No problem lass. Smacks are slices of potato battered like a fish. Very good they are as well. 
Cheers. It’s a little theory I thought of a while ago, so implemented this into Crusty’s escapades. 
That was good…is Bel going to try and get to the bottom of these ‘visitors’ all by herself, I wonder. 
Poor Crusty, he’s even more confused now 
Carmen, I have a feeling you haven’t read the last chapter I put on, but the one before.
Methinks you’ve read Chapter 45, but not Chapter 46. :-D:-D
I don’t know why you thought I hadn’t read Chapter 46…I did, honestly Miss! 
Oh right lass, thanks. I shouldn’t really put two on in one night as I confooose meself.
[B][CENTER]47
Crusty Goes to the Seaside
(and Befriends A Little Dog!)[/CENTER][/B]
When she’d left he’d protested unhappily as he was still “frikkened to deeth” but she’d told him she’d be back after she’d done some jobs and had a sleep so he reluctantly let her go, locking all the doors and windows behind her. He still didn’t believe it had been just a dream.
He pottered around for a few hours going from room to room looking in cupboards and drawers to make sure there were no more monsters lurking about. He even checked down the toilet bowl!
As if!
However, he did find something lurking down there. There were no aliens but there were a few monsters, so he flushed them away.
Anyway Bel returned at about three o’clock later that day having had some well-needed kip.
“D’ya fancy a week in Wryl Crusty?” she shouted to him in his kitchen as he was making one of his sh!tty brews.
“Am nor’a bluddy budgie Bel. Why would I fancy a week on Trill?” he called back.
As usual she rolled up her eyes. Heaven preserve us!
“Has that battery in yer hearing aid gone flat again? I said Wryl not Trill!”
“Oh! Sorry Bel,” he said, giving the hearing aid a tap as he came in with the cups. “Yes that sounds like a good idea. Where would we stay Bel?”
“How about a caravan at a holiday camp? D’ya fancy that for a change?”
She took a sip of the tea and pulled her face. It tasted like crap again. How did he do it? She’d made tea using all his things and her tea never tasted like that! On the other hand, perhaps it was best that she didn’t know.
He started to bounce up and down on his chair.
“Oh yes Bel! I’ve never lived in a caravan before like the gypsies. Is it at the seaside?”
“Yes Crusty. This time the place we’re going is at the seaside and there’s a fairground too! Ya like them don’t ya lad?”
Crusty clapped his hands and carried on bouncing about. He hadn’t questioned why she’d made the suggestion in the first place and never offered to pay for anything no matter where they went. He just took everything for granted.
“Where’s Wryl anyway Bel?”
“It’s in North Wales.”
“When do we go Bel?”
He was getting excited again as he always did when she suggested travelling. They were never at home these days so he saved on gas and electric as well, not to mention food as Bel paid for that too when they were on one of their jaunts.
“I’ll make some phone calls tomorrer and see wot’s available. It is June now though so a lot will be booked up burram sure I can find us summat. Leave it to me. If I can’t book one I’ll have’t just go and buy one!”
“Okay Bel, I’ll start packing straight away.”
“Not till ya’ve washed yer scummy things first though, and have ya not had that bath yet? Ya still stinks like an owd tom cat!”
“Not yet Bel. I was tired out so I went to sleep again! Nor’a bath though Bel, a quick shower!”
“Well ger’it done ya gormless bugger. TODAY OKAY!”
He sulked, but nodded his head in agreement.
“Okay Bel. In any case I’ll have’t do a bit o’ shopping for some shorts and stuff!”
“Alright but don’t buy anything that looks daft.”
“Wor’ever ya say Bel. I won’t show y’up I promise!”
“Ya’d best not or ya’ll ger’a clout!” she said, introducing him to both sets of knuckles at the same time.
The next day, Saturday, Crusty went along to his local church hall where a jumble sale was being held. From the large array of rubbish, he selected a few items of clothing that he thought might be appropriate for a holiday by the seaside. He took them straight home and packed them into one of his carrier bags. It didn’t occur to him to wash them first or try them on to make sure they fitted, but that’s our Crusty for you.
Isn’t it nice to have him back to “normal”?
Or is it abnormal? Whatever!
That evening Bel came round again, and they had a night in and chatted about their forthcoming holiday to Wales. She had managed to book them into a large caravan in three weeks’ time and Crusty couldn’t wait.
Oddly enough, he managed to get through that time without incurring Bel’s anger. He actually managed to behave himself for three weeks while he was with her, but of course he got up to all sorts when she was out of sight, but nothing too drastic.
The only major thing he did do was sup a lad’s full pint of mild in the Club. The lad had nipped to the toilet and Crusty got caught out when he came back. He’d tried to guzzle it back quickly but wasn’t quick enough.
