Another good chapter Mollie, loved the bit in the shoe shop and the names of the socks!! Almost felt sorry for them!! Crusty in action in the museum was good as well especially the things he bought/took 
Had I not mentioned Sniffy and Whiffy, the twins, before? 
How can you feel sorry for a pair of sweat infested stinking socks? 
I’ve tried to bring even the inanimate to life such as Sniffy and Whiffy, and the OBJ. Just wait until you read about Good Old Stinky!
Oh I enjoyed that chapter Mollie. I wouldn’t want to work in a shoe shop now for anything! And going into that museum shop and supposedly buying things
I don’t recall them being mentioned before but that’s not to say they haven’t been mentioned. I guess I felt sorry for them because they would miss their mate OBJ! :) and OBJ will be lonely in his corner all on his lonesome 
Ooh wonder what Good Old Stinky is??
You know what, you cheer my heart. Even the inanimate have become animated in your minds and that is brilliant for me as a writer.
No, Marian, you’re right, it’s the first time his socks have been given names and have had a “life of their own.” 
OBJ won’t be on his own for long though. There’ll be a new Sniffy and Whiffy to take the place of the old ones, then there’ll be Jim and Jam, his pyjamas, and Good Old Stinky - well, I’ll leave you to conjure up what that might be, but that corner of Crusty’s bedroom is going to get pretty crowded soon.
[B][CENTER]45
Crusty Has A Close Encounter
(and Bel Saves Him from a Fate Worse Than Death!)[/CENTER][/B]
About two months later Crusty and Bel went out for the evening to a nice country pub. It was summertime now and the evening was glorious so they sat outside at a table with their drinks. She had with her the usual carrier bags that she’d stuffed with butties and scones, barm cakes and pies.
“D’ya want a meat pie Crusty?”
“No thank you Crustabel, but it’s extremely polite of you to ask?”
Eh!
“Well I’ve noticed that ya no longer possess the demonic appetite of an overweight Sumo wrestler. Yer only picking at yer food and I’ve noticed ya’ve lost a bit of weight over the last couple of months. Is there anything wrong old lad?”
“Not at all, dear heart. Please don’t concern yourself with my lack of appetite. I’m perfectly alright!”
Something wasn’t right! Even his wallet was opening with ease these days as it didn’t have time to weld itself together due to the fact that he was actually paying his way most of the time! He even withdrew money from the cash point without breaking into a sweat and he’d actually smile whilst doing it! He was becoming quite lavish with his money! Most odd!
In the interim, between coming back from London until now, Crusty had been on his very best behaviour, surprising Bel immensely. What she didn’t understand though, was why? He hadn’t acted daft or even talked his daft talk for a couple of months now. Even the pig/monkey features had begun to fade. He was at long last beginning to resemble twenty first century man rather than the Cro-Magnon creature he’d been in danger of reverting to.
There was only one explanation. He was up to something!
“Crusty are ya sure yer alright?” enquired Bel and bit into her boiled ham butty.
“That’s very polite of you to ask Bel! Yes, I’m very well, thank you. Why?”
“Oh nothing. It’s just that ya’ve not been yer usual daft self lately so I wondered if there was something on your mind. I mean, ya don’t have yer usual enormous appetite. Normally ya can eat five more spuds than a pig but lately ya’ve had the appetite of an anorexic scarecrow!”
“Oh I’m alright Bel. Not a care in the world. Man cannot live by bread alone. It says so in the Bible - Luke I think. I’m as happy a sandwich boy!”
Oops, he slipped up there.
“Oh I am a silly old turnip Bel. I mean I’m as happy as a sand boy. Whatever am I thinking of! Where did I get sandwich boy from? That’s through mentioning bread. Must be cracking up!” he laughed.
He was eating a butty now, cheese and onion, holding it nicely in two well-scrubbed hands (!) with the pinkies sticking up and a napkin spread out on his knees! When he finished it he told Bel that he’d had “a gracious sufficiency” and needed to wash his hands again!
Eh?
He’d only had one sandwich where normally he would stuff his face until his chops were blown out like he had two gobstoppers in there and everything had been eaten. He was only happy when his belly was full!
He went inside to the gents where he scrubbed his hands until they were all pink and crinkly again.
There was definitely something not right. He was always washing these days and he’d developed good manners from somewhere, plus the fact that he was beginning to speak nicely and had a much less than normal appetite! Also, his voice had lost that scratchy, whingey, whiney sound to it. Was he taking elocution lessons?
Nah!
Even more importantly though, she hadn’t seen him eat any meat for quite some time! No ham, tongue, meat pies, nothing at all with meat inside. He’d gone veggie on her!
“I tell ya wot Crusty. Why don’t we finish off here and go back to your place for some supper?”
“What an excellent idea Bel. How about a fish and chip supper for you? My treat!”
She almost fell off her seat in astonishment but before he could change his mind she agreed.
He’d done this a few times over the past weeks and she’d started to get worried about him. Was this some underlying illness that would take time to surface? Or had he at long last just got fed up of being daft and was trying to be normal?
No? You’re probably right!
They got back into her car. She’d only had a pint of shandy so she was fine for driving and Crusty had had just a glass of orange juice which he’d said he’d liked very much!! He hadn’t tasted anything quite like it before, he’d said. Crusty loved his pint of bitter normally.
On the way home Bel stopped the car near Crusty’s local chippy. She was about to get out of the car when Crusty stopped her.
“No, you stay here Bel dearest. It’s started to drizzle so I don’t want you getting wet. I’ll go to the chip shop. Will it be your usual?”
Bel dearest?
Her huge jaw had dropped onto the steering wheel. Crusty hated getting wet! She couldn’t believe this and just nodded at his question.
“Let me see if I’ve got this right then Bel before I go. You normally have two fish and a large portion of chips, a sausage, two smacks, portion of mushy peas, meat pie, double gravy and four buttered barms? No salt or vinegar! Is that correct dear heart?”
Dear heart?
She nodded again in silence. He was beginning to scare her and it took some doing for anybody to scare Crustabel! Crusty walked sedately (!) to the chip shop where he stood quietly in his place in the queue and she could see him quite clearly from the car. He had his hands in his pockets and she could also see he was whistling to himself. Normally he’d be moidering some poor bugger to death or scampering about trying to jump the queue.
“There’s something definitely out of sync here!” she said to herself. “This isn’t the Crusty I know. Wotever’s wrong with him? Has he had a head transplant?”
Although it was an improvement Bel preferred Crusty the way he normally was. At least she knew where she was at when he was being daft and mardy-arsed. Within ten minutes he was back in the car with her supper and Bel drove the short distance to his home.
“Crusty? Why are ya being so nice lately? I mean yer being especially nice and kind and thoughtful, not to mention generous. It’s not like you!”
“Isn’t it dear? I thought you and I got on tremendously well. A bit like Pierrot and Columbine, Romeo and Juliet, Anthony and Cleopatra, Edward and Mrs Simpson, Sampson and Deli …!”
“More like Punch and Judy!” she retorted with a snort and slapped him hard on the back.
“Wot have ya got for your supper Crusty?”
“Oh! I’m fine, really. I’ve had one cheese and onion sandwich today so I don’t require any more nourishment until tomorrow!!”
Eh?
They arrived at Crusty’s house and he turned the key in the lock. The last time she’d actually been inside his house was ages ago and it had been a pig-pen. When he let her in before him she couldn’t believe her eyes. The place was shining like a new pin and smelled beautiful. There were fresh flowers in the hallway and, going straight through to his kitchen, saw that it had been kept clean and tidy. It almost looked sterile!
“Well this is a surprise,” said Bel looking around the kitchen.
“What is dearest?”
“The fact that ya’ve kept this kitchen clean and tidy! I know I threatened to marmalise ya if ya got it dirty again after I’d scrubbed it for ya but I didn’t expect this!”
“I don’t remember that Bel. When did you do that?”
“Well it was ages ago now. Don’t ya remember when ya were putting records on and I asked ya for an adapter and ya thought I’d said Anna Dapter like she was a singer?”
“Me? Not me Bel. I think you must have me mixed up with someone else. In any case, cleanliness is next to Godliness. Isn’t that what they say dear?”
She went very quiet then. There was something wrong and she was going to have to get to the bottom of it. Crusty put the kettle on and brewed a delicious cup of tea to go with her chip supper. It was the best cup he’d ever made her, unlike the sh!tty grunge he normally served up but for himself, he poured a glass of water from a jug he kept in the fridge!
“Crusty why have stopped eating meat?”
He didn’t answer her for quite a time and when he did she was stupefied by his answer.
“Well Bel. Don’t you think that mankind has come far enough now without having to butcher the poor innocent creatures of this earth and slice them up for food? I mean, let’s face it there’s lots of equally nourishing alternatives. We shouldn’t really forget where we came from and the fact that eating meat is slightly next to cannibalism! We’re all made up of the same genetic stuff! It’s quite a disgusting habit!”
Genetic stuff? Well she couldn’t speak! She was gob-smacked but let it go for now and he’d used the word disgusting. Crusty always said “disgusterating”!
They sat chatting about this and that and every now and again Bel would ask if he remembered such and such a thing but he always responded that he couldn’t recall.
Poor old bugger. Perhaps he was suffering from some kind of amnesia following a bat round the head. She was going to have to get him to the doctor one way or the other. She was always batting him round the head and perhaps he’d had just one bat too many!
“Do you have any objections to my going to your toilet Crusty?”
“Now why would I object to something like that Bel? What a very odd question!”
Curiouser and curiouser!
Normally it would be “No Bel, please Bel, don’t go Bel, not me lav Bel!”
She climbed the stairs to the bathroom, steeling herself for the usual nasal assault. She pushed open the door and, once again, could not believe her eyes. All the tiles were sparkling, as was the bathroom suite. She lifted the lid of the toilet expecting to see some little reminders that Crusty had been there recently but there were no Richard the Thirds floating around this time. It was as clean as a whistle.
There was another thing that appeared very odd to her though as well. There were no towels to be seen and yet she’d noticed that he’d been keeping himself remarkably clean. In fact, he’d been staying clean to the point that he was becoming obsessive, washing his hands at every opportunity but never drying them!
Curioser and curioser!
She washed her hands and went to the airing cupboard to get a towel and as she opened the door her eyes immediately let on to the three items that Crusty had “bought” at the British Museum and stored secretly out of sight.
“Wot’s these?”
She snatched a towel out quickly and dried her hands then, collecting all three items, stormed downstairs to have it out with Crusty who had finished the washing up and returned to his living room! Before she did though, she nipped into the kitchen to check out his fridge. It was virtually empty except for some lettuce, tomatoes, onions and other salad stuff.
When they’d been to the health farm he’d moaned on and on about rabbit food and yet that was all he had in the house now. Even his cupboards were devoid of tinned and packet stuff except for some clear vegetable soups!
“Where the bluddy hell did ya get these from?” she demanded on entering his pristine living room.
Crusty turned round and looked at the packages and then at her.
“I’ve never seen those things before in my life Bel my dearest. What are they my love?”
“Wot d’ya mean wot are they, and I’m not your bluddy love y’owd fart? There’s a packet of Oxydol, a bar of Lyril and a stick of Erasmus! Where did ya get these from Crusty?”
