Gummy you is getting mixed up again. It was WILLIAM MORRIS not morris minor, or mebbe not, though I haveto say, your version kinda lingers.
well mine has NEVER been a morris minor always a morris major! -with a double carburettor
It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the climactic moment simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone.
“What on earth do you think you are doing?” asks the young bride
“Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room service for a bottle of their finest champagne,” came the reply
“Well, I used to date Tiger Woods, and when Tiger and I finished making love we would wait 10 minutes and make love again,” the young groom was informed.
“If that’s what you are used to, I will be glad to comply…” And 10 minutes or so later the young couple was making wild and passionate love again. At the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom reaches for the phone once again…
“What on earth do you think you are doing?” asks the young bride.
“Like I said before, I want this to be a special occasion, so I was going to call room service for that bottle of champagne.”
“Well, Tiger and I used to relax for 15 minutes or so, and then make love a third time,” came her reply.
So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed a bit and finally was capable of making love a third time. After this third wild and passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally reaches the climactic moment and returned to a relaxed state. Once again, the groom reaches for the phone…
“What on earth do you think you are doing?” asks the young bride.
“Calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
Just phoned a local contractor up, to get a price for re-tarmacing my driveway, the geezer on the phone came straight out with 5 grand, I said “don’t you have to come round and measure up?”, no he said, “That’s the Flat Rate”.
£5,000 Spitty! Them fellas don’t let the grass grow under their feet do they? 
I’m afraid I know naughting about cars.
My Grandmother used to tell the brother and me ghost stories when we were kids, this one I particularly remember, here’s the bones of it. It was about a country priest who went to give the last rites to a well to do farmer, the man had his last confession and when he passed away shortly afterwards the priest noted down some interesting points on a piece of paper, points on the mans life that he could interpret into a sermon on life in general. On the way home his horse bolted and threw him onto a dry wall and just before he went unconscious and died he hid the piece of paper in a crack in the stones.
This was way back in the 1800’s in me granny’s home county and they still say down there that the priest haunts the area along the old dry wall looking for his notes to destroy them.
I was thinking about that when I jotted this down.
Dear God can I have a few minutes more?
I forgot to kiss the wife as I went out the door
Rushing to work and in all the fuss
I got knocked down by a number 10 bus
Happy as I am to be in heaven by your side
And I’m not going back just for the ride
But I never missed kissing her in the morning before
So please dear God, can I have a few minutes more?
(Sausage factory productions 2017)
I’m a sentimental old slob by times.
Great story, great verses Jem, you are a star.
well he’s a gem man ya know - ya’d expect him to twinkle a bit wouldn’t ya know!
It’s really difficult to find what you want on the internet.
I was searching Google for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.
I remember full well the last time I died;
several times I’d been round,several lifestyles I’d tried.
I arrived at The Gates,an angel to meet
…she had curlers in,teeth out,and crocs on her feet!
“Oh,ffs” I thought, “not my finest hour!”
but,“Come in,dear” she said “I was just in the shower”.
Now,Heaven’s supposed to be where all dreams come true,
so I rapidly said “Hon,I wasn’t dreaming of you!”
She looked resignedly at me and,with an upper-class cough,
said “Well of course not,you prat-but it’s Gabriel’s day off!”
That is odd PUG, ST Peter is normally on the gate, St Gabriel would be out giving important messages St Michael, busy at M & S.
SWAN VESTAS no doubt Gummy *
- anagram SAVANT SEWS (barmy balaclavas) (knits rather, but not the holes)
Uncle Vivian revisited.
My Uncle Vivian in his old age having alienated most of his extended family, ended up in a rest home in rural Rotherham.
I visited him on his 90th birthday, he had lost none of his irascibility & was being rather curt to the young nurse trying to tend to him.
Sat in his enormous shabby chic chair he began to lean to his left & the nurse gently moved him back to an upright position again. He glared at her. Quite soon he began to lean to his right & sure enough the nurse leaned across gently and set him upright .
Finally he leant forward , deftly blocking her kind attempt to help him back to an upright position once more.
“For goodness sake nurse, let me fart “
Bless him.
