t even agree on a simple thing like that.:shock: