Horrible stuff. Reet, on with the next tale. 
[CENTER][B]113
Funny Names
(and Clever Games!)[/B][/CENTER]
Bel spent the next half hour on the phone trying to get the quickest flight to Dallas. Any seats would do she’d told them, as she was in a great rush.
She bundled Crusty up with his carrier bags and hurriedly packed her cases, then took off for the Airport and once they were seated in first class, Crusty started jabbering excitedly.
“Can we go to Disney World while we’re goin’ to America Bel? I’ve always wanted to go there. I’ve allers wanted’t go to anywhere in America since I dreamed that dream a long time ago about Stephen Spielburger, burra had another dream before that about goin’ to America! D’ya remember me telling ya all about that Bel?”
“I remember owd lad, burram afraid Disney World’s in Florida in the South East of the country and Texas is a long, long way away over in the West across the other side of the country. Sorry owd lad. Another time pr’aps! Now then, while we’re on the subject Crusty, this is an extremely important meeting I’m going to and if I don’t sort this out there’s going to be a lorra people without jobs, an’a might even lose hundreds of thousands of pounds, possibly even millions, as a lor’of me money’s tied up in this business. I hope I can get through to ya how important it is lad, so ya’ve got to promise me that ya’ll be on yer best behaviour. I’ll have to take ya into me board meeting wi’ me 'cos I’m frikkened to bluddy death of lerrin you loose on Dallas by yerself. D’ya promise?”
He looked at her very solemnly, realising that she was in deadly earnest. He knew by the worried look on her face and her tone of voice that this was very important.
“Bel. I will swear to you on my honour as a chimp an’ a pigmy that I’ll be so quiet that ya’ll nor’even know ya’ve got me. I promise I’ll keep me trap shut at all times for once in me life!”
Pie crust promises are meant to be broken!
“Yer nor’a bad lad when yer being serious! Now then, have ya brought yer colouring book with ya only we’ve a long way to go?”
He fumbled about in his hand luggage i.e. his very bestest carrier bag that he got at the charity shop and, grinning triumphantly, took his new colouring book and brand new box of crayons out of it.
“Reet, I’ll get colourin’ in now shall I Bel? Ickle keep me quiet for a bit!”
“That’s a good lad. I want to try to get a bit of sleep so I’ll be fresh when I get there, so try not to ger’up to any mischief. Don’t take yer life jacket out from under’t seat and don’t try an’ open a window if ya starts stinkin’t plane out!”
“Okay Bel!”
She got herself comfy, settled down and closed her eyes to get a little bit of sleep.
“Ya know summat Bel, I could’ve sworn that ya towd me a bit back that yer oil wells were in Arab land. In’t that why ya had’t go there, just before thar’owd Bin Bag person got caught? They thought they’d got Mad Sam Insane as well bur’it weren’t him!”
She groaned silently and turned back to face him.
“Yer reet theer owd lad, well almost reet, an’ it’s Bin Laden. I don’t own an oil well in Arab land, burra do have shares in one. My oil wells are in Dallas. Does that answer yer question?”
“Yis. Ta Bel!”
“Reet lad, let me get some kip now!”
“Okay!”
He sat quietly colouring for a while and then his brain cell whirred into life as it does every now and then.
“Hey Bel! I know where I’ve heard o’ Dallas before. It used to come on’t telly didn’t it wi’ that Stewing family? Miss Jelly and Spam an’ all them! I liked that pretty Swellin’ lady best!”
“Sue Ellen, but yer right, it did lad, that’s right. Did ya used’t watch it?”
“I did that Bel. I used to enjoy it very much. Thar’owd J R were a bad ‘un though an’ he were allers up to monkey tricks just like me!”
Yeh well!
Finally Bel got some sleep. It took them nearly ten hours to get there and, fair play to Crusty, he was as good as gold except for when he went to the toilet a couple of hours later and stank the plane out again and the oxygen masks had to be dropped down from their mountings for the greater comfort of the passengers.
“Sorry about the stink Bel! It’s a pity I cawn’t open a window!”
She looked at him through her mask and mumbled.
“Not to worry owd lad. It can’t be helped. They shouldn’t’ve given us peas with our meals!”
Once they’d landed and had gone through the usual formalities, Bel and Crusty jumped into the waiting limo which took them to Bel’s duplex penthouse apartment on the outskirts of Dallas centre.
“I didn’t know ya had a house in America Bel. How come?”
“It’s not a house owd lad, it’s an apartment. Well I have to come over every now and again to attend me business meetings and things like that, an’ it got to the point where I were spending more money on hotels than soft Mick, so I bought this nice little apartment. D’ya like it owd lad?”
“Who’s soft Mick? Does he work for you o’er here?”
“Don’t be daft. Come on now, wot d’ya think of me apartment?”
“It’s lovely Bel. Have ya still got yer cottage in Cornwall as well?”
“Yes I have lad. Why?”
“Oh, just thowt we might go back again and have a nice meal with that retarded Colonel! He were proper nice he were.”
“Retired Colonel ya daft owd divil!”
“Oh aye, that were it!”
“Now come on lad an’ I’ll show ya yer room. I’ll open’t window so that there’s no build-up from yer socks and yer boots, not to mention yer arse end. We don’t want to go upsetting the neighbours now, do we owd lad?”
“We don’t that Bel!”
They unpacked their things - well Bel did and put them away and Crusty just clod all his stuff in a corner - then went to a local diner for a meal and Crusty was thrilled to pieces. Bel gave him a menu which he read slowly. He’d already tried hamburgers in the past, hot dogs and chilli, but he’d never tried a chilli dog and this is what he decided to have for his second lunch.
He was even more thrilled when he found that it was served on enormous finger rolls!