Worried about her, he put an arm around her and sat her down in a chair.
“Don’t get so excited sweet Bel. Don’t take on so my dear, your blood pressure will go up if you keep on like that!”
“Never mind me sodding blood pressure! I asked ya where ya got these from!” she yelled throwing his arm off her.
“Like I said darling, I’ve never seen them before. What are they for anyway?”
“To keep clean with and don’t call me darling!”
“Oh I’ve no need for things like that to keep clean dear! You worry too much!”
“And another thing, when I used yer toilet there were no Richard the Thirds floating about like there usually is! How come yer being so clean all of a sudden? Have ya suddenly found religion?”
Taking a step forward he hooked his thumbs under his braces like a scholar, bowed his back into a hump the best he could and looked up into the wild blue yonder which was the ceiling of his living room.
"Richard the Third, Bel? Shakespeare. Ah - The Histories!
[CENTER][CENTER]'Now is the winter of our discontent,
Made glorious summer by this sun of York,
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house,
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried."[/CENTER][/CENTER]
“Bluddy hell! He’s quoting sodding Shakespeare now! He thinks he’s Laurence bluddy Olivier! Where’s he getting all this from?”
Just then she looked down and noticed he’d taken his shoes off so she sniffed up and prepared to yell at him again.
“Is there something wrong my dear? Can you smell something unpleasant?”
“No and that’s the bluddy problem. Your feet always stink, especially when ya take yer shoes off!”
“Do they dear? I hope they are not offensive to you today!”
There was definitely something very, very wrong!
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
The next day she took him to see the doctor. It was the first time Doctor Fry had seen him in the longest time and he started quaking on Crusty’s entrance.
“Now then Crusty old fettler! Wot’s to do with ya this time? Which is it today, arse, feet or crusticles?”
“What ho! Oh, there are many things to do doctor. I say! It’s remarkably kind of you to see me like this on such apparent short notice. I don’t know why I’m here exactly but don’t people usually have to wait a week or so to see a doctor here?”
Here?
“Not necessarily. Miss Leekey said that it was an urgent matter so here we are. Now wot appears to be the problem old lad? It’s not yer crusticles again is it? I hope to God it’s not yer festering feet either!”
Before Crusty could speak Bel told the doctor about how strange he’d become over the last couple of months so the doctor examined him from head to foot. He asked him many questions which Crusty answered most satisfactorily. He especially checked him for head trauma by peering into his eyes and examining for the so-called many bumps on Crusty’s nut where Bel had lamped him, but there were no bumps there. They’d miraculously disappeared.
“Well!” said the doctor finishing his examination. “You’ll be pleased to know that I can’t actually find anything wrong with ya. As a matter of fact, yer in exceptionally good health for a man of your age! Off you go now and stay as fit as you are.”
Fit! Crusty?
“Upon my soul doctor! I am extraordinarily happy to hear that!”
Crustabel dragged him out and took him back home again and chatted to him on the way. To jog his memory she asked him if he’d enjoyed Scotland when they went and got to know Alicks, but he had no recollection so she asked him if he enjoyed it when she’d taken him to Norfolk Broads and he’d pinched the boat, but he’d no memory of that. Had he had a good time at the Car Museum when he met Lord Montague? Couldn’t remember it!
There was definitely something very wrong!! She didn’t care what the doctor said.
She dropped him off back at home and he thanked her most profusely.
“I’d invite you in dear but I have some friends coming round this evening and I have to get ready to welcome them for eight thirty.”
Friends? He didn’t have any! This was getting beyond a joke and Bel was getting frustrated by the new and improved Crusty.
And that was another thing! The way he dressed just wasn’t Crusty. No longer did he dress like a nasty old scuzzy old tramp. He’d smartened himself up so he was barely recognisable. Oh he still wore the OBJ which had assumed a new soft and fluffy look and he still wore the old brown jacket which no longer had any bird sh!t down the back. It had been washed and pressed, the sleeves now bearing sharp knife creases and his new shoes that Bel had bought him were highly polished too.
She was beginning to wonder if he’d found himself another woman. She dismissed the idea almost as soon as it came into her head.
“Who the bluddy hell would put up with an old fart face like him, apart from me?” she asked herself.
Crustabel decided to sneak back later when it was dusk and see who these friends of his were and what they were doing to him. Maybe he had found religion or some unscrupulous person had roped him into one of those arty farty weirdo God-botherer cults. He was gullible enough.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Bel had parked the car a little way away from Crusty’s house at eight o’clock and it was now ten minutes to midnight. No one had gone into or come out of the house in the time she’d been there. It was very odd. She was about to give up and go home when she saw the lights in Crusty’s house go off. It was now in complete darkness.
That in itself was odd because Crusty usually stayed up much later than this to watch some crappy old Peter Lorre movie or something like that till the early hours now that he didn’t have his cafe job, and especially now that he had Cable TV which his son had provided him with to keep him quiet.
She waited a little while longer and at midnight exactly she saw a fluorescent blue light coming from Crusty’s bedroom window.
“Wot the hell’s that?” she thought.
Try as she might she couldn’t work out what it was. It was only a blue light but it seemed to pulsate just a little. Her eyes were tired but she continued to stare at it. It was a lovely colour and decided she’d paint her bathroom that shade of blue as it was very relaxing.
She sat back in the car seat. It was a warm night and she started to feel a little drowsy so she closed her eyes, just for about three seconds but quickly opened them again and blinked hard to keep herself awake and as she did she looked at the car clock, which read one o’clock!
“Oh no! The bluddy thing’s gone haywire!”