Crusty had pretended that he hadn’t realised he’d supped the wrong pint and had professed total innocence, but the lad had shown him his rather over-developed fists and muscles and called him a poxy little weasel so Crusty had delved into his pockets and came out with some coppers that just covered the cost of another pint. Then he slunk off sniggering and tittering into his hands.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
It was eight o’clock on the morning of the twelfth of June when Crustabel picked him up at home to set off for Wales. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining and already it was very warm.
Crusty came scuttling out of the house with his carrier bags and was wearing his usual tatty clothing. He’d packed the Old Blue Jumper just in case it went cold and placed them in the boot space at the back of Bel’s car and they set off. He was so excited that Bel had to stop just ten miles down the road so he could go for a pee behind some bushes. It wouldn’t be the first pee stop she’d be making on this journey either!
“Have ya no relatives in Wales Bel?” he asked strapping himself back into the seatbelt.
“No, oddly enough I don’t,” she said.
“Good!” he said.
“Wot d’ya mean good? Wot’s good about it?”
“Well if ya’ve no relatives there I can’t show y’up in front of 'em, canna?” he said tittering again.
Typical.
“Ya’d best not show me up anyway,” she said grimly, “Otherwise ya’ll cop it again.”
“I know burrall be on me bestest behaviour Bel, I promise. I’ll try anyway.”
“Ya’d better!”
They drove on then in silence for another ten miles or so, both of them just enjoying the lovely scenery which was opening up around them. Bel had decided on taking the old fashioned route and the farmland that surrounded them was very pleasant indeed. The car radio was playing and good old Doris Day was belting out through the speakers. Crusty sang along in his own inimitable style.
[CENTER]Kiss her arse her arse
Wor’ever’s for tea, for tea
The juices are all for me
Kiss her arse her arse[/CENTER]
“Crusty shaddap if you can’t sing the right words to’t songs!”
“Okay!”
She was trying to think ahead as to what he might get up to and was trying to stay one step ahead of him but, in reality, she knew that was impossible because Crusty was so … well … Crusty!
They’d only been on the road for about three quarters of an hour when her reverie was suddenly broken.
“Bel can we stop again?”
“Why wot’s up this time?”
“I want a pee!”
“Another one? Wot’s bin supping?”
Without waiting for a reply she again pulled the car over at an appropriate spot and waited for him and, when he’d done, he got back into the car and strapped himself in again.
“Zip yer pants back up before Mister Floppy falls out again! He’s had enough fresh air for one day!”
Zzzzip!
They continued in silence on their drive. Crustabel was getting pigged off with him already as he was slowing the journey down. Forty miles later he started moaning again.
“Am bluddy hungry Bel!”
“Well there’s a surprise. I’d never’ve guessed. I suppose yer ready for another pee as well,” she said sarcastically.
She carried on driving for a short while longer until she found a natural place to pull in at the side of the road.
“Out you get,” she said to him.
“Why? Wor’ava done now? I only said I were hungry. Are you goin’t leave me here Bel right in the middle of nowhere where there’s no cars or buses so I can’t get meself home again!” he whinged.
“Shurrup ya daft owd fart. We’re having a picnic at the side of the road here.”
“Oh goody,” he said rubbing his hands with glee, the big grin re-appearing on his chops. “I thowt I’d done summat wrong again.”
She went round to the back of the car and took out a little fold up table and two chairs which she set out on the grass verge. Had she been alone she would have covered the table with one of her lovely damask tablecloths but the plastic would have to do for Crusty. He’d only slop his tea all over it anyway.
She produced a small banquet of pies, butties, fresh cream cakes and a large flask of tea from a wicker basket.
They sat there in the mid morning sunshine with their mugs of tea and scran. Crusty could always rely on Bel to put on good grub during their travels, and this was no exception. It was a veritable feast!
She watched him eat. At least now she knew that this was the real Crusty. The original! He was eating normal food again with meat in it. Actually he never ate his food as such - he just grumphed liked a pig and gobbled it down. He was the only one of his kind for now, but of course he did have one son and two grandchildren! Only time would tell but so far his son appeared to be relatively normal from what little she’d seen of him, so maybe it would skip a couple of generations in the family.
Wor’a bluddy shame! She felt for those yet to come.
He was stuffing his face and his cheeks were blown full out with the food that packed them. He just looked like Marlon Brando’s portrayal of The Godfather like he had two gobstoppers in his cheeks, the greedy owd bugger!
An hour later they were on their way again having gorged themselves on the food. There was nothing to stay for as they’d eaten everything that was in the basket, so made haste in the attempt to get to their caravan for lunch.
Bel had made Crusty go for another pee before setting off again even though he’d protested that he didn’t want one.
“One more waft in the breeze! Ler’im 'ave just one more look at the nice moo cows!” she tittered at him.
She made him go anyway as she told him she wasn’t going to stop again. It was twenty past eleven when they pulled up at Robin Hood Camp! Including the picnic and pee stops it had taken them almost four hours to get there and, in reality, Wryl was only about an hour and a half away from Wigan, tops!
Just in time for lunch!