“Ya know lad, I must admit, I’ve nor’ad a chilli dog for a while so I think I’ll have a few an’ I’ll get three for you!”
“Great Bel!”
Their meal came and Bel helped herself to mounds of salad which were in individual stainless steel bins in the middle of the room. This was free to anyone ordering a meal and they could have as much coffee as they wanted as well for free.
“D’ya want some coffee Crusty?”
“Coffee Bel? I don’t want any coffee! I likes me cup o’ tay, ya knows that!”
“I know lad, only the coffee costs nowt. It’s free with meals! Plus, they can’t make a proper cup o’ tea in America! It tastes worse than yours!”
“Oh well in that case I’ll have a few cups then, ta Bel!”
When they’d finished they went back to the apartment and she made Crusty take a shower again, to which he protested strongly, and told him to put some of his nicest clothes on. When he’d done he came out looking quite reasonable, so Bel went and took her shower, and changed.
“Where are we goin’ now Bel?”
“To me meeting! Now! Are me instructions still burned in yer baldy owd yed about today?”
“Oh yes Bel. I’ve not to show y’up, there’s no farting allowed, no tittering or giggling and I’ve got to sit still and not wave me arms and feet about. Plus, no tekkin’ me shoes off, no burping and I’ve got to keep me trap shut and say nowt! Havva gor’it all right Bel?”
“Perfect! That’s a good lad. Right off we go then now. The car’s waiting for us outside!”
Once again they climbed into the white Lincoln Continental stretch limo and Crusty was reminded once more of the Lean Cuisine stretch limousine that he’d dreamt about all those years before when he was with Stephen Spielburger in his dream.
It was all coming real!
They drove the short distance to the office block which held the offices of Bel’s small independent oil company then they took the lift up to the fortieth floor.
Naturally Crusty did a lot of struggling before she managed to get him into the lift, but because she’d threatened to rip his eyeballs out he calmed down and got in, saying his little ditty about when he’s “frikky”.
[CENTER]There is a thing that you can do
Whenever yer feelin’ frikky
Ya jumps in bed and covers up yer yed
And plays with yer lickle …[/CENTER]
“Belt up!”
They went into the swish offices of Leekey Oil that were beautifully furnished and all the staff turned to smile at her, happy to see her again.
“Crusty, it’s very warm today owd lad. Go an’ hang yer stuff up in’t cloak room!”
“Burram not wearing me cloak today Bel. I’ve got th’owd black jacket on!”
“Yeh well, go an’ hang yer jacket and yer carrier bags up in that little room over there. Ya’ll be much more comfy and we won’t have’t smell yer lucky kipper festerin’ away in yer pocket!”
“Nobody’ll pinch me owd black jacket though will they?”
“I don’t think there’s any danger of thar’owd lad!”
“Okay Bel!”
“Er … hang on! Have ya gor’any sausages in yer turn-ups?”
“Not today Bel. I’ve etten 'em!”
The board room was already full when Bel made her grand entrance and marched straight over to the President’s chair, with Crusty scampering after her.
“Can I please have another chair here at the side of me for Crusty?”
“Of course, Madam President!”
Crusty tugged hard at her sleeve.
“Bel, Bel I didn’t know ya wus a President. Are you President of America Bel!”
“Course I’m not ya daft owd duffer. Now shut up and don’t say another word. Ya promised on yer honour!”
“Oh aye, I’d forgetten. Sorry Bel!”
She turned to the secretary and the directors of the company.
“Good afternoon lady and gentlemen. I hope you are all well. Yes? Good! Let’s get started shall we?”
The secretary then read out the names of those present and it didn’t take Crusty long to forget his instructions.
Madam President: Crustabel Fairy Leekey
Snicker!
Mister Vice-President: Herman T Clenchgripper III
Titter!
Managing Director: Chick P Grumphcracker IV
Chortle!
Vice-Managing Director: Lars Clenchgripper II
Crusty threw his head back, opened his cavernous mouth wide and started laughing his head off in his corner.
“Arse Clenchgripper, that’s a good 'un!”
Bel kicked him in the shins under the table.
“Ouch, thar’urt. Sorry Bel!”
“Lars Clenchgripper, ya deef owd dodo!”
“Yes ma’am? I’m not deef, er deaf, ma’am!” responded the nice young bright eyed up and coming executive, son of Herman T.
“Oh, never mind lad! Let’s carry on.”
Financial Controller: Chip E Dinnerman
Crusty’s eyes had watered up again and he was killing himself trying to laugh silently, but his arms and feet were waving about all over the place.
“Oh that’s another good 'un thar’is! Chippy dinner man!”
Everyone in the room stared at Crusty so Bel stamped on his foot.
“Ouch, thar’urt as weel. Am proper sorry Bel but ya’ve got to admit that these names are dead funny. Are they real born names Bel? I thowt me dad’s name were bluddy daft but these are …”
Slap!
Bel turned to her secretary and nodded.
“Thank you Skee!”
“SKEE? Her last name’s not Slope is it?”
“It’s short for Skeeter! If you don’t be quiet Crusty I’m going to have to batter you in front of all these nice people,” she smiled, showing all her teeth that would rival those of a Canadian beaver.
That sobered him up so he took the grin off his face and shut up.
Bel spoke then.
“Right gentlemen! The order of business is that the Texas Oil Conglomerate is planning a take-over bid for this company right out from under us by devious tactics. We’re an independent oil company, always have been and always will be. For those of you who have never met him, let me introduce you to the TOC’s President - Mister Chuck E Egge II!”
Paaaarp!!
Crusty started tittering again and farting at the same time. Well he couldn’t help it. He was laughing so hard that he was holding tightly onto his stomach then he fell off his chair with a bump.
