Hiding Behind the Sofa: Trollheart Revisits Classic Who

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Hiding Behind the Sofa: Trollheart Revisits Classic Who

Yeah, more likely due to the poor acting, awful stories and terrible effects, than being afraid, which I never experienced. The only monster that ever even slightly scared me was The Green Death, and that was mostly because they looked like, well, mobile penises. That’s enough to scare anyone! But Daleks? Loved them. Cybermen? Kinda cute really. None of the other aliens/monsters gave me any sleepless nights nor sent me diving behind our sofa (couch I guess to you Americans) - after all, the vast majority of them were just people running around with bits of plaster stuck to their skin, badly-fashioned scales or feathers, and probably a rubber mask bought on sale at Woolworths. So no, I was never scared, not even slightly, of Doctor Who, original and of course never the new one, as I’m now too old to be frightened by - what was that? Oh Jesus! Let me just… turn on this extra light and get my phone dialling nine-nine-…

Nah. I remember in Space:1999 there was a pretty graphic scene of a guy being burned to death, and it stayed with me for a while. Something about an alien that drew people in like a weird space siren and then toasted them up, sucking out whatever it wanted and throwing back the charred corpse. THAT was scary. Even recently, having rewatched it, yeah, I could feel a chill, and I did remark that it was pretty heavy for what would have been (erroneously) considered a kids’ programme, and broadcast therefore well before the watershed. But Doctor Who? Can I think of one monster, alien or creature who has scared me in the entire series run from 1963 till now? No. Other than as mentioned, and I wasn’t really scared of them, just a little repulsed.

All that being said, I was very young when Doctor Who was broadcast on the BBC at teatimes, probably about seven or eight (it began in reality when I was born, only four months later in fact) and looking back the first Doctor I recall watching is Jon Pertwee, so we’re talking 1970/71 or thereabouts, making me about eight, so yeah. At that age, I cared not too much for story and acting: I was just watching it because at the time we had four channels - RTE (Radio Telefis Eireann, our local Irish national television station), BBC 1, BBC 2 and UTV (Ulster Television, from up the North) - so your choices were limited. I’ve spoken of this before. As a kid then, you would watch anything that was vaguely interesting but which you might not normally be into, such as Daktari (about, if I recall properly, and I probably don’t, an African vet maybe?) or Bearcats, which I seem to remember having something to do with fast cars, or even Cade’s County, which had some sort of vague Texas Ranger idea. I don’t remember these shows, it’s just as if there’s a vague impression left of them, like that afterimage you get when you close your eyes really tightly.

But being a science fiction nerd even at this young age, anything set in space, on other planets, with aliens or monsters appealed to me, and so Doctor Who was right up my street, alongside shows like Star Trek (duh) and Logan’s Run, and later Blake’s Seven. The point though is that I remember very little if anything from the episodes I watched, and I know for sure I didn’t see any of the earlier Doctors at all. I also know that it’s the general consensus that the early seasons were laughably bad, and maybe not even in the so-bad-it’s-good vein, I don’t know. But I feel there may be some struggle involved here.

Which is why I’m not approaching this in any sort of serious way.

With apologies to those who revere early or Classic Who, I’m doing this so I can basically slag it off. There will be no reviews - the plot, if there is one (and I’m reliably informed for many episodes it could be argued there was not) will get the briefest of mentions, but what I’ll be looking for will be giggles. Terrible costumes, awful dialogue, incomprehensible story lines, laughable aliens and so on. I’ll be seriously (yeah) considering the set design and effects, and busting a gut over how serious the actors are taking what is now seen as pretty much a joke, notwithstanding that it led to a pretty successful worldwide phenomenon. I have no wish to be disrespectful to the franchise, but hell, I am going to rip the piss out of it when and if and as often as it deserves it.

My plan is to go from season one, episode one and do one a week. I’m not really opting for more than that, as I have a very full dance card as everyone knows, and I don’t want to rush this or get to the point where it becomes a job instead of something I enjoy. If - and I feel it’s a big if - or even when there are good points to be noted I will not pass them over; I’m not out to ridicule the show (well, not all that much) and when or if it can show me that, wow, someone really thought about space physics here or someone considered how an alien race would develop, or even someone actually put thought into the costumes/aliens/landscape/whatever you’re having yourself, I will talk about it. I may even, if I feel like it, seriously discuss aspects of the show, such as its genesis. Depends on how things go I guess.

But mostly I feel I’ll be laughing, groaning, rolling my eyes and acting my usual smartass self.

Okay let’s go. There’s a geriatric waiting in the fog at BBC Studio Two for stagehands to make his wooden police box travel through time. I don’t give much for their chances, to be honest.

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Note: As anyone following Doctor Who, even now, knows, most of the episodes were - and to some extent still are - part of an overall story, or as the BBC liked to call them, serials. This led to some potentially good cliff-hangers and the iconic screech that presaged the end of that episode, as we’d all gasp and wonder what would happen next week (shows were always, but always, back at this time shown once a week, no repeats or downloads, so you were left waiting seven days). Therefore I will be noting both the name of the episode and the serial it fits into.

Further note: in the collection I downloaded there is an unaired pilot, but as it was never seen on TV, for now I’m going to ignore it. I may check it out at some point, I may not, but in general I want to start where it all began, as the show was broadcast to a somewhat shocked and shaken TV audience who had just heard the terrible news about the American President’s death.

Title of episode: “An Unearthly Child”

Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child

Part: 1 of 4

Doctor: William Hartnell

Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Written by: Anthony Coburn and C.E. Webber

Original air date: November 23 1963

Okay, it’s good to hear the original scary (!) theme, which has been diluted over the decades and now just sounds, well, like a theme tune. But back then it was spooky, eerie and otherworldly, and you were left in no doubt as to what was coming up. Like the theme to The Onedin Line, Star Trek or Kojak, the music that identified a TV show was often your first indication that the show was starting, as you might be outside making tea or just coming in from school, or making your way back in from the garden after burying the body of the latest teenage girl you had - what? You didn’t? But I thought everyone… ? No? Ah. I… see. Well in that case, forget what I said. No, no: look into this light.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. Burying the - NO! No, no no. Can you just look again… thanks.

Theme tunes. Yes. Definitely. Quite exciting to hear the first lonely notes of Star Trek or the thump-thump of Black Beauty, or the country jamboree that heralded the start of the Dukes of Hazzard, and when you heard Woo-woo! WOO-Woo! Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!” you knew the Doctor was in the house. Sorry.

But back to this first episode, which as you can see above is part one of a four-part serial, this episode carrying the title of the serial. A refugee from Dixon of Dock Green sets the scene and the pattern for most episodes in at least season one, if what I’m told is true, as he wanders around confused and lost in a thick London particular, or fog. He’s probably wondering how he stumbled onto this set, where the robbers in the stripy jumpers are with their bags of swag slung over their shoulder, and whether or not he should be calling and asking where Car 54 is. If you don’t get any of that, I hate you, as you’re too young. Eventually something emerges out of the fog; it’s a gate, and again with a sense of unintentional irony, it announces the presence of a scrap merchant. The gate swings open, though it’s not clear as to whether our intrepid copper has pushed it open, or if he’s buggered off to see if he can cadge a cup of tea from a neighbour in exchange for a few rounds of “Evenin’ all.” Shut up; I said you’re too young. Go look it up.

Behind this gate, anyway, we find a police box. Nothing odd about that, you say. Oh, you don’t say? You know all about it do you? Well why aren’t you writing this, smartarse? Yeah, obviously this is the famous TARDIS, the first time anyone has seen it, and to be fair, it is kind of odd that it’s in a scrap merchant’s yard, although I suppose it could have been brought in there by Steptoe and Son (if I have to explain one more time that you’re too young there’ll be ears getting clipped, my lad. Oh give me strength! It’s an old phrase that… you know what? Forget it. Just be quiet and listen, maybe you’ll learn something) but at any rate there it stands. Oh look! Poor old C.E. Webber doesn’t get a credit, as the, um, credits come up. I see Anthony Coburn wrote the rest of it, parts two, three and four, so maybe he felt that as he was doing the lion’s share of the writing Mr. Webber could just fuck off. Or maybe the BBC didn’t have the budget to show two writers. Or they wanted to pretend it didn’t take two people to write this trash. Or they imagined the kids wouldn’t care, which I guess they didn’t.

