hello my name is miss bottom - well that’s my stage name I have other names too. I work in a hardware store as an accountant - [we have gotten rid of most of the ants now] and I am so so efficient that I often have time to sit and talk to the customers and for my favorite ones make coffee - [it’s only instant Nescafe]
we have this fellow Mr Gumbud who drops in every other day and tells us plenty of jokes but we do chat about life in general and what we would love to do if we had plenty of money.
Mr Gumbud is a friendly and comforting thing who listens to me intensively and I feel myself sometimes becoming hypnotized as I gaze into his eyes. Will this make me go blind?
I would like to spend more time in deeper discussion but the hubby often pops in to buy nick nacks [I feel he is checking up on me too?]
please advise what would be a romantic course to take with gummy??
Dear Miss Bottom:
May I say,I applaud your wisdom in asking the guidance of such paragons of sagacity as Professor Pug, OBE [Old Brown Edges] & Doctor Jem, CBE [Crystal Burnishing Engineer] regarding your dilemma.
Having perused your problematical heart-rending dilemma over several pints of espresso,then sat pondering solutions as several 'J’s were savoured,I believe I have an answer to your problem,that will bring an end to your distress. It may,on first reading,seem radical-but take a moment to consider my offered solution to your problem & you’ll see the ingenuity behind the thinking,that makes it foolproof.
Sit your current partner down,in a quiet place,just the two of you,alone-ply him with a drink,kiss him erotically…and tell him that,since the operation,you enjoy sex more than you ever did as a man.
This will have the effect you so deeply desire,you may even be surprised at such ability,as you watch Hussein Bolt’s record for the 100-metre sprint annihilated,as your chap disappears into the distance.
Then,put on your very sexiest,close-fitting skimpy little dress,ensure your kitten-heels and handbag match-and slink over to Sex-God Gumbud’s humble dwelling,pausing only to allow his neighbours take multiple photos and videos of you wriggling toward his front door. As he opens it to see who’s arrived,grasp him in your muscul…er…firmest grip,then,leaning over him,use your tongue to open his throat as you breath the words “I’m yours-TAKE me,big boy!” and guide his trembling hand toward your recently-installed ‘lady parts’. I assure you,Miss Bottom-the result of such action by you will make a LASTING impression on gumbud,who’s captured your heart-and on Youtube. Love conquers all…
posted on behalf of Ms Bottom via an intermediary??
0Oh oh oh professor Pug no less – gosh – you can Pug me anytime and the just as eminent Dr Jem a master at opening anything with his blow torch; he can burnish my crystals anytime.
Your suggestions and recommendations at first glance sound foolproof but I fear that I have inadvertently mislead you both although I understood that only a certain Jem was dealing with this inquiry in the first place ; how was Professor Pug allowed to peruse my very personal and private correspondence and men too!! [I demand a refund]
however I shall continue.
Whilst the first task with my current partner may very well be successful I must confess that I omitted to add that dear Mr G has no adjoining neighbours ; and also three vicious dogs who live outside and wait to pounce on any unwary visitor – slinking and wriggling may have to be at super speed and could see me easily toppled. Additionally [and you where not to know this fact] but my little tongue IS very little – so even if I ever got near his throat I think anatomically and physically it would be impossible to perform this orally cunnilingus activity!
Ps: I don’t believe I have ever had the pleasure of using Youtube – do you rub this in between your breasts or thighs?
Dear Lonely Hearts’ Club,
Please be on notice that I am an independent agent acting on behalf of a private client who wishes to remain anonymous, as she is afraid of mices.
My client has a job counting ants for a small hardware shop and has recently become the object of desire for a silly old phart who for some unknown reason started to shower her with gifts.
Initially these presents were quite innocuous, but quite unusual in their choice, the first of which being bird of game in a fruit tree. More birds followed on a daily basis, each gradually increasing in size and number. Two doves with shells and the ability to swim underwater, three hens that had been trained to speak French, even though it is not a language common to either my client, to whom I shall refer as Miss Pert, nor her paramour, the old phart.
Next came four more birds of dubious pedigree that called to each other incessantly, making telephone enquiries to the shop quite difficult to comprehend.
After five rings of some shiny metal were received, Miss Pert contacted the Police as she was concerned they may be stolen. However it turned out that they were legitimately purchased, but were of fake gold so the Fraud Squad were contacted. This resulted in several undercover ossifers being installed in the shop, but this worried the staff and regular customers alike when they were seen repeatedly sticking their fingers in their ears and talking into their lapel button holes.
Subsequent to this, more avian gifts were received to the point where the shop was raided by the RSPCA who were concerned that the birds were not being properly cared for. Furthermore, complaints were received by customers who had to wade knee deep through thick foul smelling guano to browse, often finding nests amongst the cook pots in the kitchen department.
This then resulted in the hardware shop's café receiving a hygiene inspection from the local council
The local monastery and members of the Royal Family boot boys paid a visit and the owner was “warned off” as there were rumours that roast swan was on the menu.
Trading Standards also got involved when the shop owner decided to make the best of things by selling off goose eggs.
The environmental problems got worse with the arrival of a herd of cows accompanied by milkmaids.
Fights broke out over the ladies between the men who outnumbered the women by two to one.
Couples were caught "in the act" in cupboards and across product displays.
Visits were had from the noise abatement society and council environmental ossifers due to complaints from neighbours about incessant drumming coming from the shop, in addition to screaming cats (although this turned out to be a small group of itinerant Scotsmen playing bagpipes,) and small troup of travelling lady dancers.