He started to get up again and balanced his big nose on the large conference table, and put his fingers on either side for leverage. His eyes were still awash.
“Ger’up! Ya favver bluddy owd Chad down theer!”
“By heck Bel! Wiv getten a Chippy Dinner Mon an’ a Chucky Egg, a Grumphcracker and two Clenchgrippers! They sound like names out o’ me Dandy or’t Beano! They’re all second, third and fourth! Have they bin in a race? Who come first?”
Bel stood up and beamed all around the room, huge teeth clenched like a bear trap, but Crusty was still on the floor howling laughing.
“Ladies and gentleman I’ve been forgetting my manners. Let me please introduce you to my friend here. This is Crusty Gravyd Eatwell Nibbleswick, First Farting Prince Pigmy of Mombongo, son of Egglentine Eggremont Mafeking Nibbleswick!”
His eyes flirted all the way round the table and looked at each person in turn.
Sulk!
They all smiled at him, nodding, not seeing anything at all wrong with his name, but Crusty was embarrassed so he got up off the floor and quietened down again.
They all settled down and turned to look at Mr Egge. He was a small fat man with a ruddy complexion, thick black rimmed spectacles and a mass of unruly carrot red hair. He was wearing a light wool suit in a tan, beige and brown loud check, a red and white striped shirt and a huge royal blue tie with yellow spots! Considering he was a multi-millionaire his dress sense was worse than Crusty’s, if that’s possible.
On seeing him initially Bel had almost called out WOT THE BLUDDY HELL HAVE YA GOR’ON CHUCK? but luckily stopped herself just in time for fearing she might sound like Cilla Black.
“Mr Egge! I’d be very grateful if you would extinguish that sh!tty smelling cigar. There’s no smoking in this building!”
The meeting continued a little more subdued without Crusty tittering his head off, but there were a lot of arguments and some shouting across the tables, until right at the very end when Bel was summing up. She’d stood her ground all the way through some tough arguments, but she wouldn’t be shifted. Her oil wells were pumping just fine, her men were good at their work and she intended for it all to stay that way. She knew damn well that if these bloody leaches got a foot in her door, a lot of those good men would be laid off and she wasn’t having any of that.
They all looked at her to find out what her final decision was. She had been given a wonderful opportunity to sell out, and it would have made her more wealthy than she already was, but at what cost? She was as loyal to her workforces as they were to her, in all of her businesses, and she wasn’t for selling any of them out. She could afford not to.
Mr Egge sat there with a satisfied smirk on his face, confident that she couldn’t possibly refuse the offer that had been made.
The room went quiet as she stood up to her full massive height and addressed those assembled.
“It is my decision, and mine alone, that Leekey Oil Business and Banking Independent Enterprise Systems will stay independent!! The TOC is well known for buying out smaller companies, but LOBBIES has always shown the larger companies that it can stand up on its own merits without any help from anyone else!”
“Hear, hear!”
Crusty had been dozing through most of this, but his greedy piggy little eyes flirted open at the mention of food. Had she just mentioned lobbies?
“Lobbies? Leekey Oil, Leekey Plumbing, Leekey Bathrooms and Leekey Haulage. They’re bluddy crackin’ names them Bel an’a could just ayte some lobbies. Am bluddy hungry!”
"So, Mister Egge, not to put too fine a point on it …
“Oink!”
“… we don’t want you, we don’t need you, and we don’t want you to interfere with LOBBIES again. Is that absolutely clear? You may think you’re just dealing with a weak little woman, but I can assure you that you’ve more than met your match with me sir!”
“Wahl okay Miss Leekey ma’am, but ah’ll guarantee yah that yah all’ll be sorry!”
Bel’s face changed and it became thunderous.
Crusty switched his hearing aid off in case her loud voice deafened him even more, but Bel spoke so quietly he had to switch it on again so that he could hear what his Bel had to say to that!
“Are you threatening me Mr Egge? You try anything and I’ll guarantee that you’ll be left with egg on your face! Oh, and don’t bother trying to blow my wells up. I have a rocket launcher that could take your fields out in ten minutes flat! If you want to start an oil war, by God sir I’ll give you a war!”
“Oooh! Feytin’ talk!”
When she’d told Mister Egge that he’d be left with egg on his face Crusty broke up again, but this time everybody else started giggling and tittering so, knowing he was safe, he let rip, bellowing and chuckling away.
“Wahl Miss Leekey ma’am, we’re gonna get this company one way or another. We’ll force ya to sell if we have to, but it’ll be for a coupla million less next time!”
"Really? How interesting! Oh, by the way, how’s your lovely wife these days Chuck? I do hope she’s well! More to the point …
“Oink, snort!”
“… how’s that cute little filing clerk of yours? How old is she? Nineteen, twenty? The one with the blond hair, big chest and gormless face?”
“Why … er … what do you mean … I … er!”
“Well, we wouldn’t want your wife to find out you’ve been sleeping with the office typist, now would we Mr Egge, especially as she’s a minor?”
“Does she work down’t pit Bel?”
Snickering all round.
“I … er … don’t know what you’re talking about Miss Leekey ma’am!”
“Oh really! The age of consent in Texas is twenty one! I’ve had a private detective on you for the last three years. I even know what sort of toilet paper you use to wipe your arse with!”
The meeting broke up then as old Chuck picked up his briefcase and stormed out of the building, red in the face.
Herman T Clenchgripper invited Bel out to dinner that evening, which she refused in deference to Crusty.
“Thanks all the same, but the old lad here is very tired. We have had a very long flight and a long day as well. Next time, perhaps?”
“Sure thing ma’am. Next time you’re over perhaps yuh could leave your friend at home and I could invite you to my home for a meal with the family!”
“That would be lovely Herman, thank you.”