Irritated she looked at the Gucci watch on her wrist which read one o’clock also!
“Wot the bluddy hell! I only closed me eyes for a second or two and I’ve lost a whole hour. Wot’s going on?”
She again looked up at Crusty’s bedroom window. The blue light had gone and had been replaced with his low wattage bedside lamp. She saw the landing light was on, and the living room light as well.
“Oh well at least he’s okay!” she thought, sighing with relief.
She started the car engine and was about to fasten her seat belt when her mobile phone rang.
“Hello, Crustabel Leekey!”
“Thank God! Bel? Bel, Bel help me Bel! I’ve been trying to get hold of ya for weeks! Help me Bel please!”
“Crusty is that you? Wot’s wrong old lad? Ya sound in such a state!”
“Bel, Bel help me please Bel. Can ya come to my house now, please Bel. Sorry Bel I know it’s late bur’it’s an emergency, please Bel!”
“Okay stop panicking. Put the phone down.”
This sounded more like the Crusty she knew! She heard the phone go down and she jumped out of her car and knocked loudly on his front door and within a second she heard Crusty’s quaking voice.
“Who’s that?”
“It’s me!”
“Who’s me?”
“Me ya daft sod. Crustabel.”
“I don’t believe ya. Ya can’t be my Crustabel 'cos I’ve just spoken to her on me phone and she’s on her way. Ya’d best be gone by the time she comes or she’ll paste ya!”
“Crusty it is me. Open the bluddy door!”
Very slowly the door creaked open and one little red piggy eye appeared in the crack. There stood Crusty looking dirty, dishevelled and by the look of him, he was black and blue with bruising but he looked and sounded much more like his Crusty old self. The moment Crustabel set foot through the door Crusty, who was wearing only a pair of nasty old underpants with his belly draped over them, flung his arms around her and almost squeezed the life out of her. He wouldn’t let her go and he was sobbing his heart out.
“Oh Bel it’s so good to see ya after all this time. They hurt me and wouldn’t feed me proper Bel. They only gave me slops in a bowl to eat and some water and it was 'orrible and everything! Am bluddy hungry Bel! I could just eat some spuds!”
“Bluddy hell Crusty! Ya stink like an old tom cat! Calm down owd fettler, calm down. Here look, sit down and try to tell me wot’s wrong. Wot d’ya mean it’s good to see me after all this time. I only saw ya yesterday when ya bought me a chip supper!”
“No Bel, no. Couldn’t’ve been me Bel. I’m too tight to buy ya supper, don’t ya remember. It must’ve been that other Crusty person who looks like me! They grabbed me and kept punching me an’ everything and they kicked me in me crusticles at least two times a day and they only gave me these slops in a bowl to eat and a bowl of cowd watter which they made me lap up like a dog and I was crying all the time Bel. I kept asking for ya but they wouldn’t let me see ya. I know I’m a cross between a pig an’ a chimp Bel bur’am nor’a guinea pig as well amma!!”
“No yer not Crusty. There, there! Calm down now. Wot other Crusty do ya mean? Look, hang on, I’ll just go and make you a nice cup of tea to calm yer nerves. Yer in a right old state!”
“No, no Bel, don’t leave me on me own Bel!” he wailed as he grabbed hold of her again and wouldn’t let her go.
“I’m only going into the kitchen! I won’t be a minute, alright lad? I can see yer upset so come into the kitchen with me.”
“Ta Bel!”
He jumped up and scampered after her, holding onto her jacket, terrified of being left alone then he sat down on the stool watching her and shaking like a frightened kitten.
“Bel,” he said quietly looking around him, “Have you been doing this?”
“Doing wot Crusty?”
“Well me house is the most beautifullest I’ve ever seen it. All nice and clean and shiny! Have ya been looking after it for me while I’ve been away?”
Away?
“No Crusty. Have I heckaslike! Well I have helped a bit I must admit but you’ve done a lot too!”
He was getting really very frustrated by her lack of understanding.
“No Bel it couldn’t’ve been me. How could it be? Yer always calling me a nasty old gobsh!te so it can’t be me! I’ve just told ya they grabbed me and ran off with me so it wasn’t me.”
She set the two mugs of strong, sugary tea down on the table and got down to business.
“Right! Let’s get to grips with this. Who are they?”
“Them, Bel it was them that did it. Them monsters! They came for me and took off with me and wouldn’t let me come back except at night time. It feels like a few months ago Bel, not long after we’d come back from London and I was all alone in bed one night fast asleep. When I woke up I was somewhere else Bel, in this big shiny room full o’ stainless steel or something with weird music and it were bluddy cowd. It was freezing and I only had me trollies on.”
She’d just noticed that so she took off her coat and wrapped it round him.
“Now what’s all this daft talk about monsters?”
He took a breath then continued his woeful tale, a tale that would have the tough Crustabel very cynical.
“Okay Bel.”
“Go on old lad. Your Bel’s here and I’m listening.”
“Well, they were funny looking buggers they were Bel and I asked 'em wot they wanted me for. They said that they’d been watching my antics for ages. For ages Bel! Can ya imagine that? They said I was a daft-looking specimen, like a pre-hysterical person! Well, I told them that I wasn’t a specimen and I wasn’t pre-hysterical but that I was a Crusty but they didn’t care Bel. Am I a specimen Bel?”
She didn’t answer him but she was thinking hard, so Crusty carried on with his tale of woe.
“I threatened 'em though. I told 'em that my Crustabel would beat the sh!t out of 'em if she found out but they still didn’t care. All the time they kept giving me this slop in a bowl to eat. No spoon nor nothing, so I had to eat it with me fingers and it tasted like sh!t too! Smelled like dog food or cat food or something but it made me keep farting all the time Bel and it were 'orrible.”