Scene change, and we’re at school, where we meet a scientist, possibly but probably not mad, who is the first to speak, thereby I guess making history as being, you know, the first actual voice we hear on the first episode of the show. The cop either wasn’t paid to talk or decided his superiors would take a dim view of it, but in reality there was nobody to talk to, and a cop talking to himself might work well down at Dock Green, but up here in London that sort of thing can get you transferred to the Vehicle Licencing Department in Swansea, where you’ll spend the best years of your career stamping permits and trying to avoid close-harmony male voice choirs, and where every customer begins their request with “Look you.” The scientist looks like he ended up there due to his mind having been so much on weighty subjects that he wandered in there by accident, and has been so embarrassed that he hasn’t been able to find his way out, and has had to become a teacher to cover up. He’s talking to another teacher, and between them they fill in the details every avid kid viewer couldn’t give a curse about. Get to the aliens! Give us monsters! And for the older ones, the girls in the short skirts please! What do you mean, this isn’t Star Trek?

The upshot of their, to be fair, reasonable conversation is that one student, a Susan Foreman, is known to be a genius at history and science (the science teacher says she knows more about it than him) and lives at home with her grandfather, but the other teacher, a woman, says that when she went to talk to him there was nothing at the address except… an old junk yard. Hey, nice connection! Give us monsters! Yeah yeah, cool yer jets kids. We’re getting there. Possibly. The two teachers decide to shadow Susan home, as the male teacher is convinced the “poor silly woman” got the address wrong, one has to make allowances for these feather-headed fillies, you know, oh yes, dear me, forget their own pretty little heads if they weren’t tightly screwed. Er, on. Yes. On. Screwed on. Rather. Ahem. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Anyway off they go, having given Susan a book on the French Revolution, rather imaginatively titled The French Revolution, which she reads and says to herself “That isn’t right!” She of course ends up at the scrap yard, and Mr. Science Teacher has to admit that, dash it, the gel may have been right after all! How extraordinary! Still, doubtless it’s nothing a chap can’t figure out, with our superior brains and our sensible suits and haircuts, and perhaps a pipe on occasion. As the intrepid pair follow the unsuspecting Susan into the junk yard, the female teacher (neither have been named; I’m not being lazy here) shivers that she feels a sense of foreboding, that they are about to interfere in something best left alone. “Don’t you feel it?” she asks her opposite number, who sadly doesn’t quip “How could I, my dear? I’m in front of you! Besides, I am a gentleman!”

Ok, now they’ve been named. She’s Miss Wright (ah now! Seriously?) and he’s Mr. Chesterton. More unintentional hilarity and innuendo for me when, having discovered the police box, Chesterton places his palm on the wood and exhorts Miss Wright to “Feel it!” She then talks about vibrations, oh ho ho, all good clean fun, but not for those of us with warped minds in need of a deep clean. Chesterton then uses the old Frankenstein quote and gasps “It’s alive!” Quite why he says this about a wooden box is beyond me. I could understand maybe “it’s live”, barely, but “it’s alive?” Weird, and just does not sit right. About to go and “find a policeman” (wonder if that wandering copper has finished his tea and Digestive biscuits down at number seven yet?) the two suddenly hide as they hear a coughing, and out from the police box emerges the man who will make history as the very first Doctor, William Harnell, sounding like he should be sealed up in a wooden box all right, but horizontally. Definitely a touch of the vampire about him. Susan’s voice calls out to her grandfather, to nobody’s surprise, given the tell-don’t-show conversation between the two teachers earlier.

Showing perhaps admirable courage, although then again this is an old man, so hardly likely to fell them with a Kung-Fu kick, which has not been invented yet (or not known in the west, which for us is the same thing of course), the two teachers stride purposefully forward and demand to know where Susan is. They believe her voice came from within the box, but the old man rejects their suggestions and basically tells them to fuck off, sixties style. A younger man might get a threat of a “bunch of fives”, but no strong fit young science teacher is going to hit an old guy, so the obvious thing to do is, as Miss Wright suggested earlier, get a policeman. They’re going to spoil his tea, they are.

Oh. No they’re not. Have another Digestive, Constable. Susan, worried about her grandfather, opens the door and the two teachers shoulder their way in (well, he shoulders his way in and she tags along) to find - gasp! Some sort of spaceship! Right. We will say it once, and then never speak of it again. Ready? Together then. One, two, three… “It’s bigger inside than outside!” Yes of course it is. Decent enough set really, given that it was basically thrown together at the last minute as a way to get the producers off the designer’s back so he could concentrate on more important stuff. Miss Wright betrays an annoying sense of matter-of-factness, seeming to brush off the whole idea of, you know, there being a spaceship inside a wooden police box, more concerned with who Susan’s grandfather is and that she lives here. It’s a tad unconvincing and just a little too stiff-upper-lip-don’t-let-the-side-down British really.

Susan is the one to first use the now-famous acronym, one she coined, telling her teachers the police box is a TARDIS, and can move through time and space. Not surprisingly, they find this hard to believe, but the irascible old grandfather, the Doctor who has not yet been called that, grins and says he knew they wouldn’t understand. Turns out they’re both aliens (duh), Susan and her grandfather, exiles from their home planet. Hey! If he’s a timelord does that make her a timelady? Or being young, is she more a timegirl? Hmm. She’s very excitable, which I suppose complements the calm, unbothered air of the Doctor who (sorry) has not yet been called that. At least while Chesterton runs around saying it can’t be true, Miss Wright is a little more rational, saying that Susan and her grandfather are “playing a game”, which is marginally better I guess. But now the Doctor has decided neither of these two can leave with his secret, and they must die.

Or, you know, become his companions along with Susan. Either is good I guess. And so, with some very dodgy effects which sort of look like someone spilled paint down the screen, we’re off! Off to a new world of wonders and terrors. Or, well, to the go-to location for the BBC: a disused quarry. And we have just enough left in the budget to have an unpaid stagehand walk across the sand and throw his elongated shadow in as menacing a way as possible (not very) before the next episode kicks in. Can we stand the suspense?

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I think all this piss taking is very unfair.It was aimed at a family audience meaning kids sensibilities had to be considered and it didn’t have Paramount money behind it.

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Of course it’s unfair. That’s why it’s such fun. :grinning:
Anyway it’s the only way I can get through this, believe me. I’ve gone through six separate serials so far and if I were to take them seriously I’d be in a madhouse gibbering like an idiot. Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Like I said, it’s not meant to be disrespectful, but you have to larf don’t ya?

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I watched the first episode when it was broadcast on the 30th of November 1963 at the tender age of 9, I’ve been a fan ever since, and my kids are now fans as well. We all met Carole-Ann Ford, who played Susan at a Dr Who convention many moons ago.

When the programme was first shown there were only three viewing options. BBC, ITV, or the Flicks, and there had been nothing like it before on TV.
As mentioned above, it was was good family entertainment, being broadcast at 5.25pm on a Saturday evening.

I was never scared of the monsters, and I agree that the current theme tune is a poor parody of the original by Ron Grainer and his Radiophonic Workshop.

At least the TARDIS “take-off/landing” sound hasn’t been altered. It was originally created by rubbing somebody’s front door key up and down a piano wire.

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A “newbie”’s thoughts

Sure, I know Doctor Who but as I said at the start, I’m very much clueless when it comes to anything prior to the Pertwee era, and even then, I only remember the odd snatch of story from the odd episode. After Baker I think I gave it up - I certainly don’t recall much about Davison, McCoy and certainly not the other Baker - so I’m sort of in uncharted territory here, and am almost, but not quite, looking on this as my first real experience with Classic Who. And what do I think of my first run-in with the timelord?