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
“Where’s the sea Bel, I cawn’t see’t sea now! I could see it before!” He was whingeing again.
“Now don’t bluddy start. It’s only a little walk away. Yer always complaining about summat!”
“Burra thowt we’d have a sea view!”
“Don’t be so daft. Now shurrup, ger’out o’t car and into the caravan. Go on wi’ ya! Get gone!”
Crusty got out and waited patiently for Bel to join him.
“This is it Crusty. Wot d’ya think?”
“It’s a big 'un Bel. It looks very beautiful.”
She unlocked the caravan door and stepped through. The caravan groaned under her weight, but it had stabilisers on it so it was safe. Crusty followed her in and started dashing about opening cupboards, drawers and doors to see what was behind them. He found the toilet first. He needed a pee again.
“I’ve never known anyone to pee as much as you do,” she shouted to him. “Wash them scummy hands o’ thine while tha’ theer!” she commanded.
“Okay Bel,” came the muffled reply.
He came out grinning.
“Wot’s thy bluddy grinning at again?”
“There’s no soap in there Bel an’a forgot to pack me new block o’ Lyril!” he replied with a titter into his hands.
“Don’t you worry about it petal. I’ve brought soap, towels, toothpaste, and brushes 'cos I knew you wouldn’t.”
“Oh!” he said sulking again.
“When do we go down to’t sands Bel? I’ve brought me bucket and spade so I can make me sand pies!”
“Givvus a minute can’t ya! I’ve nor’unpacked me things yet and neither have you. Ger’it done. Ya can sleep in that area over there and I’ll be at the back here, so get yer stuff into the cupboards!”
She finished first so went to make sure he was putting his things away properly.
“Reet Crusty owd fettler. While yer finishing off I’m nipping to’t shops to get fresh milk and stuff for cups o’ tea and brekkies. Okay? Don’t you go scampering off anywhere while I’m gone! You sit outside nicely in the sunshine until I come back. Okay?”
“Okay Bel!”
She was gone twenty minutes and when she came back she found that Crusty had got out one of the folding seats they’d used at the picnic earlier. He was facing the sun with his back to her, so she called to him to let him know she’d returned. He stood up and turned to face her. He’d changed his clothes and was now wearing some of the garments he’d bought at the jumble sale.
As usual, he favvered weel.
He’d really gone overboard this time and her eyes popped out on stalks on seeing him. He had a pair of big round earrings dangling from his lugs, a pair of black and white check trousers which were neatly tucked into a pair of wellies. He had on the OBJ even though it was about seventy degrees, a pair of bright pink braces over the top and a red and white spotted handkerchief around his neck.
“Wot the bluddy hell! Wot’s come as at all? Coco the bluddy clown?”
“It’s me gypsy outfit Bel.”
She took a deep breath hardly daring to ask.
“Go on! Enlighten me. Pray tell! Why would you be wearing a gypsy outfit at Robin Hood Camp in the middle of North Wales on a hot summer afternoon?”
“Well we’re staying in a caravan Bel and gypsies live in caravans.”
“Tha’ reet theer owd lad. But tha’ nor’a bluddy gypsy. Thar’a pigmy - remember? Ger’em’off now!”
“Aw Bel!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Now!”[/SIZE]
He disappeared back into the caravan and she was very grateful that he didn’t have a black curly wig plonked on top of his stupid head. She could hear a lot of bumping and mumbling coming from within and ten minutes later he re-appeared.
This time he was wearing a pair of white cotton shorts with big purple teardrop spots which came down to his knees and stuck out at the sides which were at least three sizes too big, a red and white broad striped tee shirt that had seen better days on a rugby pitch at Central Park and a pair of lime green plastic open sandals.
He favvered a right dipstick!
“Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?”
“It’s me holiday clothes Bel. Wot’s wrong this time?”
[SIZE=“3”]“Ger’em’off!”[/SIZE]
“No Bel, don’t make me Bel, I like these Bel!” and with that he pelted off leaving her standing there with shopping bags in hand.
“I’ll bluddy kill ya if ya doesn’t come back here now!” she screamed after him.
The other holidaymakers nearby stood and watched the commotion. Crusty was whizzing round and round with his head down like a bullet darting between caravans and almost knocking kids over in his rush to escape.
He stampeded over the tail of a little Jack Russell that had been quietly having a nod in the sunshine who then leapt up and started barking. It chased after him snapping at his arse end but not quite able to leap high enough to do any serious damage.
He hadn’t been watching where he was going and within sixty seconds he’d gone full circle and had come back on himself to the exact spot where he’d left Crustabel and who was now towering before him, arms folded and blocking his path. He came to a screeching halt. The dog ran into the back of him and bashed its nose on Crusty’s leg. It yelped and took off.
She picked him up by the throat, skinny little legs dangling two inches from the ground, and threw him back into the caravan.
[SIZE=“3”]“Ger’em’off!” [/SIZE]she said again, [SIZE=“3”]“And put summat proper on!”[/SIZE]
“But Bel,” he wailed.
