Well,we’ve solved the riddle of “what starts with a p & ends in ahhh”.
well that seems the end of ‘bladder’ expression stories so lets ascend from the depths of the lavatoriums and move on - I’m sure the ladies don’t talk about these subjects at length do you?
Mind you I did know a female Director of Nursing who could do amazing things through an open window when suitably inebriated!
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Looking at the front webpage I note that Gumbuds leisure scribbles part 3 and part 4 are listed among the hottest threads this year? WHY?
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Previously every time I entered the site it would often recognize me immediately now I have to log in every time WHY?
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When I eventually log in it takes me to the middle of a thread and not the last posting WHY?
It would seem that any new changes have become a hindrance to users and not a help and encourage to newcomers?
Why? Why? Why? Delilah
I saw the light on the night that I passed by her Window.
Yeh can’t leave the place for five minutes and we’re back in the manure business.
The good woman and meself were having a break in Wexford and had to come home today as we are dog sitting the daughters dog tomorrow for a week.
With female doctors some men can get smutty
In actually fact she reduces them to putty
At the mercy of her experienced hands
As she gently examines their vital glands
Praying they won’t release a fart
When she puts the stethoscope up to the heart
Some survive this but their pants might be wet
And out of the surgery they think they’ll never get.
We have two new lady doctors up in the clinic, one’s from Brazil and the other is Chinese, both are brilliant at their job and the customers have nothing but praise for them, I love the pair of them and they make a visit a treat, although thankfully it’s not often for me.
I’m just old fashioned and used to the male doctors, back in those days you did what you were told and asked no questions, you were told to take off your shirt, lie down and shut up “I’m the doctor and I tell you not the other way around” The examination was all done by hand then, no fancy machines or tools, barring his stethoscope and the little wooden hammer he used to whack you on the knees, his hand crossed over his other hand as he tapped away on your chest, breathe in, breathe out, does this hurt? does that hurt? now put on your shirt and come back in six months.
Nerve tonics were all the rage then, Buckfast Tonic Wine was a favourite with the ladies, everyone suffered from ‘Nerves’ whatever they were, we even had ‘Nerve Specialists’, nerves covered a multitude of complaints and it was handy to deal with nerve patients, today they have a label for everything from farting to internal combustion, by the way I read that regular farters are more likely to combust than seldom farters, and as women don’t fart it’s mainly the men who burst into flames.
Don’t mind me I’m just rambling on.
Jem, I think you are a WIND up merchant, so am I, do we share the same “Farternity”
I love the pair of them and they make a visit a treat, although thankfully it’s not often for me.
as the sailor said to the bishops daughter from either angle!
What is with clergymen’s daughters that hold this fascination for some men? Preachers daughters to our American friends in the old days, have they weird visions of sex starved maidens awaiting fulfilment? they have been the butt of music hall jokes for decades but now they seem to be a dying species, clergymen are becoming less and less and soon there will be no more bishops daughters to jest and fantasise about.
I couldn’t wind up a clock Spitty.
I meant Wind, not Wind, and not Trapped wind.
I’m about to go off-subject…grovelling apologies.
Yesterday,having spent all night sorting transport for a close friend-he’s just had intensive surgery to remove two cancerous tumours from his liver-I got home circa 10am and flopped on the bed fully clothed. Just under two hours later,phone rings-naturally I grab it,thinking it’s him in trouble. No-it’s a lady I know from a village near me. NO idea what she’s yattering about as I’d been awake two full days…so when she said ‘he’ [I won’t mention names] wanted to talk so she’d put it on speaker,I asked her to let him know I’d chat later as I needed some zeds. Just a short while later,as I was practising my snoring,I got another call. her again. She informed me ‘he’ was incandescent with rage at my attitude,had given me the finger-and had stomped off to their bedroom telling her I’m ‘just a user’. [bear in mind here I have TWICE kept him alive in very bad circumstances] Then,I’m informed he’s telling everyone how much the MacBook he got me for my birthday cost-and how effing ungrateful I am. Oh-really? Viking temper flares…MacBook is scoured,emptied,reset. Mouse thingy is shoved in bag with it and charger-I’m,DESPITE having slept just three hours in three days,on my way to his door. Which HE,Mr Musclemouth,Mr 6’5",27 stone hero,refuses to open…pretending he’s not in. So I left the poxy machine with his neighbour-a decent cove,who was sat on his doorstep just chillin’-and asked him to ensure BOTH of those scum-sucking leeches remove my number from their phones. AND to inform him we WILL meet-this is a VERY sparcely populated area-and he can try his luck in public. 6’5" 28 stone musclemouth,v 5’10" 12 stone former 45 RMC nancyboy in pink stilettos.