He went quiet for a while totally exhausted which gave her the opportunity of trying to work out what he was saying and trying to make sense out of his ramblings. He was obviously very upset but she didn’t know how to help him.
“How often did they come for you Crusty?”
“Every night! Well, they’d grab me then fetch me back later but only for about an hour an’ a half and I were dizzy all the time. Then just as I’d try to get help they’d snatch me back again and the other man would come back. They always snatched me back late so I couldn’t telephone anybody. Well I only know your phone numbers anyway Bel and you were always in bed when I tried to ring and I knew I didn’t dare wake y’up or ya’d tell me to bog off and then paste me next time ya saw me!”
“Wor’a bluddy shame! I’m sorry lad!”
She looked at her watch. It was now one twenty and she’d started to make some crazy sense of his ramblings. Another ten minutes to go before he would be snatched again, according to Crusty! She took him back into his living room and sat on the couch with him. He was again shaking like a leaf in anticipation of what might happen and just as it was approaching one thirty the lights flickered and went out.
“Bel?” sobbed Crusty fearfully.
“It’s alright Crusty, don’t worry!”
A misty blue light appeared all around them and Bel could feel herself relaxing again as she had in the car except that being in it she felt drowsier. She could just make out a couple of hazy looking figures within the mist. She forced herself up to her full magnificent height with her hands under Crusty’s armpits (yeeee-uk) and forced herself wide awake. He’d relaxed completely like a rag doll and it took her most of her strength to keep him upright as he was no light weight himself.
The two figures appeared before her and looked at each other quizzically wondering why she hadn’t succumbed to the relaxant that was the blue light. They were small in height, about four foot five and looked physically very delicate but, Crustabel towering over them, stared at them hard.
They stared back and waited for her to relax but she was stubborn. We all know by now how stubborn Bel can be and there was no way on this earth that she was going to be subjected to anything by these little short-arses so she started speaking to them in her most reasonable tone!
“Now listen here ya ugly, slobbery-arsed, bobber-eyed, pasty faced little crap-heads! Ya can all bog off back to where ya came from but yer not getting yer stringy sloppy hands on this old fart. If ya try, I’ll kick ya in yer crusticles if ya’ve gor’any. If ya’ve not I’ll give ya both a pile driver so bluddy hard that yer heads’ll be forced straight through yer arses and ya can watch yerselves going to where yer wentin’ from!”
The creatures continued to stare at her and Crustabel continued with her tirade on them.
“Now bog off and leave this daft old sod alone or ya’ll have me to reckon with, and don’t bluddy well come back! Ya never fooled me for a minute that the other daft looking bugger was really my Crusty. He was nothing like him! Now shove yer little ratty arses off. Get going! Skiddaddle!”
One of the creatures then “spoke” to Bel in a very reasonable tone also and explained to her who and what they were and why they were there. Most importantly, they explained why Crusty was such an excellent subject for their studies. After that, the blue mist disappeared and so did the “monsters”. They’d been terrified of her aggressive nature!!
Crusty was still slumped in Bel’s arms and, on looking through the window she saw a bright white light outside! She’d expected to see a UFO or some other flying craft but this was no such thing. The two creatures she’d encountered were now drifting about outside the window, glowing. Then they joined hands and started to play what looked like ring-a-ring-o-roses but so fast that they eventually became a blurry ball of white light. Then ping, they disappeared into nothingness!
Nobody crosses Crustabel. No matter who they are, where they’re from or why they’re here!
“Wossup?” Crusty murmured, coming round in Bel’s arms. “Have they carted me off again Bel?” He looked around him doubtfully, “Oh we’re still here. Did ya scare 'em to death Bel? Ya did see 'em didn’t ya?”
“Yes I scared 'em Crusty. Are you alright?”
“Yes Bel I’m alright burram bluddy hungry!”
She smiled fondly at him. It was good to have him back.
For now!
Just wait till he found out that the “other Crusty” had been withdrawing his money out of the cash point and spending it freely!
© Mollie M
06.12.01
Most enjoyable and hilarious as ever, aliens, what next I wonder. I just remembered I take size 7 1/2 shoes. Thanks for the fun Mollie, looking forward to tomorrow night:-D
Very good read again Molly, you certainly let your imagination run away with you on this one!! Will we find out in a future chapter who these aliens were?
Love the last line
“Just wait till he found out that the other Crusty” had been withdrawing his money out of the cash point and spending it freely!
Thanks again Jem and Marian, an’am a Mollie!
Who said they were aliens? ;-)
Glad you enjoyed the read. I do have a rather fertile imagination, don’t I?
[quote=“Mollie, post: 150102”]
Thanks again Jem and Marian, an’am a Mollie!
Ooh sorry, its probably because lying under my feet fast asleep is a little Molly, a king charles spaniel :)
Who said they were aliens? ;-)
What else could they have been??
Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum. Am not telling ya, but ya’ll find out in the next chapter! You’re the one who said I have an imagination.
I’ve just been reading through the next one, so I think I’ll put it on now, then another new one on tomorrow night.
[B][CENTER]46
Bel Lies Through Her Teeth
(and Crusty’s Caught Out!)[/CENTER][/B]
Crustabel took the pitiful Crusty back into the kitchen and, as late as it was, cooked him a meal fit for a king with the little food available. His fridge and cupboards had been cleared of the usual crap he bought and had been replaced with good nourishing food, the sort that Crusty hated. Getting back to his normal self, he slobbered and slurped his way through, burping and belching as he went.