[SIZE=“3”]“But nowt. Ger’em’off or I’ll not take ya down to’t sands!”[/SIZE]
“It’s been a long while since a female woman told me to get me clobber off Bel!” he said snickering and tittering.
“Well that’s no surprise ya smelly owd bag o’ sh!t. Ger’em’off. Now!”
That took the grin off his face.
He did as he was told and came out again wearing something a little more subdued. He was wearing his kite-like Stanley Matthews shorts that he’d worn at the health farm and a creased tee shirt and was carrying his bucket and spade!
She inspected him, walked all the way around him and telling him that he’d have to do they went for a walk to find their bearings which, for them, meant finding the nearest cafe.
Once they were sure of their way they went to the beach where they spent the remainder of the afternoon. Bel went for a swim and left Crusty having fun making sand pies, into which he crimped a crust shape at the edges and two slits on the top just like a real pie and he’d made a sand castle as well.
After Bel had had a good swim she came out dripping wet through. It was an awesome sight to see a nineteen stone woman in a red and white polka dot bathing costume. She was gargantuan! It was then that she saw what Crusty was doing. He’d been playing happily in the sand making his sand pies as I’ve said and he was crimping the edges very precisely.
Using his false teeth!
She stood over him creating a total eclipse. He thought the sun had gone in so he looked up only to find Bel glowering at him with her arms folded across her chest, and a snarl on her face.
“Wossup now Bel? Wor’ava done this time?”
She kicked his sand pies and sand castle over with a smirk and made him put his teeth back in.
“But Bel! They’re covered in sand!”
“Well ya like sandwiches don’t ya? Ger’em in!”
He pushed the teeth back into his mouth and started spitting sand everywhere. His eyes had welled up with tears because she’d kicked his magnificent structures over and sulked for the rest of the afternoon. Later, they went to the cafe they’d found for an evening meal and then, tired out, back to the caravan for several glasses of wine and then bed.
Their first day hadn’t gone too badly but, as they were there for a week, Bel had to remain on her guard.
She fell asleep wondering what the next few days would bring.
© Mollie M
08.01.02
Nice to learn where Crustie comes from and that he is indeed very special. It was funny seeing him being very polite and spending money etc.
Nice to see them on holiday in Wryl (is it really only 1 1/2 hours from Wigan? but naughty Bel for knocking over Crusty’s sandcastle, he should have made her wash his false teeth as punishment :-D:-D
I thought for a minute that Crusty was actually going to prise open his wallet to buy some holiday clothes…but no…he went to the jumble sale
Also loved his rendition of Doris Day’s song 
Yes, about 1½ hours from Wigan, about the same distance as it is to Cumbria.
Bel is a nowty bugger though, isn’t she!
Well, he did pay for his clothes from the jumble sale, but he spent as little as possible.
There are still plenty more songs in Crusty! 
Well well, the missing link, they got a right specimen in ‘The Crusty’, plenty of work there for them:lol:. Now he’s in North Wales acting the maggot, does he pop across the Irish sea Mollie?, on second thoughts don’t answer that, we got enough problems:lol:.
No, he doesn’t, Jem, but another of his old roguish Irish buddies catches up with him soon and that’s when you’ll have to forgive my attempt at the dialect.
[B][CENTER]48
Crusty Enters a Talent Competition
(and Wins Some Fire Water!)[/CENTER][/B]
They were awoken early next morning with an annoyingly happy female voice shrieking and giggling over the tannoy system shouting “Morning Campers” or “Hi-de-Hi” or some other nauseating bile.
It’s not bloody normal for anybody to be so bright eyed and bushy tailed, not to mention cheerful, so early when every other bugger in the kingdom was suffering from a hangover!
She began to announce that breakfast was now being served in the main dining hall for those who didn’t wish to cook for themselves and which would go on till at least nine thirty, and then she launched into the activities for the week provided by the camp itself.
Yuk!
Lovely Legs Competition, Knobbly Knees Competition, Talent Competition and so it went on.
“It’s funny they don’t have a Hairy Arse Competition as well!” thought Bel wryly, turning over in bed. “Crusty would be bound to win that one!”
She had a little giggle then tried to settle back down.
She hadn’t reckoned on this sort of intrusion, never having been to a holiday camp before. She’d only chosen this sort of place because she thought Crusty would enjoy it. It was more his kind of thing. Also, it was cheaper than most of the holidays she’d taken him on as many activities and entertainments were already provided.
From the other room, after hearing the announcements, Crusty bounded out of bed with glee and banged on her side of the caravan.
“Come on Bel. It’s tomorrer morning now and there’s loads to do, but brekkie first!”
He’d been listening carefully in bed to what was being said over the tannoy with the blankets pulled up to his big nose and was now ready for action.
“Bel! Bel, there’s an aero bics class Bel. D’ya fancy going to aero bics Bel?” he shouted through.