With an audience. SURELY he won’t back down. After all,what’s to be scared of if you’re his size? Other than being bloody certain I won’t.
Apologies if this is a tad angry as a post-but I’ve just spent three days ferrying people in pain,distress and fear,to-and-from hospital for treatment/care. THIS crap hit the wrong nerve at the wrong time.
Wow, talk about being inconsiderate, you don’t need friends like that Pug, fair play to you, I hate folks who give you a present and keep on about it, give and then forget you gave is the only way to truly give.
I’m inclined to tock a bit tick Spitty but I get your drift, just trying to alter the course a little.
So why not combine the two winds then you could time your own farts, when your stomach is all wound up take a look at the second hand on your watch and wait, who knows you might even match the World record held by a man from Chicago.
"In 1934 a stage performer Terry Bell Smell (his stage name) beat the previous record by 2 seconds, his recorded blockbuster lasted a whopping 15 seconds in front of a stage audience, thanks to the 5 tins of Bachelor’s wonderful beans he had beforehand, later on they banned the downing of beans before any contest, the contestants had to pass through a bean detecting cubicle before taking part, the result was the times went rapidly down and a five second fart is now considered a very high score” (courtesy of wiky waky woo oddball information library)
I hear that mindful meditation is quite useful at times like these, particularly concentrating on the air passages as they pass in and out of flared nostrils [and I am sure your nostrils are well flared at the moment]
breathing in 1, 2 and 3 and breathing out 1, 2 and 3 whilst sitting in the lotus position or ideally on a lotus leaf!
sawadi kap
http://i736.photobucket.com/albums/xx4/jemflux/batfish2.jpg
This is the red lipped batfish, you’d never guess would you, found on the Galapagos Islands, this fish is actually a very bad swimmer, and uses its pectoral fins to walk on the bottom of the ocean. (Image credits: imgur)
It’s amazing some of the creatures who live on the Ocean floors, how would you like a smacker off this little lady, have you ever seen such a sour faced fish in all your life, it reminds me of me Aunt Greta when she came home one night after being stood up by a Sailor back in the 50’s, If you put a little scarf around it’s head it would have a striking resemblance to dear Greta.
I remember Greta getting dolled up for her dates, I was just a boy and was amazed at this brown stuff she used to have in a bottle, she would shake it violently then pour some out onto her hands and rub it into her lily white legs turning them into sun tanned film stars legs in seconds, another miracle! praise the lord! My they certainly had plenty of tricks up their sleeves to fool us poor eejits back then, you had to buy the whole package to find out the truth and then it was too late to do anything about it, “What happened to your lovely brown smooth legs dear?, I never knew women had to shave their legs?”
Sorry you’re so pi–ed off Pug, you can’t change the way you are. Don’t let this gentleman throw you off helping people.
Salt of the earth that’s what you are.
I fully agree with you RJ, Pug is a most considerate person.
Never thought I would find such an agreeable place, not sure that is acceptable.
I agree with you Spitty.
That great philosopher Gumbuddha (no relation to our fella) summed it all up when he said “Great minds think alike and fools seldom differ”
there are many times I have sat in the full lotus position pondering on the vagaries of this world - seems I am now in an Irish Buddhist temple. Praise be to old Father Shamus from old Donegal, may he turn in his Buddha tomb, three times to the East,West, North and south.
Buddha said dismiss all hatred from the heart - do not dwell on the impurities of this world
Hic - can you pass another bourbon please?
there was an old lady from Leeds
whos passion was breeding young fleas
Her encore was too fart as she sat by the hearth
and exclaim ‘there’s a croak in me knees’