“Yuh sure showed that guy how to do business Miss Leekey ma’am. You were wonderful! Don’t yuh worry none now 'cos I’m gonna keep a real close eye on that guy in future, and I’ll take good care of the business this side of the world for yuh!”
“I know you will Herman and once again, thanks!”
They were about to take their leave, so Crusty collected his coat and carrier bags from the cloak room then went back to collect his Bel who was still busy chatting in the board room.
He walked over to the window and looked out then he went pale and started sweating.
Paaar - rip, blobble, brrrrip!
Bel and her companions turned round and saw Crusty shaking like a leaf.
“Phew! Wor’a stink! Wossup owd lad? Wot’s made ya nervous?”
“Bel, Bel, please help me Bel. We’re an hundred miles up in th’air Bel an’a don’t know how’t get down!”
Then she realised they were forty stories up and had omitted to let Crusty know.
She said goodbye to Herman T and Lars and escorted Crusty out through the doors onto the corridor where she buzzed for the elevator.
“Havva got to gerrin that lift again Bel? I don’t like lifts, ya know that!”
“I know lad, but there’s no other way of gerrin down unless ya wants’t parachute down into’t street!”
“No ta Bel. I’ll gerrin’t lift and close me eyes like I did when we were coming up!”
“It’ll only tek a couple o’ seconds owd lad. Hang on tight to me if ya wants!”
The lift arrived and they got in, Crusty tucking his tongue firmly between his teeth so that it wouldn’t escape and once the doors had closed he relaxed, but only a little.
[CENTER]There is a thing that you can do
Whenever yer feelin’ frikky …[/CENTER]
“Shurrup Crusty!”
The elevator slid silently down to street level and they walked out into the sunshine where the car was still waiting patiently for her.
“Where to now Miss Leekey ma’am?”
“Home please Daniel, home! I need to get some shut-eye!”
“Yes ma’am!”
Crusty was enjoying riding round in the big car.
“Ya know summat Bel, it’s even better than yer Jag this is. Look, si’ thi’ Bel, there’s a telly here an’a lickle cocktail cabinet. Canna have a …”
“No Crusty, no supping yet and stop bouncing about on’t seats. We’ll go to a nice bar later when I’ve had a rest, had a shower and got changed, and we can have a meal and a beer. How does that sound?”
“Bluddy beltin’ Bel! When do we go wom? Am enjoying meself a lot Bel, an’am very sorry I showed y’up in’t Club again. I were heartbroken when ya said ya never wanted to see me again, after all we’ve been through together!”
“Well ne’ mind now. It’s all done and dusted.”
“So when do we have’t go wom then Bel?” he asked sadly.
Her brain was ticking over and then she spoke with a big grin on her face.
“Not yet owd lad. I’ve just saved LOBBIES from a massive takeover bid so I reckon we’re in order to have a little celebration!”
“Wot sort o’ celebration Bel?”
“How about a nice little trip?”
Crusty’s eyes glinted.
“Well, while I’m here I’ll go and buy some new fancy clothes down Rodeo Drive, then we’ll set off for a nice little holiday, and I think ya’ll like worrave gor’in mind.”
“Ta Bel.”
© Mollie M
21.05.03
Ahhh, Crusty almost behaved himself to perfection there. 
Wonder where Bel is going to take him next…Disney World perhaps? 
Nope. Did you like the names of her employees on her board of directors?
Poor Crusty tried his best to be silent, but I don’t blame him for sniggering!
Oh yes, they were very funny 
Had to look twice at Mr Egge, because the way you described him reminded me of a Mr Edge that I used to work with.
I’ve no idea where I came up with those names. Our Bel is a very strong lady indeed against adversary. She doesn’t suffer fools easily, except for Crusty!
Enjoyed reading that Mollie 
Thought it was too good to be true for Crusty to promise to be quiet, impossible I’d say Like how Bel sorted out Mr Egge who ended up with egg on his face I bet they go to Disney World.
Nope, they don’t go to Disney World, as I said to Carmen previously.
[B][CENTER]114
Crusty Goes to Pine Bluff
(and The Natives Get Restless!)[/CENTER][/B]
They were now on their way by Greyhound bus to Texarkana, which borders Texas and Arkansas. As they stretched out on their comfortable seats, they prepared for the long drive ahead and before he could say “am bluddy hungry” she produced packets of sandwiches and fruit slices which she’d had made up at the diner especially for the journey.
Crusty was really excited as he’d never been in such a beautiful coach like this in his whole life with its plush Pullman seats and, joy of joy, there was an air conditioned lavvy at the back, thereby eliminating the need for pee stops along the way. It felt proper funny having a pee while the vehicle was in motion and he had to concentrate hard on keeping his aim straight when the bus bumped over things in the road!
Suddenly, he bent down and started fiddling about in his squelchy little black vinyl boots with his fingers.
“Worra ya doin’ down there lad?”
“Me feet are itchy Bel, an’a daresen’t tek me boots off. Is it a sign tharram goin’ on a strange journey?”
“No lad! They’ll either be itching from nast or ya’ve getten athlete’s fooot!”
“Burram nor’an athlete and ya only gets athlete’s fooot when ya’ve got dry skin on yer feet don’t ya Bel?”
“That’s true. It’ll be nast then!”
Sulk!
He munched away on his beloved butties for approximately fifty miles then the bus pulled in off the road at a motel for refreshments and a leg stretch.
“Are we goin’ for summat t’ayte now Bel?”
“Yer a greedy pot-bellied owd pig yer nowt else Crusty Nibbleswick! Ya’ve bin aytein’ non-stop for’t last hour an’ a half!”
His bottom lip came down.
“Sorry Bel. It’s not tharra don’t appreciate the butties and stuff wot ya gives me, burra do enjoy a bluddy good hanch at the table wi’ all sorts spread out round me, like that buffitt ya took me to in Wrightington that time! It were bluddy good that.”