[SIZE=“3”]“Bog off!”[/SIZE]
“Wot’s aero bics anyway, Bel?” he called still knocking on her door.
Safe in the knowledge that he wouldn’t venture out without her on their first day she turned over again and closed her eyes.
“You go if ya want but leave me alone. I need at least another half an hour. It’s only seven o’clock so stop bluddy knocking or I’ll knock thee.”
“Please Bel please,” he ran-tanned on her door in his eagerness, “Come to aero bics Bel. I dunno wot they are bur’it might be another name for choccy biscuits! Aeros and bickies! Bel! Bel?”
That was Crusty logic by word association. Bel rolled up her eyes in annoyance again. He was dancing about from leg to leg on the other side of the partition by now getting impatient. She hadn’t heard him get dressed as he’d slept in the clothes he’d chosen for the next day so he was ready for the off!
[SIZE=“3”]“Don’t be so bluddy daft. It’s aer-o-bics not aero bics and it’s exercising ya daft looking bugger! Now BOG OFF will ya?”[/SIZE]
Then there was silence from the other side of the wall.
“Aero bics is exercising?” he muttered to himself then shrugged his shoulders.
Bel didn’t hear from him again but heard the caravan door open and close with a thud. She hadn’t heard him use the bathroom except to use the lav!
She groaned.
“Where the bluddy hell has he gone now?”
It was no use. She’d have to get up if only to trail him and make sure he kept out of trouble. She showered and got dressed in a nice summery frock and set off in the direction where the outdoor aerobics class was to take place and that was where she found him. By the time she got there they were already in full swing.
Oh Lord!
There was a group of people flinging their arms and legs in all sorts of directions, doing bendy things with their waists and running on the spot. All of them were under forty, all of them were reasonably slim, all of them suitably attired!
Except for Crusty.
There he was as she’d expected, trying to follow what everybody else was doing as best he could. The only difference was that he had a purple face, his tongue was dangling out and gallons of sweat pumping out of him.
The little dog from yesterday had remembered him and had followed him to the class. It was again yapping at his arse end but was just wearing itself out trying to leap up and bite him.
He had on the cotton shorts with the big purple teardrop spots again with his bally hanging over the elastic waist band, his lime green sandals and a string vest - a knotted handkerchief covered his bald spot!
When the little dog spotted Bel, it raised its hackles and growled at her. She stared and growled back. The little dog yelped and took off into the distance.
She stood and watched Crusty for a moment. No, that’s not strictly true. She stood and watched his belly bouncing up and down for a moment. He favvered a bloody elephant seal in labour.
They all stopped bouncing just then to take a breath so Bel took the opportunity of striding over to him, grabbing his cauliflower ear and dragging him off. He was panting for breath.
[SIZE=“3”]“Wot the bluddy hell d’ya think yer doing, ya daft owd sod? Yer goin’t give yerself a heart attack!”[/SIZE] she shouted.
She dragged him over to the instructor who backed away on seeing her awesome figure, fear in his eyes.
[SIZE=“3”]“And wot dust think thy’re up to lerrin an owd fart like this participate in summat so exerting? Just think on in future and watch out for daft owd buggers like this or tha’ll have a lawsuit on thi’ hands!”[/SIZE]
“Sorry missus!” came the quivering reply.
She marched Crusty into the dining hall where quite a lot of seats were still vacant being so early and sat him down while he got his breath back. His eyes were still bulging from the unfamiliar exertion. She threw him into a chair to cool off then joined the queue and for herself ordered the usual full English.
For Crusty she got some dry toast with marmalade, muesli and semi-skimmed milk and some strawberry yoghurt. She plonked the plates down on the table and he stared at it in disbelief.
“Wot’s this Bel? I wanted the same as you. Eggs, bacon, mushrooms an’ everything!”
“Oh sorry Crusty I hadn’t realised. I thought ya wanted to keep fit, wot with yer aerobics an’ all. I thought ya’d decided ya wanted to lose weight and exercise and eat properly. Was I wrong in thinking that?”
“You were Bel. I cawn’t eat this soft lad’s food!”
“Ger’it etten and then, if yer still hungry, ya can have some proper snap!”
“Burra cawn’t ayte it Bel. That measly stuff gets stuck in me teeth!”
“It’s muesli, not measly. Oh alright then, go an’ get wor’ever ya want!”
Grinning once more he leapt up and dashed into the middle of the queue with a large tray onto which was placed another English breakfast - The Full Monty! He sat slopping and slurping and plopping and burping to his little heart’s content.
After they’d finished they went for a walk around the camp. There were constant interruptions from the tannoy speakers, telling them what to do and when to do it. Crustabel was getting a little pigged off with it all. She hadn’t expected this. She’d seen old sitcoms on telly about holiday camps but didn’t think it was all true to life. Nobody told her how and when to enjoy herself.