She’d found some steak in the freezer which the other Crusty must have overlooked so she de-frosted it and cooked it with some chips and salad stuff then sat and watched him, her eyes softening. Sooner or later he was going to realise that he’d lost two months and she’d have to think something up that would convince him otherwise. He was very gullible and would believe anything she told him.
“Poor owd bugger! I can understand why they wanted him. There is only one on this earth today like him. I’ve been saying thar’all along burra didn’t realise how close to the truth I was!”
With a final mighty belch and a magnificent fart, Crusty put down his knife and fork.
“Oops, sorry about that Bel! That was bluddy good, thanks very much but ya know I don’t like rabbit food!” he said with his tongue dangling out again and grinning.
“Yer very welcome owd lad! Sorry about the salad but ya need to do some shopping! Ya’ve not much in.” she replied clearing the dishes away and putting them into the sink to soak.
“Burra never buy salad stuff Bel so where’s it come from?”
“I dunno. Come on, back into the living room wi’ ya, an’ I’ll tell you a bedtime story. Come on!”
She poured him some whisky from a half bottle she’d bought and put in her pocket much earlier that day. Being of Scottish descent, she liked to have a nip or two every now and again and Crusty needed a stiff drink now, but she wouldn’t let him keep spirits at home as he’d be pie-eyed every night without her to watch his intake. Crusty downed it in one with a grin and held out the glass for some more, licking his lips. She re-filled it.
“That makes Crusty feel much better. He likes a drop of the Scottish Bel, ta!”
He sat holding the glass in both hands and drank it back greedily.
“Poor owd bugger,” she thought again. “A few more drinks won’t do him any harm tonight. It’ll calm his nerves!”
There was a good reason why she wanted him tipsy tonight, just for once. She’d thought of a plan that just might work and it involved him drinking the rest of the whisky from the bottle!
“Bel! Please will you stay wi’ me toneet? Am frikkened of being left on me own again.”
“I know you are Crusty. It’s alright. You sleep on the couch and I’ll keep watch if you want me to, burrall guarantee that they won’t come back again.”
“No I know they’ll not 'cos ya’ve scared 'em to deeth but some other monsters from a different planikt might come for me if they find me that interesting!”
“Crusty I give you my word of honour that nobody’ll come from any other planet and cart you off. You have my guarantee on that as a lady and a gentleman!”
“Promise?”
“Promise. Now come on and settle yerself down for the night and trust me!”
“Okay.”
With that she bundled him up on the settee and threw his moth-etten old eiderdown over him and read him Peter Pan until he fell asleep. She kept feeding him nips of whisky every now and then and he was quickly getting sozzled. Crusty always thought that the story was called “Pizza Pan” and he fell asleep thinking of pepperoni, prawn and three cheeses! She remained in a chair with a pot of strong coffee, sentinel for the night.
She started to think about what one of the creatures had told her. It hadn’t actually said anything verbally. It was very pale skinned, totally hairless, had two huge, kind eyes on its face, two little holes for a nose and just a very small slit where the mouth should be, two long thin arms, skinny little legs and a rounded belly like Crusty’s. It had the ability of telepathy and that was the way they normally communicated, hence the larger than average head.
They hadn’t been able to use telepathy with Crusty because his brain was too feeble to translate the waves that they sent out but Crustabel, being more intelligent, had understood them with ease. With Crusty they’d had to resort to the ancient form of communication by being verbal. They weren’t creatures though, they were people!
People from earth, but from a different time!
The one who “spoke” had apologised for the way Crusty had been treated and that its kind just hadn’t understood that they were torturing the poor old bugger. They thought that they were allowing him to continue his normal habits while they studied him, without having the constraints of his everyday life to distract him, and wondered what he would do for long periods in isolation from his fellow man.
Having studied him closely for quite a while they thought they were giving him every comfort by feeding him with what appeared to be his normal fare (slops) and, as they couldn’t replicate tea, coffee, alcohol etc, as they had been long ago abolished, had presumed the earth’s most natural resource, water, was what sustained life in liquid form, as it did them. They’d even thought it was perfectly normal for him to get a good clouting so they’d given him a couple of pastings every night for the last couple of months! They thought he’d enjoyed them!
They hadn’t understood why he’d started squawking, shrieking and scampering about trying to escape. They thought that was normal behaviour for the chimp side of a Crusty to do too and was what they’d expected of him but he was a difficult study. They were right about the scampering and shrieking though!
They had attempted to replicate a stand-in Crusty so that “he” could go about his Crusty normal business seeing Bel and doing the other daft things he did but as the real Crusty was somewhat different to the rest of mankind they had failed in this task. That was why Bel had been able to tell that there was something wrong. They hadn’t got the daftness right!
Just then Crusty grunted and turned over in his sleep muttering. He settled down again doing his usual pig imitations.
The “people” had been sent to study the earth man of the early twenty first Century and had found several subjects which hadn’t quite fitted their parameters of science but, purely by accident, they’d discovered the Crusty a few years before and had studied him from a distance through technology beyond our comprehension. They had to wait until the time was right before they could study him up close because of certain problems.
They’d first scanned him on a beach with a jellyfish welded to his chops that time when he was seeing Melonie, and they found him to be a most interesting specimen, just as Melonie had! They’d been watching him ever since.
They had been studying earth’s history for centuries and they knew all about early earth with the Neanderthals from Germany, Cro-Magnon and Homo Erectus right the way through to a point which had puzzled them. They knew the truth about what had happened to cause the extinction of the dinosaurs millions of years ago, which we still have yet to learn. Our current theories are way off the mark!