Well, surprisingly, while I’m not exactly impressed I’m not completely laughing at this either. Not yet anyway. The basic script holds together well, and while the acting could be a little less, well, British I guess, that was the sixties so what can you expect? In an era when Kojak would be grinning “Who (no connection) loves ya, baby?” and Mannix would be, well, doing whatever Mannix was doing, British cop shows would still feature the calm, polite bobby who trod his beat in shows like the already-mentioned Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars. It’s just how the British are, and the BBC was always eager to maintain standards.

Characterwise, what do I think? Susan is highly excitable, perhaps a good caricature of a sixties English schoolgirl, though I was surprised to find out she was an alien (Gallifreyan, I assume), believing the title “grandfather” for Hartnell was merely honorific, or a way to legitimise the otherwise perhaps odd relationship between an old man and a young girl. She comes across as impatient, precocious and the kind of girl you might be tempted to give a slap to, but I’m sure I’ll get to know her better as the episodes and seasons wind on. It’s interesting to see that this is, to my - admittedly flawed and basic - knowledge, the only time the Doctor has had more than one Companion, certainly the only time before the reboot when he has three. That was intriguing.

Do I think the idea of a schoolgirl being forced to take along her teachers on her adventures is a good idea? I most certainly do not, and I can see many instances developing where the two adults - once they get their bearings, or space/time legs I guess - try to lay down the law and teach Susan how she should behave. Many disapproving tsks on the way, methinks! But we’ll see. As for Hartnell, well, I am surprised to find that originally the show’s creator wanted the character of the Doctor to be an adversarial one, a man who was against all science and invention and wanted to destroy the future. Hmm. That could have been interesting. Of course, I guess they later addressed this through the Doctor’s eternal nemesis, the Master.

As for Hartnell himself, I think here his character works. He’s an irascible, impatient old man who has little time to explain things and has a very superior attitude towards the two teachers. He shows some guile though, when he pretends, near the end of the episode, that he is in fact letting the two go - and with them, Susan too - but then slams the TARDIS into drive, as it were, and off they all go, unwilling participants (well, two of them anyway) in the Doctor’s adventures. Sneaky! His manner is a little irritating; very supercilious and very condescending, but sort of consistent with older people when dealing with younger, a sort of half-jealousy of their youth mixed with a healthy disregard for all the things they don’t know and he does. Whether this attitude will wear thin as the show goes on I don’t know, but it is perhaps telling that of all the Doctors, Hartnell was the oldest; after this they went with younger men, and still do. Other than one woman, but she’s young too. You know what I mean. And there’s John Hurt of course, but that gets us somewhat off the track.

As an opening (pilot I guess, as the original was, as I said, not aired) episode, it sets things up nicely and does give you a feeling of wanting to know where this will go, though I feel that this one only goes back in time to the Stone Age or somewhere. Could be wrong about that, but we’ll see. Initially conceived, I believe, as a sort of aid to history for kids, a fun way to learn about the past, it might very well be that the story and plot took second place to facts and figures, and dates and places to be taught. Again, I guess we’ll see.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Given that I’m, as I said, very unfamiliar with about ninety percent of the Doctors, this is where I will give my initial, and later ongoing assessment of each. As this is only the first episode there’s not a lot I can say, and yet there is, so let’s get to it. Time’s a-wastin’. Sorry.

FIRST DOCTOR - WILLIAM HARTNELL

As I mentioned, the first Doctor is also the oldest, as after this the idea of I guess a father-figure would be somewhat dropped, to allow, I suppose, young people to connect more with the Doctor himself rather than the Companion(s), as it was probably originally envisaged they would, or would be directed to do. I know of Hartnell, of course (who doesn’t?) but only as a vague, old-guy figure. I’ve never seen any of his work, perhaps the odd cameo in new Who if he made any, but basically nothing. So when he appears on screen it’s almost like some old tramp trying to steal the TARDIS (which is ironic, as we later learn, or it is built up in the mythology of the show, that the Doctor did in fact half-inch the time machine from his home planet and basically went joyriding the spatial and temporal waves with it), looking quite suspicious, the sort of person that were you to find him hanging around a junk yard would indeed have you running for the nearest beat bobby. Not that he looks dangerous, as such, but you might think he had wandered away from an old folks’ home.

His character, here anyway - I believe it changes as the season unfolds - is one of a man who is used to both getting what he wants and doing what he likes, and answering to nobody. He is very curt and condescending, even insulting to the two teachers, refusing to answer any questions and laughing at their attempts to try to understand what it is they have stumbled upon. He is, at least, grandfatherly towards his niece, though it must also be said that he is, or seems to be, or pretends to be, willing to dump her in order to keep his secret. This turns out to be a ruse, but still. He’s not someone used to, or willing to giving explanations, and seems impatient and frustrated, like a savant trying to think down to a normal person’s level. He is most annoyed to find intruders in the TARDIS, but his solution to this is weird. I suppose (as we’ll find out, or I will anyway) the idea is to show them that this is all real, and not some trick. This will, of course, become a sort of modus operandi for the Doctor, as after all, showing is better than telling, and it’s hard to deny the existence of time travel, however difficult it may be to accept it, when you find yourself in ancient Rome or where(when?)ever.

You would have to say that on first viewing, and if you knew nothing about the show and its characters, the Doctor is not a nice person. He’s not someone you’re going to root for, someone you’re going to like, someone in whose company you would want to be. In fact, the idea of being stuck in a spaceship (alright: space/timeship) with an old git like that would not be on the top of anyone’s wish list. Later Doctors would be - slightly - more approachable, but the timelord would always betray a certain impatience and a sense of tolerance towards his Companions, treating them, as I mentioned elsewhere, more really as pets than equals, which of course they’re not. Equals, that is. Technically, they’re not pets either, but this seems to me to be the best characterisation of the relationship between the Doctor and those who accompany him in the TARDIS.

Back to Hartnell though. Some of his logic is, to say the least, specious. He rambles on about how it is seen to be impossible to fit a larger building within a small one, comparing this to seeing a picture of a larger building on TV, which to me is missing the point completely and does not in any way prove his case. But he also gives the impression he’s just throwing out various ideas to show how insignificant he regards humans (remember: Susan, his first Companion, is not human, so Chesterton and Wright qualify as the first of our species to travel with him in the TARDIS), and that he really doesn’t care whether they believe him, understand the principles, or just fuck off and leave him alone. I think - not sure but I think - we see him use the sonic screwdriver for the first time, when he closes the door of the TARDIS, but other than that he seems just a crazy old man. No wonder they think he’s lost it, and has dragged their student (who surely is definitely human and not at all from another planet) into his fantasy.

As I mentioned, the original idea was for the Doctor to be, well, evil, and I think in this Hartnell embodies the characteristics and moral attitude that best illustrate this original Doctor. He has no love for humanity (that will come later) and no desire to stay here other than that his granddaughter has chosen to live here and made a home for herself. In fact, the only real personal or emotional tie to the planet is Susan, and without her it’s quite likely he would be just as happy living in the ninth century or on Boron XXIV or hanging out at the western fringes of the Horsehead Nebula. The idea of the Doctor protecting Earth, being its champion, won’t, I expect, come till much later, and possibly with new regenerations of the character.

For this first episode though, and the introduction of William Hartnell as the Doctor, I would have to say I’m not impressed. I don’t like him, I don’t understand him and I certainly don’t empathise with him. Let’s see if that changes over time. Sorry.

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Title of episode: “The Cave of Skulls”

Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child

Part: 2 of 4

Doctor: William Hartnell

Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Written by: Anthony Coburn

Original air date: November 30 1963

Oh dear. With a title like that, you’re not really expecting a lot, are you? Probably wise. A strange-looking dude who reminds me of Nicholas Lyndhurst if he hadn’t shaved or washed for about a month watches the appearance of the TARDIS, but seems to be thinking “How the fuck did I get roped into this trash?” more than “What is this strange box with surely godlike beings whom I should worship?” Cut to, well, a cave, where, as you might expect, cavemen and cavewomen seem to be performing some sort of ritual, rather worryingly with a bone of questionable origin. They seem quite put out: I wonder if the guy leading the ceremony is some sort of caveman witch doctor? Witch doctor? That one, there, in camera shot. Sorry, had to do it. I know, I know. Okay, looks like head cave guy is only trying to make fire - which seems to be forbidden, by who I don’t know - but as he gets increasingly agitated and rubs two bones together (who said cavemen were poor?) and grunts, his hands moving rapidly, it all looks decidedly dodgy, so much so that a child in the crowd turns away with an uneasy look. Or maybe he’s just going to have a long and frank talk with his agent. What, after all, is wrong with an ad for beans, or washing-up liquid?