"Buffet! Yeh well this motel will probably have a buffet so as ya can help yerself. We’ll see when we ger’in!"
They all filed in through the doors and Crusty was first in the queue with his laminated tray.
There was a cold buffet on one side and a lot of people from the bus were milling around it, but Crusty suddenly decided he wanted a hot meal inside him instead. He took off at a tangent and pushed his way to the front of the other queue.
A pretty brown-eyed Latino girl waited for Crusty to order.
“What can I get you sir?”
“Neh then lickle lass! Wor’ave ya getten in’t way of a bit o’ tasteyful jackbit? Wot sort o’ meyt hast getten for me baggin’?”
“Beg pardon sir?”
“Wot’s getten t’ayte? Am bluddy hungry tha’ knows! I could ayte a scabby owd donkey!”
“Que?”
“Eh?”
“Sorry sir, I only speak English and Spanish. Next!”
“Howld up a bit. I only want summat hanch on. Neh then, wot’s a BLT?”
“Oh! Bacon, lettuce and tomato on toast!”
“Reet I’ll ‘ave one o’ them then, but wi’ no lettuce and no tomato!”
“It wouldn’t be a BLT though then sir!”
“Well can ya not just make me a tasteyful bacon butty then?”
“What’s a butty sir?”
“Tha’ dussen’t know wor’a butty is? I cawn’t believe that ya don’t wor’a butty is! Why! Woritis is a …”
Poke!
The queue was getting longer and longer and people were getting more and more impatient.
“It’s a …”
Bel jabbed him in the back again.
“Ger’a move on will ya, ya bluddy owd mogwump!”
“I’ve only asked for a bacon butty bur’er’ll not let me 'ave one! Wot’s a mogwump?”
Bel pushed past him and spoke to the young lady.
“Oh sorry ma’am I see. That’s no problem at all. Would you like some catsup sir?”
“Cat sup? No, I don’t want any milk. I likes a nice cup o’ tay best, bur’if yer coffee’s free I’ll have a cup o’ that!”
“I’ll get you your cawfee sir!”
“Cawfee?”
“Crusty! D’ya want some tomato sauce on yer bacon?”
“Oh that’s a good idea Bel! Why didn’t I think o’ that? I’ll have some tomato sauce please lass. Hast getten any luv? I don’t know why ya didn’t suggest it in’t first place instead of asking me if I wanted owt that cats sup! I don’t know why they let folk tek orders if they cawn’t speyk English!”
Separated by a common language!
The young lady took that as a yes so she squirted a big dollop onto the sandwich and silently hoped it would choke him.
Finally they sat down at a table and the queue moved on. Crusty had taken so much time out of the half hour allotted that the passengers only had twenty minutes left!
“Ya know summat Bel. I never knew ya was an oil magnet!”
“Oil magnate!”
“In’t that’s worra said?”
"Well I wouldn’t exactly say I was an oil magnate owd lad. My company isn’t half as big as some of the other Texan outfits, bur’as long as me wells keep pumping I’m not bothered about expanding, or selling. I’ve enough’t cope with in England with me other businesses so I just ler’em ger’on wi’ it over here!
“But why Bel? They were offering you a grand fortune for yer oil!”
“I know, burrave got bluddy good management and the best oilmen, riggers and drillers I could find, and I’m a hundred percent positive that every last one of 'em is loyal, faithful and honest! They all know wot they’d bluddy well get if they weren’t! Ya should see 'em shift when I make an appearance at one of the fields, plus it’s a bluddy good earner!”
“Well ya can’t ask for more than that Bel. I tell ya wot owd girl, these munchables are bluddy good! Neh then owd lass, weer is it we’re goin’ on this jaunt?”
She gave him her hugest grin hoping to see his eyes light up.
“The Wild and Woolly West!”
Crusty’s forehead creased.
“Me wild and woolly vest Bel? I’ve not gor’a woolly vest on. It’s too warm here!”
"WEST ya pie can WEST! I’m nor’on about ya stinkin’ nasty owd vest!"
“Alreet Bel. Ya don’t have’t shout at me!”
“Well give yer bluddy hearing aid another tap. It must be on’t blink again.”
“Okay! So weer are we goin’ then?”
Tap, tap!
She sighed. It would be too much hard work to explain it to him.
“Ya’ll see when we get there!”
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Twenty four hours later they reached Nashville (yes there’s one in Arkansas as well as Tennessee) where Bel totally delighted Crusty by hiring an old covered wagon, complete with supplies. They were introduced to the weary looking old horse whose head hung so low its nose almost touched the ground. His name was Pegasus.
“Pegasus? He dun’t look as if he can manage to do a lorra flying! Are ya sure he’s fit for a trip like this 'cos he favvers ready for’t bluddy knacker’s yard to me?”
Pegasus was miffed at the very idea!
She was assured that the old boy was fit and able and had a clean bill of health from the “vit’nery” so Bel climbed up taking the reins and Crusty clambered up and sat beside her on the bench seat.
She’d bought Crusty a cowboy hat because he’d wanted one like J R Ewing and her Managing Director, Herman T Clenchgripper, from Dallas, but it was a little on the large side, coming down over his eyes. She’d got some elastic sewn on it to go under his chin so that the wind wouldn’t blow it off.
It was a ten gallon hat but he only had a five gallon head due to shrinkage, and if it hadn’t been for the size of his nose and his cauliflower ear sticking out, it would have dropped right down covering his chin as well. Just like th’owd black jacket, it was lop-sided, on his head. He’d also turned the brim up at the front and, as usual, he looked ridiculous again.
