Leisurely Scribbles (part 5) (Part 1)

[Jem]

…unless I am and no-one bothered telling me…

I was sure you wouldn’t mind being dead for the sake of “poetic art” Pug, besides you were saying you were bored to death anyway, self resurrection is a glorious thing, welcome back Lazarus, although Lazarus had divine assistance but you did it all by yourself, bravo!:-)
Methinks there are a few Lazarus’s of old roaming about this place, welcome back to those too, as the old song goes “like the black sheep of old, they return to the fold” Amen to that.

[Jem]

I was watching an old cavalry film with Audie Murphy in it, it was showing for the umpteen time, talk about the old Plaza cinema, it’s only in the ha’penny place compared to Film 4, “40 Guns to Apache Pass”
The army general says to the captain (Murphy) “listen son, there are two ways of getting men through a door, kick ‘em through or lead them through” “Ah so that’s why so many soldiers have flat asses Sir?, I used to think it was from sitting on the horses” Smart arse Murphy got a week in the can for that.
They really knew how to write strange dialogue in Hollywood back then, especially in the westerns, who can forget James Stewart (mouthful of marbles as the wife calls him) standing at his wife’s graveside reading the daily news to her. Shenandoah I think it was called, “I put some fresh flowers on your grave today Martha…” real get out the violin stuff. Then there’s this classic from the same film

“Charlie Anderson: Do you like her?
Lt. Sam: Well, I just said I…
Charlie Anderson: No, no. You just said you loved her. There’s some difference between lovin’ and likin’. When I married Jennie’s mother, I-I didn’t love her - I liked her… I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do… still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun”

A few well chosen words of advice to a young man, that’ll have the ladies swooning at your feet young feller, eat your heart out Casanova.
They also have weird program setters at Film 4 too, they assume that their audiences are retired doddery old gits and gitesses with failing memories, hence all the life insurance and leave your money to the cats and dogs homes ads, so they decide a week is long enough to wait before they sling on the same film again, they won’t know the difference anyway.
Then you have the ‘“Theme” selectors who decide and make up the film “Bundles” if you know what I mean, this week it’s westerns and next week it’s war, the week after that it’s stupid Japanese cartoon film week, and so on, all I can say is God help the people who can’t get out of the house.

[spitfire]

I’m just glad, the Egg Channel has been Scrambled.

[spitfire]

Buddy was back today, in essence, but wasn’t enrolled.

[Pug]

Y’know the REAL trouble with those Russian dolls? Hmm?

Well I’ll tell y’all. Their REAL problem is that they’re just too full of themselves!

[Pug]

Hey,how about this…[this is totally true & unembellished]
Today,I had a call from an employment agency. I’m not enrolled, not a member, don’t know them, had no idea why they rang ME,of all the people available. Right…a nearby council just can NOT get dustcart drivers. NO idea why not, that’s just the way it is-they can get loaders by the dozen, but cannot keep drivers. Meh-ok,quoth I,I’ll happily alleviate the intensity of my research into electronic sub-quantum numeric geometric scanning of sub-polarised quantitative agglomerating tachyon-clusters and the protonic polarity-reversals thereof,and drive a dustcart for a while instead, as indeed,I am experienced in that particular arena of expertise.

BUT. [this is the good bit, chaps…honest…]

I’ve been turned down by the council [which I won’t name,as I have no wish to shame those employed there]…because some spazmoid yard foreman [i.e.,some ‘thicker than housebrick custard’ dork who can’t operate or drive waste disposal vehicles, as his i.q. is slightly lower than the freezing-point of liquid hydrogen, said “Nah…he’s got too many degrees, he’ll be shit”!!! I kid you not! That is exactly as reported back to me by the agency-and as some of you will know, agencies tend to auto-record their phone conversations with prospective employees/employers,so it’s genuine. I laughed my poor shrivelled little nuts off on hearing it,I really did. I used [until a divorce] own a skip-hire company,PLUS run four recycling yards simultaneously. On becoming a single man,post-divorce,I drove DUSTCARTS [see that? Hmm?] for a company who had the contract for this area. It was great, as my crew consisted of a Latvian,a Russian,a Pole…and myself doing the driving. We spoke usually in Russian with/to each other, but we used to have “going Polish” days, when the first one to forget, and utter a word for any reason NOT in Polish had to get the bottles of pop for everyone. We tried it with Latvian,too-but Vic was too good, [well,being Latvian,he would be] so we used to have “Speak Italian” days, just to be silly…I know,I know, sounds utter dork, right? Maaan,we laughed our way round the route,insulting,making words up, getting syntax correct but grammar wrong,being daft-and we were GREAT mates. Oh,plus I hold lgv/hgv class1 with STGO to 250 tons,PLUS my psv licence is ‘all types’…that’s everything from trams to crash-box double-deckers,and everything in between. YES,it’s true [to my detriment] that I hold degrees in three TOTALLY unrelated subjects…but,ffs…I’m not allowed to drive their dustcarts because I learned some stuff!!! Oh-and I can make espresso, too. BOLLOX!