I suppose for literary purposes (to use the term very generously) all the cavepeople speak perfect English, so no trying to decipher grunts or making shadow animals for the Doctor and his companions when they meet them, I guess. Head cave guy - his name could be Za, maybe - seems to be having no luck making fire, though he has a brilliant idea: to shout at the wood. The wood, however, is not impressed and remains completely unburned. Well it was worth a try. The old woman who is laughing at his attempts to make fire - well, not laughing: none of these people seem particularly happy, but then, I guess if you had to spend your time in a freezing cave avoiding Wooly Mammoths and Sabre-Toothed Tigers, you wouldn’t be too jolly either - seems to either know the secret but be unwilling to share it with him, or pretends she does. Either way, it’s pretty clear our Za thinks she’s a bitch, as he rants “You should have died with him,” possibly meaning his father, if anyone cares, which I don’t, nor I’m sure do you.

Now there’s some mention of a Kal, who one of the other cave beauties (!) warns Za may be after his job, as she says “the leader is the one who makes fire.” Oh great. You can just see the election campaign for Cave No. 34997 now, can’t you? “Vote for me, Kal, and I will rub the bones together like you wouldn’t believe! Hey, I may not actually make fire, but I tell you what, I won’t fcking talk to it like my opponent, Za does!” Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, where fire has been mastered for ever so long, the Doctor and his Companions try to figure out where the hell they are. Seems in the early days - and for quite a while, if I remember the little I did see as a kid - putting the TARDIS in drive was a lottery: there was and is no way to predict or control where or when it will go, and the Doctor is rather bemused when his calendar readout says 0. Oh for the love of Daleks! He calls it a “yearometer”! Come on, BBC! I know the budget was about three ham sandwiches and a can of fizzy pop, but you could have come up with a better name than that! Even chronometer would have been better. Era meter? Hell, time tracker would do. Year-fucking-ometer? Jesus.

Quite a clever line here, when Chesterton calls the Doctor by Susan’s name, assuming his to be the same. “Dr. Foreman” he says, and the Doctor responds with “Hmm? Doctor who?” Classy. Anyway Chesterton is still not convinced, thinking it all a trick, while Wright seems to be more inclined to believe, um, her own eyes. The Doctor invites them all outside as he goes to collect soil samples, the better to determine what era they are in. Even so, faced with an alien landscape (well, one from Earth’s distant past. All right then, a disused quarry! Happy now?) Ian still cannot bring himself to credit it. The Doctor tsks that the TARDIS has remained as a police box, when it should have changed to blend in with its surroundings, something we know today is achieved by the chameleon circuit, which has never worked. While he’s digging in the sand of the disused quarry sorry ancient Earth soil, the Doctor is observed by our mate Za from the cave.

Incidentally, if you’re thinking all these pictures look basically the same, you’re right, and it underlines how boring and slow an episode this is. Mostly it features a bunch of second-rate actors talking in a cave. Gripping.

What’s weird to me is that from the moment they exited the TARDIS there has been the cry of some strange bird in the air - kind of more like someone opening and closing a squeaky hinge really - but none of them have thought to look up into the sky once. I mean, are they thick, or deaf? They find an odd-looking skull and try to identify it, but can’t, as no doubt it’s an animal long extinct in our time. Susan seems to confirm the chameleon circuit has worked but is not working now, but then we’ve only her word for that. Maybe it never worked. Hey, maybe she broke it. Ian finally accepts that there are more things in time and space than are dreamed of in his philosophy, but when they go to rejoin the Doctor, he’s nowhere to be seen. For someone who has surely experienced many adventures with her grandfather, Susan is very hysterical when they can’t find the Doctor. Overacting much? Not doing a lot for the image of the modern, cool and collected woman here, Suzy!

Back caveside, Za has a brilliant idea to solidify his grip on power. “I shall have to spill some blood,” he says, not confirming if he means his own, though that’s doubtful. The redoubtable Kal has brought the Doctor (so I guess it was him watching and not Za; hell, you seen one caveman, you’ve seen them all, right?) whom he saw “making fire” (he was lighting his pipe) and from whom, no doubt, he intends to force the secret. Kal makes his play, setting out his manifesto (“Za rubs his hands and waits for Orb to remember him! Za will give you to the tiger and to the cold!” All right there, Kal: remember the rules of Cave Elections! No deliberate smearing of the opponent, unless it’s with woad). Kal and Za face off, and I don’t think it’s to debate one another on the finer points of stone age living and equal rights for cave women, but then the Doctor wakes up and taking in the situation at a glance, confidently asserts he can make fire for them.

Until he realises, to his horror, that he has lost his matches. Disaster!

This is, I think unintentionally but nevertheless hilarious! A man of power and knowledge such as the Doctor, a man who has - presumably - been from one end of the galaxy to the other and backwards and forwards in time, and he can’t light a fire without matches? Was he never a boy scout? Does he not know about rubbing sticks together, or, as the news announcer in The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy incorrectly put it, “the trick is to bang the rocks together, fellas!” Oh dear. Surely such simple and basic knowledge should be elementary to him, but no: he’s panicking now as he pats his pockets and gasps in horror like a man who has lost his wallet with the winning lottery ticket in it!

Kal is somewhat crestfallen by this unexpected turn of events, which is to say, he desperately grabs the Doctor by the lapels and shakes him, saying “Make fire! Make fire!” with a subtext of “Come on, man! I vouched for you. You’re making me look bad in front of my homies. Not cool!” But our timelord is useless without the power of matches, and so Za decides, in the manner perhaps of the first true politician, to capitalise on his rival’s embarrassing failure to deliver on his promises, and starts bigging himself up. “Za does not say he will do something, and not do it!” he crows, conveniently forgetting (as do they all, with the probable exception of his arch-nemesis Kal) that only a few moments ago he was trying to explain how he couldn’t make fire, which he had promised/boasted he could.

Somewhat ticked off, Kal decides it’s time to ditch the Doctor, who has become rather less than the bonus he had expected in his campaign to be elected cave leader, and this takes the form of, well, killing him. Just then Ian and Barbara rush in, and are immediately taken prisoner. What are Companions for eh? The Doctor admonishes the cave folk that if they kill his Companions (and, presumably, him too) there will be no fire, somewhat, I would have thought, of an empty threat, since he’s already failed to provide this necessity of life, due to the lack of matches. Hasn’t he ever heard of a Zippo by the way, or don’t they use them on Gallifrey? The order is for the intruders to be brought to the Cave of Skulls, which does not sound like a place you would wish to be taken to, but does at least give the episode its title.

And by the way, where in the blue jumping fuck is our intrepid Susan while all this is going on? Still screaming about her grandfather and wishing she had stayed behind and concentrated on her A-Levels? Point of note: the sand, as the Doctor pointed out (when he was a real man and had matches at his disposal, oh how well I remember it!) is cold, and it seems that for some unknown reason the sun is gone from the sky. This is obviously the stone age or one of those times when people dwelled in caves - actually it has to be the stone age; surely fire was discovered if stuff like bronze and iron were in use? - and I don’t recall history ever telling us of the Earth being without sun. Wouldn’t all life die? Perhaps this is just after the extinction of the dinosaurs? But wasn’t that a hell of a long time before we infested the planet with our presence?

An interesting and hilarious exchange between the father of “Za’s woman” (who does not, of course, rate a name, other than “the woman” and Za:

Za: “The woman is mine.”

Woman’s father: “My daughter is for the leader.”

Za: “Yes. The woman is mine.”

Woman’s father: “Ah, you don’t seem to understand, Za. My daughter is for the leader, yes?”

Za: “That’s me.”