They sat down on some deck chairs in a garden area where there was somebody playing lively popular tunes on an organ. Many people were singing along to the traditional tunes like “I do like to be beside the seaside” and Crusty joined in too.
They were enjoying the sunshine and singing and when the next song ended the organist spoke into his microphone. He announced that tomorrow night there was to be a talent contest in the main concert hall and anybody could take part if they could dress up in fancy dress of some sort and do something talented like singing, juggling, ventriloquism - anything. It was a talent contest for best entertainer.
“I want to enter the talent contest Bel!” exclaimed Crusty, patting his belly and full of enthusiasm again.
"Thee? Why? You have no talent. Wot’s thy getten a talent for except gerrin into bother, fartin’ and moidering folk?
“Singing Bel!” he said and ducked from the punch he expected, then started quaking.
Her whole body went rigid. Oh no not again. Then she looked at him and remembered that he was the only one of his kind. He was special after all. Oh what the hell!
“Well Crusty wot would ya wear for fancy dress?”
Crusty tapped the end of his big nose with his finger and chuckled, wondering why she hadn’t lamped him one.
“You leave that to me Bel. I have the very thing!”
Oh my gawd! Now what?
This time he wouldn’t take her by surprise. She promised herself that she’d be ready for absolutely anything!!
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
The next day Crustabel suggested to Crusty that she help him out with his fancy dress for that evening.
“No Bel, no. It’s alright. I packed a few things which I thought might come in useful for something or other and I have just the right thing. I knew they had competitions at holiday camps! Now yer not to see me until I’m up on the stage doing me act. Promise Bel?”
“I know I’m going to regret this but okay. I’ll let ya have yer own way for once!”
“Great Bel, thanks Bel. I’ll make ya proud of me this time I promise! Give ya a real giggle!”
And may the Lord have mercy on our souls!!
“Don’t promise me anything 'cos you always show me up burrall not paste ya this time no matter wot ya do!”
Crusty went quiet.
“Why not?” he asked, suspicious of her
“Well it’s only for this once just to see how daft you really can get!”
“Oh thanks Bel,” he said, his grin returning.
At that point he made her go out alone while he got his costume ready for the evening so, thankfully, she strode off to enjoy some blessed peace and quiet. She gave him three hours and then returned to the caravan to find he’d done one of his disappearing acts again.
“He must be eating somewhere,” she said to herself, and went off again in search of the ever elusive Crusty.
She was right. She found him in the dining hall with a pot of tea and a late chippy lunch which he’d evidently paid for himself. He’d been bloody hungry and hadn’t been able to find Bel to pay for him.
She plonked herself down in front of him while he finished his meal.
“Have ya got yerself sorted out for tonight then Crusty?”
“Oh yes Bel. I’m sure yer going to enjoy it. Ickle be a real treat, ya’ll see. I’ve got me costume and me song ready and I’ve spoken to the organist. He says he knows how to play me song Bel! Isn’t that good?”
“Fantastic!” she said with sarcasm which Crusty missed, “Worisit?”
“Am not telling ya Bel. Ya’ll just have’t wait and see!”
He was like a cat on hot bricks for the rest of the day. The excitement was building up inside of him and she tried to keep him calm by taking him round the fairground to watch the big wheel but it only made him feel sick watching it go round and round and round and …
He was so nervous and messed up inside that he couldn’t even eat a proper tea! He’d never been this nervous before and Bel wondered exactly what he’d dreamt up this time to get himself into such a state. Anyway, time would tell and she promised herself that she wouldn’t get angry with him. Not this time.
Much later he again sent Crustabel off alone, this time to the main concert hall where he was to appear on stage so after she’d showered and changed she left him to it. He gave her fifteen minutes and then he retrieved his costume from the cupboard where he’d hidden it and trundled off to the concert hall also where he entered back stage and went into one of the large dressing areas to put on his outfit. There were all sorts of costumes there, but Crusty’s was by far the most colourful! Some of the contestants had had some help from the camp staff from their costume stores but Crusty had brought his own!
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
The time finally came and the announcer introduced all the contestants on stage one by one by name and where they’d come from. There were all sorts of acts such as juggling, singing, ukulele playing by an old lady doing a George Formby number, etc. Six acts had appeared and Crusty still hadn’t been announced.
During the evening’s entertainment an old woman called Jinny with a peg leg from Bolton sang “My Heart Will Go On” from Titanic whilst playing an out of tune violin. Crustabel had always thought that Crusty had the most awful voice she’d ever heard until she heard this. It was terrible. She was dressed as an Edwardian lady in a long frock that covered her gammy leg. Celine Dion she was not! She favvered Red Rum round t’gob, her false teeth were huge and she looked all gums!
Bel wondered what Crusty and Jinny would sound like as a duo!! Hmmm!
Also, there was a man from Leigh called Jed who was a good Elvis look-alike and sung one of his songs. Real slick he was but he was also brilliant compared to the other contestants who had been a load of rubbish thus far.