She gee’d the old horse on and it sleepily clip-clopped off slowly until they came to a general store where she bought more food supplies for their journey. Then, heading towards the setting sun, they clip-clopped off again with a purple sky over their heads.
“Am goin’t enjoy this Bel. Wor’ever made ya think of it?”
“Well I’ve done this journey before a long time ago when I came over with Gilbert, me hubby. It was his oil company at the time and we were younger, so we gor’a covered wagon just like we’ve got now and we just kept trotting for a month until we finally got back to where we started!”
“Sounds good to me, but we’ll not be here for a month will we?”
“No lad, a couple or three weeks at the most!”
Then a feeble thought crossed his feeble mind, which took no more than a nanosecond as it didn’t have a great distance to travel.
“Bel, supposing there’s snakes and grizzly bears and Indians?”
She leaned into the back of the wagon and produced a loaded Winchester rifle.
“Don’t worry about them snakes or grizzly bears owd lad. I’ve come prepared!”
“But wor’about Indians then? Ya cawn’t go shooting people!”
“Of course I won’t shoot any people and they’re not Indians. It’s rude to call them that. That’s wot th’owd settlers did in’t th’owden days, bur’it were ignorant as the Red Man was here long before the White Man. It’s the exact same as calling a black man the “N” word, an’a don’t mean Negro! It’s not nice! Ya should call 'em Native American Indians, okay lad?”
“If ya say so Bel. I won’t call ‘em wot th’owd fettlers did in’t th’owden days. Ya knows a lot more about these things than me. So, wor’if we come up against some Wild Natives wi’ bows and arrers Bel. Wockle we do then?”
“Native Americans an’a said OWD SETTLERS nor’OWD FETTLERS ya deef owd fart! Crusty they don’t go round attacking folk wi’ bows and arrers these days. The White Man, in their infinite wisdom, decided to take most of their land off 'em then shoved 'em all on reservations. In any case, I don’t know wot you’re worried about. They’re not likely to scalp you are they? Ya’ve only got eight strands so that wouldn’t be much of a prize would it owd lad? They’re not goin’t go to their mates bragging about your bluddy pelt. If they threaded all eight onto a button it’d favver a bluddy owd spindly spider!”
“Are ya making fun of me again Bel?”
“No lad! By the way wot’s that ya’ve gor’on yer hair? It stinks bluddy rotten.”
“Well I run out of gelatine Bel and I’d nowt to stick it down wi’ so I had a bright idea and put some lard on it instead!”
“Ya bluddy owd dip stick!”
“Wot did they tek their land off ‘em fo’? That weren’t a very nice thing’t do were it Bel? I thowt America was a big place! Is that why they attacked people, to stop 'em nicking all their land?”
“That’s exactly why owd lad. Ya couldn’t blame ‘em really being as they’d been here for hundreds of years living quite happily with their spirit guides, hunting buffalo and goin’ on their spirit quests until the white man went and snatched the only thing they had in the world, their land, plus the fact that they dammed up the rivers as well so they’d no water’t drink!”
“Aw it’s not fair that. Can we not just give it 'em back?”
“Not now lad. If we did that, they’d probably kick all’t white folk out, and probably’t black folk and Hispanics an’ all, so where would they go?”
“That’s a thowt, bur’it shouldn’t matter wot colour people are should it Bel? Burra suppose yer reet! Best just to stay as it is then eh Bel?”
“Aye.”
“Bel?”
“Wot?”
“How many different types of tribes are there of them Wild Natives?”
“Native Americans! Well now, let me see if I can rhyme a few off for ya owd lad. There’s the Mohawk, Mandan, Kikipu, Cree. Then there’s Cheyenne, Cherokee, Shawnee, Crow, Delaware, Comanche. There’s Apache, Sioux, Choktaw, Yute and then there’s one in particular that comes to mind. Black Fooot, like thee!”
“Ta Bel. Are there any more?”
“Yeh, loads of 'em bur’it’d tek me all day to think of ‘em so be satisfied wi’ them!”
“Okay, ta!”
They continued on their journey for a few more miles with only the sound of the clip-clop of the horse breaking the stillness of the prairie.
“Bel?”
“Worisit now owd lad?”
“Well I were wondering. Wot sort o’ meyt does this horse ayte? We’ve not got to share ours with it have we?”
The horse heard him and rolled up his eyes.
Bel chuckled just as she was lighting her old clay pipe.
“No lad. We’ve got some oats and stuff in’t back o’t wagon for him, and it’ll have a munch on some grass on’t way as well!”
“Wot does hay taste like Bel? I cawn’t say as I’ve ever tasted any!”
“Hay? Don’t be daft. Ya wouldn’t like it as it’s a bit on’t dry side, so don’t let me catch you trying t’ayte th’horse’s bluddy dinner. Them oats are not Scots Porridge Oats ya know!”
“Weer’s Dakota Bel?”
“Dakota? It’s a long way from here. Why do you ask owd fettler?”
“Canna sing a song about it then Bel?”
They were in the middle of absolutely nowhere. The countryside was lush and green, a wide clear river ran alongside and there was a huge mountain towering up to the sky in the distance with giant cacti threatening to break through the clouds.
“Er … go on then, but try not to squawk!”
“Ta Bel!”
[B][I][CENTER]Take me back to the Black Hills
The Black Hills of Dakota
To the beautiful Indian country
Thar’a lu - uv
Had a fart in the Black Hills
The Black Hills of Dakota
Where I cry for a pie
And get p!ssed the whole night long
And when I get that lonesome …[/CENTER][/I][/B]
“Belt up! Ya was doin’ reet gradely wi’ yer first verse then ya had to go an’ spoil it by singing a load o’ bluddy rubbish again!”
Squawk!