Woman’s father: “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

(Only the first three lines are in the episode; the rest I made up, but they give you a sense that Za is perhaps not quite the sharpest bone tool in the cave).

The daughter seems, as will daughters in centuries and even millennia to come, not to agree with her father. If daddy doesn’t approve of Za, then she wants Za even more.

“Za will be a strong leader of many men,” she says. “If you give me to him he will remember you, and will always give you meat.” (Whether he will give her meat or not now is another… stop that!)

This is both an attempt to convince her father, and a threat. The first part of what she says tells daddy he really had better not piss her boyfriend off, and the second tells him that if he plays nice he need never worry about having to eat again. Win/win. Maybe. Za looks on with the kind of expression of someone who can only be thinking I do what now?

Incidentally, spin to 22:52 to see the best actor in this episode. Yes, I know it’s a skeleton in the foreground that does nothing. My point is, I think, succinctly made.

The old woman seems obsessed with killing people, and says fire will kill them all. In this, she proves herself one of the most forward-thinking of her time. Oh look! Susan is with them all in the Cave of Skulls! Where did she come from? Oh well, at least they can all now moan about the fact that they can’t do anything. Hey, is the Doctor in his pyjamas??

8

Comments: It’s poor. There’s no doubt about that. But it’s not quite as poor as I thought it would be. It is poor though. You can imagine the programme meeting before the show.

“Can we have some monsters?”

“No way. On your budget? Do me a favour! You’re lucky you have the box, and that’s only available because it’s police surplus!”

“A planet then?”

“How about a disused quarry?”

“Really?”

“Best we can do.”

“Sigh. All right, I guess it’ll have to do. Aliens?”

“I can do you some dodgy actors in a cave. My final offer: take it or leave it.”

Hartnell: “Can I at least have something to wear other than fucking pyjamas?”

“No.”

I don’t get the idea behind the sun not being there. The (sigh) yearometer said zero, so are we at the beginning of recorded time, or is it just as far back as the thing can count? If man is, technically, the dominant species, then the dinos are long gone you would assume, but how is man dominant without his two favourite methods of domination, the wheel and fire? When is this supposed to be? And are these guys the sum total of Earth’s population? If not, if there are other caves, can none of those guys make fire either? Surely Ian would have matches; a fine gentleman like him must surely smoke a pipe?

It in interesting that even here, so far back, when we think of cavemen we naturally assume the second part of that word to be the ones in charge, the men, but here, despite having little real social status, or at least none that is acknowledged, the women seem to be the ones pulling the strings. With typical female guile, they ensure the men do not realise they are being manipulated, but it’s heartening to see a more liberated attitude being practised towards the heat-challenged. The “power struggle” between Kal and Za is just hilarious; each is as useless as the other, neither with more than a brain cell between them. Are we seeing the early beginnings of the Republican Party here?

The rest, other than the father and his daughter, mostly just shuffle around looking like they wish they had not answered the casting call for “Extras for children’s programme on the BBC, must be able to look very dull and stupid, two pounds a day plus lunch in the BBC cafeteria. No blacks or Irish need apply.” They could probably fit in on an episode of The Walking Dead today - oh no wait; those guy know how to emote.

All in all, a pretty poor follow-up to the relatively decent pilot, and I can’t really see it getting much better from here.

Diagnosing the Doctor

If anything, this episode has lowered my regard for Hartnell’s character. It’s not the actor’s fault - you work with what you’re given, as I said before - but here we’re shown that the mysterious Doctor is not anywhere near as confident nor as powerful as we had thought, and as he would like us to think he is. The guy can’t even make fire by rubbing sticks together! What kind of a bloody timelord is he, anyway? Not only that, he can’t control his TARDIS: he has no idea where they are, and the fucking chameleon circuit isn’t working. Again. Unlike future incarnations, he can’t tell at a glance what year they’re in, and has to take soil samples like a common troll. His own arrogance melts away in the superior presence of men who can’t even rustle up a spark, and in terms of defence he’s helpless against, let’s be honest here, a bunch of savages with bone hatchets! Where’s his sonic screwdriver?

As a character, he does very little here. Most of the episode is given over to the scintillating conversation between the cavemen, and to be honest, when he does join the party he doesn’t add much to it. He goes off on his own in his superior way, only to get clonked on the head by a caveman and end up a prisoner. He panics when he can’t find his matches. The Doctor doesn’t panic; hardly knows the meaning of the word! And until they arrive, he doesn’t seem to be worried at all about the fate of his Companions, whose safety, surely, he is responsible for?

9

I think you come to the Daleks next,that’s when people got interested :grinning:

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Correct. In fact, they were ready to cancel the whole thing due to the (gasp) lack of interest in the first serial. Then the Daleks wobbled onscreen and a legend was born. Good old Terry!

12

Now seems an appropriate time to post this letter, lost in the BBC archives for almost sixty years and only retrieved recently when the records department moved premises. Carved on basalt rock, it has been dated roughly to the period we know as the Stone Age. It makes interesting reading.

Dear People of the Future.

My name is Grawwhhhhhsch – sorry, just clearing my throat. My name is Uh, and I have used the strange blue box in which the angry old man and his three younger slaves came to our world, in order to travel to your time. I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms at the depiction of my people in the television show called Doctor Who. Your writers portray us all as thick, misogynist and savage. I assure you nothing could be further from the truth. My Cave, number 34997, has been responsible for some of the finest art in our area, and Grug, one of our most famous authors, has had six bestsellers, among them How to Grunt, How to Kill Big Tiger and How to Make Fire. You will note the title of the last one, which completely refutes your contention in the Doctor Who programme that we are unable to do something as simple as make fire. Every child in our Cave can do this, and it is frankly an insult that you should assume we cannot.

Your programme only serves to perpetuate and reinforce the stereotypical image we as Cave People are forced to live with on a daily basis, and through no fault of our own. We are, contrary to what you think, an intelligent, caring society, who look after their old and who value the contribution of our women. Can you, I wonder, say the same?

Please reconsider next time you decide to depict life in our age.

Oh, and by the way, we call it the Rock Age here.

Cos we rock.

Little Caveman humour there, see?

Yours in protest,

Uh, leader of Cave 34999

13

With a staggeringly hard to understand sense of confidence and misplaced optimism, on we go.

“Don’t worry darling! I’m sure this won’t ruin our future television career! Come on now, don’t cry! Only one more episode of this trash to go! Be brave now! Stiff upper lip, girl!”

“Oh it’s all right for you, William! Your son will gain fame from being in the Harry Potter movies. But me? No, no, there’s nothing left for me! A brief appearance on Crown Court in 1978 and two poxy episodes of Tales of the Unexpected in the early 1980s, then I die in thirty years! Wouldn’t you be crying?”

“What about me? A succession of character roles, a few crappy movies, Crown fucking Court for me, too, and appearances on Black Adder and Robin of Sherwood that nobody knows of or cares about. Oh, and a starring role in Harriet’s Back in Town, from 1972 to 1973. Who the fck remembers Harriet’s Back in Town? And if anyone does, it’s not for me, but for Pauline Yates, who goes on to star alongside Leonard Rossiter in The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin! No, this is it for me; I will forever be remembered as the bloody Doctor’s first Companion! At least you get to die reasonably young. I’m still fucking alive sixty years later, creaking around as I approach my fucking century, not that anyone cares! I should have stayed on ITV - at least then people might have remembered me for The Adventures of Sir Lancelot!”

Title of episode: “The Forest of Fear”

Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child

Part: 3 of 4

Doctor: William Hartnell

Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Written by: Anthony Coburn

Original air date: December 7 1963

Oh dear. They don’t do themselves any favours with the terrible episode titles, do they? What is it about writers of drama and alliteration anyway? I can understand this in cartoons, but in - supposedly - serious television drama programme, is it really necessary? Couldn’t they have called it “The Dark Forest” or something? Anyway, on we reluctantly trudge as the first serial staggers on towards its no-doubt thrilling conclusion. When last we left our heroes, they were cave-sharing with rather a lot of rather emaciated figures, many, indeed most of which were, to be blunt, out of their skulls, or to be more accurate, their skulls were out of them, these showing signs of having been smashed in. Lovely. Surely then, logic would dictate that this is merely the waiting room, where the kindly cavemen will debrief their captives before releasing them unharmed, free to travel back to their own time?

