Jokes for today

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My mate once set me up with a blind date, he said
“ I have to tell you she’s expecting a baby”
I felt a right prat stood in that pub in just a nappy,….

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We watched a Les Dawson special last night and I’ve just found these one-liners attributed to him. Enjoy.

I said to the chemist, ‘Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?’ He said, ‘Why?’ I said, ‘She keeps waking up.’

I upset the wife’s mother the other Guy Fawkes Night. I fell off the fire.

She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.

Duck goes into the chemist’s shop. ‘A tube of lipsol please.’ ‘Certainly, that will be fifty pence.’ ‘Put it on my bill, please.’

I spent three weeks pushing a pan scrubber in the baby’s face. I want him to get used to kissing his grandmother.

I said to my wife, ‘Treasure’ - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that’s just been dug up.

She was the flabbiest stripper I’ve ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.

Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

When my mother-in-law stands in the nude she looks like a wall of whitewash. She’s so fat she had to lose weight to model maternity frocks.

I don’t have to do this for a living, I just do it for the luxuries like bread and shoes.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

People often ask me: “What’s the difference between a northern audience and a southern audience?” Frankly, as far as I’m concerned there’s no difference … they don’t laugh at me in the south either.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said 'No, Six should be enough."

What amazes me is that so many people think show business is glamorous and exciting. Believe me, it’s about as glamorous as changing sheets in a bed-wetting clinic.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying my wife’s ugly. But she was under the mistletoe at Christmas, waiting for someone to kiss, and she was still there at Lent! In fact, she went to see that film “The Elephant Man,” and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance!

My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, ‘Joey.’ She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, ‘I’m homesick.’ I said, ‘But precious one, this is your home.’ She said, ‘I know, and I’m sick of it.’

He drank so heavy, the only thing that grew on his grave were hops.

I’m not saying my mother didn’t like me but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My grandfather made money out of the slave trade … he sold my grandmother.

A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

People say to me, ‘Cheer up, Lady Luck will smile on you one day.’ By the time she smiles on me she won’t have any teeth left.

I wouldn’t say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering… what’s on the other channels?

I went to a small guest house. The manager said, 'You want a room with running water? I said, ‘What do you think I am? A trout?’

I wouldn’t say the house was damp but the kids went to bed with a periscope.

Kids are maturing so much earlier now. Every Sunday I’ve been taking my six-year-old over to the park to play on the swings and the slides. Last Sunday he refused to go. He said he’s too old for that sort of thing. So now I’ll have to play on the swings on my own.

I said to the wife, ‘I wish you wouldn’t smoke in bed.’ She said, ‘But a lot of women do.’ I said, ‘Not bacon they don’t.’

I can always tell when the mother in law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

The wife’s Mother said, “When you’re dead, I’ll dance in your grave.” I said: “Good, I’m being buried at sea.”

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussauds’ Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

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  1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
  2. Beer stains wash out.
  3. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.
  4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football (or, for the more enlightened, cricket).
  5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out and get another one.
  6. Beer is never late.
  7. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
  8. Hangovers go away.
  9. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
  10. Beer never has a headache.
  11. After you’ve finished with a beer, the bottle is still worth five pence (or at least it used to be).
  12. A beer won’t get upset if you come home with another beer.
  13. If you pour a beer correctly you’ll always get a good head.
  14. A beer always goes down easily.
  15. You can share a beer with friends.
  16. You know you’re always the first one to pop a beer.
  17. Beer is always wet.
  18. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
  19. You can have a beer in public.
  20. A beer doesn’t care what time you come home.
  21. A frigid beer is a good beer.
  22. If you change beers you don’t have to pay maintenance.

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna:
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager.” She said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained.
“That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech.
Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said…
“Well, will you look at that…I’m getting a fax!”

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Hi

Went to the new Restaurant last night.

It’s called Karma,no menu, you get what you deserve

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By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can replace 87% of the joy you have left in your life.

Fuel prices going up don’t affect me. When I fill up, I only ever put £20 in.

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A 45 year old woman has a massage heart attack, taken straight to hospital and whilst being operated on she has a vision or near death experience where she sees God. She ask ‘is it my time lord’ to which he answers ‘ no not yet, in fact you have another 43 years 2 months and 5 days before I’m calling you up’ . She comes out of the operating room and decides that she wants liposuction, breast enhancement, face lifting & her teeth realigned, then has a new hair style and clothes, after all she has that much time left she wants to look good. On leaving the hospital, looking a million dollars(& spent nearly as much) she walks out into the fresh air with real zip in her step, crosses a road and gets knocked down by an ambulance, she meets God and asked’ what is going on, you told me I had another 43 years to live’
God replied ‘ sorry I didn’t recognise you’

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