“Sorry Bel! I only ever learnt that first verse proper off me Doris Day LP! I know Walnut Whip Crack Away though!”
“I’ll give you a crack in’t bluddy walnuts in a minute!”
“Not me crusticles Bel!”
Suddenly his eyes lit up.
“Wot’s this Bel? Weer’amma now?”
The wagon had just turned into what appeared to be a small town which looked as if nothing had changed for over a hundred and fifty years.
"This place is called Pine Bluff Crusty and we’ll be stopping here for a little while to have a look round and get summat t’ayte, okay lad? They ger’a lorra strangers in
town just passing through, so they’re quite a friendly bunch if I remember reet! At least they used be!"
“Bluddy beltin’ Bel!”
There were old weatherboard shops and houses with wooden verandas, a saloon bar called Diamond Lil’s, a blacksmith, livery stables, general stores and an hotel.
They stopped at the stables so the horse could be fed, watered and rested. They got down from the wagon then went straight into a nearby eating house for a nice meal of hash browns, eggs, bacon and other brekkie stuff.
Old Pegasus’ eyes lit up when he saw an old flame at the water trough and he clopped over to her. Her name was Jenny and they hadn’t seen each other for nigh on fifteen years. They shared a bucket of oats and talked over old times.
“Wahl howdy stranger! Sure is good to see yuh agin after all these years!”
“Hello Pegasus, you’re lookin’ real good! What are your latest team like?”
“Wahl I’ll tell yuh old gal! They be two of the craziest old coots I ever did see darlin’. The weight of that wagon sure is testing me to mah limits with those two aboard an’ ah’m gitt’n on a bit now! If I git me a chance I’ll give that crazy old man with the stoopid hat the fright of his life! They think I can only do an old slow clip-clop, but I’ve still got me some spunk left, girl!”
Jenny snickered and whinnied.
Meanwhile back at The Ranch - that was the name of the diner Crusty and Bel had gone into.
“I tell ya wot Bel. They don’t half put big portions on yer plate o’er here don’t they? It’s piled up proper high! Not like that posh place in Hamsterburg that ya took me to!”
“They do that lad burra can’t hear ya complaining, an’ it were Amsterdam.”
Just as they were coming out of the diner, Crusty saw something and immediately whooshed off in the opposite direction leaving a dust cloud behind him, and left Bel rocking in his wake.
“Crusty! Where’ve ya gone? Get back here right now!”
“Hurry up Bel. Am o’er here! Come on, quick!”
Just then she spotted the skid marks he’d made in the dirt road and saw him hunched down behind a barrel with just his nose sticking out from under his big hat. She thundered over to him and grabbed him by the scruff, dragging him up onto his feet.
“Wot the bluddy hell d’ya think yer doin’?”
“Am hiding Bel!”
“Go on then, tell me, worra ya hiding for?”
“Look o’er theer Bel, si’ thi’! Ya wus wrong about them Wild Native personages Bel!”
She looked to where he was pointing with a shaky finger and saw a family of Cherokee that had just been shopping in the general store. Their little boy had a toy bow, and arrows with suckers on the end, and he was practising his aim. Their little girl was clinging on to her mother whinging about something. The little boy’s parents were just giving him an ice cream and the lad gave his bow and arrows to his father to hold for him.
“Gee, thanks maw, thanks paw. This ice cream sure is good!”
Crusty started backing away until his big fat pimply backside came into contact with the front window of another shop. He turned to look where he was, then his eight strands of hair stood on end, his eyes bulged out and he started screaming the place down.
“Aaaargh! Bel, Bel, help me Bel!”
[B][I]Paaaa-rip, brrrrip, squidgle, BLOBBLE!!
“Wot the bluddy hell’s up wi’ ya now?”
“They’ve getten scalps in here, look!”[/I][/B]
“Yer a bluddy numb brained owd fart! It’s a bluddy barber’s shop and them’s wigs, not scalps ya daft owd sod and stop farting!”
“Sorry Bel. Wot wi’ seein’ them Indi … Wild Native people, bows and arrers and then scalps I thought I were goin’t be next in line!”
She rolled up her eyes.
Just then the Cherokee father, who had been watching all this commotion, bent down and whispered something to his young wife who started tittering, then he strode over to the Crusty. He must have been around thirty and was all of six foot four or five, large hooked nose, fleshy lips, long black hair down his back and his muscular arms crossed over his chest-bone.
Then he spoke, unsmiling, to the Crusty in a booming voice.
[SIZE=“3”]“Hairy White Man make heap big noise in Pine Bluff! Silence or I take scalp!”[/SIZE]
Bel started tittering.
Crusty started quaking.
Sniff, sniff!
[SIZE=“3”]“White Man stink like beaver with bad breath! Red Man lamp smelly chimp-man if him speak one more word. Him will end up in jail and will need much wompum to get him out! You leave Pine Bluff by sundown or ya’ll get run outta town!”[/SIZE]
“Sorry mister Indian man sir!”
The big man turned and spoke to Bel whose eyes were awash from tittering silently.
“Is he always this bloody daft lady?”
She nodded and glared at Crusty, who had stuck his thumb in his mouth and was rocking away on his ankles.
“Aye he watches too many owd cowboy films on’t telly. He thinks yer all like them, daft owd ditch rat!”
Deciding he’d rather make friends with this big man, Crusty held up his right hand, palm facing out, like he’d seen them do on the telly, his hand shaking like a leaf.
“Ya’ve getten nice lickle kiddies an’ a pretty lickle squaw. How?”
Bel cringed.
The big man’s piercing black eyes narrowed and he looked down upon the pathetic Crusty and tutted. Then, rolling up his fist, he answered his question.
[SIZE=“3”]“Easy, White Man!”[/SIZE]
Smack!!
