Pug my dear fellow, you was only allowed one weeks break.
Of course you were badly missed and it’s great to see you again, pull over a chair.
Tell me this my learned friend, why do they say when a criminal escapes jail that he is “At large” In these times of political correctness would that not be insulting to obese and vertically challenged persons?
That’s wot I was trying to say, ta Jem.
I have six audio books of Billy Bunter read by Martin Jarvis, then were given to me by my son some years ago, Jarvis does all the voices brilliantly, I love his Mr. Quelch, like listening to a radio play with a full cast. I have started to listen to them again and I’m enjoying them very much.
Bunter was one of my favourite characters when I was a boy, part of the schoolboy never left me and I still can enjoy these simple stories, probably all of them would never be allowed to be aired on TV or radio as they were written in todays society with the political correctness / health and safety people having a seizure, I was surprised to see them available on Amazon @ £8.75.
Charles Hamilton, who wrote the stories under the pen name Frank Richards wrote over 100 million words in his lifetime (imagine having him on a forum:-)), equivalent to 1,200 full sized novels, making him the most prolific writer in history. He died in 1961.
“Oh crikey! Let go you beast!” Sorry lads, that was the wife tugging at me to get my attention.;-)
All that is OK for Charles, but pales into insignificance, after your admittance Jem, that you know Big Brother.
Yuss. Jolly good. I see the mean level of conversational acuity has risen greatly,during my enforced absence,chaps. Errm,Jem…I believe the ‘at large’ you refer to is an archaic reference to being ‘Not restricted’ [as opposed to Unrestricted-an entirely different thing,y’see]. Back in’t day,when it were all fields around here and gumbud could touch his toes,ambassadors for countries were invariably referred to as ‘Ambassador at large’,as they had largess to negotiate and/or work in agreement with,as many countries as required or asked for,their offices. Yes. Ok-where’s the kettle?
Thanks Pug, I knew I could depend on you, if you didn’t know you could always make up your own answer, that’s what I do all the time, I learned that from a politician friend I had, his motto was “If you don’t know don’t let it show” very successful he was to and stayed in politics all his life.
I’ll remember that the next time the wife asks me if her bum is big in something “Well let’s just say it’s at large my dear, but who want’s a restricted arse anyway?”
NO,ya MUPPET!
Oh,ff…look,pay attention,Jem…
Using both command of erudition,plus an etymology that could melt libraries,it goes like this…
“Does my bum look big in this dear?”
“Dearest,I am captivated & near-hypnotised by your plush curvaciousness-and it’a VERY small room”.
Other versions;should one be [foolishly] unafraid of female wrath:-
“Does my bum look big in this,dear?”
“Last time I saw an arse that size,Lester Piggot was whipping it!”
…I’ll leave you to ponder which response is most likely to finish in A&E.
Yes Pug, I think it’s wiser to say nothing, the crowds in the A&E here are unbelievable at this time of year, she’s busy now in the paddock, sorry kitchen, working on the Christmas pudding. 
is that a ‘big bum’ xmas pudding ? me ma used to make lovely xmas puddings and hang them in a cloth from the ceiling clothes hoist - she would say " eh by gum gummie lad that one’s nearly as big as ya sisters bum!
I’ve just found out that my car is end of the world proof, it has an Apocalyptic Converter fitted.
Back in the 50’s and the comic’s Christmas annuals, usually the Beano and Dandy were full of plum puddings, they were huge back then, and the ladies who cooked them all had small bottoms, I noticed todays puddings are getting smaller by the year and the ladies bottoms are getting bigger, I wonder are they trying to tell us something indirectly?
There’s another thing, why do the call them plum puddings, i never got a plum in any pudding I’ve eaten, and I’ve never seen the missus putting any plums into her pudding.:shock:
On reflection Pug, I was thinking over the big bum question again and I came up with an idea, in the clothing stores the makers of these garments already have a little tag on them giving the size, but some ladies may think they will fit into a size smaller,(hence the perpetual question “Does my bum look big in this dear?") when they select a garment the customer is then directed into a little room, inside the private room there are a series of big round holes at waist level cut out of the wall, over each hole is a number, like B1 and B2 and so on, the bum of the client is inserted into the space they think is the closet and most comfortable fit, satisfied with that they then go back and ask the assistant for the same garment in a B4 or whatever, problem solved. I’m sure RJ would have first hand information about fitting rooms.
But be careful ladies, If you are a B52 you could be commandeered by the Air Force to go on a bombing mission.
RJ looks to either side & says
“Im free”
I’ll look in my old diaries for some more
“Confessions of a retired Shopkeeper”
for you Jem
It can be to the detriment of the individual, to minimise, the Gluteus Maximus.
wasn’t he an overweight alcoholic in the Roman Army ?
No, just a bit of a arsehole.
now there may be a bit of a misnomer if I saw one - one has two buttocks sometimes called ‘the arse’ but does it have ’ a hole’ - ah wait I hear you exclaim if it doesn’t nothing will come out ?? right wrong.
even if you look at a resting arse you will never see a hole -what you will see is something resembling a wrinkled up octopus - medically known as the sphincter or sphincter muscle - beyond which is the rectum which in a normally resting state is still not a hole - it is a ‘flattened tube’
remember as we strive hard sometimes to void ourselves we are pressing against a very strong muscle as named above to void the full contents of the rectum which once empty flattens again.
so there was I digging this hole - hole in the flaw of an arsehole one can’t ignore
anyway may your rectums for ever remain deflated and your sphincters terribly tight!
All this knowledge is laudable provided it was gained from a text book or classroom, and not form a glass coffee table and a polaroid camera.
i used to be an upside down ENT man!
What about Umbilicus Cordius back in the days when the Romans had midhusbands instead of midwives for all the important births, he had the honourable task of delivering the babies sired by the Caesar of the day, although an alcoholic, he successfully delivered over 500 babies in his lifetime without dropping one of them, he also did circumcisions on the side, as you would expect there were some near misses in this operation when he had a skin full of wine, he wasn’t paid for the circumcisions, but he was allowed keep the tips.;-)