I once worked in a hospital durinng my summer holidays as a serf and was frequently asked to assist in the “laying out” I dreaded doing the dear old ladies cos their breasts just seemed to 'wander ’ all over the place - couldn’t keep them still - so I stuck to the men - well not literally of cause!
taking their false teeth out for cleaning could be a problem as they would seem to chatter and sometimes bite. but after cleaning getting them back in was an even greater problem sometimes they would almost swallow them whole!
I hated tying off the penis - looked like a belated xmas present and stuffing the anus was absolutely 'orrible it seemed to go on for ever or until the staff nurse said STOP you used 4 packs of cotton wool so far!
a label was transfixed to the big toe for identification more xmas presents and of course the mortuary shroud making them look like some evil angel!
pushing them to the morgue at 3am in the morn could be tricky especially if you were alone negotiating slopes and corners did sometimes result in a sliding body hitting the ground with a tremendous thump and the mortician asking “where did all these bruises come from”???
In our abode we have several tv’s only one radio [which is mine and valued].pc’s ipads etc are the usual - but I just realized the other day that I was being assaulted by these multiple tv’s and the radio on at the same time even if in different rooms.
and then the light bulb lit up - this is everyoe’s life now whether you are in the high street; own home ; hotel or pub we are being bombarded by media sources surround and visuals and it’s giving me a headache.
fortunately when all have left for work and school I am alone and can control this bombardment of tv; radio and pc ‘bullets’ that if left on can kill me.
sitting outside with a beer and pipe in the late afternoon waiting for the hordes to return I just listen to the birds and their tweets and that’s it
just thought I’d get that of my chest - I’m nearly an old age pensioner ya know!!
A mate of mine used to work in a Mortuary, he changed his job to Landscape Gardening, I asked him how he felt about the change of direction, he said, you know Spitty, “it’s like a breath of fresh air”
One thing I’m very proud of having done is when I was a jos [junior ordinary seaman] with Union Castle,is having taken the MV Pendennis Castle into Capetown. She was a 45,000-ton liner and it was my very 1st time ‘on the wheel’. The pilot who came aboard was named George Monday,and his eyeballs nearly burst out of his head when he came onto the bridge and saw a JUST 16-year-old helmsman [by 4 days] on the wheel. He was a bloody brilliant pilot [yes,yes…forgo the jokes about pilots flying ships, please chaps] who brought that 45,000 ton leviathan into Capetown harbour and into perfect position alongside the wharf with perfect precision. All I really did was follow instruction, regarding orders such as “Five degrees port wheel”…“Five degrees port wheel on, sir”…“Midships”…“Wheel midship, sir”,etc. When we berthed, the vessel came to rest in PERFECT alignment, just brushing alongside, with zero ‘bounce’ or adjustment. George and I became friends, not because of anything extraordinary, but because, once engines were finished with and all stays and lines were secured,I walked over to him where he was stood on the starboard bridging and shook his hand,saying how effortless he’d made it seem to get such a massive vessel through the lanes into the port actual, then alongside, bringing her to rest in perfect position with no ‘‘forr’d/aft’’ adjusting. I-being so young and as mentioned, inexperienced,had no idea this just wasn’t done. The skipper and first mate were giving me some intense eyeball as I asked permission to leave the bridge, but I didn’t realise it was because I’d just shattered protocol. I later went ashore to with a crewmate and George took us all around the city and down to Cape Agulhas,looking out to Antarctica,plus we went up to the top of Table Mountain…we even got to ride in the cable-car,which was usually VERY expensive for tourists, but the people running it knew George,so we rode on it for free…bloody amazing view, right out to Robin Island,which at the time, still housed Nelson Mandela-although at that time,I’d never heard of him. But the view…WOW! I still,50 years later, have a few of the many photos I took that day. Life ain’t ALL shit,y’know…just occasionally, an event of pure happiness comes along.
At 16, I was king of the Precinct, it was a classy Precinct interspersed with drinking holes, and girls of such status but aspired to Estate Lads, it could have been a meal ticket, if a geezer had no moral fibre.
