Last year, I was diagnosed with anhedonia…a really terrible element of a very strong depression. Basically, it means that my brain’s reward centre is out of touch with the rest of my brain. How that manifests itself in my life is pretty awful: I have no ability to feel pleasure/enjoyement/reward! So, I’ve gone from having 17 hobbies / pastimes / enjoyments / interests…to having none at all.
The way I usually describe it is: Ian died last year. I’m just Ian’s ghost, haunting the house he used to live in. I move around like a spectral detective, seeing clues…evidence of what Ian used to do, but knowing that I can’t understand why he did them - they mean nothing at all to me! I have no feeling, at all!
I know Ian watched movies, because there are around 800 of them in the house. I know Ian listened to music because of the music CDs lying around.
I know Ian read books because some books in the living room have bookmarks in them.
I know Ian wrote a diary, because I found one.
I know Ian loved photography - I’ve no idea why.
The probably saddest one is…I also know that Ian was a Christian, because I found a small wooden holding cross in his bed when I came home from the hospital that did this to me…or him!
So, I’m curious…do any of you suffer from anhedonia?
I don’t suffer from this but for many years I was with someone who had a nervous breakdown and developed psychotic depression which manifested in a very similar way to what you have described. I could fix everything in his life but it changed nothing in the way he saw his former life as though he had died and left it. The only positive feedback I had was to hear that I made him feel that my presence gave him temporary relief and moments of colour and life. (this he relayed to a multi disciplinary meeting at which I was present)
I’m sorry you’re going through this but I became convinced that is it a change in brain wiring that neurologists don’t really understand and psychiatrists refuse to even entertain.
Bet loads of people would be interested in hearing what might have been in that - might help you reconnect with your former self too.
You might also want to have a look at the GAPS book - it stands for the Gut And Psychology Syndrome and is all about the connection of food (and all the crap in it) to mental health:
Reading was one of the casualties of the anhedonia. I know Ian read books because there are some books on shelves, some with pencil marks in the margins and some with bookmarks in them, still. But, If I open a book, all I see are words that mean nothing to me…not dyslexically, but…reading them means nothing to me, in my current state.
