I don’t have a pet, but I imagine my imaginary pet would tell me to get a real pet. Imaginary pets can be cheeky like that.
If your pet could talk, what would it tell you?
Sausages
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Is this a demand for food, like “Sausages NOW!”?
Four walks a day is too much.
Will you stop dragging me away from your/my bed for these flipping walks?
Why won’t that hooman fuss me when I’m up on my back legs begging?
Come and get that ball that’s under the furniture again.
I’ve dropped my biscuit that fell out of my mouth when I jumped up the kitchen step. Yes I know it’s right under my nose but it’s quicker and easier for you to stop what you’re doing and get it for me.
Mum mum mum mum, there’s that pesky dog from over the road walking past our house! Mum mum get out of the bathroom down there and come upstairs to tell me to stop barking!
Dinner time!!!
I need to go out for a wee.
Let me into the garden! I think the cat is there again.
Can I have your place on the sofa?
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I haven’t got a pet at the moment but quite often my cat wouldn’t be speaking to me anyway because he was in a snit over something (or nothing!) I’d done to offend 
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Get rid of that zimmer mum, I don’t like or understand why your using it. I want you to take me for my walks again, like you used to. 
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Food Mummy, Food, let me have yours.
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Sharing is caring,give me a piece of that cake and you can have bonio.
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The dog. Well I can safely say he would have a long list of complaints about dog food and also about how human focused the world is. Ref dog food he would tell me that the vet is completely wrong, does not understand dogs at all and he has read on the www.dogblog…com that dogs teeth are made to chew bones, that they should have scrambled eggs with lashings of butter every day, that lasagne, sausage rolls, chicken tikka and pies are all good for dogs and that he doesn’t think he should be on a diet if we are not on a diet. He would also complain that he doesn’t get cold, has a very effective fur coat and doesn’t need to be swaddled in blankets when we are cold.
It would be great that I could tell him that we are not completely deaf and can in fact hear the doorbell without his help, that we don’t appreciate his ruse of barking whenever there is a telephone call as he knows he will be sent out to the garden, that we may not be deaf but we don’t have night vision and so can trip over him if he is lying in the middle of an unlit hallway.
As for the cat, well she is an old lady who would have another long list of complaints about human behaviour and how she should have a special bedroom with a big human sized bed. How she thinks we are all inferior to cats and particularly the dog (who she feels she shouldn’t have to share a house with). How she doesn’t understand why we don’t like all the presents she brings us and that headless mice/rats show her appreciation.
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Mine would say “I love you Spitty” 
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Feed me !!
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She manages to communicate very well without talking but as she was a street dog and found on the council tip I think she would swear a lot.
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Tommy the budgie would teach me to repeat a rude word or two.
Nothing too nasty… Tommy wasn’t a chav.
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I’m sorry I’m your Kryptonite mum.
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I had to look that up!
The pets. We had a Siamese cat when we were school age. We think we thought it was talking.
A hundred years later we had my dog. When we walk with him doesn’t doesn’t bark. Just the the eye is enough. The couple across from us have a little Llapsos. They talk rather well…
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One of my cats COULD talk. He would stand full height on rear legs in front of me seated on my low lounge seat and TALK . Dammit he was so funny to see 
. He would clearly jabber away looking me directly in the eyes and I SWEAR I could almost make out him saying ”DAMMIT I’m talking to you, why can’t you answer in " CAT '. I truly loved that little guy. 
…
I love you Dad. Thank you for buying me. 