[gumbud]

'Ello, Ello, Ello there seemed to be a little hitch in the system called 'remember your history - well I guess we all like to remember our history it proves we’re sane and came from somewhere but remembering ya history around these parts is fraught with danger as some cyberghost in Latvia told me " never remember ya history in cyberspace" as the cyberghost said to the rookie it can get ya banged up in nowhere!

I see ya’ve all been prattlin on about nuffing and everyfin since I was on the loo [ well sometime the strain takes for ever] the last time I spoke to Jem his remorse was culpable and all because of a bit of ozzie history floatin around.

Not sure how long I can stay this time but I know I’ll keep bouncin back as the rubber blowup doll said to the travellin salesman - " you just keep blowin me up lovely and I’ll keep giving ya all the puff ya need"!

yes Pug - too many qallies is a cautionary tale - I used to interview hundreds of people once - well someone has to move the shit - and we always looked on someone with too many with suspicion - why do they want to work with the lowly unwashed like us we asked - so quallies beware.

spitties got the right idea -keep it short in one sentence and no more than 7 words if poss.

greetings playmates

Jem get out in the sunshine laddie and stop watching all those old westerns - ya should never have got yaself a shed at the bottom of the garden !

[Jem]

I enjoyed that tale Pug, I would have loved to be on your crew of drivers, I know a few choice words in Irish too.:-)
That “over qualified’ expression they us now is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, it’s usually used by someone less intelligent than yourself and delivered with smug satisfaction.

Get out into the sunshine says he! this is Ireland in late September Gummy and the rain is only pelting off the roof, it not Wallawalla in Australia where the rain never falls and the sun never sets.
So you got yerself all tangled up in your own history and banjaxed yerself in the process, let that be a lesson to you to never look back, what’s gone is gone and lost forever.
Anyway it’s good to see your back, turn around now and lets see your front.
Maybe you could do a poem about your experience “Locked out in Cyber Space” might be a good title.

[spitfire]

Banjaxed:lol:, had to Google that, I bet Jem is now in the Boozer, with his next of Kin.

[spitfire]

Good to see Gummy, back on the Electoral Role, that will increase his “Credit” rating.

[gumbud]

the last time I had an electricular roll it was in a hay barn with good little miss hufty and she did tell me I was a credit not to be missed and I had certainly increased her with many credits - god this out in cyberspace has frazzled me brain and I don’t know if I am comin or goin as the sailor said to the vicars daughter " am I comin are goin " he asked her “you are certainly comin at the moment but don’t go until I tell you” she replied and certainly not until after the vicars blessed you my son"

[spitfire]

Gummy, just avoid the finger of fudge thread, not tonight anyway.

[gumbud]

!!!

Maybe you could do a poem about your experience “Locked out in Cyber Space” might be a good title

oh dear Jem I think we could be tempting fate a bit here with a poem from cyberspace - I was in OZ all the while just couldn’t get enough lift off and then when I did I hit the frozen zone where memory is stored for ever!

there was young fellow called Gbud
whose cyberspace came down with a thud
He could see you out there in small cyberwear
but the hounds they were baying for blood!

that’ll have to do for now!

[Jem]

I have occasion to look up instructions on google for various devices, my Sony tablet being one example, the wife has no interest in gadgets and the like, so I am left to my own devises (I was trying for ages to work that one in). Anyway while doing this I have noticed an awful lot of homemade videos on the subject of “unboxing”. Unboxing my new headphones, unboxing my new apple smartPhone, unboxing my new bar speaker, unboxing my new modem, even unboxing my box from the parcel, Gods truth. I always get a giggle watching these rituals, with some people it’s like they had discovered the Arc of the Covenant, big bulging eyes on them, mouths watering, hearts thumping in anticipation. Then after about 15 minutes they finally lift the thing out of the box, caressing the casing, twirling the flex cables between their fingers, feeling the slender lines of the thing and then cradling it to their bosom, and I thought I was easily pleased!
Funny enough these people are usually young men, they are completely infatuated with their new toys, I pity the young women of today, as if they hadn’t enough competition to contend with as it is “Sorry I won’t be able to make it tonight dear, I’m unboxing my new tablet”
Ah I remember that wedding night 52 years ago when I “Unboxed” my young bride, we’ve been boxing each other ever since, she’s very good at it now, she went four rounds with me last night in the pub.

Just shows you how priorities have shifted, typing the word sony was corrected to a capital “S” and God spelt with a small “g” was left alone, companies are now more important than God it would seem, he won’t be happy with that one, “There may be trouble ahead…” don’t say you haven’t been warned.