That’s all right, then.

But wait! What’s this? Seems our heroes are saved! All the cavemen have done a Jim Jones and are lying dea - oh no. My mistake. They’re just all asleep. In a large untidy bunch. In lines. Hope nobody farted, cos they’re all in range. Hold on, we have movement. Is it the “woman” who was promised to our buddy Za? No, no, it’s the auld mad wan, who’s now doing a pretty good one-woman show called “The Ascent of Man”, or something, crawling on her knees then slowly rising into a ape-like posture before straightening up - more or less - and taking the pet rock from one of the cavemen, not sure who, nor if it matters. I imagine she’s going to go introduce this cute little creature to the time travellers, using the traditional method of bashing it over their heads. Cracked skulls ahoy then! Come on though: unless she catches them all asleep she’s hardly going to be the ultimate adversary now is she? They’ll easily overpower and de-rock her, and then where will she be?

Oh ho ho. More innocent talk to be turned by me into sexual innuendo, when Ian says there’s a breeze coming from somewhere, the doctor gives him a look that says indignantly “It wasn’t me!” and Barbara says “I can feel it on my face!” Zipping up (not really) Ian then remarks that “it may only be a small opening”, which possibly upsets his ladyfriend. Right, enough smutty fun. Back to the story, for want of a better word to describe it. The intrepid quartet look for a way to cut their bonds - oh if only there were something hard and sharp lying around the cave floor, like maybe, you know, bones? The Doctor pays his first, probably grudging compliment to Ian, telling him that he must concentrate on freeing himself as he is the strongest and may have to defend them all.

Meanwhile, Za has been woken from a lovely dream, no doubt of fire (is there anything that occupies this guy’s mind other than fire? Well, he’s a guy, so almost certainly sex. But that and fire seem to occupy his every thought) to be told the old woman has gone to the cave and taken his favourite knife. All right, it looked just like a stone: I’m no expert on prehistoric weaponry, you know. Seems the old woman is making a bargain with the Doctor and his companions - she will let them go if they promise not to bring fire here. “Fair enough,” nods the timelord. “So I suppose we can’t interest you in any fire insurance then?”

Za is a little ticked off when he discovers what they’ve done, but when he learns they’ve gone to the Forest of Fear, he reckons the travellers are as good as dead. Can’t you just see the tourism ads for this place? Come to see the Cave of Skulls, then spend your time blundering around in the Forest of Fear! Just don’t try making fire, all right? We frown on that sort of thing, bigtime. Anyhoo, Za’s woman, hilariously-named Hur, whom I had assumed was just being referred to as “her” - hey! These cavemen aren’t as backward as I thought! Oh wait, yes they are - urges him to pursue the newcomers and take from them the secret of fire. That’ll show that bastard Kal, she grins, and Za nods. Good idea, he says, as if he ever had an idea of his own. Meanwhile the old woman groans “Can someone help me up? I think I’ve put me back out. Why couldn’t the BBC stump up for a stunt double? I’m too old for this shit. Where’s that zimmer?”

In the forest, the Doctor realises he’s not as young as someday he’s going to be, having to stop to catch his breath, while Barbara, after displaying admirable qualities last episode of stoicism and good sense, reverts to a cowering frightened woman, clinging to Ian and shrinking against him, and possibly wondering where he got the gun he has in this pants? Ian is the action man now, leading the team with ill-advised confidence, the kind of man, possibly, who might lead them right over a cliff with only a final “Drat!” as he stepped out into oblivion. Wouldn’t be my choice for a leader, I must say.

Doesn’t look much like a forest to me, though, much less one of fear. More like the outdoor section of a gardening store. I keep expecting someone to come up with a geranium in a pot and ask if it is included in the sale? Barbara goes hysterical - again - when she thinks she sees something moving in the bushes, and without any basis for doing so, the Doctor pooh-poohs her fear, saying it’s sheer nonsense. What? Does he think this place is completely uninhabited? Why is it nonsense? As a timelord, surely he’s trained or has experience enough to consider every possibility, and the possibility of there being some sort of wild animal or wild animals plural in the forest is surely possible? Even likely? The Doctor and Ian face off, but Ian is asserting his authority now, and I’m sure if the Doctor were 500 years younger he could take him. As it is, he has to give in, with his customary bad grace.

Za and his woman continue to track them through the forest - well, it’s not hard: they’re not exactly covering their tracks, all but erecting large neon arrows pointing the way - with Za already growing into his role as leader, ready to blame the woman if they fail, but surely just as happy to take credit should they be successful. What a politician! He’s already covering his animal-skin-barely-clad arse! Barbara then gives away their position by shrieking in fear and dissolving into tears at the sight of a dead animal. Jesus on Safari! Has she never watched David Attenborough? The damn thing is dead! What the fuck is she shitting herself over? Talk about going to pieces!

You have to wonder if the producers got the actress to one side after last episode and had a chat with her? “Listen love, we know you want to be the tough action girl, but that’s not what’s required here. This is 1963, not 1993. By which time you’ll be dead, of course. Sorry about that. Maybe channel that feeling? More screaming, less taking charge. And if you can cry a little, our audience would probably appreciate that too. Can’t be letting the side down like that, old girl: got to know one’s place, don’tcha know?” Or something similar. She certainly seems miles from the strong, capable woman who was all but taking charge in the last episode! Honestly, the close-up on the boar’s head with the eye rolled back into its socket says it all, really.

Look, you have to laugh. They can clearly see there are only two people pursuing them, one a woman, and the sum total of their weapons seems to be one stone axe. Even allowing for the shrieking hysterics of Barbara, they still outnumber their enemy. Hey, Barbara could even disorient and distract them with her crying! Why are they hiding as if there’s a party of ten heavily-armed US Marines or something after them, as if they fear for their very lives? One swift kick in the happy sacks and our man Za will go down and will have other things to worry about besides fire. Well, other than the fire in his balls I mean.

Okay now it’s just got even sillier. Za gets attacked by some animal - presumably “tiger”, as he mentioned this in the Cave Presidential Debate with Kal - and instead of having it away on their toes, they’re being dragged into rescuing him, courtesy of - wait for it - Barbara! The woman who only a moment ago was jumping at shadows and bushes that rustle is now suddenly ready to leap to the rescue, her fear gone and her determination to aid their enemy flooding her brain. God save me, if he existed, which he doesn’t so I don’t know why I said that. To his credit, the Doctor, the only one it would seem with a particle of sense, is ready to use the diversion to get the fuck out of Dodge and back to the TARDIS, but no: Susan too has suddenly realised she’s in the episode and runs to help her sister in arms. Like, perhaps, the viewer at this point - certainly the reviewer - the Doctor throws up his hands and wades in with the other three.

For some reason the nameless animal has legged it, probably unwilling to provide evidence it took part in this tripe - “Look, my uncle Clarence works in MGM, I can get you into movies. Hey, at worst, there’s this company called ESSO…” (If you’re too young to get that joke, feel free to jump off a cliff) - and so when they come upon Za he’s lying wounded on the ground. Ian, for some reason, looks straight into the camera and grins “Well, we’ve lost our chance to escape!” with that typical British bravado and cheerfulness everyone outside of England hates them for. The Doctor is less sanguine, looking on with a pained expression that says “Bloody humans! And pointing out that the rest of the cavemen could be here any moment. Now he has a fight with Barbara, who has conveniently forgotten she was wetting herself in fear a short while ago, and is kind of back in charge.

Back at the cave, Kal has woken from a lovely dream of roasting Za over a spit and saying “How’s that for making fire, you cunt?” to discover that the object of his dreams has high-tailed it. He finds the old woman in the Cave of Skulls, and sets off after his rival, after slapping a “VOTE KAL!” sticker on her. Maybe. Oh no wait, even better: he kills her. How’s she going to vote for him now? Idiot. Anyway, Barbara does that not-so-endearing thing people do when they are dealing with someone of a lower mental capacity than them, or a deaf or dumb person: she speaks slowly and for whatever reason seems to think that making hand gestures will help explain her words. So patronising, as is Ian’s professional mental assessment of the cave people. Ah, BBC! Ya got to love them!