I’m just wondering was it the same in Liverpool when you were a lad Gumbud (God that was terrible about the titanic back then wasn’t it. titter, titter :-)) if you asked a girl had she got a match here they used to say “Yes, your face and my arse” The young ones knew how to take care of themselves back then, always a cheeky answer at the ready… But the lads were just as quick, if you were looking for a date you would say “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?” and if they said yes, you laughed and said back “Well don’t forget to pull the chain after your finished”
It’s always a treat to read about the loveable old rogue RJ, not many of his ilk about today, health and safety has put paid to all that carry on, as me great granny used to say “There’s no real men about since the Boer War”, I think her brother was killed in that war so I suppose she’s was entitled to be a bit prejudice.
I’m sure over the great divides of time some notable people fade from being mere legends and become mythical beings, like the Greek heroes, I’m sure they were based on real people who actually lived and their deeds were grossly exaggerated over the centuries.
Take our own St. Patrick, who was actually a Welshman, he is supposed to have driven all the snakes out of Ireland singled handed, we are a snakeless country thanks to him, if he were around today the RSPCA would have him hung drawn and quartered for that, wiping out several species all in one go.
Methinks several snakes sneaked back in and became politicians, establishing a nest in Government Buildings and passing the jobs down to their offspring up to the present day, we all know politics is a very snaky game. ;-)
Now there’s a bit of inspiration for you lot, the start of a new tongue twister, “Several sneaky snakes…”
Sidewinder snake seen slurping seven sickly spotted slinky siblings slowly.
Ok Ok it’s just alliteration, but give me a break it’s my favourite figure of speech
Red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry yellow lorry, red lolly, yellow lolly…
She sells seashells on the sea shore
the old ones are best
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
I had a mate once back in the 'pool called Peter Piper a nice lad who had never ever I am sure come across of “a peck of pickled peppers” none of us did but if he had have done so he was a guy who was always picking his nose - you can imagine the effect of pickled peppers on his fingers up his nose!
atishoo atishoo!
Ring-a-ring o' roses,
A pocket full of posies,
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all fall down
Cows in the meadows
Eating buttercups
A-tishoo! A-tishoo!
We all jump up.
I could never understand why we all kept falling down and then jumping up ?
Simple innit!
The first verse is about the plague
The second is a tad more vague
“I could never understand why we all kept falling down and then jumping up?”
That is one of the lessons we have to learn at an early ago Gumbud, there was always hidden messages in those old rhymes, it tells us that when we fall flat on our face we just pick ourselves up and get back in the race, just like old blue eyes in the song.;-)
I was out in the little sun cabin this afternoon watching a western film on TV, it amazes me how they always manage to drag all the old heroes of the west into nearly every western film made in the 50’s and 60’s, we had Buffalo Bill, Wild Bill Hickok, Doc Holiday, and all the other wasters, of course they always beat the shit out of the natives, seems the more Indians you can kill and Buffalo you can slaughter the higher you were in the hero ranks.
Anyway that wasn’t what I was going to say, in the film there was a little conversation going on just after a daylight Indian attack, as they were patching up their wounds one hero says to the other “That was a surprise, somebody told me Indians never attack in the daytime” A second hero adds “Yeah, I was told that too” and the third fella says “Well I guess somebody forgot to tell the Indians” I don’t think it was meant to be funny but I found it hilarious, don’t mind me I have a weird sense of humour.
St. Peter turned to his mate and said
“Hey,Gabriel,would you stand in?”
Only,Pug’s coming in at sometime today
and not to greet him would be a big sin".
“Oh,not a problem” said Gabriel in reply
“I’ve got no more messages to send”.
But he deserted his post when his granny popped in,
cos she really drives him round the bend.
So he slipped out for a mead or two,leaving his gran
showering in content state of mind.
BUT-whils’t he was supping,ol’ Puggy arrived
…and GUESS who poor Puggy did find?!?
Yep-Gabriels gran was minding The Gates
[it really wasn’t Gabe’s finest hour]
coz as has been said,poor Puggy was dead
and Gabe’s granny was having a shower!
And THAT,my dear RJ’s why GABRIEL’S name
came to mind when I typed out that rhyme.
Y’see,Peter had the day off,Gabriel was drunk
…so granny and I…had a good time!