Jed had got the biggest round of applause up to now but Crusty still hadn’t been announced yet. Bel was beginning to wonder if they’d disqualified him before he started but it turned out that he was next and last on the stage.
The curtains closed on Jed to much applause and Crusty took his place mid-stage behind the closed curtains and waited for his music to start.
The compere, who was also a Wiganner, then announced the last act.
“And finally ladies and gentlemen our last act of the evening is Mr Crusty Nibbleswick from my home town, Wigan. His costume is rather special which he brought along with him so we left him till last and he’s going to sing a re-worked version of an old Guy Mitchell song. Ya’ll all know it. Let’s have a big round of applause for Crusty. Yehhhhhhhhhhh!”
As far as Crusty was concerned he hadn’t changed one word of the popular old song.
Crustabel covered her face with her hands and peaked through her fingers at the stage. She couldn’t bear to look as she just knew that he was going to show her up once more.
The drummer signalled to the organist and guitarist and a memorable old fifties tune started up.
The curtains swished back to reveal the Crusty standing there with a mike in one hand and a spear with a loaf of Kingsmill stuck on the top in his other hand!
A massive roar of laughter came from the audience when they saw him. Crusty was laughing his head off too grinning and waving at Bel sitting at the front who, for the moment pretended she didn’t know him, but she was laughing too now.
For his costume he was wearing his dad’s old tribal outfit which consisted of mainly red, and just a bit of white, ostrich plumage. It was a bit moth etten as it was around sixty years old but it had been kept in pretty good condition, thanks to Crusty! There was a head-dress and a calf-length skirt which made up the colourful feather outfit and Crusty was in his element. He favvered a ready-for-plucking butterball! Also, he wore a large pair of Bel’s earrings made from sea shells that dangled from his ears almost down to his shoulders and he’d painted the parts of his body that showed with gravy browning to give it a more tanned look! There was a cardboard cut-out of a fish dangling from his waist and what looked like a rissole on a piece of string round his neck. He also wore two halves of coconuts on his hairy chest!! Finally he wore his smelly owd black vinyl boots which drew the sweat out of his feet like a plug-hole sucker and, lacking socks, he squelched about on the stage in time to the music!
It was hard to understand the significance of the fish, rissole and coconuts but all would be revealed shortly. For now Crusty was just enjoying the attention and the music and had no intentions of starting straight away. He was going to milk this for all it was worth.
Didn’t he always?
The music introduction went on for a while with Crusty dancing up and down the stage with his spear, until the audience settled themselves back to listen, everyone still chuckling and tittering. He started squelching about from foot to foot again which everyone could hear then turned to the organist to show he was ready to “sing”. Crustabel held her breath as Crusty began his rendition of Guy Mitchell’s popular song of the fifties and started jiggling.
[B][I][CENTER]I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I lives on just coconuts and fish from the sea
A rissole in me hair
Some cream on me pie
A loaf and some heart for me
I works at a little caff
Respectable position
I eats me tea from one till three
I’ve a happy disposition
I loves to stuff me gob
Of that I’d like to tell
Bur’I’m the son of an Englishmon
And me girlfriend’s name is Bel
I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I eats almost anything for brekkie and for tea
A butty or a barm
A nice meyt pie
And a loaf and some heart for me
I goes to the Club each week
Just for a game o’ bingo
I takes me snap
Wrapped in a pack
I loves to eat by jingo
I loves a nice pork pie
Some butties and some cakes
A cup o’ tea and then a pee
To keep me wide awake
Oh I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I wears red feathers and eats lots o’ roasted skirt
I lives on just coconuts and fish from the sea
A rissole in me hair
Some cream in me pie
A loaf … and some heart …
FOR MEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEE!![/CENTER][/I][/B]
While he’d been singing his hairy bally had been bobbing up and down like a belly dancer’s and his singing and actions had kept perfect time. No one else knew, but the actions were in actual fact the family tribal dance that he’d remembered from so long ago. His spear had been raised up and down in time with the music too!
He was so pleased with himself that he’d remembered it after all this time.
The band that had played for Crusty had had a hard job playing as they were laughing so much that their sides were aching, as was the audience. As was Crustabel!
This was his best party piece ever and even Bel was proud of him. She really was!
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
That was the end of the competition and all the contestants lined up on stage awaiting their results, Crusty grinning and winking at the audience. After about ten minutes the vote was cast and the compere again joined the contestants on stage.
“This has been one of the most enjoyable evenings of my career and we do have a winner. I am very pleased to announce them in reverse order but first I’d like to thank everyone who took part for giving us their utmost. Mick the Scouser, Jinny from (little giggle) Bowton who sang the song from Titanic (little giggle). Jed, our Mister Smoothie from Leigh, or Leyth as we call it, and all the others.”
He made them wait a little bit longer prolonging the agony.
“Right ladies and gentlemen. In third place we have Mick the one-armed Scouser who dressed as a pirate and sang “The Green Green Grass of Home” whilst juggling with his three ferrets, Winky, Weeny and Willy. Come on, a big round of applause for Mick.”