The final straw came when Miss Pert discovers a bunch of ten Peers of the Realm jumping all over the place and smashing crockery as they went on a drunken rampage.
Miss Pert had been checked into a home for the menatally disturbed but is expected to make a full recovery once the gifts have stop coming and the shop is once again returned to the calm oasis it used to be.
Meanwhile, a cease and desist order has been issued against the old gent who started all this. Whilst it is believed his intentions were honourable, it is believed that he did not do a proper risk assessment before starting this debacle.
Yours. Proff F. Cake.
oh dear - there is only troi of us sitting having coffee and a chat lonely hearts club seems to have a world of its own and possible takes in a lot of magic mushrooms ?
nb: why was it difficult to put more rubbish in the bin full of toadstools?
Ans: cos there’s not mushrooms inside it?
This joke was brought to you curtesy of a certain Lonny Donegan esquire whilst singing the praises of his dear old dad who worked for the local council “on the bins.”
I love that solution Pug, that should put a stop to his gallop, dirty old git.
Very well done Fruity, great stuff.
I have passed Miss Bottom’s query on to Helga the ex head screwess from Holloway Prison who now runs an agony aunt page in the “Lockup’ magazine. Here is her reply Miss bottom, I warn you she has no time for silly women.
Remember her slogan “If you have a query friend let Helga help”
Dear Miss Bottom, your case is similar to many I receive on a daily basis and I’m getting sick of it, it’s simply girl fascination with older men, the Daddy figure is the cause of this, too much attention from Daddy for his little Princess in the early years, it has ruined many a good girls life.
My advice to you Girlie is to get a grip on yourself and avoid this Gumbud gentleman and his tall stories about running away with you if he had lots of money, run away? why he probably has to use a cane to walk. By the way if me calling you ‘Girlie’ annoys you, too bad, someone has to drum some sense into you.
Most of these randy smooth talking oldies are only after one thing from foolish young girls like you, your Granny, yes that’s the target in 90% of these cases, they are not able for the young ones anymore you see, so whatever you do don’t ask him home or he’ll be chasing the Granny round the kitchen table like a buck rabbit in Springtime.
I suggest you dump him promptly, or if you wish to be kinder the next time he comes into the shop tell him that your Granny died a few years ago, that should put a stop to his romancing and galavanting, he probably has a wife at home already who “doesn’t understand him” can’t say I blame her, he has a half Australian and a half Liverpool accent, only God understands that.
Now be off with yourself and find a nice young man your own age, there’s no future in old men.
Sob! sob! sob! Sob! sob! sob! Sob! sob! sob! - why does all the cynicism have to focus on the lonely old man - we have our pride - our
Noblesse oblige ; our need for the fair princess and a good grope under the blankets!!
Oh dear what is to be done, something has struck our little Gum.
I can offer no solution to your current demise. I have a shoulder to cry on, as I hear his cries.
As for young Robert, I am very sorry to read, I am always here if it’s comfort you need.
The rest of you fellows are having some fun, so I will clear off now, my work here is done.
Thank you sweetie, he’s big and ugly enough to look after himself.;-)
Ah Gummy you do me proud, all taken in the true scribblers spirit, a man who can give and take in the interest of good craic, full marks to you oul son.
I see big buttons are in the news this week.
Kim: I have my finger on the big button”
Him: “I gotta big button on my desk too, it’s bigger than your button and my button works”
Kim: “But I’m getting another big button soon and it’ll make your big button useless”
Him: “Well my guys are working on the mother of all buttons, capable of dwarfing all the buttons put together”
All together now
“East is east and west is west
And the wrong one I have chose
Let’s go where they keep on wearin’
Those frills and flowers and buttons and bows
Rings and things and buttons and bows”
pity they’re not required to press their buttons with their cock! - bird that is! now that would be a real competition! getting them onto the dias would be the first problem!
Re: lonely hearts club - I will be dropping into the hardware store today so should be able to assess Miss Bottoms current ardor for the eloquent elderly slightly graying [silvery] gentleman around town - I will take particular note of ‘curling lip edges’ ; “twinkling of the eyes” “quivering nostrils” and “length of gaze” - I have them all myself!
you can fret me back anytime ya want sweetie - there’s nothing I like better than a good scratch with the fret - long red finger nails are equally welcome!
There is no reason to call him a pansy just because his real name was Marion. It’s a very nice name and shouldn’t be mocked, or anyone else who has that name.
I remember Marion Ross from Happy Days. She was a very attractive woman then, and still around now I think aged about 90 now.
Of course, when Marion Wayne was asked to read some prose he got a bit flummoxed. He might have been able to ride a hoss and sling a gun at the same time, but an orator he was not. The hell he wasn’t.
He read, To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind … who wrote this bollox anyway. 'Tis true, 'twas on the telly afore the interwebular was invented.
I watched a program tonight called Mars :the ultimate travellers guide - very well produced - astronauts are of course already preparing and in training for a future landing - I cannot recall exactly when they suggested that might be but certainly within the next 20 yrs - I just wonder whether I or any of us here will still be around to marvel and enjoy this event?
The Mars chocolate manufactory isn’t that far away, even considering modern road congestion. I reckon if I left now … well when I’ve sobered up anyway, I could be there in time for a full English breakfast later today, or at least a liquid lunch.
I admit it would take a bit longer for you Gum my lad, but even so, a few days at most should see you at the gates.