Barbara promises - without consulting with anyone else, least of all the Doctor - to give Hur the secret of fire in return for her (sorry) leading them back to the TARDIS. Quite why she thinks she knows the way there is a mystery, but there you are. I guess she and Za did encounter them there so, you know, maybe. In fairness, of all the characters it seems Hur is making the best impression here, learning that the others don’t mean her (sorry again) and her (and again) boy any harm, while the Doctor looks like if he had a gun he’d shoot them all. And the cave people too. Za is now on a stretcher - let’s hope the cave paparazzi don’t get wind of this! He’ll never be elected leader. This could scupper his entire political career!

All right now, speaking of a political career, my money is now on Kal, who masterfully manipulates, as Picard once said, the circumstances with the skill of a Romulan. Having killed the old woman, he now blames his hated rival, saying that Za killed her to get the secret of fire, let the captives go, and is going to betray them all. Or something. And probably Za stole the election, which hasn’t taken place yet, and what is it with these mail-in votes anyway? In a quite hilarious piece of either reverse logic or slow thinking, Kal says “Za killed the old woman,” and one of the other cavemen grunts. “The old woman is dead.” Well, yeah, guy, that’s how it works. Well, either way, Kal has won the election and he swears to protect the cave constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Let’s get those foreign bastards! And that domestic one too!

14

Comments: Well. It’s hard to know what to say, isn’t it? I mean, the story isn’t exactly hurtling along at a breakneck pace, but I suppose I’d have to allow that it’s moving faster than it did last episode, but then that wouldn’t be hard. I do like the idea of the cavemen exercising stone age politics in a way today’s political parties would be proud of, and in fact there’s little real change. Scapegoat? Check. Hated enemy? Check. Heinous crime for which hated enemy and scapegoat must be brought to justice/killed? Check. Power play? Check. Sloping brows and dull, dead eyes? Check. Political manifesto? Check. Quite funny. The forest is hilariously bad, the trees looking like a breath of wind would knock them over, and it’s also amusing that the budget wouldn’t stretch to seeing the actual attacker of Za, or maybe such an attack was deemed too violent for children’s TV. Yet they had no problem showing an old woman being murdered. Interesting.

The acting is, to be fair to all involved, abominable. Nobody comes out of this covered in any sort of glory, the Doctor and Barbara sharing the wooden spoon for the worst performances yet, while Susan is all but conspicuous by her absence. Za is a joke, and only Hur displays any sort of charisma, and she’s supposed to be a cave woman! The idea that the travellers would help the caveman instead of just legging it for the TARDIS is laughable, but there’s certainly a dark undercurrent in the episode that speaks to a series that surely was aimed more at adults, even if they laughed at and dismissed it initially.

Diagnosing the Doctor

I said last time the episode had, if anything, lowered my opinion of Hartnell’s Doctor, but it was up in the clouds compared to where it is after viewing this. There’s not the slightest shred of human compassion in him (I know, but you know what I mean) and all he does is fight with everyone. He’s clearly happier to run and get back to the safety of the TARDIS, and I honestly would not have put it past him to have dumped them all if he could and legged it. It’s only his advanced age that prevents him leaving them behind to their fate. His old body needs their young ones to save it, and he has to go along with their plans, though he definitely does not like it. He displays none of the later kindness, humour and determination to be a protector of the weak that his successors will, and I’ve seen nothing yet to convince me that he does not deserve the title of the very worst of the Doctors. First is not always best, and I just don’t see myself liking him, ever.

He’s also, let’s be honest here, either thick as shte or arrogant to a fault, as he seems unable to comprehend the most basic logical premise, maintaining, as I said earlier, that Barbara is screaming at shadows when in all likelihood there is something in the forest, something dangerous. He just dismisses her fears in a way no later Doctor would, or indeed, no rational, thinking person. I also don’t like the clear intimation, when he picks up the rock as Za lies on the stretcher, that he intended to kill the caveman, thus relieving his Companions of the burden, both literal and emotional, allowing them all to escape. Again, no Doctor worth his salt would ever consider killing an unarmed man who was, at the time, no danger to him.

And once again, I have to ask, what in the name of Tom Baker is he doing wearing pyjamas? Under a topcoat? Are they/is he just trying to emphasise how old and decrepit he is? At least later Doctors would have their own sense of style and sophistication. He just looks like he escaped from a mental institution. And also what’s with the nineteenth-century-schoolmaster-grasping of the lapel (see picture above)? I mean, come on! This is (or was) 1963, the Summer of Love, Swinging London and all that, not Dickens’ time! Man is he out of touch, even for nearly sixty years ago.

15

“Now ask me where my fucking homework is, you twats!”

Title of episode: “The Firemaker”

Title of Serial: An Unearthly Child

Part: 4 of 4

Doctor: William Hartnell

Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright

Written by: Anthony Coburn

Original air date: December 14 1963

All right, time to get this shitshow over with. Let’s dive right in. When last we left our intrepid adventurers they had made it back to the TARDIS with Hur and Za in tow (the latter looking a lot less likely to be making many concession speeches, having had his policies questioned in no uncertain terms by an animal who may or may not have been a tiger) when BOO! The mighty Kal and his band of Repub - sorry, cavemen and some women jumped out and said “Didn’t expect that, did you?” Yeah Kal, we actually did: you laid out your plan last time. Never mind. On we go.

A VERY sweaty Ian, who looks like he’s just emerged after several hours in a sauna, fills the screen (not an image for those faint of heart, I would add!) while cavemen seem to emerge from the ground around the TARDIS like plants growing out of the soil, or like those skeletons that popped up when the bad guy sowed the dragon’s teeth (or was it a hydra?) in the movie Jason and the Argonauts. Living Dead-like, they begin to stagger forward, causing our heroes to stagger backwards, back into the Forest of, um, Fear. Incidentally, I don’t know what it was with BBC cameramen, but they seemed not to think they had done their job unless they had managed to get right up the nose of their subject, the face taking up all the screen, as again we see one of the cavemen loom up and whisper “They are coming,” as if nobody could work that out for themselves.

Now begins an impromptu trial for the stretchered Za, as his rival tries to frame him for the murder of the old woman. In a stunning feat of legal gymnastics though, the Doctor out-thinks him, pointing out that the knife with which Za is accused of doing the deed has no blood on it. Faced with such O.J-style demolition of his evidence, Kal attempts to disprove the Doctor’s claims that Za’s knife is blunt by showing his own knife, which - oh dear! - has blood on it! Your honour, I move the testimony of the witness be stricken from the record, and he himself stricken with a nice heavy flat stone. No? Our Kal is in trouble now, and with his pea-sized brain has only himself to blame. Gasps go around the open courtroom: could it be that Kal lies? Surely not? What is a lie anyway?

Perhaps stupidly (remove the perhaps) Kal admits he killed the old woman, and the Doctor urges everyone there to advance their evolution a thousand years or so (no, no: it is an advance, really!) and stone the guy. They do. “Drive him out!” he yells, but the cavemen don’t even know the difference between a manual and an automatic transmission, and opt for running him out of town instead. Congratulations Doctor! You just created the first mob in human history! How proud you must be. Za, suddenly and miraculously cured of his wounds and not only able to stand now, but to positively strut, grins “Well, one does not wish the leadership for oneself, of course, but if one is called upon by one’s people to assume the mantle…” And assume it he does, pronouncing Kal as Public Enemy Number One and exiling him from the tribe. In grateful appreciation of the time travellers both saving his life (which, had the positions been reversed, he would most certainly not have done) and stealing the election for him, Za orders that they be returned to the Cave of Skulls.

Wait, what?