Mick beamed and received his prize. A big plastic medal which was placed round his neck on a red ribbon! He winked at the applauding audience and made his exit.
“Right now folks in second place, and I think you’ll all agree is Jed, our lobby gobbler from Leigh who dressed as Elvis and sang “Heartbreak Hotel”. Good lad Jed!”
Huge applause for Jed who, with hands held in a clamp like a prize boxer, accepted his prize of a bottle of cheap wine.
The remaining contestants were now fidgeting wondering who had won first prize.
“Right ladies and gents. Now for the first prize …”
Just then chanting began in the audience like they do on the Jelly Springroll Show.
“Crus-ty, Crus-ty, Crus-ty, Crus-ty, Crus-ty, Crus-ty…”
Crusty started grinning and spinning and waved both hairy arms at the masses.
“Alright, alright ladies and gentlemen please! Our judges were undecided about voting tonight for the second and third places but there is just one person, just one entertainer that would have been a hard act to follow. Our winner tonight is a star. For best outfit, best re-wording of a song and best dance routine please put your hands together for th’owd pie ayter himself, CRUSTY yeh! Come on owd fettler and claim yer prize!”
Crusty whooshed up to the compere who had his prize waiting for him and on doing so the crowd began to applaud. Crusty started shimmying about making his feathers rustle and his feet squelch again and the crowd roared once more.
Crustabel was the first to stand up clapping and the rest followed her with a standing ovation. Crusty was over the moon. Nobody had ever enjoyed him so much in his entire life and a few large bobbers appeared at his eye and ran down his face making a mess of his “make up” gravy browning.
He’d promised her she’d be proud of him and she was for once.
The ovation went on for a full five minutes and during this time Crusty cried, waved and curtseyed forcing the feathers of his skirt to part showing his skinny little legs with the vinyl boots stuck on the end.
When the clapping subsided the announcer gave Crusty the mike to say a few words to the people who had voted for him, and the people who had applauded him. All the emotion that had been building up now came flooding out and all he could manage was a muffled “Ta very much, ta very much” then he started sobbing and called out for his Crustabel.
“Bel, Bel, help me Bel!” he wailed down the mike.
The big build up had now been and gone and Crusty’s legs had turned to jelly. He was standing there quaking and he was wondering if Bel would indeed paste him for what he’d just done. She’d said she wouldn’t but he still couldn’t be really sure.
As she got out of her seat and joined him on stage Crusty cringed thinking he was going to get a wanger. Instead, she put an arm around his shoulders, gave him a big squeeze and a kiss on the cheek then tried to snatch his prize off him.
It was a bottle of whisky!
They hadn’t realised but the microphone, now in its stand, was still switched on and the crowd could hear everything they said.
“Givvit here!”
“Ger’off me prize Bel, it’s mine! I earned it not you!” he said trying to shove it down his skirt.
“Tha’ nor’avin’ this to thi’sell. Tha’ll only sup it!”
“That’s wor’it’s for Bel, for supping!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Givvit here or I’ll lamp thi’ one wi’ it!”[/SIZE]
She swung a punch at him and he ducked so she chased him round the stage and grabbed him in a half nelson and batted him round the back of the head till his eyes watered then she started throttling him till his feather head-dress fell off.
They were doing their Punch and Judy act right up there on the stage in front of everyone and they all went into bulk laughing and clapping. They thought Bel and Crusty were putting on an act for them.
[SIZE=“3”]“Ya promised faithfully ya wouldn’t paste me for singing again!”[/SIZE] yelled Crusty escaping her grasp.
[SIZE=“3”]“I’ve not pasted ya ya daft owd fart bur’all lamp ya one if ya don’t gimme that bottle!”[/SIZE] she yelled back still chasing him and trying to leg him up.
The crowd were killing themselves laughing by now.
He finally released the bottle into her grasp and at that moment they both realised that the audience were roaring laughing and clapping at their antics. Bel blushed and grinned at the audience and motioned for Crusty to do the same. Then they both bowed and left the stage, Crusty squelching along after Bel, with the audience shouting “more, more”.
What an evening that had been.
She got him back to the caravan and made him take a shower to get the gravy browning off and especially to clean his feet.
He moaned and sulked all the while, but he did as he was bid and when he came out all nice and clean and fresh, Bel poured them each a glass of Crusty’s prize which put a grin on his face.
“Thanks Bel. Did ya enjoy me show?”
“I did Crusty, I did indeed. Cheers!” They clinked glasses and settled down for the night.
© Mollie M
11.01.02
I just knew that he would end up with a knotted hanky on his head :-D:-D
Well done to Crusty for winning the competition!! His outfit sounds lovely…in a Crusty kind of way :-D:-D
Looking forward to more of his holiday adventures…I’m sure there are more ??
Sadly Marian, there are more holiday adventures whilst he’s in Wales.