They also knew all about mankind from the Dark Ages, Middle Ages and up to the latest point in time. They had thought that the Yeti would have solved the problem when they’d caught and studied one a thousand years before but it wasn’t the right category of homo sapien so had returned it to its natural habitat. They had been trying to find a Crusty for centuries and all of a sudden he landed right in their laps, so to speak.
Crusty had been partly right when he’d asked Bel if he was a throw-back and she’d said he was a pigmy. He was a throw-back alright but from a far greater distance back in time than they’d ever imagined.
He was snorting his piggy little head off now in his sleep. Yes, a cross between a pig and a monkey. Bel had got it right after all.
Wor’a bluddy shame!
That was a good’un Mollie Little men from outta nowhere…just up my street (not literally)
Have to ask again, with ref to fish 'n chip meal, what are smacks?
It’s like being back at school…learning new words each day
Edit: Ooops, posted same time as your next chapter, sorry 
Poor lad would never understand any of this and Bel had been forced to promise never to divulge any of the information given to her as it could affect the future of mankind if she tried to change the Crusty’s ways.
The people were not, in fact, extra-terrestrial. In the earth year 6995 they had made the discovery of time travel. They’d come from earth’s distant future and had at last found what mankind had been seeking for aeons.
As the look of man has changed over the last ten thousand years for us, so was the fact that four thousand years from now the look of man will change drastically again because of climatic, digestive and genetic changes, and these visitors were our ascendants.
They had been ecstatic on finding “the Crusty” as they called him, awarding him with the indefinite article pre-fix, “the” just as Bel did, and had celebrated for a long time. They could now fit the final piece of the massive jigsaw into place and would at last have a perfect picture of mankind from the moment they came slobbering their way out of the quagmire.
Crusty was still slobbering in the quagmire, but that’s a moot point! That could be discussed perhaps at an after dinner’s conversation in the early hours of the morning when the average person’s brain is more receptive.
Mankind of the future had finally realised following the War of the Galaxies in 5883 that they had no further use for war so had concentrated all its global resources and energies into peace and science and, ultimately, finding what the scientists of this planet had been searching for, for centuries.
“It’s comforting to know that mankind actually survives that long,” mused Bel. She thought they’d have eradicated each other long before that.
Anyway, they had found what they were looking for right here, right now.
The Crusty!
“And what is so significant about the Crusty?” tittered Bel in her best Anne Robinson voice.
“Hmmph?” snorted Crusty from under the eiderdown.
“What could the Crusty possibly have, to be of so much interest to the peoples of the distant future?”
“Gaaaarghumph!” he turned over in his sleep.
“Who has mankind been seeking since the dawn of time? It’s time to vote off …”
No ya daft buggers! Not the weakest link.
The missing link!
Crusty was the missing link!! That small (thousands of years) fraction in time when there was a glitch and the vegetarian tree dwellers “suddenly” became meat eating, fire making, humans who “suddenly” decided it would be a good idea to bury their dead rather than leave their rotting corpses in a corner of their caves. They “suddenly” became “intelligent”. They started making fires and invented cooking which had been right up Crusty’s ancestors’ street! Something had happened in that microscopic span of time but up to now nobody had discovered what it was. The crossing point between animal and what was just part human!! After all, we’re all made up of the same genetic code, even plants, but there’s supposedly a marked line between animals and humans. After studying him for a while and taking blood, bone and skin samples it transpired that, in pre-history, a relatively intelligent member of the ape family, perhaps a chimp, had probably mated with a Pleistocene pig and The Crusty race had eventually been born.
Crusty was snorting his head off now. The living room sounded like a pig pen and was beginning to smell like one as he hadn’t had a bath for nigh on two months! She’d have to explain some of it to him though otherwise he’d go on about it for ever but she’d have to make the rest up, like a story. This wasn’t going to be easy but she’d do it for the Crusty’s sake.
She stretched and yawned. The birds had started singing and dawn was breaking. Another day was dawning. The events of the last couple of months could well have left their mark on Crusty but she would do everything within her power to get his life back on an even keel.
Another jaunt perhaps? She’d have to think about it.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
It was hours before Crusty finally awoke and when he did he leapt up like his arse was on fire, fear spread across his face.
Bel had just come out of the kitchen clearing up last night’s mess. She hated leaving dishes in the sink, but last night Crusty was more important than clean pots and pans.
“Mornin’ Crusty,” she said to him gently, “How do you feel today?”
He felt groggy.
“Mornin’ Bel, am okay. Did them aliens come back again?”
“Wot aliens? Worra ya talking about ya daft sod? Have ya been having one of yer daft dreams again?”
She gave him his breakfast.
“No Bel, honest Bel. Don’t ya remember? There were them alien monsters that carted me off and fed me slops an’ pasted me, and kept kicking me in me crusticles an’ everything. Ya must remember! Ya did see them didn’t ya?”
“Crusty the only thing I can remember is tharra brought ya wom last neet p!ssed as a fart. Ya’d been in’t Club boozing and were gerrin rat-arsed on whisky that some daft bugger was buying ya so somebody phoned me to come and get ya. Don’t ya remember? Anyway I came and fetched ya wom, slung ya on’t couch and threw that sh!tty owd eiderdown o’er yer yed. Snorted yer piggy little yed off all neet ya did!”
Crusty was puzzled, but his mouth did taste of whisky!
“But wor’about them aliens and the blue light and everything? Who kept punching me and kicking me in me crusticles and kept feeding me slops?”
“That were me ya daft bugger! I pasted ya for gerrin sloshed! I’m nor’a bluddy alien!”
She knew now that she didn’t dare tell him the truth. She had to maintain that he’d dreamt the whole thing.
“Burra were positive it were real Bel! Are ya sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. I’m not the one who was pie-eyed and p!ssed!”
