My mate once set me up with a blind date, he said
â I have to tell you sheâs expecting a babyâ
I felt a right prat stood in that pub in just a nappy,âŠ.
We watched a Les Dawson special last night and Iâve just found these one-liners attributed to him. Enjoy.
I said to the chemist, âCan I have some sleeping pills for the wife?â He said, âWhy?â I said, âShe keeps waking up.â
I upset the wifeâs mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.
She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.
Duck goes into the chemistâs shop. âA tube of lipsol please.â âCertainly, that will be fifty pence.â âPut it on my bill, please.â
I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the babyâs face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.
I said to my wife, âTreasureâ - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something thatâs just been dug up.
She was the flabbiest stripper Iâve ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off.
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash. Sheâs so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.
I donât have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
People often ask me: âWhatâs the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?â Frankly, as far as Iâm concerned thereâs no difference ⊠they donât laugh at me in the south either.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said âAre you going to help?â I said 'No, Six should be enough."
What amazes me is that so many people think show business is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, itâs about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.
Donât get me wrong; Iâm not saying my wifeâs ugly. But she was under the mistletoe at Christmas, waiting for someone to kiss, and she was still there at Lent! In fact, she went to see that film âThe Elephant Man,â and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance!
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they werenât that lonely.
I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, âJoey.â She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, âIâm homesick.â I said, âBut precious one, this is your home.â She said, âI know, and Iâm sick of it.â
He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.
Iâm not saying my mother didnât like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
My grandfather made money out of the slave trade ⊠he sold my grandmother.
A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.
People say to me, âCheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.â By the time she smiles on me she wonât have any teeth left.
I wouldnât say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.
I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering⊠whatâs on the other channels?
I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, âWhat do you think I am? A trout?â
I wouldnât say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.
Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday Iâve been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said heâs too old for that sort of thing. So now Iâll have to play on the swings on my own.
I said to the wife, âI wish you wouldnât smoke in bed.â She said, âBut a lot of women do.â I said, âNot bacon they donât.â
I can always tell when the mother in lawâs coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
The wifeâs Mother said, âWhen youâre dead, Iâll dance in your grave.â I said: âGood, Iâm being buried at sea.â
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaudsâ Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, âKeep her moving sir, weâre stock-takingâ
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
- You can enjoy a beer all month long.
- Beer stains wash out.
- You donât have to wine and dine a beer.
- Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football (or, for the more enlightened, cricket).
- When your beer goes flat, you toss it out and get another one.
- Beer is never late.
- A beer doesnât get jealous when you grab another beer.
- Hangovers go away.
- When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
- Beer never has a headache.
- After youâve finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth five pence (or at least it used to be).
- A beer wonât get upset if you come home with another beer.
- If you pour a beer correctly youâll always get a good head.
- A beer always goes down easily.
- You can share a beer with friends.
- You know youâre always the first one to pop a beer.
- Beer is always wet.
- Beer doesnât demand equality.
- You can have a beer in public.
- A beer doesnât care what time you come home.
- A frigid beer is a good beer.
- If you change beers you donât have to pay maintenance.
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna:
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
âThat was my pager.â She said. âI have a microchip under the skin of my arm.â
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained.
âThat was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.â
The older woman felt very low-tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally saidâŠ
âWell, will you look at thatâŠIâm getting a fax!â
Hi
Went to the new Restaurant last night.
Itâs called Karma,no menu, you get what you deserve
By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can replace 87% of the joy you have left in your life.
Fuel prices going up donât affect me. When I fill up, I only ever put ÂŁ20 in.
A 45 year old woman has a massage heart attack, taken straight to hospital and whilst being operated on she has a vision or near death experience where she sees God. She ask âis it my time lordâ to which he answers â no not yet, in fact you have another 43 years 2 months and 5 days before Iâm calling you upâ . She comes out of the operating room and decides that she wants liposuction, breast enhancement, face lifting & her teeth realigned, then has a new hair style and clothes, after all she has that much time left she wants to look good. On leaving the hospital, looking a million dollars(& spent nearly as much) she walks out into the fresh air with real zip in her step, crosses a road and gets knocked down by an ambulance, she meets God and askedâ what is going on, you told me I had another 43 years to liveâ
God replied â sorry I didnât recognise youâ