[spitfire]

Just shows you how priorities have shifted, typing the word sony was corrected to a capital “S” and God spelt with a small “g” was left alone, companies are now more important than God it would seem, he won’t be happy with that one, “There may be trouble ahead…” don’t say you haven’t been warned

That’s why it’s more important to Box Clever, than Unbox, things may get awkward when you’re in your Box!

[Pug]

Ahhh,spits,m’boy;you forgot the vagaries & idiosyncrasies of the human mind.
F’rinstance;MY box is gonna be glass-and I’M gonna be naked, with a stonking stiffy & a cigar in my smiling mouth, head angled to look toward my feet,clutching a copy of Playboy,open at the centrefold. Let’s see the sods who’ve attended merely to assure themselves I really have gone, get over THAT without therapy! ESPECIALLY when they cram into the solicitor’s office to see who gets what - and discover nobody gets ANYTHING until or unless they dance naked in the High Street on a Saturday singing and doing the moves to ‘Gangnam Style’ at noon…in front of a random group of nuns from a [fairly] local convent. Now,before you splutter your ‘outraged of Cockfosters’ reply, I’M not weird. THEY’RE the ones doing the Gangnam dance naked in front of nuns just to grab a few quid…thus proving the old adage that some people value money above all else!

[oh,by the way…they were 36DD’s. Niiiiiice…]

[gumbud]

let me tell you there is nothing wrong about wanting to be a boxer - a very noble profession - but a word of advice well a few words " box cleverly" you don’t want to get that feeling of “I’m all boxed in” or " but I ordered a box for two?"

and why do we always need to have a long rectangular box - I would prefer a circular one so that I can just curl up and die!

now where is it that space is at such a premium that people are buried in boxes but the box is buried vertically? would that be oirland?

[Jem]

They’ll dance alright Pug, nothing surprises me what people will do for money. ;-)

Well to be fair Gummy I have to give the Undertakers over here full marks, they do an excellent job of things, and n’er a mention of money till you get the bill about a month later, indeed some of the poor buggers they do up look better dead than they did when they were alive.
Another feather in their cap is they don’t leave you hanging around for long over here, from the death bed to the soil all completed in two days, far better for all those concerned and more time for a long wake.
So your having a box for two make up Gummy, good for you, sure won’t it be a grand consolation to the family to know that the pair of you are together forever in the same box, ain’t true love a marvellous thing.

[gumbud]

I loved watching the undertaker firm on Hamish McBeth performing their duties with solemness and aplomb although I don’t know where they got the plumbs from - filled the cheeks out though

[Pug]

Ok chaps-this is a tale from my time as an undertaker, and on my oath, true.

Kevin & I were called out one night to twin brothers, aged 97,who died within MINUTES of one-another. genuinely,minutes,and both died of throat cancer. They were the epitome of ‘identical twins’,to the point that we had to put a stamp on one twin’s big toe,so we’d know the difference. [it faded v quickly-which explains the rest of this tale]. Now,when it came to dressing them for chapel, so the family could come say their goodbyes, they had a suit each, one brown pinstripe, one blue pinstripe, both very ‘Al Capone’ in style. I got each gent washed and readied, dressed them, placed them in the chapel. I took a LOT of trouble to hide the scars around each twin’s throat, to minimise any trauma the family might suffer. The family duly arrived,Mike ushered them inclosed the doors. Kevin & I stood outsiders the family made their farewells. The door opened, a young lady came out and said to Kevin “My uncles are wearing each other’s suits”. Ok,how she knew one from the other was amazing, but the customer is always right, etc. So Kevin ushered the family into a side room, whilst I nipped in and corrected the mistake. Within two, minutes they were ushered back in,all went well. After,in the ante room,the same young lady asked me how I was able to swap the suits so swiftly…and like the prat I am-I’ve never got the hang of lying-I said “I didn’t, ma’am-I swapped the heads”. She instantly fainted, flat on the floor at my feet…in front of everyone. I was taken to task for my insensitivity, but explained that to me,lying wasn’t and still isn’t,a thing to pride yourself on. I was issued a severe bollocking-sort of-as Mike just couldn’t stop laughing. He really did TRY to be all severe and stuffy…but to this day, it’s a fact that y’can NOT bollock someone for being honest. So,finger-wagging,told to be more ‘diplomatic’,sentenced to a week of night duty in the cold room. …which was actually not much of a ‘duty’,as I used to bet with myself which cadaver would fart next, sit up next, etc…and when the student nurses came during the night-shift for ‘acclimatisation to reality’ [as the notes put it] I used to have to be ready to catch fainting students when they were taken by surprise by a dead person suddenly sitting up or groaning,etc,right beside them. Weird ol’ life, innit. As I said at the start,I swear on my oath, this story is true. …and there are more…