“Well it were a frikkening dream! I dreamt that ya came and frikkened the aliens to deeth by shouting at 'em!”
“Well if any do come Crusty ya can always count on me. There’s no such things as aliens anyway so stop rabbiting on about it. Ya’ve had daft dreams before. Don’t ya remember that time when ya told me about that dream you had about Stephen Spielburger? I mean Spielberg. That was before we met but ya must remember it!”
“Like it were yesterday Bel. Yes I do remember! I thowt that were real too for ages!”
He sat thoughtfully for a moment.
“Bel?”
“I can feel a draught coming from somewhere!” she said airly. “Oh. It’s coming from yer gob, now shut it and ayte yer brekkie!”
“But Bel?”
“Worisit now?”
“I need to go to’t lav burram frikkened of goin’ upstairs on me own an’am gerrin des’prate!”
“Ya daft sod. Okay come on, I’ll come up wi’ ya if I really have to!” she said, screwing up her nose in anticipation.
He made it just in time. Came out like a flock of sheppies it did, followed by a long wailing fart, poor bugger.
Ooh looking forward to reading the next one, but will have to wait til tomorrow as very tired Great to have two to read though
“Bluddy hell Crusty wot’s been ayetin’?” said Bel from the corridor outside the bathroom, holding her nose and gasping for breath.
“It’s them slops they kept giving me Bel. I towd ya it were real.”
“No it was not! Now stop thinking about yer daft dream and get that bathroom sprayed! Ya can open’t window as well while yer at it!”
He did as he was told then flushed the loo.
“Crusty! Did you do any Shakespeare when you were at school?”
“No Bel. The only spear shaking I did were when I were a lickle lad on’t Sandwich Islands.”
“No, I mean wot books did ya read at school?”
“Well, when we came here I learned all about Noddy in Toyland with Big Ears and Mr Plod by Enid Blyton. Then I did me Janet and John. Does that help?”
“No. Never mind! That’s worra thowt.”
“Bel?”
“Now wot?”
“Bel have ya been helping me clean up me mess Bel?”
“Well of course I have. I knew you wouldn’t do it so I’ve been smartening’t place up a bit. Crusty! Ya must have had a right skin full if ya can’t remember that!”
This was getting hard work.
“Well then, Bel. Have ya cleaned me bathroom at all? I mean, it dun’t matter if ya’ve not, it’s just tharram interested. It looked very clean and shiny just then I must admit!”
“Oh yeh burra ber’it’s not now! I even washed all them scummy towels, dried them and folded them neatly in the airing cupboard,” she said giving him a hard look.
“The airing cupboard! Ya looked in me airing cupboard?”
“Yes!”
“Did ya spot anything a lickle bit unusual in there?” he tittered into his hand.
He was getting back to being the old Crusty again.
“Yes!”
“And did ya take 'em out and look at 'em?”
He was getting worried now but carried on sniggering.
“Yes!”
“Did ya want know where I gor’em from?”
“Yes!”
She produced them from the cupboard that she’d put them in the night before. He’d been in no fit state to explain himself then. She lined them up on the table!
“Well I bought 'em in that shop in’t British Museum! Ya know, when ya went to the lav?”
She had to think back.
“Wot d’ya mean ya “bought” them? It wasn’t a real shop, just a pretend shop!”
“Oh! I wondered why there was no one there to serve me!” he was falling about laughing now.
“And how did you pay for 'em?” her voice becoming aggressive.
“Well it all came to just two an’ six an’a had an old half a crown in me wallet so I paid for them wi’ that! Is thar’okay Bel?”
She started tittering.
“Oh Crusty! There’s only one like you!”
“Bel, that’s exacertackerly wot them aliens said!”
“Don’t start thar’again. There are no aliens now stop going on about it!”
“Well why did ya stay wi’ me last night and cook me a meal at two o’clock in the morning?”
“I’ve already told ya. I browt ya wom drunk as a skunk so I thowt ya needed some solids an’a didn’t want to leave ya in that state! It’s no bluddy wonder ya needed the toilet so badly with the drinking and ayetin’ ya’ve done!”
“Oh! Thanks Bel!”
“You’re welcome. I can’t understand why ya’ve had such a memory loss though Crusty. You seem to be able to remember the British Museum but nothing else after that till now. Have ya been drinking whisky when I’ve not been watching? That would account for the memory loss as yer not used to it!”
“Yes it’s funny that Bel. Wot do you think. Do ya think I need a shrink? I haven’t had any whisky to drink!!” He giggled his head off at his poetry.
She punched him in the shoulder.
“No! I’ll tell you wor’it might be. It might be because ya took those things from the British Museum and knew ya were being naughty. Ya’ve probably just blocked
everything out since then an’ ya’ve only just jogged back into the land of the living again because ya’ve been caught out!”
“That’s a thought. Ya really are clever Bel so yer probably right. Ya usually are!”
“I know!”
“Trouble is Bel it went on for ages if it was just a dream. It went on for months!”
“Don’t be daft. We only came home from London a few days ago!”
She looked to Heaven and apologised for the lie and crossed her fingers and hoped to die!
“A few days ago? Are ya sure Bel? I thowt it were longer ago than that!”
Poor Bel! Her mind was churning over ways to get him to forget the incidents that had been haunting him. She had to make him believe it was all just a dream and that he had selective amnesia. She really had her work cut out for her this time and the only way she was going to help him was by taking his mind off it completely.
Perhaps another break away was going to be the answer after all.
She put her thinking cap on, told him to soak in the bath for at least an hour and went home for some well-deserved kip!
He loved the seaside!
© Mollie M
07.12.01
Just had a sneaky look at this chapter… cant wait to read it, looks great