Well today [sorry-yesterday,now] I took flowers to place on my daughter & grandson’s grave. I really fkn HATE October 3rd. There is NO way,not even if the Queen decreed it,that anyone will ever stop me doing so. It’s a day that left a massive scar on what used to be a happy mind. No use or point in attempting to explain-suffice to say,recalling events and/or happenings that left happy memories,helps me cope…and assists me in not killing the c~nt responsible for their deaths. So,please,people,let’s speak of happy…or at least humourous…things you recall or have retained. We don’t do enough ‘happy’ or silly stuff. We’re all far too busy worrying about unimportant crap.
I apologise for this post-but,just sometimes,even a nonentity such as myself needs to ‘let it out’.
nothing to apologize about Pug my brothers pic sits atop my desktop frame arm stretched around my shoulder and me his - he is my younger and only brother died of leukaemia cos they didn’t have a cure in time in Spain three years ago. I miss him everyday and always said in my last days if I’m was on my own then Ken my bros would take me in for sure, permanently - it didn’t happen that way. I see him and think of him everyday. RIP our kid
Ah sure and begorra it does me auld heart good ta see yis all in great form, may the shamrocks smile on yis and the banshee keep her distance. I honestly can say that I never in my entire lifetime heard a fellow Irishman/woman say begorra or top of the morning to you, but that’s Hollywood for yeh.
Still nothing from dear young RJ. Come back RJ and partake of the fatted Goose, sorry but the overfed calf has liver fluke at the moment and is not fit for human consumption, so we had to cook your goose for you instead, the little red rooster is busy with the hens, he’s always busy with the hens, “There’s too many chickens on the farm Momma!” “Ah well Son, eggs is eggs” (wasn’t that in an Elvis film?)
Did you ever look into a calf’s beautiful eyes and say to yourself how can anyone possibly eat the poor thing? Beastly creatures us humans ain’t we, and we are supposed to be the most intelligent form of life on the planet, what a load of bull.
We still pour gallons of highly inflammable smelly liquid into metal tanks in cars to provide power, same as we did over 100 years ago, yet the car itself has wifi, surround sound. satellite guiding system, and all the most up to date technology, I can never see the point of still using petrol in this day and age, there has to be a more modern way of running a car cleanly efficiently and cheaply, why have we been waiting so long for it to materialise? believe me someone up there is having a great laugh looking down, reminds me of that old add for Cadburys ‘Smash’ with the aliens looking down on the potato peeling process.
I Knew a chap called Max Murphy, he opened up a garage specialising in fixing crashed cars, his slogan was “For smash get Max”
well now yez really cheered us all up begorrah and begorrah and bejamous too and any other irish bee you can find atop a bumble or a marigold - sure if I was be goin that way it would be the wrong way for sure!
Gotta say, gumbo,that is a REALLY good German accent you did there!
…which brings me rather nicely to Der nachtstes Thema…[yes,I speak German]…which is - what do Las Vegas & Blackpool have in common?
Der answer being, in both cities, you can exchange chips for sex!
Ai thenkyo…
Oh,come ON.
I’m having a bash at doing that humour thing. At least help me out, rather than sit there tutting!
Y’know,when I was at university,I applied to join the debating society…
…but I got talked out of it.
…oh,SOD off! G’wan then-you do better.
I sit here playing my guitar & writing these erroneous thoughts all the time. I’ve got books FULL of this stuff, plus circa [see? I speak Latin as well. [Ego bet Tibi probate maximam!]around 200 pages of paper, all filled with bloody stupid thoughts that occur to my weird, free-floating mind,as I sit composing music & playing one of my guitars…often,at night, my 12-string,as I really like the undertones and minor 7ths employed to give the depth to various chords -er,I’ll shut up now…]
well der I woz doin a bit of cookin - two tablespoons of warkwickshit ; a cup full of angle dust ; 4 slices of dublin fare ; half a litre of ozzie strine and a partridge in a pear tree -RJ was bringing the plums but he’s plum tuckered out and anyway watta we have??
stir slightly and place in a very low oven as low to the floor as ya can can can
competition time boys and girls let’s call it???
oh and Pug will be puggin his strings to bring you the ‘washed up dubliners!’