Yeah. Seems gratitude doesn’t hold much of a place in his heart. Or maybe he’s afraid, like all politicians in power, that his people might start thinking “You know, that Doctor chap is really clever. And he can, apparently, make fire. Maybe we should be putting our X beside his name!” For some reason, the abovenamed cave is just a few steps behind them. Well that’s handy. Nobody’s in the mood for another long trek through the Forest of Flatulence, sorry Fear. Za has a conflab with his lady, in which they discuss the many and various options open to him. “They must make fire, or they die.” Oh. well. Not so many options then. Good to know where you stand though. Ah but where would we be without some unintentional sexual innuendo? As they attempt to make fire, Ian says to Barbara, “Spread them around the hole.” Barbara, who is a good Protestant girl no doubt and doesn’t even know what rimming is, ignores him and instead grabs onto his hard thick shaft.

The stick, you degenerate bunch! The stick with which they’re trying to spark up a blaze. Friction, which is, to be honest, something this drab episode - this whole serial - could do with. Science friction? Sorry. Eventually they get it together and Za is one happy caveman. Mind you, he’s getting a bit close to the newly-made fire - careful there me old mate! Don’t want to give your people fire by dancing about with it on your head! Outside, the natives are literally getting restless, as another guy sees his chance to seize power, but what’s this? Our mate Kal ain’t going gently into that good night. He’s back, and ready to have a free and frank discussion with Za about his fire policy. With the help of an axe. Is this in the debate protocols, mister moderator?

In a comical, cartoonish fight that reveals more than you’ve ever wanted to see of any Caveman’s secret places, the two dance and wrestle around the cave, while the time travellers, um, watch. Nobody thinks “You know, if this Kal guy gets the edge we’re all toast. Better clonk him one with one of these handy bones, of which there are many lying about!”? No, they just seem to believe Caveman Wrestlemania 0001 AD is a spectator sport, and they do nothing. In the end, Za scores a major hit on his opponent, bringing the debate to a rousing close with a pretty damn big rock, and goes to show his tribe the miracle of fire. Grateful as ever, they now moan that there is no meat, and Za, probably already regretting becoming the leader, snaps “All right! All right, fuck you! I’ll go get meat!” Whether or not he thinks of ducking back into the cave and cooking up Kal for supper I leave to you to decide. When he returns he invites the travellers to stay with them. Or die. Either is good.

Susan then delights motorcycle clubs, metalheads and tattoo artists nationwide as she sticks one of the torches into a skull, and a logo is born. In perhaps the most stupid piece of writing ever (and it’s got lots of competition here) they then fool the cavemen into thinking they’ve died by, um, sticking four blazing skulls in the sand. I tell you, the flesh just wastes away in this cave. Can you believe it? Not only have their bodies rotted in less than an hour, but so has all their skeleton! Except the skull. Jesus Christ. I mean, apart from all that, there are four skulls, and four people. Who planted the skulls on sticks if they’re all dead? Their clever ruse allows the four to hop it through the tunnels in the cave and they head back to the TARDIS, a journey they needed guidance for before, but seem somehow to know the way now.

Za however had not been chosen leader for nothing, and he proves his leadership qualities as he sees through the trick and, Benny Hill-like, the cave posse are again after the people from the future. Double speed please, and cue “Yakkity-Yak!” Za realises that the fire can light their way in the darkness, while Barbara, paying for the heinous crime of trying to take charge like a man last episode, has to fall and be helped up by Ian. That’ll teach her! More close-ups of faces as our heroes run, perhaps in an effort to cover the fact that the budget does not stretch to keeping the plants they rented from Billy’s Garden HQ in the High Street, and have had to be returned the previous day. Honestly, in the darkness, and with the close-ups, they could be running anywhere. And probably are.

Anyway they make it back to the TARDIS and fuck off, Ian rather inappropriately propositioning the Doctor as he screams “Come on Doctor! Get us off! Get us off!” The venerable old grandfather ignores him and instead busies himself with the controls of the time machine, and as they vanish everyone, very much including your reviewer, breathes a sigh of relief. Oh, the Doctor admits he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, and the TARDIS could take them anywhere. “Back to cancellation land,” grumps the controller of BBC. “Think we’ll stick with Gardeners World, if it’s all the same to you.”

But then did the Lord Nation speak, and his voice was mighty and terrible, and did he pronounce the arcane words which did save this, um, TV show:

LET THERE BE… DALEKS!

16

Comments: Well that was a whole heap of … something. How many loose ends were left? Why was the sun (Orb) not shining? What had caused it not to be in the sky, or was there like constant cloud cover for some reason? Why had these people forgotten how to make fire? If the Cave of Skulls was a sort of burial ground for their enemies, where were they? Had they killed them all? If not for their enemies, then why smash in their skulls? To make sure they were dead? And how exactly did Za recover so miraculously and completely from being mauled by a possible tiger without any medical attention whatever? And why am I bothering asking these questions? And who cares?

Looked at one way, this whole story could be seen as one of colonial expansionism, the cavemen the “savages” to whom the brave European explorers taught the precepts of “civilisation”, using their superior minds and knowledge. It doesn’t take much to superimpose Australian aborigines or Native Americans or even Africans on this serial. The story in essence was nothing though: did the Doctor invent fire for Man? Was he a latter-day Prometheus? What exactly did he do here, other than bring them all here by accident and then blunder off to some other unknown destination? It’s telling, to me, that he was last on board the TARDIS. I mean, being old, sure, he would have found it hard to keep up, but is the writer (I doubt it) using this as a symbol of his uselessness? Certainly seems like little more than an old annoying man tagging along and getting in the way.

There are also disturbing parallels to the so-called advancement of humanity here, where Ian and the Doctor encourage, basically instigate a stoning, which no doubt will have repercussions further down the line, not least for one disciple of Jesus, as well as a rather irate John Cleese. The logic used in this episode is laughable; I assumed they were going to use the flaming skulls to frighten the cave people - ancestors angry, that kind of thing, but the idea used was beyond stupid, as I already pointed out. So stupid, in fact, that it didn’t even fool a caveman! And how were the band able to find their way back to the TARDIS unaided suddenly? How come none of them were attacked by wild animals? Probably not in the tiger’s contract I guess. Nah, one appearance mate, that’s your lot. Now fuck off back to London Zoo, yeah?

After this had concluded, Wiki says that the show was cancelled - which would be no surprise to me - but I find this hard to believe, as the next one went out the very next week. Not much of a chance to change your mind really, is it? On the basis of this serial, it looks like the show barely survived being axed altogether, but then of course there was the D-word, and from then on everything was rosy.

Kind of.

Diagnosing the Doctor

I would grudgingly admit that in this final episode of the first story the Doctor does actually wake up and do something, though not much; mostly he supports Ian’s efforts (it is he, after all, who successfully makes fire, and so could have, had he wished to, challenge Za for the leadership) but mostly just offers advice. I suppose you can say he learns a little humility, realising that Ian is not just a know-it-all cocky young fella, so there’s that, but overall again he does very little. He can’t even get them out of the Stone Age safely, dragging them to another time and planet entirely. Shit as the idea is , it’s nevertheless Susan who comes up with the idea of the burning skulls, while Barbara is again conspicuous by her absence, apart from the odd scream or plea to let them go. But the Doctor, at the end of this first serial, has completely failed to impress me.

Ah hell, what can I say? Bring on the robotic pepper pots!

17

There was some proper grown up SF on the BBC before this.A for Andromeda and Quatermass and the Pit were two I remember.

18

I don’t know the first but I have seen the second. It’s a good point. But Quatermass was really more aimed at an adult, horror audience. I can’t think of anything offhand the BBC did before the 1970s that was considered proper science fiction and not for kids.

19

That’s debatable. :grinning:
There was Journey Into Space but on the radio.
A for Andromeda has Julie Christie in it. :heart_eyes:

20

Debatable, sure. But looking at Quatermass it’s very definitely more focused on the horror, the dark and dread side of science fiction than the exploring space/robots/aliens thing. If you like, more a sort of dystopian idea. I certainly didn’t equate it, when I saw it, with Star Trek or Blake’s 7. Very dark, very scary for a kid, and very ominous music. Shadows, whispers, dark tunnels, weird sect… not the sort of thing you’d see Captain Kirk in. Not a space babe in sight!