Crusty’s knees folded as he dropped to the floor in a daze, and Crustabel was immediately on the case.
“Neh howld up a bit lad! There were no need to lamp him one! He didn’t know not to use the “sq” word. He’s got thar’off’t telly as well. I’ll explain it to him later, but on his behalf I really do apologise for that!”
Crusty got up holding onto his hooter and scuttled behind his Bel.
“That bluddy hurt! Are ya goin’t give him a punch back for me Bel?”
“Course I’m not ya gawpin’ owd gobsh!te! It’s yer own bluddy fault for makin’ a racket again and insulting people!”
“I’ve nor’insulterated anybody Bel, havva?”
“Come and say yer sorry to this nice man and the nice lady and don’t call her wot ya did before. That’s a very, very naughty word!!”
“Sorry, I didn’t know!”
Crusty tip-toed silently from behind Bel until he was standing in front of the man, who was at least twelve inches taller than him.
“Am sorry lad if I insulterated you and yer family. I didn’t mean owt by it.”
The man glared at him again hardly able to contain the laughter welling up inside him.
[SIZE=“3”]“White Man speak with forked tongue!”[/SIZE]
The ignorance of the old cowboy films have an awful lot to answer for.
“No, honest, am proper sorry! I tell ya wot owd lad. I likes that belt ya’ve gor’on. I’ll do yer a swapsy if ya like for summat I’ve getten that’s proper special.”
Bel cringed again.
“What does White Man have that he thinks Red Man will want?”
“Me dad’s owd feather outfit Chief! They’re made out of ostrich fithers and …”
[SIZE=“3”]“I am not tribal Chief!”[/SIZE]
Crusty, thinking he was safe now, started tittering.
"Am’t I brave Bel? D’ya ger’it, brave!"
Bel cringed even more.
“Thy’ll ger’it in a bluddy minute if tha’ doesn’t stop …”
[SIZE=“3”]“What would Running Horse want with White Man’s feathers?”[/SIZE]
Crusty stared up at him in delighted disbelief then his eyes watered up again. He slapped a hairy hand over his mouth and started cackling his head off.
[SIZE=“3”]“Does White Man laugh at Running Horse?”[/SIZE]
By now Crusty was doubled over laughing, his stomach cramping with the pain.
“Crusty wot the bluddy hell d’ya find so funny?”
“Well it’s his name Bel. Don’t you think it’s funny? I’ve heard some bluddy daft names lately, but this one beats the lot!”
Running Horse raised his arm about to punch Crusty again but Bel grabbed it to stop him.
“Hang on a bit. Let’s hear his explanation first! Now come on Crusty. Wot’s so bluddy funny?”
“Well Bel ya’ve got to admit thar’it’s a funny name to be walking round with. Fancy tellin’ everybody that yer name’s Runny Arse!”
Crusty cracked off laughing again, Bel stifled a giggle and the big man smiled broadly.
[SIZE=“3”]“So! White Man not only stink like beaver, but him deaf as totem pole as well!”[/SIZE]
Crusty was beginning to lose the will to live!
“Did I ger’it wrong again Bel?”
“Come on! Let’s go an’ get them wagon wheels a-moving before ya do any more damage!”
“I luvs Wagon Wheels Bel. I’ve nor’ad one o’ them in years! They’re proper tasteyful an’a …”
“Not them Wagon Wheels ya daft sod. I’m not talking about them choccy biscuits. I’m on about our wagon. Let’s get rolling again owd lad. Ya’ve done enough damage here!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Wait!! Before him leave, White Man smoke pipe of peace with Running Horse. Have pow-wow! Make friend, yes!”[/SIZE]
Running Horse turned and winked at Bel. Talk about taking the p!ss!
“Burra cawn’t! My Bel won’t let me have a smook anymore!”
Bel winked back.
“Yes ya can Crusty. It would be rude to turn down his offer of peace. He’ll only clobber ya!”
“Will it nor’ave cannabis in it Bel? Ya know wor’it did when that Dutch lad give me some in Hamsterburg!”
“No lad, an’ it were Amsterdam!”
“Okay then!”
Grinning, Running Horse took an ordinary briar pipe from his back pocket and filled it with some tobacco then, sitting down in the middle of the dusty street cross-legged, lit it.
Crusty followed suit and Bel went to the nearest Ladies’ loo as she was almost disgracing herself laughing.
When she came back Running Horse had just got the old pipe going and Bel joined them on the ground.
Chuff, chuff!
It was handed to Bel.
Chuff, chuff!
It was handed to Crusty.
Chuff, chuff, choke, choke!
He started coughing and spluttering all over the place and his eyes were streaming.
“Wor’ave ya gor’in th’owd pipe Runny Arse? It tastes like am smooking me own bluddy underpants! I don’t have’t have any more do I Bel?”
“No lad!”
The big man then got up and moved away to re-join his family and gestured to his wife by prodding himself in the side of the head, indicating that Crusty was crackers.
“Go in peace White Man. Until we meet again!”
“Reet, taa-rah!”
“Where to next then Bel?”
“Dunno! We’ll just have’t wait and see weer’t wind teks us!”
Brrrrip!
“Not that bluddy wind!”
“Sorry Bel!”
© Mollie M
05.06.03
Another good read Is there anywhere in the world that Crusty can visit without getting himself into trouble?
Loved the bit where the two horses were having a chat.
Nope, he causes chaos everywhere he goes. Just wait till you read what he does in the next chapter! 
Agree with what Carmen said, also loved the conversation between the two horses and also the chat with Running Horse. Wonder what he gets up to next time
He is an enigma, isn’t he, and nobody could ever predict what he’d do next.
Go on. I charge you to predict his next actions!
I daren’t…it could be anytime, anywhere, anyplace
You sound like an advert for Martini!